Alone...
I sat in the dive thru lane at Taco Bell awaiting my turn to order that delicious fake mexican cuisine when I glanced up and saw a truck with an "=" sticker on it. This is not the first time I've ever seen one, but this one really stuck out at me for some reason. I slowly lifted my eyes to see that the passengers in the truck were two males, who were very obviously a couple. I smiled to myself. I wanted more than anything at that moment, to get out of my vehicle, walk up to the truck and say hi. I wanted more than anything to tell them or show them somehow, that I respect them. I respect those two men, whom I've never met and probably never will, more than most people in this sad world.
I've been sad an awful lot lately. I don't know exactly why, but I know part (if not a HUGE chunk) of it, is that I miss my mom. I miss her so much. And it hurts me to think that, to say that, to type that out. I ate lunch at a "usual" spot today with a friend from work and a waiter (who always talks to us, even if we aren't sitting at one of his tables) came by to say hi. He asked how our Mother's Day was and asked if we took our moms out to eat. I turned away. I didn't say anything, just turned my head. What are you supposed to do? Will someone please tell me what I'm supposed to do, to say, when something like that happens? My friend quickly answered him and shooed him away then asked me if I was okay. I said I was fine. That's not the truth. I'm not fine with my mother being gone. I'm not fine with not being able to talk to her anymore. I'm not fine with her not being here for me right now, when I need her the most. I'm most definitely NOT fine. I'm sad. I'm the saddest I've ever been in my life. I need someone, but don't want to be bothered by anyone at the same time. I'm constantly in bad moods, then catch myself and try to make it up after it's too late. I'm really trying though. Everyone, please know, that I'm really trying. And I'm sorry. I'm sorry if I have hurt or upset anyone through this. I loved her more than anyone in this stupid fucking pathetic world, and I'm trying to get over her not being here, but it's just plain not easy. I'm grumpy and slacking in everything. I laze around WAY more than I ever did before. I have slumped myself into my very own pathetic, mope around, feel sorry for myself life and I hate it. I don't know how to change. I don't know what or who could help. I miss her. I love her and I miss her.
I watched the season finale of one of my most favorite shows, Grey's Anatomy, tonight. (Sorry Fran, but I definitely NEED to watch it again, so don't do it without me please?) I cried almost the entire show. Everything in that show made me think about one sad thing in my life after another. And I just sat there, watching, and crying. I have something inside of me that just keeps sparking and never lighting up. I want to get my life back on some kind of track, but just don't know where to begin. There are so many things I'm scared of and so many things I just don't know what to do or where to begin. She was so good at giving me advice about everything. And loving me regardless of the trouble I got myself into. Now I feel like I'm alone. And I don't want to confess my troubles to anyone 'cause I'm pretty sure I'd be looked down upon. With her I didn't have to worry about that. With my momma, I knew she'd love me through it all.
Wow, this is a random, everywhere post. I'm sorry. It's been a while, and I have a lot of scattered things on my mind. People I know and love have been calling & emailing me and I've been aloof. I've been blowing them off. I keep telling everyone that I'm busy. I keep making excuses. The truth is, the only thing that's been keeping me busy lately is my mind. I literally feel exhausted at times after just sitting and thinking about things. I know this sounds a bit weird, but I honestly think I need to check into taking some kind of meds for this or something. Am I crazy?
I've been sad an awful lot lately. I don't know exactly why, but I know part (if not a HUGE chunk) of it, is that I miss my mom. I miss her so much. And it hurts me to think that, to say that, to type that out. I ate lunch at a "usual" spot today with a friend from work and a waiter (who always talks to us, even if we aren't sitting at one of his tables) came by to say hi. He asked how our Mother's Day was and asked if we took our moms out to eat. I turned away. I didn't say anything, just turned my head. What are you supposed to do? Will someone please tell me what I'm supposed to do, to say, when something like that happens? My friend quickly answered him and shooed him away then asked me if I was okay. I said I was fine. That's not the truth. I'm not fine with my mother being gone. I'm not fine with not being able to talk to her anymore. I'm not fine with her not being here for me right now, when I need her the most. I'm most definitely NOT fine. I'm sad. I'm the saddest I've ever been in my life. I need someone, but don't want to be bothered by anyone at the same time. I'm constantly in bad moods, then catch myself and try to make it up after it's too late. I'm really trying though. Everyone, please know, that I'm really trying. And I'm sorry. I'm sorry if I have hurt or upset anyone through this. I loved her more than anyone in this stupid fucking pathetic world, and I'm trying to get over her not being here, but it's just plain not easy. I'm grumpy and slacking in everything. I laze around WAY more than I ever did before. I have slumped myself into my very own pathetic, mope around, feel sorry for myself life and I hate it. I don't know how to change. I don't know what or who could help. I miss her. I love her and I miss her.
I watched the season finale of one of my most favorite shows, Grey's Anatomy, tonight. (Sorry Fran, but I definitely NEED to watch it again, so don't do it without me please?) I cried almost the entire show. Everything in that show made me think about one sad thing in my life after another. And I just sat there, watching, and crying. I have something inside of me that just keeps sparking and never lighting up. I want to get my life back on some kind of track, but just don't know where to begin. There are so many things I'm scared of and so many things I just don't know what to do or where to begin. She was so good at giving me advice about everything. And loving me regardless of the trouble I got myself into. Now I feel like I'm alone. And I don't want to confess my troubles to anyone 'cause I'm pretty sure I'd be looked down upon. With her I didn't have to worry about that. With my momma, I knew she'd love me through it all.
Wow, this is a random, everywhere post. I'm sorry. It's been a while, and I have a lot of scattered things on my mind. People I know and love have been calling & emailing me and I've been aloof. I've been blowing them off. I keep telling everyone that I'm busy. I keep making excuses. The truth is, the only thing that's been keeping me busy lately is my mind. I literally feel exhausted at times after just sitting and thinking about things. I know this sounds a bit weird, but I honestly think I need to check into taking some kind of meds for this or something. Am I crazy?