So much to say, so inadequate a format...
My grandfather died on the 8th of this month. I can't really describe the swell of emotions. I really believe that I'm not desperately craving sympathy, though it is admittedly nice to receive it. I really, at this point in time, especially with everything going on, want to have something I'd be able to hopefully look back and and reminisce upon.
I woke up that morning because I heard my grandmother crying, she's usually ... what's the term, stoic? A foundation, like my grandfather. Patient, loyal, vigilant. I believe in my heart that we would be better off with more people like her. She was sobbing, I mean, in tatters, just the sound of it.. I didn't really have to ask to know what had happened. I walked in to her bedroom to see her, my aunt, and my father, and .. My grandfather, lifeless, it's so unusual to see. I ... just lost it. I feel bad because I wanted to be stronger for my grandmother, to be that pillar of strength for her. I wanted to let her know, that everybody loved Nono so much, and still does, and that mostly they are happy that he's not in constant pain anymore, and now we're concerned for her more. I couldn't say anything, my only reaction was pain and tears. I don't really regret it, because it was honestly how I felt, but I think if I could change it, my reaction would have been one alluding to a feeling of reassurance. I tried to say.. anything, but I was stifled with emotion, I could only retreat to my bed. Ashamed, I fell asleep, somewhat. They came and took him away in a body bag. We went through old photo's. I remember vividly how my cousin screamed "STOP SAYING THAT". My aunt reiterated how he's in a better place right now, and he's not suffering anymore. I must admit it feels cliche to me as well. But saying something, I feel is better than saying nothing. Sometimes it's hard to express yourself. We had more time with photos. I called in to work and told them I wouldn't be in for a while. They were very accommodating. It was so reassuring to receive that response.
I had to get out of the house. I went for a drive with my cousin. We got breakfast at Richard Walker's .. I think that's what it's called. I remember having the Irish Benedict. It was better than any regular Eggs Benedict I've ever had.
Afterwards I stopped at Kiley's, as I had forgotten my sunglasses and watch there the night before. ( I can't play World of Warcraft with my watch on, it's weird). I think she knew something was wrong even though I was hoping to get in and out without talking about it.
When she asked I .. was glad actually. I told her what happened and she just gave me a super huge hug even though she's such a tiny woman.
I spent the rest of the day , and everyday up to today.. trying desperately to ignore. Ignore everything. Ignoring pain is the way to go. Smoke. Play videogames. Drink.
My cousin brought his computer right next to mine so we could play together. He's always been the best. I felt so lonely.
Yesterday Kiley and Andrea invited me over. They ordered Chinese food. Before I could finish Andrea popped me with a surprise. They got me a blow up guitar, and a bag of candy. Inside the bag of candy was a copy of "Grandma's Boy", which we watch almost every time we assemble at Kiley's house. Also included was a card. It was very well written, the contents I will not get into because I'm a bit touchy about it but.. it made me feel loved. I had to hide in the bathroom for a minute actually because I didn't want anybody to see me cry.
I went back home. Me, Tony, Dana, Vince, and my bro Jeff just got hammered. Smoking, drinking, repeat.
Today was the wake.
Looking at my grandfather displayed in the casket... He was so handsome! It was really incredible, in a way, I lost it when I looked down in his hands, and I saw his favorite hat. He would always wear it when he was cold. To the left was the assortment of photos. Photos of his family from Italy. Photos of him as a youth, and in the Italian Army. Photos of him on vacation with us, even though he didn't like to fly or go on vacation.
Talking with so many people about it have helped. My friend Mary Sue has been incredibly patient with me, and very helpful. I have not been as strong as I would have liked to be. Without support, especially from her, I know not how long I may have lingered in depression. I hope that she reads this and knows how genuinely I appreciate everything done for me. I wish I could mind link... To eliminate barriers... I hope to attain that comfortability with a mate...
Tomorrow is the funeral. We lay him to his final resting place. I can't stop the tears as I write this...
I need to get to sleep.
Nono I love you so much. I will miss you forever. You said goodbye to me, and I said "I'll be back" I came back.. but you were suffering too much to realize it... I'm so so sorry.
I woke up that morning because I heard my grandmother crying, she's usually ... what's the term, stoic? A foundation, like my grandfather. Patient, loyal, vigilant. I believe in my heart that we would be better off with more people like her. She was sobbing, I mean, in tatters, just the sound of it.. I didn't really have to ask to know what had happened. I walked in to her bedroom to see her, my aunt, and my father, and .. My grandfather, lifeless, it's so unusual to see. I ... just lost it. I feel bad because I wanted to be stronger for my grandmother, to be that pillar of strength for her. I wanted to let her know, that everybody loved Nono so much, and still does, and that mostly they are happy that he's not in constant pain anymore, and now we're concerned for her more. I couldn't say anything, my only reaction was pain and tears. I don't really regret it, because it was honestly how I felt, but I think if I could change it, my reaction would have been one alluding to a feeling of reassurance. I tried to say.. anything, but I was stifled with emotion, I could only retreat to my bed. Ashamed, I fell asleep, somewhat. They came and took him away in a body bag. We went through old photo's. I remember vividly how my cousin screamed "STOP SAYING THAT". My aunt reiterated how he's in a better place right now, and he's not suffering anymore. I must admit it feels cliche to me as well. But saying something, I feel is better than saying nothing. Sometimes it's hard to express yourself. We had more time with photos. I called in to work and told them I wouldn't be in for a while. They were very accommodating. It was so reassuring to receive that response.
I had to get out of the house. I went for a drive with my cousin. We got breakfast at Richard Walker's .. I think that's what it's called. I remember having the Irish Benedict. It was better than any regular Eggs Benedict I've ever had.
Afterwards I stopped at Kiley's, as I had forgotten my sunglasses and watch there the night before. ( I can't play World of Warcraft with my watch on, it's weird). I think she knew something was wrong even though I was hoping to get in and out without talking about it.
When she asked I .. was glad actually. I told her what happened and she just gave me a super huge hug even though she's such a tiny woman.
I spent the rest of the day , and everyday up to today.. trying desperately to ignore. Ignore everything. Ignoring pain is the way to go. Smoke. Play videogames. Drink.
My cousin brought his computer right next to mine so we could play together. He's always been the best. I felt so lonely.
Yesterday Kiley and Andrea invited me over. They ordered Chinese food. Before I could finish Andrea popped me with a surprise. They got me a blow up guitar, and a bag of candy. Inside the bag of candy was a copy of "Grandma's Boy", which we watch almost every time we assemble at Kiley's house. Also included was a card. It was very well written, the contents I will not get into because I'm a bit touchy about it but.. it made me feel loved. I had to hide in the bathroom for a minute actually because I didn't want anybody to see me cry.
I went back home. Me, Tony, Dana, Vince, and my bro Jeff just got hammered. Smoking, drinking, repeat.
Today was the wake.
Looking at my grandfather displayed in the casket... He was so handsome! It was really incredible, in a way, I lost it when I looked down in his hands, and I saw his favorite hat. He would always wear it when he was cold. To the left was the assortment of photos. Photos of his family from Italy. Photos of him as a youth, and in the Italian Army. Photos of him on vacation with us, even though he didn't like to fly or go on vacation.
Talking with so many people about it have helped. My friend Mary Sue has been incredibly patient with me, and very helpful. I have not been as strong as I would have liked to be. Without support, especially from her, I know not how long I may have lingered in depression. I hope that she reads this and knows how genuinely I appreciate everything done for me. I wish I could mind link... To eliminate barriers... I hope to attain that comfortability with a mate...
Tomorrow is the funeral. We lay him to his final resting place. I can't stop the tears as I write this...
I need to get to sleep.
Nono I love you so much. I will miss you forever. You said goodbye to me, and I said "I'll be back" I came back.. but you were suffering too much to realize it... I'm so so sorry.