(no subject)
I think it's unrealistic to write something like this, knowing that other people will read it(especially one), and expect to be able to deliver perfect honesty and truthfulness.
I need to write about how I lie and why I do it.
I can't be so dishonest to myself any longer. It does me no service, offers me no favor. There is a great pain in my heart still, and I am in deep lament, because I allow pain, and shame to weaken me and cause pain to people I know and must say I truly care about. My stepfather Newton asked me one great question I will never forget. "Why do you lie?" He explained to me that people lie ultimately because they are ashamed. They are ashamed to admit they are doing something that... half the time they should not be ashamed of. I lie ALL the time because I'm ashamed of things I do to myself and when I speak to others most of the time I'm lying.
Usually it's a scenario where somebody will ask me "What are you doing?"
The truthful response (in this example)would be "I'm playing World of Warcraft"
I don't say that because I'm ashamed that I play that game, because I don't want to be associated with the typical person that plays the game, you know the stereotype. I play too much. I could be doing so much more with my time. But I don't want anybody else to think that about me, because I'm afraid of judgment, so I lie about it and say in this example. "I'm playing guitar."
I say I'm playing guitar because I SHOULD be playing guitar. It makes me so happy and I'm good at it. All modesty aside I'd be REALLY FUCKING GOOD AT IT if I didn't play so many video games!
In truth, It is my favorite thing to, I've always had a pulse, a feel for rhythm, a soul for melody, a yearning for harmony. I don't even believe it's ME that's so good at music than it is what has just always been inside of me. Regardless, I believe deep inside it's my calling, that even if I don't make a living playing, I will be doing it for the rest of my life. Music is something wonderful, isn't it?
I believe, deep inside our brain, there is a key to something great. I have always believed in the power of self, the power of faith, of belief. I believe this is part of the reason why I have so much trouble being honest and simply asking for help. I would be ashamed in the fact that I needed help, shamed that I could not, fix myself, by myself. But what exactly is wrong with me?
I have two working arms, legs, eyes. I have good vision and good ears. I can breathe easy and I exercise often. Everything physically about me is in good working order. I am not missing any teeth, fingers, toes, or have any irregular or vestigial extremities. I have been blessed with the opportunity to grow and flourish and have been fortunate enough to have not died yet. I have been gifted with a great, functional working brain. I'm a smart cookie. No bullshit. Accelerated courses and all that jazz. I'm not writing this to impress you... this time. I think it's part of the reason I have such a problem with myself.
But what exactly is wrong with me?
It's like a question that I won't allow myself to answer.
The key inside my brain opens a door, on the other side is the answer.
Sometimes I try to meditate, to think hard, and deep about what the answer is...
I cannot adequately explain what happens well enough, I will say only there is a great resistance.
I shut down, I change the topic, I think of something else, a song, a sound, a memory, a smell.
Something happens where I just do not allow myself to think about myself to help myself when it's THAT question. It's as if admitting there is in fact a problem, is unacceptable in any way.
I really think that the answer is that deep inside, I hate that I've been given so much and returned so little. So much was invested, and so little yielded. I'm so insecure, it's truly sad, sad only to me. The little lies I craft turn into big lies that are my Albatross. The weight on my shoulders.
So what's so bad about what I do? I smoke a lot of marijuana, pot, weed, chronic, grass, dope, whatever the fuck you want to call it. I spend a lot of money on it. I'm addicted to it. People say it's not as bad or as harmful as other drugs or behaviors. I'm inclined to agree with the stipulation that I admit it really depends on the person. Weed could be worse than cocaine, if you never touch cocaine, and smoke weed 7 times a day. Do you understand?
I masturbate, A LOT. I really feel it's great because I am able to release tension and fulfill crazy fantasies without hurting anyone at all. What is wrong with masturbation? I don't really think anything is wrong with masturbation unless you're doing it in an inappropriate place, like a hotel pool. I am ashamed that I masturbate even though I realize that it's perfectly safe and healthy in moderation and there's really no good reason to be ashamed of it. This is just an example of my inability to be honest.
I haven't gone to school and taken full advantage of the gift of intelligence given to me. I'm ashamed of that. I'm not ashamed of the money I make though, and it doesn't matter that I don't need the things I buy, when I spend that money, it makes me happy. Sometimes it makes me sad when I try to think about why I need to buy things to make me happy.
My problem .. is that I can't be happy because I can't be honest. I can't be truly intimate because I can't be happy. I can't be happy because I can't be honest.
Honesty is something I thought I held as a great virtue. I don't think I can really say that until I start ACTING myself like it's a great virtue to me. If I am not honest, can I really expect honesty from a woman I want romantically?
Sarah was my last girlfriend. She in no way will approve of me putting her name in my journal, for other people to read. She has told me this before and I had promised to not write about her. If I'm going to help myself however, there's no way I'm going to do it without getting to the issue of my relationship with her directly. If you're reading this, Sarah, please just don't stop here.
When I started dating Sarah, things were just great, I think it's because she at the time, didn't know what she was getting herself into. At that point in my life, I had become pretty good at disguising things that I did not want other people to see. I always made sure to represent the best in myself whenever I saw her. I would do and say nice things to her and do nice things for her. I did and said those things honestly because I wanted sex, and I wanted affection, and attention. I have issues with inadequacy and I often feel very insecure. I wanted to date a pretty lady and have other people know it. Little did I know, I would actually fall in love with her. More than just wanting to copulate, there came a day when I realized, that deep inside, I was happy to make her happy. I became sad if she was sad. There was genuine care and concern. I saw a pretty girl, at first, then a pretty girl with a real, live, working brain, who actually had similar interests!
It was too much. At first it was what I thought I wanted in a relationship. I think now, it was what I NEEDED in a relationship, however, she wanted to get close to me, emotionally, and opened up to me. I did the worst possible thing. I became scared. I was afraid that I would get hurt. I rejected her trust in me. I went further than that, I conjured a rationality to defend it. I invented REASONS to JUSTIFY my insecurity towards her! How clever and smart I am do you see now? I told myself that SHE was controlling and manipulative! I made HER the enemy at fault.
In honesty there is a 90% chance that I may have called YOU after I broke up with Sarah, and told YOU a whole load of shit about how she fucked up in just about every possible way. Even though you didn't ask! If you didn't I would say just the right words to make you ask "what's wrong?" or "what happened?" so that I could recite my carefully prepared speech! How I loved to receive pity! It mended my self inflicted wound, but only partially.
I am in deep lament, and I cannot use the fact that my grandfather has passed away as an excuse.
He truly is the great person I made him out to be, and if I were truly to be stronger and more like him, it starts with being more honest about who I am and less ashamed of what I do.
I am in deep lament because I just pushed Sarah to the brink. She put me right in my place. She told me that my drama was too much for her and that she will not miss it. At this moment in my deep reflection I cannot think of any justification for why I said and did the things to her that I did. But I can't take it back, there is no reset button.
When she found out that my grandfather died, her support was immediate. I couldn't accept that, it wasn't enough for me. I wanted constant attention. I wanted her to drop EVERYTHING in her life for me at the moment. When it didn't happen I became resentful. I would count how many minutes it took before she replied to a text message from me. WHEN DID I TURN INTO THIS KIND OF PERSON!?
As much as it embarrasses me to admit to all these base behaviors, I know it is the key to my salvation. Not the salvation given from god. Salvation of self. I am no Guru of Life. I was a young, somewhat mature, arrogant man when I chose that name for my journal. Then I pretended, I liked it, I would lie and say to you that I enjoy the satirical and ridiculous nature of the name.
I got off track. I wanted to say... Sarah, you suffered for my faults. You accepted me for what I was and you were bigger than I am. I made our relationship a contest and a battle. There can never be a winner in that situation. You took the higher ground and ... I don't expect you to forgive me, or really feel for me the same way again.
I am in deep lament for what happened to the greatest person I knew in my life, my grandfather, but in that great time of need, when I needed to be strongest, I was weakest, and then I blamed you for it Sarah.
The reason why I'm writing this is that so I can be honest for myself and to help myself. But Sarah you also deserve to know the truth and there is no way I would be able to explain in to you except for this way where I can gather my thoughts and be much more eloquent.
I cannot take it back and I am so sorry. I don't want any more expectations. I want to be a better person. I want to be a better person with you, but it's my fault that it did not happen.
You may have already figured out these things about me well in advance. I was too focused on what I could invent wrong with you to focus on myself.
That will be the last time your name goes in my journal. Sarah you taught me a great lesson. You told me that you don't need to be poor, or retarded, or mistreated to feel alone and depressed. Anybody in any situation, rich or not, blessed or cursed, can feel alone and need help. It just needed to be said, you had nothing to be ashamed for. You shouldn't suffer for my lies anymore. I want to apologize, even if I don't get your forgiveness. You made me very happy.
I think the next step for me, is a lot for crying. Crying for some reason always helped me to feel better. But I'm done with running away. Maybe after I cry, I'll play some guitar, smoke some weed, and masturbate. I seek reassurance. But I finally realize that has to come from myself first. I have to believe it, not convince myself of it.
I haven't slept very much this week. I hope tonight, I can finally sleep well, and I hope tomorrow, I'm lucky enough to wake up alive, so that I can start to make things better for myself and for the other people that I care about in my life. I want to be alive. I want to live and be happy and make other people happy. Please let me do that.
I need to write about how I lie and why I do it.
I can't be so dishonest to myself any longer. It does me no service, offers me no favor. There is a great pain in my heart still, and I am in deep lament, because I allow pain, and shame to weaken me and cause pain to people I know and must say I truly care about. My stepfather Newton asked me one great question I will never forget. "Why do you lie?" He explained to me that people lie ultimately because they are ashamed. They are ashamed to admit they are doing something that... half the time they should not be ashamed of. I lie ALL the time because I'm ashamed of things I do to myself and when I speak to others most of the time I'm lying.
Usually it's a scenario where somebody will ask me "What are you doing?"
The truthful response (in this example)would be "I'm playing World of Warcraft"
I don't say that because I'm ashamed that I play that game, because I don't want to be associated with the typical person that plays the game, you know the stereotype. I play too much. I could be doing so much more with my time. But I don't want anybody else to think that about me, because I'm afraid of judgment, so I lie about it and say in this example. "I'm playing guitar."
I say I'm playing guitar because I SHOULD be playing guitar. It makes me so happy and I'm good at it. All modesty aside I'd be REALLY FUCKING GOOD AT IT if I didn't play so many video games!
In truth, It is my favorite thing to, I've always had a pulse, a feel for rhythm, a soul for melody, a yearning for harmony. I don't even believe it's ME that's so good at music than it is what has just always been inside of me. Regardless, I believe deep inside it's my calling, that even if I don't make a living playing, I will be doing it for the rest of my life. Music is something wonderful, isn't it?
I believe, deep inside our brain, there is a key to something great. I have always believed in the power of self, the power of faith, of belief. I believe this is part of the reason why I have so much trouble being honest and simply asking for help. I would be ashamed in the fact that I needed help, shamed that I could not, fix myself, by myself. But what exactly is wrong with me?
I have two working arms, legs, eyes. I have good vision and good ears. I can breathe easy and I exercise often. Everything physically about me is in good working order. I am not missing any teeth, fingers, toes, or have any irregular or vestigial extremities. I have been blessed with the opportunity to grow and flourish and have been fortunate enough to have not died yet. I have been gifted with a great, functional working brain. I'm a smart cookie. No bullshit. Accelerated courses and all that jazz. I'm not writing this to impress you... this time. I think it's part of the reason I have such a problem with myself.
But what exactly is wrong with me?
It's like a question that I won't allow myself to answer.
The key inside my brain opens a door, on the other side is the answer.
Sometimes I try to meditate, to think hard, and deep about what the answer is...
I cannot adequately explain what happens well enough, I will say only there is a great resistance.
I shut down, I change the topic, I think of something else, a song, a sound, a memory, a smell.
Something happens where I just do not allow myself to think about myself to help myself when it's THAT question. It's as if admitting there is in fact a problem, is unacceptable in any way.
I really think that the answer is that deep inside, I hate that I've been given so much and returned so little. So much was invested, and so little yielded. I'm so insecure, it's truly sad, sad only to me. The little lies I craft turn into big lies that are my Albatross. The weight on my shoulders.
So what's so bad about what I do? I smoke a lot of marijuana, pot, weed, chronic, grass, dope, whatever the fuck you want to call it. I spend a lot of money on it. I'm addicted to it. People say it's not as bad or as harmful as other drugs or behaviors. I'm inclined to agree with the stipulation that I admit it really depends on the person. Weed could be worse than cocaine, if you never touch cocaine, and smoke weed 7 times a day. Do you understand?
I masturbate, A LOT. I really feel it's great because I am able to release tension and fulfill crazy fantasies without hurting anyone at all. What is wrong with masturbation? I don't really think anything is wrong with masturbation unless you're doing it in an inappropriate place, like a hotel pool. I am ashamed that I masturbate even though I realize that it's perfectly safe and healthy in moderation and there's really no good reason to be ashamed of it. This is just an example of my inability to be honest.
I haven't gone to school and taken full advantage of the gift of intelligence given to me. I'm ashamed of that. I'm not ashamed of the money I make though, and it doesn't matter that I don't need the things I buy, when I spend that money, it makes me happy. Sometimes it makes me sad when I try to think about why I need to buy things to make me happy.
My problem .. is that I can't be happy because I can't be honest. I can't be truly intimate because I can't be happy. I can't be happy because I can't be honest.
Honesty is something I thought I held as a great virtue. I don't think I can really say that until I start ACTING myself like it's a great virtue to me. If I am not honest, can I really expect honesty from a woman I want romantically?
Sarah was my last girlfriend. She in no way will approve of me putting her name in my journal, for other people to read. She has told me this before and I had promised to not write about her. If I'm going to help myself however, there's no way I'm going to do it without getting to the issue of my relationship with her directly. If you're reading this, Sarah, please just don't stop here.
When I started dating Sarah, things were just great, I think it's because she at the time, didn't know what she was getting herself into. At that point in my life, I had become pretty good at disguising things that I did not want other people to see. I always made sure to represent the best in myself whenever I saw her. I would do and say nice things to her and do nice things for her. I did and said those things honestly because I wanted sex, and I wanted affection, and attention. I have issues with inadequacy and I often feel very insecure. I wanted to date a pretty lady and have other people know it. Little did I know, I would actually fall in love with her. More than just wanting to copulate, there came a day when I realized, that deep inside, I was happy to make her happy. I became sad if she was sad. There was genuine care and concern. I saw a pretty girl, at first, then a pretty girl with a real, live, working brain, who actually had similar interests!
It was too much. At first it was what I thought I wanted in a relationship. I think now, it was what I NEEDED in a relationship, however, she wanted to get close to me, emotionally, and opened up to me. I did the worst possible thing. I became scared. I was afraid that I would get hurt. I rejected her trust in me. I went further than that, I conjured a rationality to defend it. I invented REASONS to JUSTIFY my insecurity towards her! How clever and smart I am do you see now? I told myself that SHE was controlling and manipulative! I made HER the enemy at fault.
In honesty there is a 90% chance that I may have called YOU after I broke up with Sarah, and told YOU a whole load of shit about how she fucked up in just about every possible way. Even though you didn't ask! If you didn't I would say just the right words to make you ask "what's wrong?" or "what happened?" so that I could recite my carefully prepared speech! How I loved to receive pity! It mended my self inflicted wound, but only partially.
I am in deep lament, and I cannot use the fact that my grandfather has passed away as an excuse.
He truly is the great person I made him out to be, and if I were truly to be stronger and more like him, it starts with being more honest about who I am and less ashamed of what I do.
I am in deep lament because I just pushed Sarah to the brink. She put me right in my place. She told me that my drama was too much for her and that she will not miss it. At this moment in my deep reflection I cannot think of any justification for why I said and did the things to her that I did. But I can't take it back, there is no reset button.
When she found out that my grandfather died, her support was immediate. I couldn't accept that, it wasn't enough for me. I wanted constant attention. I wanted her to drop EVERYTHING in her life for me at the moment. When it didn't happen I became resentful. I would count how many minutes it took before she replied to a text message from me. WHEN DID I TURN INTO THIS KIND OF PERSON!?
As much as it embarrasses me to admit to all these base behaviors, I know it is the key to my salvation. Not the salvation given from god. Salvation of self. I am no Guru of Life. I was a young, somewhat mature, arrogant man when I chose that name for my journal. Then I pretended, I liked it, I would lie and say to you that I enjoy the satirical and ridiculous nature of the name.
I got off track. I wanted to say... Sarah, you suffered for my faults. You accepted me for what I was and you were bigger than I am. I made our relationship a contest and a battle. There can never be a winner in that situation. You took the higher ground and ... I don't expect you to forgive me, or really feel for me the same way again.
I am in deep lament for what happened to the greatest person I knew in my life, my grandfather, but in that great time of need, when I needed to be strongest, I was weakest, and then I blamed you for it Sarah.
The reason why I'm writing this is that so I can be honest for myself and to help myself. But Sarah you also deserve to know the truth and there is no way I would be able to explain in to you except for this way where I can gather my thoughts and be much more eloquent.
I cannot take it back and I am so sorry. I don't want any more expectations. I want to be a better person. I want to be a better person with you, but it's my fault that it did not happen.
You may have already figured out these things about me well in advance. I was too focused on what I could invent wrong with you to focus on myself.
That will be the last time your name goes in my journal. Sarah you taught me a great lesson. You told me that you don't need to be poor, or retarded, or mistreated to feel alone and depressed. Anybody in any situation, rich or not, blessed or cursed, can feel alone and need help. It just needed to be said, you had nothing to be ashamed for. You shouldn't suffer for my lies anymore. I want to apologize, even if I don't get your forgiveness. You made me very happy.
I think the next step for me, is a lot for crying. Crying for some reason always helped me to feel better. But I'm done with running away. Maybe after I cry, I'll play some guitar, smoke some weed, and masturbate. I seek reassurance. But I finally realize that has to come from myself first. I have to believe it, not convince myself of it.
I haven't slept very much this week. I hope tonight, I can finally sleep well, and I hope tomorrow, I'm lucky enough to wake up alive, so that I can start to make things better for myself and for the other people that I care about in my life. I want to be alive. I want to live and be happy and make other people happy. Please let me do that.