He giveth and He taketh away
Whatever peace of mind I had last night at the writing of my last entry blew up in my face only minutes before I was going to settle down to sleep.
I made the error of checking my school email. I wanted to make sure I had no make-up tests to give today, and when the window displaying my messages came up, my heart felt as if it had dropped to my toes.
There, in black print against white was a message from my grad coordinator with the subject line "Candidacy" in which I was informed that if I wanted to graduate next semester, I needed to get my ass in gear and let her know who my thesis committee will consist of by next Monday.
You know that acid bubble I had described in another entry? It returned -- with a vengence. I spent the rest of the night in the dark turning the whole thing around and around in my head while summarily tossing, turning, punching my pillow, crying, praying, and cussing. I'm very tired right now as a result.
I'm consumed with the questions: How can I possibly construct a Thesis Committee without a thesis? and Will Dr. Altman totally throw me out of school if I make it plain to her that I probably won't be graduating next semester?
I feel that my indecison implies that I am a failure where it counts. I'm lost and I have no one to turn to for support. Tressa's too immersed in her own problems and self pity (she actually cried to me last night before I got the e-mail-of-DOOM that she would be happy if she didn't wake up in the morning, that she was convinced no one would care if she were gone). My parents often feel this NEED to trivialize the whole thesis thing, and my brother . . . well, my brother's never around.
I don't know what to do, and that - above all else - scares me, that I haven't the slightest idea of how to proceed. I just wish for once someone (who knows me personally) would allow me a moment to cry on a warm shoulder. I wish I were not the person everyone expects to have all the answers. I feel very pressured and frantic and STRESSED, and I don't have time to indulge in any of my usual release exercises (writing, dancing, singing) b/c I have two books and a paper to finish today.
I want my peace back.
- Kysra
I made the error of checking my school email. I wanted to make sure I had no make-up tests to give today, and when the window displaying my messages came up, my heart felt as if it had dropped to my toes.
There, in black print against white was a message from my grad coordinator with the subject line "Candidacy" in which I was informed that if I wanted to graduate next semester, I needed to get my ass in gear and let her know who my thesis committee will consist of by next Monday.
You know that acid bubble I had described in another entry? It returned -- with a vengence. I spent the rest of the night in the dark turning the whole thing around and around in my head while summarily tossing, turning, punching my pillow, crying, praying, and cussing. I'm very tired right now as a result.
I'm consumed with the questions: How can I possibly construct a Thesis Committee without a thesis? and Will Dr. Altman totally throw me out of school if I make it plain to her that I probably won't be graduating next semester?
I feel that my indecison implies that I am a failure where it counts. I'm lost and I have no one to turn to for support. Tressa's too immersed in her own problems and self pity (she actually cried to me last night before I got the e-mail-of-DOOM that she would be happy if she didn't wake up in the morning, that she was convinced no one would care if she were gone). My parents often feel this NEED to trivialize the whole thesis thing, and my brother . . . well, my brother's never around.
I don't know what to do, and that - above all else - scares me, that I haven't the slightest idea of how to proceed. I just wish for once someone (who knows me personally) would allow me a moment to cry on a warm shoulder. I wish I were not the person everyone expects to have all the answers. I feel very pressured and frantic and STRESSED, and I don't have time to indulge in any of my usual release exercises (writing, dancing, singing) b/c I have two books and a paper to finish today.
I want my peace back.
- Kysra