Bore of the Worlds
Stevie, Stevie, Stevie. I don't usually have big problems with Spielberg's work, esp. his last several (except The Terminal, which I haven't seen). Minority Report (his best recent one), A.I. (I don't care what anyone says, this is underrated), and Catch Me If You Can (a bit long and I hate Leo, but it was good).
Bore of the Worlds, I mean, War of the Worlds... yikes.
This movie was one big special effects jerk-off.
I really wanted to like this sum'bitch, but I can't let the crappy things go, even if it is "the great and powerful Spielberg." Guess I need a lobotomy, and I'll dig Hollywood cinema in general that much more...
**[spoilers amidst the Ebert & Cranky]**
Yeah, the effects were awesome as hell, and the merging of CGI, models, and the kitchen sink techniques was visually brilliant, as only Spielby can do, but there was really NO story. Unless you count that totally irrelevant family drama bullshit. I mean, it could've been a happy family without the empty divorced dad fridge, brooding teenage asshole son, and token stepdad, and aliens still could've invaded. And you didn't need marquee star "Tom Cruise" as the "main character", who didn't add anything “substantial” to the proceedings. It could've been anyone.
The biggest gripe: Virtually nothing was explained. Spielberg doesn't usually make "check your brain at the door" flicks, and I guess I made the mistake of bringing my brain with me. And that ending was garbage. It smells like a result of test marketed audiences being upset at a previous ending. I really was expecting just a *little* explanation sometime during the proceedings, esp. by the second half, but apparently that was too much to expect. All the setup you got was some brief news clips that some weirdness was going on in other countries. So many questions left unanswered, like why were aliens looking at photos in Tim Robbins' basement? WTF? Gimme one line telling me what's going on at some point.
The bookend voice-over (regardless of it being Morgan Freeman) was ridiculous, esp. at the end. So, the aliens got a cold? They're that high-tech and they just got sick from our atmosphere... or something? And why the hell were they here "before we were even on the planet"?!? That makes zero sense. It should've concluded with the line "And you just got ripped off. Have a nice day."
It’s sad because it probably could’ve been great. Ol' Stevie dropped the ball on this one. I've enjoyed most of his recent movies, too. But I had to laugh when the "screenplay" credit came up. What screenplay? And what seemed to be the "Saving Private Alien" section was pretty stupid, too. The elements are there in the movie-- they just needed to be tied together, but instead were cobbled like a shitty sandcastle. It was like a rough draft with finished effects. And as amazing as they were, and as cool as the suspense was in those portions, and as entertaining as they were, the effects could not save the lack of story, or point. They cheated the whole flick because it didn't have much weight. My initial assumption of overall pointlessness sadly came true.
Some people hate, some people love Independence Day (which is itself an original War of the Worlds ripoff, among other things). But that’s more what you’re watching here than anything else. It even felt the same: after the first five minutes, when the same exact shot of people looking up at the sky from their yards came on. And at least ID4 had a plot. And did Tim Robbins really need to be a psychopath? He couldn't have just been a survivor? And they had just set up earlier in the scene that he was at least as strong as Cruise, and even wacked him on the head w/a shovel, yet Cruise just goes in the next room for 10 seconds and takes care of him? And he also has the most infuriating line in the movie: "It's not a war, it's an extermination." Well, then change the fuckin' title to Extermination: Earth or something. Robbins was good in the role, but gimme a break.
And Cruise just HAPPENS to run into someone he knows on the road in the midst of hundreds of people? Seriously. Why was that necessary? So, Cruise is just a lowly mechanic everyman who just happens to notice that the wind pattern of the storm is strange, and is the only one who notices that birds shitting on the robots (or whatever) showed that the shields were down. THIS is the exposition that we get (gee, thanks). But aliens perusing photos, coming down via lightning bolts (and then growing, or what?@#%&*?), orange Hi-C goo coming out of the robots, the red vine-looking stuff, the loud noises that the robots made... we're supposed to just buy all that sans point-- Okay, I got ya. Check.
I was expecting a dedication in the credits: "This one's for the mouth-breathers. Heart, S.S."
Dakota Fanning was great, though. Her, Tim Robbins, and the efx were the good stuff. Send the rest back for a remake.
I also watched The United States of Leland, which was like Magnolia meets American Beauty meets Donnie Darko... which WASN'T a good thing. Ultimately very little point, even though it tried really hard to be important (like Magnolia and the painfully overrated Darko). Had some okay parts and some okay ideas, but mostly just blah. And the lead actor, Ryan Gosling, was like the ever-annoying Jake Gyllenhaal's equally annoying cousing. Blank stare. Lame underacting. Wow. Kevin Spacey (who co-produced) was good in his smallish role. And Don Cheadle, whose projects are hit-or-miss, was great. And shockingly (seriously, shockingly), Chris Klein (of American Pie fame) of all people was actually good in his role, too. I've never seen him do anything of substance. Otherwise, snoozefest.
And I also re-watched Batman Beyond: Return of the Joker. Now THAT is a Batman flick. Tight story, good characterization, dark overtones, and no shitting on the comics. Pretty sad that the animated movies are better than the live action. Batman Beyond is actually a very cool update. Bruce Wayne's an old bastard, the new Batsuit is full of futuristic-yet-practical gadgetry, and the kid isn't just some annoying Robin-esque kid. He actually works for Wayne, and has a reason to be the Bat. Noice stuff. And the pilot movie is great, too. Very good origin story.
My dad's name is Frank, but if mine was, I would adopt the moniker Frank the Movie Crank. Maybe I'll use it anyway.
Movie Crank out.