Bereft
From the time I was a little girl I have loved the story from Plato about how humans are the result of creatures that were split in two by the Gods who wanted more people to worship them. I loved the idea that, once upon a time, we all came from the same soul, the same heart. Somehow it always made me feel just a little bit better about living a life that is much too small for my liking that I was connected in a way to everyone else.
Today, I don't feel that way.
My mother used to tell me that I shouldn't need to ask for things, that if I were good at things, people would notice. Promotions would come, gifts would be easy, etc. etc. etc. For those of you born under a rock, life does not work that way. So, later in life, people suggested that I ask for what I wanted. That does work better, but to be honest, I have always wanted someone to love me enough, and know me enough, to see what I needed and get it for me.
Someone I've known, my whole life, who says that they love me, has never seen what I need most right now. Today I tried to ask for it. By the end of the conversation I was standing there in tears, desperate to run away from the whole thing.
I've always pretty much taken care of myself, not told people too much about the parts of my life that go beyond suck. Oh, I complain, I bitch, I whine and whimper, but I keep it to the tip of the ice berg. And I do it because... I know that, for the most part, I'm not going to get what I need. I just didn't want to believe it.
Now I know for sure. There are people that like me, people who care about me, even people that love me, but fundamentally, no one is really going to help me out of this
And I feel like I can't breathe.
Today, I don't feel that way.
My mother used to tell me that I shouldn't need to ask for things, that if I were good at things, people would notice. Promotions would come, gifts would be easy, etc. etc. etc. For those of you born under a rock, life does not work that way. So, later in life, people suggested that I ask for what I wanted. That does work better, but to be honest, I have always wanted someone to love me enough, and know me enough, to see what I needed and get it for me.
Someone I've known, my whole life, who says that they love me, has never seen what I need most right now. Today I tried to ask for it. By the end of the conversation I was standing there in tears, desperate to run away from the whole thing.
I've always pretty much taken care of myself, not told people too much about the parts of my life that go beyond suck. Oh, I complain, I bitch, I whine and whimper, but I keep it to the tip of the ice berg. And I do it because... I know that, for the most part, I'm not going to get what I need. I just didn't want to believe it.
Now I know for sure. There are people that like me, people who care about me, even people that love me, but fundamentally, no one is really going to help me out of this
And I feel like I can't breathe.