Long Lost Love...
Bobby Walker
*sigh*
I know that I used to talk in my diary all the time about Bob. We were dear friends from way back in the day... in fact, we've been friends for 11 years now. (Wow!)
He was a huge topic in my diary for a long time and I liked him ridiculous amounts before I left NY and moved to NC, if you recall. I had decided that I wanted to marry him and that I wanted to bottle his scent into a fragrance entitled Just Bob. (Remember Jillian?)
It has been 6 years and 3 months since Bobby and I lived near each other and hung out regularly. But since then, even though we have been far, we have had very many random, chance encounters. The details of which I will now unfold....
The First Talk: May, 2004
Four months after I moved from NY, Bob and I were talking on AIM (remember those days? I seriously used to be an AIMaholic, haha) and we weren't talking about anything in particular at all, when suddenly... he divulged that, as he put it, "when he is at work he thinks about me a lot." He then asked if I had any of that going on at all. I proceeded to tell him that yes, indeed I thought about him very regularly and then I told him that he was my best friend and that moving away from him was one of the very worst parts of the whole ordeal. To which he responded a simple "cool".
One of the things about our relationship that I have always liked is the fact that we have these little "games", if you will. It started way back in the day when we would email a lot. Wii wud spell werds in aukwerd wayz juss to bee weeerd. And there was many hidden "codes", or just ways of remaining ambiguous that was our little way of having moments. It was as if the less we said, the more we said underneath it all... I don't know quite how to explain it, but it was always how we were. (Note: This is now the thing that drives me crazy, because we never say anything out right... it is all vague, blurry, and confusing.)
So after Bobby tells me this, he then asks me if I wanted to be his date to Kyla's wedding... but I sort of freaked out because I didn't really know what all that entailed and I was scared about liking him and being so far away.
When her wedding rolled around, we hardly had any interaction and it made me sad. It was all a giant blur, really. The whole day was a blur.
The Big Reveal: December, 2006
Fast-forward to 2 1/2 years later... I was dating Bryan, but had been thinking about many things in our relationship as we had reached the 2 year mark and things had started to change between us. Bobby and I had stayed friends and still talked pretty frequently.
I out of the blue get this letter from Bobby...
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Subject: better sit for this one, lol.
Body: why is it that i sat through church on sunday and did not hear any of what was being said? Why do i find myself hating some guy that i have never met? what does this all mean? I know the cause, but im not sure of the cause of the cause. I was thinking about you, thinking that being with you would complete me. I know that must sound cheesy but im not concerned with what flavor im writting in. Like i mentioned before, i have not been obsesing over you since you left or anything, but lately my feelings have been shifting. Maybe its because you're with someone now, and as fallen creatures we all want what we can't have. I think its more than that though, i think its because we share the same God, you have a great taste and open mind when it comes to music, you're funny and make me laugh, you know when someone is gross or dumb, we have history; a trait that is impossible to mimic when meeting new people, you're pretty inside and out, you are smart and ambitious, you know about trucks and thats hot too. I could go on with more. I hope you are happy where you are, if you're not, i want you to come back here. lets see what we can create together. I want to take a ride with you to no particular destination or dance in the living room to no particular beats. I'm going to be great and i want someone great to be there with me on the adventure. Know this; if you are not feeling what im feeling please tell me and I assure you that i will completely back off and encourage you in any choice you make. If you do feel like i do, please tell me and we can journey along from there, either way our friendship will not be jeopardized. Maybe coming back right now is not possible and i can understand that, but maybe we can start something. i have no idea whats going on right now, but these thoughts need to be let out. I dont know everything about you, but i want to find out. dont answer this too soon, but do answer it. There, i said it all, and here i nervously sit debating whether to hit -send- or not. if you get this you will know what i chose. let me be your hero.
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It may be worth noting that this could be re-read several times, to pick up on the various ridiculously adorable elements throughout it... I should also note that since this was sent to me, a copy of it has been in my glove box in my car, and I take it out and read it on bad days. (Isn't that shameful?)
My reply is rather lengthy... (surprised? Gretchen, long-winded? Could it be?!?!) But I feel that by reading it, you can also get a pretty good refresher of what our relationship was like.
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Subject: Warning: several frothy girly beverages similar to coffee might be needed to read this.... sorry!!!
Body: Where to start?
I guess I’ll start by saying I was caught 100% off-guard by your message. When I saw the subject I just thought it’d be another funny anecdote about a time you thought I was giving you trash… =)
My stomach/heart/head and every single atomic particle that makes me Gretchen has been a complete wreck these last couple of days… I haven’t slept well in a while, and it’s really late now, so bare with me if I don’t make sense…
I am at a loss for words in how to give any resemblance of a response. How can I tell you everything in my heart & head while also remaining respectful? Please understand that I have no clue how to do both simultaneously… so everything that I say that is disrespectful to him-I am only saying in regard to honesty in dealing with my hearts issues…
So I proceed… scared out of my mind…
The only thing I know to do is tell how it was, because that’s all I do know for certain.
When I met you I thought you were 100% awesome. The ages we were (13 & 17 I believe) were a huge difference at the time. I was very annoying, but you possessed many of the components that still make you Bob today; your individuality, optimistic attitude, laid-back yet ambitious attitude, and overall well roundedness in a plethora of aspects.
Dorky Interlude: I once asked you what your favorite number was at Sardinia, and you responded 140… =) (Random…) I said it had to be a sports number, so you said 40. I made you a keychain out of glow-in-the-dark beads that had #40 on it, but realized it was totally stupid and never gave it to you… End of dorkiness.
When I went to Central Baptist Christian School I used to transfer buses at Pioneer every day… well one day I saw you across the way, but had to catch my bus so I didn’t get to say anything… but it made my day.
When we got reacquainted at Holiday Valley, I was overjoyed to see you again. We began snowboarding, and going to Bible study together… I loved getting to know you again in the setting of Bible study because we all quickly became a tight-knit (think old lady panty-hose) group that would talk about a lot of things that really mattered (though we were often sidetracked!). I loved when you’d bring your guitar… I loved the rides to Bible study… I loved hearing you pray… and I especially loved getting to sit next to you.
Another thing I loved was my emails every day-answering random, silly questions, or hearing about your day (like your self-proclaimed worst ever, when the storm knocked down all those branches and you tore a hole in your blue Quiksilver shirt…). I loved getting to know you more, knowing your birthday was July 6, that if you got stranded on an island you’d take Gwyneth Paltrow, that you thought the name July was the coolest for a boy, and that you’re favorite book was “1984”. You even consulted me about how to paint your room at your Aunt’s house, & I enjoyed that too.
I loved being around you in a group, or 1:1. I distinctly remember almost every moment of our trip to get your bike, especially a.) how excited I was that you asked me to go, and b.) how surprised I was that my dad said yes! We rode for a long time with our ‘traveling buddy’, that white truck marked ‘case’. We talked about the Sabres, snowboarding, and how you wanted to someday have a little girl to protect (which I thought was cute, even though I don’t like girls, nor wanted a daughter…) We listened to everything from “Black History Month” =) to Dixie Chicks, & I loved every minute of it.
I remember riding on the back of your bike to go see the movie “Elf” after 1824 one night, and thinking I was the coolest girl in the world… I remember when we buried ‘Betsy Clouse’ (that ugly doll my Sunday school teacher made me) and the beautiful eulogy we wrote for her… I remember watching “Joe Dirt” and laughing hysterically… I remember crying in the back seat of my parents rental car the whole way from NC back up to NY listening to Tim McGraw’s Greatest Hits CD-knowing that realistically I had to move, leaving my friends and this boy that I had really started to like… I remember watching “The Ring” and being scared, sitting on your bed in your Aunt’s house, watching it on your Ames TV purchased with a Senior Citizen’s Discount… =) I remember hearing Avril’s song “Things I’ll Never Say”, and found it in my head when I was around you… I remember writing about you in my prayer journal, asking God to help me guard my heart because I knew I was starting to like you way too much to be moving (I actually just found that again a month ago…)… I remember Kyla & Rachel telling me that if you liked me you’d come down to NC after me after a while, and would play that song “I Can’t Be You’re Friend Anymore”… I remember going to your family party-I was honored to go… I remember everyone referring to me as ‘Bobby’s girlfriend’… I remember us laughing at your family singing karaoke, and to this day I still can’t hear “Uptown Girl” the same way… And I remember the last time that I saw you in NY… we hugged goodbye and I cried and prayed the whole way back to my house…
So where does that leave me now?
To be honest? I have no good answer. But I do know that I dream about you a lot, very randomly. And I do know that my ‘current situation’, as we may call it, has been under evaluation for several months now. I don’t know what to do, say, think, or feel… So I don’t think this message will help any… and I do feel that by sharing my heart this much is probably disrespectful to my current situation (I’m using horrible words here… but I think you know what I mean…). But as I said before, I don’t think I could be honest and yet totally respectful simultaneously.
I’m basically just a mess. I’ve been having doubts for quite some time now, and many big decisions are needed to be made soon… such as… where am I attending school in the fall?!?!
Sorry that I have rambled, probably said too much, and didn’t really give you any type of answer… But I’m praying a lot right now about a lot of things, and I am trying to rest assured in the fact that God’s will for my life will come about-no matter what type of painful decisions I may have to make soon. This weighs heavy on my heart, and I want you to know that I am definitely praying…
In closing to officially the Longest MySpace Message Ever, I have a few more things to say… (Shocked, aren’t you?) =).
I’ll start by saying that that was a combination of the sweetest/most ballsy thing ever… =) Thank you, I am very complimented by it. I apologize again that I’m not in a good position to give any answer. You were my best friend in NY, and I still consider you very near and dear to my heart. I want you to also know that I’ve enjoyed every ounce of friendship that we have had… you make me laugh more than anyone, and I love that…
If I can clarify anything, let me know… for like I said earlier, I am a wreck… Ha I guess technically I haven’t slept since last year, and seeing how its 5:49 AM, this probably will be a bit of a stew. But I have probably already said to much, and so here goes nothing…. Or everything, however you want to look at it…
Happy New Year, Bob….… by the way. =)
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So that was that. I was in a relationship with Bryan, so I couldn't necessarily drop things and go running (trust me, I wish I could have!) and so it sort of had to come to a slight stand still at that point.
Bobby's response to this was pretty much him asking if I still had that keychain I made him, and he told me that he was glad I remembered all of those details because he is bad at remembering things. (Which he isn't, by the way. He's a genius. While others go out trying to get an internship while in college, Bobby sat back and took bids on himself. He had companies offering him various perks and packages to intern with them. Who does that? Seriously. He's a genius.)
Encoded Sweetness: A few weeks after The Big Reveal..
The next contact we had was a few weeks later. Remember how I told you about all of our trick language and codes and whatnot? :) He sends me a message and all it reads is:
Beatles. One. Track 4.
The Beatles CD entitled "One", track 4 is the song "I Wanna Hold Your Hand". :)
I was swooning at this point, I just thought that was the sweetest thing. I have often said that I get more out of a hand hold than most get out of sex, which sounds funny but I am pretty serious about. I feel that anyone can have sex. It is something that is meant to be generally pleasing to both parties and it is passionate and you can get caught up in the moment of it all... kissing is similar. It's the hot and heavy, the raging hormones, etc. But to hold someone's hand, you have to actually like them. You must enjoy their company. It's like sealing the deal that you love simply being with them.
I broke up with Bryan a few months later... but after I did, I didn't know what proper protocol would be. I couldn't very well just call Bob up and say "Dude, I'm single. Let's do this!" So I really did nothing, which in retrospect, was a pretty dumb decision on my part.
One Year Later: New Years, 2007
The next time I saw Bobby, I had gone up to Buffalo for Christmas/New Years with Kyla, Aaron and Tydan. We stayed with Bobby our first night in town, and we built a ginormous snowman named Frederick. Kyla and the gang then went and stayed with Aaron's family, while I stayed another day with Bobby.
We went to see the movie "Across the Universe" together, both being Beatles fans, but we weren't sure what to think going into it. (Note: it has become one of my all-time favorite movies, and is one of the two movies I bought on the day of its release...) Shortly into the film, they began singing "I Wanna Hold Your Hand" and it seemed as if there was no one else in the theatre and I felt like the air was too thick to breathe normally. Nothing happened, but it was a moment.
(Note: Which is another thing with Bobby and I, you will see. We have nothing concrete to go on, except for the fact that we were exceptionally good friends.... we have a string of moments, clumsily put together. And timing has never been our thing, I feel we are always in the right place at the wrong time...)
We always have a bit of a sing-a-long, where he plays his guitar and we sang, and that was enjoyable as always. After that we went snowboarding together, for old time's sake, with Kyla and Aaron.
We decided to meet up before going to Rachel's New Years Eve party and we went to the mall and to Starbucks... then we went to the party. Bobby brought his guitar and we sang some more, he played with Tydan and I, he kept taking my hat and laughing at my hat hair, and then we proceeded to make a very tiny snowman and eat it--after which we discovered the place we got the snow was where Rachel's dogs went to the bathroom..... disgusting, but funny.
Summertime: July, 2008
The last time I went to Buffalo (*tears*) was in the Summer of '08, and once again I stayed with Bobby. I spent the one day on the back of his bike, and we rode to the beach to meet up with his sister Kelly and his two nieces. We played with them for quite a while before going to watch the Sabres game. On Sunday I went to church with his parents, and then went to their house that afternoon. We all took a walk together, toured Mrs. Walker's VBS class, and had a lovely time. Kelly asked me what there was between us at one point on the walk when I had his neice Aiyla on my shoulders and I told her that I wasn't sure but that he was my best friend.
We went to Six Flags theme park with Kyla, Aaron, and a bunch of Aaron's extended family. We went to Donna and Jay's house to watch a movie that Bobby and I picked out which was a terrible film "Love Me if you Dare" in which it ends with them entombing themselves in concrete... :) We went to the driving range, and out for ice cream. And then we met up for the tail end of fireworks on July 4th...
Txt: August, 2009
Right before I moved out to California, I got a txt from Bob that contained the lyrics to Blink 182's song "I Miss You". Bobby and I were obsessed with that whole album from the time it came out, and played it incessantly before I moved to NC....
Bobby sent me a txt that said
"And as I stared I counted the webs from all the spiders.
catching things and eating their insides... like indecision to call you
and hear your voice of treason. Will you come home and stop this pain tonight,
Stop this pain tonight..."
And that is where he ended it--right before it says "I miss you"....
California Encounter: March, 2010
He came to LA a few weeks ago... we met up at Malibu Beach with his friend Jason and Adam, and Adam's girlfriend Emily. We started off just laying on towels enjoying the sun and talking, which was really nice.
(Goofy Interlude: At one point Bobby was digging out a seat for himself in the sand and I said "I like your butt hole" without even thinking.... LOL He responded with "Thank you, no one has ever complimented it before". I'm ridiculous.)
We walked along the beach, looked for creatures, and then were in an independent film for a film student (no joke!). After that, Bobby's friends left and we decided to stay for a while longer. We walked to the pier and joked about Bobby becoming a photographer for puzzles, because he said he always saw good pictures that could be made into puzzles. Then we got into my car and listened to a bunch of music on this awesome playlist I had made, and it was fun times like the good old days and it was reassuring to me because we have always had very similar taste in music, and that had not changed. Then we decided to drive up into the hills of Malibu and look at crazy houses and gorgeous views. After that we went to get something to eat and decided to go to the Groves Mall in LA which is allegedly where all the stars shop. Bobby had a jacket and then his shorts that he had worn at the beach, so he was getting kind of chilly.
I had a pair of tear-away pants in my trunk and he proceeded to wear them... LOL. We went to see "Alice in Wonderland" and it was awesome. Then we were standing outside of the theatre in front of this fountain, and as soon as I took our picture with it--the fountain lights turned out. We then talked about timing, and being in the right place at the right time, or the wrong place at the right time, or the right place at the wrong time....
After that we left to drop him off in Glendale, and got stuck in fieresome traffic (I HATE LA!). In the car we had a few more of those ambiguous *moments* that we always have.
~at one point we were talking about sleeping, and we both agreed that we like the room to be cool, with a good amount of covers/pillows, and had to have a fan on... but it was awkward cuz we kinda just kept finishing each others sentences about it and then after we stopped talking it just got really quiet.
~Taylor Swift's song "Stay Beautiful" has always reminded me of Bobby. I feel that the words were written for us, and I literally sing it in my car all the time but replacing the name Corey with Bobby...
(Bobby finds another way to be the highlight of my day
i'm taking pictures in my mind so i can save them for a rainy day
it's hard to make conversation when he's taking my breathe away
i should say, hey by the way...
if you and i are a story that never gets told
if what you are is a daydream i'll never get to hold,
at least you'll know
you're beautiful
every little piece, love, don't you know
you're really gonna be someone, ask anyone
when you find everything you've looked for
i hope your life leads you back to my front door
oh but if it don't, stay beautiful.)
I always told my sister Danielle that if I ever grew some gonads I would sing that song to Bobby, and we were in the car and it came on and I turned it up and sang along. He just sat quietly looking at me, and at the end of the song he just sort of nodded and we didn't say anything for a while... and that is another thing. He always does this slow nod thing after these tangled moments we have, as if to assure me and confuse me simultaneously that he felt it too.
~Bobby was asking me what my future plans are and I laid them out and he said "Oh, so about 2 years and you'll be done...." and then compared it to where he thought he would be in 2 years. It was as if he was seeing where we both would be in relation to each other.
~Bobby was choosing songs off my iPod and chose "You Belong With Me", "Almost Lover", and then "Whiskey Lullaby" which have the theme of being with someone, or wanting to be with someone, and then--tragically, dying and having loved them your whole life.
A Nervous Piece of Mail: April 1, 2010
So where does this all leave me? I know I have been rambling on for quite some time at this point... but seriously.
Every guy that I have been with I feel guilty because I compare them to Bob, and my ideas of Bob, and my friendship with Bob, and the character traits of Bob, and everyone falls short.... Every guy that I have been with I silently compare to him and I always think that I would leave any one of them for a real chance to be with Bobby Walker. (I'm terrible.)
I get bored with guys. They bore me. After a while, they just can't hold my interest. It's terrible. I feel this makes me a bad person. I require a lot of stimulation. It's sad, but it's true. But somehow, Bobby Walker is the exception to that rule.
I adore him because he makes me feel comfortable with him, yet he is the only guy that can keep me on my toes.
That is important for me! I want to feel that I have someone by my side along for life's adventure, and Bobby is a true adventurer.
I dream about him all the time. Sometimes I haven't talked to him a few months and yet he is in my dreams. It has been this way for the past 8 years. He's just there. I'm used to it.
He makes me want to be the very best version of myself. I really enjoy that.
He stimulates me on many levels. I can talk about something intellectual, and he is spot on. I can talk to him about books, and he enjoys reading too. I can talk to him about something really dumb, like how they get the lead in pencils--and he would not only listen, but he would give it thought and then give his opinion. All my randomness he handles like a pro. He takes what I give him, it doesn't matter what level its on, and he just runs with it.
It's lovely when we talk, but even silence with him is lovely.
I feel that since I've felt this way about him for soooo long and haven't had a real chance to be able to even take a whack at a relationship with him that something here needs to give. I can't enter a relationship with anyone else until this has been explored, or maybe even the door to this has been closed. I feel that if I don't I will spend forever thinking of what it might have been like if I had been with Bobby.
I don't want that.
So I decided to do something kind of ballsy.
At some point I found a card that had a picture of 2 goldfish bowls on the front of it. The one goldfish is jumping out of his bowl and into the other fishy's bowl, and the inside of the card it merely says we belong together.
I bought it. It had Bobby and I written all over it. And the only thing I kept thinking was that if I ever got up the gonads, I would mail it to him.
Well, friends, I decided to mail it to him today. I wanted to tell him that everything he wrote to me in that beautiful and endearing letter I meant back to him... and I could think of no better way of doing that then sending him his own words. So that's what I did. I printed off his letter, and I inserted it in my goldfish card. I didn't write anything. I didn't sign my name. Hell, I didn't even put a return address.
He will obviously know its from me because it is the letter he wrote to me... and it will have a San Diego postmark on it... but that is all.
I have no idea if he will say anything in response to it. I have no idea if he will even acknowledge it.
But I figured I didn't have anything to lose, because either I'm exactly where I am now--with all these feelings and left with a tangle of "moments", or I will have resolution on some level.
I can't tell you how nervous I was to mail it.... I have never approached a mailbox so cautiously....
And now--I wait.
~Gretchen
Below are some pictures of Bobby and I.....
7 years ago... Bobby and I went to get his bike!
Bobby & I with "Fredrick"
Paparazzi shot Kyla took of Bobby and I at the mall....
Bobby & I are far right.......
Bobby serenading Tydan and I....
Bobby and I a few weeks ago in LA....
And here it is: the most nervous letter of my life. :)
"If you could see that I'm the one who understands you,
Been here all along, so why can't you see?
You belong with me.....
And I know your favorite songs, and you tell me about your dreams,
Think I know where you belong, think I know it's with me..."
("You Belong With Me" --Taylor Swift)
"If you'd just realize what I just realized
then we'd be perfect for each other and we'd never find another,
If you'd just realize what I just realized,
we'd never have to wonder if we missed out on each other..."
("Realize" --Colbie Cailet
*sigh*
I know that I used to talk in my diary all the time about Bob. We were dear friends from way back in the day... in fact, we've been friends for 11 years now. (Wow!)
He was a huge topic in my diary for a long time and I liked him ridiculous amounts before I left NY and moved to NC, if you recall. I had decided that I wanted to marry him and that I wanted to bottle his scent into a fragrance entitled Just Bob. (Remember Jillian?)
It has been 6 years and 3 months since Bobby and I lived near each other and hung out regularly. But since then, even though we have been far, we have had very many random, chance encounters. The details of which I will now unfold....
The First Talk: May, 2004
Four months after I moved from NY, Bob and I were talking on AIM (remember those days? I seriously used to be an AIMaholic, haha) and we weren't talking about anything in particular at all, when suddenly... he divulged that, as he put it, "when he is at work he thinks about me a lot." He then asked if I had any of that going on at all. I proceeded to tell him that yes, indeed I thought about him very regularly and then I told him that he was my best friend and that moving away from him was one of the very worst parts of the whole ordeal. To which he responded a simple "cool".
One of the things about our relationship that I have always liked is the fact that we have these little "games", if you will. It started way back in the day when we would email a lot. Wii wud spell werds in aukwerd wayz juss to bee weeerd. And there was many hidden "codes", or just ways of remaining ambiguous that was our little way of having moments. It was as if the less we said, the more we said underneath it all... I don't know quite how to explain it, but it was always how we were. (Note: This is now the thing that drives me crazy, because we never say anything out right... it is all vague, blurry, and confusing.)
So after Bobby tells me this, he then asks me if I wanted to be his date to Kyla's wedding... but I sort of freaked out because I didn't really know what all that entailed and I was scared about liking him and being so far away.
When her wedding rolled around, we hardly had any interaction and it made me sad. It was all a giant blur, really. The whole day was a blur.
The Big Reveal: December, 2006
Fast-forward to 2 1/2 years later... I was dating Bryan, but had been thinking about many things in our relationship as we had reached the 2 year mark and things had started to change between us. Bobby and I had stayed friends and still talked pretty frequently.
I out of the blue get this letter from Bobby...
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Subject: better sit for this one, lol.
Body: why is it that i sat through church on sunday and did not hear any of what was being said? Why do i find myself hating some guy that i have never met? what does this all mean? I know the cause, but im not sure of the cause of the cause. I was thinking about you, thinking that being with you would complete me. I know that must sound cheesy but im not concerned with what flavor im writting in. Like i mentioned before, i have not been obsesing over you since you left or anything, but lately my feelings have been shifting. Maybe its because you're with someone now, and as fallen creatures we all want what we can't have. I think its more than that though, i think its because we share the same God, you have a great taste and open mind when it comes to music, you're funny and make me laugh, you know when someone is gross or dumb, we have history; a trait that is impossible to mimic when meeting new people, you're pretty inside and out, you are smart and ambitious, you know about trucks and thats hot too. I could go on with more. I hope you are happy where you are, if you're not, i want you to come back here. lets see what we can create together. I want to take a ride with you to no particular destination or dance in the living room to no particular beats. I'm going to be great and i want someone great to be there with me on the adventure. Know this; if you are not feeling what im feeling please tell me and I assure you that i will completely back off and encourage you in any choice you make. If you do feel like i do, please tell me and we can journey along from there, either way our friendship will not be jeopardized. Maybe coming back right now is not possible and i can understand that, but maybe we can start something. i have no idea whats going on right now, but these thoughts need to be let out. I dont know everything about you, but i want to find out. dont answer this too soon, but do answer it. There, i said it all, and here i nervously sit debating whether to hit -send- or not. if you get this you will know what i chose. let me be your hero.
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It may be worth noting that this could be re-read several times, to pick up on the various ridiculously adorable elements throughout it... I should also note that since this was sent to me, a copy of it has been in my glove box in my car, and I take it out and read it on bad days. (Isn't that shameful?)
My reply is rather lengthy... (surprised? Gretchen, long-winded? Could it be?!?!) But I feel that by reading it, you can also get a pretty good refresher of what our relationship was like.
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Subject: Warning: several frothy girly beverages similar to coffee might be needed to read this.... sorry!!!
Body: Where to start?
I guess I’ll start by saying I was caught 100% off-guard by your message. When I saw the subject I just thought it’d be another funny anecdote about a time you thought I was giving you trash… =)
My stomach/heart/head and every single atomic particle that makes me Gretchen has been a complete wreck these last couple of days… I haven’t slept well in a while, and it’s really late now, so bare with me if I don’t make sense…
I am at a loss for words in how to give any resemblance of a response. How can I tell you everything in my heart & head while also remaining respectful? Please understand that I have no clue how to do both simultaneously… so everything that I say that is disrespectful to him-I am only saying in regard to honesty in dealing with my hearts issues…
So I proceed… scared out of my mind…
The only thing I know to do is tell how it was, because that’s all I do know for certain.
When I met you I thought you were 100% awesome. The ages we were (13 & 17 I believe) were a huge difference at the time. I was very annoying, but you possessed many of the components that still make you Bob today; your individuality, optimistic attitude, laid-back yet ambitious attitude, and overall well roundedness in a plethora of aspects.
Dorky Interlude: I once asked you what your favorite number was at Sardinia, and you responded 140… =) (Random…) I said it had to be a sports number, so you said 40. I made you a keychain out of glow-in-the-dark beads that had #40 on it, but realized it was totally stupid and never gave it to you… End of dorkiness.
When I went to Central Baptist Christian School I used to transfer buses at Pioneer every day… well one day I saw you across the way, but had to catch my bus so I didn’t get to say anything… but it made my day.
When we got reacquainted at Holiday Valley, I was overjoyed to see you again. We began snowboarding, and going to Bible study together… I loved getting to know you again in the setting of Bible study because we all quickly became a tight-knit (think old lady panty-hose) group that would talk about a lot of things that really mattered (though we were often sidetracked!). I loved when you’d bring your guitar… I loved the rides to Bible study… I loved hearing you pray… and I especially loved getting to sit next to you.
Another thing I loved was my emails every day-answering random, silly questions, or hearing about your day (like your self-proclaimed worst ever, when the storm knocked down all those branches and you tore a hole in your blue Quiksilver shirt…). I loved getting to know you more, knowing your birthday was July 6, that if you got stranded on an island you’d take Gwyneth Paltrow, that you thought the name July was the coolest for a boy, and that you’re favorite book was “1984”. You even consulted me about how to paint your room at your Aunt’s house, & I enjoyed that too.
I loved being around you in a group, or 1:1. I distinctly remember almost every moment of our trip to get your bike, especially a.) how excited I was that you asked me to go, and b.) how surprised I was that my dad said yes! We rode for a long time with our ‘traveling buddy’, that white truck marked ‘case’. We talked about the Sabres, snowboarding, and how you wanted to someday have a little girl to protect (which I thought was cute, even though I don’t like girls, nor wanted a daughter…) We listened to everything from “Black History Month” =) to Dixie Chicks, & I loved every minute of it.
I remember riding on the back of your bike to go see the movie “Elf” after 1824 one night, and thinking I was the coolest girl in the world… I remember when we buried ‘Betsy Clouse’ (that ugly doll my Sunday school teacher made me) and the beautiful eulogy we wrote for her… I remember watching “Joe Dirt” and laughing hysterically… I remember crying in the back seat of my parents rental car the whole way from NC back up to NY listening to Tim McGraw’s Greatest Hits CD-knowing that realistically I had to move, leaving my friends and this boy that I had really started to like… I remember watching “The Ring” and being scared, sitting on your bed in your Aunt’s house, watching it on your Ames TV purchased with a Senior Citizen’s Discount… =) I remember hearing Avril’s song “Things I’ll Never Say”, and found it in my head when I was around you… I remember writing about you in my prayer journal, asking God to help me guard my heart because I knew I was starting to like you way too much to be moving (I actually just found that again a month ago…)… I remember Kyla & Rachel telling me that if you liked me you’d come down to NC after me after a while, and would play that song “I Can’t Be You’re Friend Anymore”… I remember going to your family party-I was honored to go… I remember everyone referring to me as ‘Bobby’s girlfriend’… I remember us laughing at your family singing karaoke, and to this day I still can’t hear “Uptown Girl” the same way… And I remember the last time that I saw you in NY… we hugged goodbye and I cried and prayed the whole way back to my house…
So where does that leave me now?
To be honest? I have no good answer. But I do know that I dream about you a lot, very randomly. And I do know that my ‘current situation’, as we may call it, has been under evaluation for several months now. I don’t know what to do, say, think, or feel… So I don’t think this message will help any… and I do feel that by sharing my heart this much is probably disrespectful to my current situation (I’m using horrible words here… but I think you know what I mean…). But as I said before, I don’t think I could be honest and yet totally respectful simultaneously.
I’m basically just a mess. I’ve been having doubts for quite some time now, and many big decisions are needed to be made soon… such as… where am I attending school in the fall?!?!
Sorry that I have rambled, probably said too much, and didn’t really give you any type of answer… But I’m praying a lot right now about a lot of things, and I am trying to rest assured in the fact that God’s will for my life will come about-no matter what type of painful decisions I may have to make soon. This weighs heavy on my heart, and I want you to know that I am definitely praying…
In closing to officially the Longest MySpace Message Ever, I have a few more things to say… (Shocked, aren’t you?) =).
I’ll start by saying that that was a combination of the sweetest/most ballsy thing ever… =) Thank you, I am very complimented by it. I apologize again that I’m not in a good position to give any answer. You were my best friend in NY, and I still consider you very near and dear to my heart. I want you to also know that I’ve enjoyed every ounce of friendship that we have had… you make me laugh more than anyone, and I love that…
If I can clarify anything, let me know… for like I said earlier, I am a wreck… Ha I guess technically I haven’t slept since last year, and seeing how its 5:49 AM, this probably will be a bit of a stew. But I have probably already said to much, and so here goes nothing…. Or everything, however you want to look at it…
Happy New Year, Bob….… by the way. =)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
So that was that. I was in a relationship with Bryan, so I couldn't necessarily drop things and go running (trust me, I wish I could have!) and so it sort of had to come to a slight stand still at that point.
Bobby's response to this was pretty much him asking if I still had that keychain I made him, and he told me that he was glad I remembered all of those details because he is bad at remembering things. (Which he isn't, by the way. He's a genius. While others go out trying to get an internship while in college, Bobby sat back and took bids on himself. He had companies offering him various perks and packages to intern with them. Who does that? Seriously. He's a genius.)
Encoded Sweetness: A few weeks after The Big Reveal..
The next contact we had was a few weeks later. Remember how I told you about all of our trick language and codes and whatnot? :) He sends me a message and all it reads is:
Beatles. One. Track 4.
The Beatles CD entitled "One", track 4 is the song "I Wanna Hold Your Hand". :)
I was swooning at this point, I just thought that was the sweetest thing. I have often said that I get more out of a hand hold than most get out of sex, which sounds funny but I am pretty serious about. I feel that anyone can have sex. It is something that is meant to be generally pleasing to both parties and it is passionate and you can get caught up in the moment of it all... kissing is similar. It's the hot and heavy, the raging hormones, etc. But to hold someone's hand, you have to actually like them. You must enjoy their company. It's like sealing the deal that you love simply being with them.
I broke up with Bryan a few months later... but after I did, I didn't know what proper protocol would be. I couldn't very well just call Bob up and say "Dude, I'm single. Let's do this!" So I really did nothing, which in retrospect, was a pretty dumb decision on my part.
One Year Later: New Years, 2007
The next time I saw Bobby, I had gone up to Buffalo for Christmas/New Years with Kyla, Aaron and Tydan. We stayed with Bobby our first night in town, and we built a ginormous snowman named Frederick. Kyla and the gang then went and stayed with Aaron's family, while I stayed another day with Bobby.
We went to see the movie "Across the Universe" together, both being Beatles fans, but we weren't sure what to think going into it. (Note: it has become one of my all-time favorite movies, and is one of the two movies I bought on the day of its release...) Shortly into the film, they began singing "I Wanna Hold Your Hand" and it seemed as if there was no one else in the theatre and I felt like the air was too thick to breathe normally. Nothing happened, but it was a moment.
(Note: Which is another thing with Bobby and I, you will see. We have nothing concrete to go on, except for the fact that we were exceptionally good friends.... we have a string of moments, clumsily put together. And timing has never been our thing, I feel we are always in the right place at the wrong time...)
We always have a bit of a sing-a-long, where he plays his guitar and we sang, and that was enjoyable as always. After that we went snowboarding together, for old time's sake, with Kyla and Aaron.
We decided to meet up before going to Rachel's New Years Eve party and we went to the mall and to Starbucks... then we went to the party. Bobby brought his guitar and we sang some more, he played with Tydan and I, he kept taking my hat and laughing at my hat hair, and then we proceeded to make a very tiny snowman and eat it--after which we discovered the place we got the snow was where Rachel's dogs went to the bathroom..... disgusting, but funny.
Summertime: July, 2008
The last time I went to Buffalo (*tears*) was in the Summer of '08, and once again I stayed with Bobby. I spent the one day on the back of his bike, and we rode to the beach to meet up with his sister Kelly and his two nieces. We played with them for quite a while before going to watch the Sabres game. On Sunday I went to church with his parents, and then went to their house that afternoon. We all took a walk together, toured Mrs. Walker's VBS class, and had a lovely time. Kelly asked me what there was between us at one point on the walk when I had his neice Aiyla on my shoulders and I told her that I wasn't sure but that he was my best friend.
We went to Six Flags theme park with Kyla, Aaron, and a bunch of Aaron's extended family. We went to Donna and Jay's house to watch a movie that Bobby and I picked out which was a terrible film "Love Me if you Dare" in which it ends with them entombing themselves in concrete... :) We went to the driving range, and out for ice cream. And then we met up for the tail end of fireworks on July 4th...
Txt: August, 2009
Right before I moved out to California, I got a txt from Bob that contained the lyrics to Blink 182's song "I Miss You". Bobby and I were obsessed with that whole album from the time it came out, and played it incessantly before I moved to NC....
Bobby sent me a txt that said
"And as I stared I counted the webs from all the spiders.
catching things and eating their insides... like indecision to call you
and hear your voice of treason. Will you come home and stop this pain tonight,
Stop this pain tonight..."
And that is where he ended it--right before it says "I miss you"....
California Encounter: March, 2010
He came to LA a few weeks ago... we met up at Malibu Beach with his friend Jason and Adam, and Adam's girlfriend Emily. We started off just laying on towels enjoying the sun and talking, which was really nice.
(Goofy Interlude: At one point Bobby was digging out a seat for himself in the sand and I said "I like your butt hole" without even thinking.... LOL He responded with "Thank you, no one has ever complimented it before". I'm ridiculous.)
We walked along the beach, looked for creatures, and then were in an independent film for a film student (no joke!). After that, Bobby's friends left and we decided to stay for a while longer. We walked to the pier and joked about Bobby becoming a photographer for puzzles, because he said he always saw good pictures that could be made into puzzles. Then we got into my car and listened to a bunch of music on this awesome playlist I had made, and it was fun times like the good old days and it was reassuring to me because we have always had very similar taste in music, and that had not changed. Then we decided to drive up into the hills of Malibu and look at crazy houses and gorgeous views. After that we went to get something to eat and decided to go to the Groves Mall in LA which is allegedly where all the stars shop. Bobby had a jacket and then his shorts that he had worn at the beach, so he was getting kind of chilly.
I had a pair of tear-away pants in my trunk and he proceeded to wear them... LOL. We went to see "Alice in Wonderland" and it was awesome. Then we were standing outside of the theatre in front of this fountain, and as soon as I took our picture with it--the fountain lights turned out. We then talked about timing, and being in the right place at the right time, or the wrong place at the right time, or the right place at the wrong time....
After that we left to drop him off in Glendale, and got stuck in fieresome traffic (I HATE LA!). In the car we had a few more of those ambiguous *moments* that we always have.
~at one point we were talking about sleeping, and we both agreed that we like the room to be cool, with a good amount of covers/pillows, and had to have a fan on... but it was awkward cuz we kinda just kept finishing each others sentences about it and then after we stopped talking it just got really quiet.
~Taylor Swift's song "Stay Beautiful" has always reminded me of Bobby. I feel that the words were written for us, and I literally sing it in my car all the time but replacing the name Corey with Bobby...
(Bobby finds another way to be the highlight of my day
i'm taking pictures in my mind so i can save them for a rainy day
it's hard to make conversation when he's taking my breathe away
i should say, hey by the way...
if you and i are a story that never gets told
if what you are is a daydream i'll never get to hold,
at least you'll know
you're beautiful
every little piece, love, don't you know
you're really gonna be someone, ask anyone
when you find everything you've looked for
i hope your life leads you back to my front door
oh but if it don't, stay beautiful.)
I always told my sister Danielle that if I ever grew some gonads I would sing that song to Bobby, and we were in the car and it came on and I turned it up and sang along. He just sat quietly looking at me, and at the end of the song he just sort of nodded and we didn't say anything for a while... and that is another thing. He always does this slow nod thing after these tangled moments we have, as if to assure me and confuse me simultaneously that he felt it too.
~Bobby was asking me what my future plans are and I laid them out and he said "Oh, so about 2 years and you'll be done...." and then compared it to where he thought he would be in 2 years. It was as if he was seeing where we both would be in relation to each other.
~Bobby was choosing songs off my iPod and chose "You Belong With Me", "Almost Lover", and then "Whiskey Lullaby" which have the theme of being with someone, or wanting to be with someone, and then--tragically, dying and having loved them your whole life.
A Nervous Piece of Mail: April 1, 2010
So where does this all leave me? I know I have been rambling on for quite some time at this point... but seriously.
Every guy that I have been with I feel guilty because I compare them to Bob, and my ideas of Bob, and my friendship with Bob, and the character traits of Bob, and everyone falls short.... Every guy that I have been with I silently compare to him and I always think that I would leave any one of them for a real chance to be with Bobby Walker. (I'm terrible.)
I get bored with guys. They bore me. After a while, they just can't hold my interest. It's terrible. I feel this makes me a bad person. I require a lot of stimulation. It's sad, but it's true. But somehow, Bobby Walker is the exception to that rule.
I adore him because he makes me feel comfortable with him, yet he is the only guy that can keep me on my toes.
That is important for me! I want to feel that I have someone by my side along for life's adventure, and Bobby is a true adventurer.
I dream about him all the time. Sometimes I haven't talked to him a few months and yet he is in my dreams. It has been this way for the past 8 years. He's just there. I'm used to it.
He makes me want to be the very best version of myself. I really enjoy that.
He stimulates me on many levels. I can talk about something intellectual, and he is spot on. I can talk to him about books, and he enjoys reading too. I can talk to him about something really dumb, like how they get the lead in pencils--and he would not only listen, but he would give it thought and then give his opinion. All my randomness he handles like a pro. He takes what I give him, it doesn't matter what level its on, and he just runs with it.
It's lovely when we talk, but even silence with him is lovely.
I feel that since I've felt this way about him for soooo long and haven't had a real chance to be able to even take a whack at a relationship with him that something here needs to give. I can't enter a relationship with anyone else until this has been explored, or maybe even the door to this has been closed. I feel that if I don't I will spend forever thinking of what it might have been like if I had been with Bobby.
I don't want that.
So I decided to do something kind of ballsy.
At some point I found a card that had a picture of 2 goldfish bowls on the front of it. The one goldfish is jumping out of his bowl and into the other fishy's bowl, and the inside of the card it merely says we belong together.
I bought it. It had Bobby and I written all over it. And the only thing I kept thinking was that if I ever got up the gonads, I would mail it to him.
Well, friends, I decided to mail it to him today. I wanted to tell him that everything he wrote to me in that beautiful and endearing letter I meant back to him... and I could think of no better way of doing that then sending him his own words. So that's what I did. I printed off his letter, and I inserted it in my goldfish card. I didn't write anything. I didn't sign my name. Hell, I didn't even put a return address.
He will obviously know its from me because it is the letter he wrote to me... and it will have a San Diego postmark on it... but that is all.
I have no idea if he will say anything in response to it. I have no idea if he will even acknowledge it.
But I figured I didn't have anything to lose, because either I'm exactly where I am now--with all these feelings and left with a tangle of "moments", or I will have resolution on some level.
I can't tell you how nervous I was to mail it.... I have never approached a mailbox so cautiously....
And now--I wait.
~Gretchen
Below are some pictures of Bobby and I.....
7 years ago... Bobby and I went to get his bike!
Bobby & I with "Fredrick"
Paparazzi shot Kyla took of Bobby and I at the mall....
Bobby & I are far right.......
Bobby serenading Tydan and I....
Bobby and I a few weeks ago in LA....
And here it is: the most nervous letter of my life. :)
"If you could see that I'm the one who understands you,
Been here all along, so why can't you see?
You belong with me.....
And I know your favorite songs, and you tell me about your dreams,
Think I know where you belong, think I know it's with me..."
("You Belong With Me" --Taylor Swift)
"If you'd just realize what I just realized
then we'd be perfect for each other and we'd never find another,
If you'd just realize what I just realized,
we'd never have to wonder if we missed out on each other..."
("Realize" --Colbie Cailet