rant
i'm miserable. if you know me, you know i've been trying to analyze the damn cause of everything, and i think i've found it.
1. work: blows. my vp is cock-blocking me from advancing at all, and since more and more responsibility is being taken away from me, i get the feeling i'm being edged out. i love the people i work with and the students i work for, but this is getting ridiculous. i've been employed for over two years now and i still wouldn't qualify for any type of big loan, couldn't make a down payment on anything, and as long as i stay with this institution, i'll prolly never be able to afford a family. and avon sucks, too. not enough time to sell enough to save money. not losing money, but not really saving as much as i'd hoped.
2. job hunt: obviously, i've been looking for other opportunities. i've been applying for a multitude of jobs (30+) all over the country, and have only heard two rejections thus far. lame.
3. family: my brother came into town this week. most of you know our relationship has always been rocky. when katie came, it got a ton better, but now that she's gone and he married leslie, it sucks again. on top of that, the settlement he got regarding katie's death seems to make him believe he can sit around and play guitar hero until he can retire. somehow, i don't think that's what katie would have wanted. anyway, he came into town, his friends purse got stolen (after i warned them that the crime rate here was nuts) and i cracked a joke yesterday. a joke that by any of my friends standards would have gotten laughs, but not so. i peaced out, came home and continued the job search :-) matt's greatest accomplishment thus far seems to be how many beers he can drink and how much he can belittle folks with less money. he's turning into dad, and that BLOWS.
4. relationship: this is tough. atlanta is so much closer than france, but it sucks. jay's so caught up in his work that our relationship is beginning to suffer. now that he has seven weeks off starting tomorrow, one would assume he'd be so excited to see me and pick up where we left off that he'd hop in his car and come to savannah. when he told me he'd see me at thanksgiving, i was willing to suck it up. but now he's saying that he won't spend any of his break with me ("i don't just want to sit around all day"). this INFURIATES me. i have been working my ass off here to try and help get him through school at a job that has made me miserable and all i want is to be able to come home to the man i love (the reason we moved to savannah together) and believe that all is right with the world. we need to have a sit down face-to-face, but the next chance we'll have it is thanksgiving, where we'll be surrounded by family and he won't talk. everyone close to me has the same reaction: maybe he needs space. we had a bang-out this summer where i assumed this had all been worked out... maybe we're due again. it's almost the three year mark, and i'm looking for that fucking commitment.
5. loneliness: i knew that working in higher ed meant that i couldn't socialize with students. i never imagined that savannah wouldn't have anyone my age that was not a student. this was avoided while he was here and when i had time to do shows. the show that i thought would get me through (socially) this time around didn't materialize. not enough people auditioned, so no show. so, i sit at home, continue the job search and have no one to vent my frustrations to, make dinner for, got out to bars with, have movie nights, game nights, ANYTHING.
i can't hold jay accountable for all this, but it sure would be nice if he were around to support me as much as i've supported him the last three years.
hope the rest of the world is fine and dandy. i needed to get this out for me.
1. work: blows. my vp is cock-blocking me from advancing at all, and since more and more responsibility is being taken away from me, i get the feeling i'm being edged out. i love the people i work with and the students i work for, but this is getting ridiculous. i've been employed for over two years now and i still wouldn't qualify for any type of big loan, couldn't make a down payment on anything, and as long as i stay with this institution, i'll prolly never be able to afford a family. and avon sucks, too. not enough time to sell enough to save money. not losing money, but not really saving as much as i'd hoped.
2. job hunt: obviously, i've been looking for other opportunities. i've been applying for a multitude of jobs (30+) all over the country, and have only heard two rejections thus far. lame.
3. family: my brother came into town this week. most of you know our relationship has always been rocky. when katie came, it got a ton better, but now that she's gone and he married leslie, it sucks again. on top of that, the settlement he got regarding katie's death seems to make him believe he can sit around and play guitar hero until he can retire. somehow, i don't think that's what katie would have wanted. anyway, he came into town, his friends purse got stolen (after i warned them that the crime rate here was nuts) and i cracked a joke yesterday. a joke that by any of my friends standards would have gotten laughs, but not so. i peaced out, came home and continued the job search :-) matt's greatest accomplishment thus far seems to be how many beers he can drink and how much he can belittle folks with less money. he's turning into dad, and that BLOWS.
4. relationship: this is tough. atlanta is so much closer than france, but it sucks. jay's so caught up in his work that our relationship is beginning to suffer. now that he has seven weeks off starting tomorrow, one would assume he'd be so excited to see me and pick up where we left off that he'd hop in his car and come to savannah. when he told me he'd see me at thanksgiving, i was willing to suck it up. but now he's saying that he won't spend any of his break with me ("i don't just want to sit around all day"). this INFURIATES me. i have been working my ass off here to try and help get him through school at a job that has made me miserable and all i want is to be able to come home to the man i love (the reason we moved to savannah together) and believe that all is right with the world. we need to have a sit down face-to-face, but the next chance we'll have it is thanksgiving, where we'll be surrounded by family and he won't talk. everyone close to me has the same reaction: maybe he needs space. we had a bang-out this summer where i assumed this had all been worked out... maybe we're due again. it's almost the three year mark, and i'm looking for that fucking commitment.
5. loneliness: i knew that working in higher ed meant that i couldn't socialize with students. i never imagined that savannah wouldn't have anyone my age that was not a student. this was avoided while he was here and when i had time to do shows. the show that i thought would get me through (socially) this time around didn't materialize. not enough people auditioned, so no show. so, i sit at home, continue the job search and have no one to vent my frustrations to, make dinner for, got out to bars with, have movie nights, game nights, ANYTHING.
i can't hold jay accountable for all this, but it sure would be nice if he were around to support me as much as i've supported him the last three years.
hope the rest of the world is fine and dandy. i needed to get this out for me.