The Daily Breakup
Ok. Self-reflection. Map my thoughts.
I've been viewing myself as falling apart, as a jealous person who can't handle this. In reality I wasn't getting what I wanted, especially when he was with his other folks. I wanted him to be the person I talked through my evacuation feelings or getting laid off or being cheated on when it happened; he wanted to finish his dates and get home first if necessary but didn't really want to be the person I talked to about it at all.
Of course I felt like they were competition, like they were taking something from me when he was with them. In person I was able to make myself believe that his tolerance was just listening and a desire to be there poorly communicated and muffled by the need to make it go away. When he had other people around it was much clearer that he didn't want to devote the priority to listening in that way.
The things I felt were true. That kind of connection didn't persist when he was with other people because I was kind of manufacturing it in my own head.
That's why it went so differently with Josh, when he started up his new relationship with even more time committed. His values around the place of first-emotional-responder, of talking through feelings, informed his actions. He was committed to doing that and it felt good to him to do, it felt like a connection and not like somewhere he was falling short or a duty he had to perform. So he showed up for those things. It breathed through his actions in so many ways. It still does. And so even though I was worried about his new relationship I've settled into it and although I can't see the future I trust him to keep making this kind of space for me -- because he has continued to do so. When I have feedback he listens and can course-correct to a place that will keep us within this connection.
So yes. It makes sense that it became harder after the first and second time Tucker started new relationships. The things I asked for were directly opposed to what he wanted. He did not want space to continue an emotional discussion type connection while he was away.
The only thing wrong with me was that I convinced myself this was something wrong with me, that somehow without having assured myself verbally or through actions that he was on the same page I could still make myself believe he was.
And the thing is, that daily contact I've had with him has been... for me it's the foundation for that other kind of emotional intimacy. The point of daily connections is to enable the emotional sharing and the discussion of daily events; it's to catch those things as they go by. Specifically saying goodnight every night? That's to cap the day. It doesn't exist in isolation for its own sake. I use that to build the trust I need and to make space for the bigger talks.
It feels reassuring because I read it as willingness to talk when something big happens, but it's not. It serves a different purpose for him. No wonder I was having trouble getting to sleep. I was expecting a moment of that kind of connection at night and not quite getting it, not quite ready to settle until the missing thing showed up.
I need to open up that space for its real purpose, for discussion with someone who can let it become bigger when it needs to. That's going to be hard because of the surface reassurance, but I can already feel how hollow it rings.
Normally when there's a breakup or a big relationship change I need a bunch of space from it. I need to dismantle current structures before I can rebuild, otherwise everything leans on the old structure and then collapses when, someday in the future, the old structure finally whimpers down into gravity. Usually that looks like six months to two years of not talking.
But the deck said no motion, just inward consideration, at least at first. So. No motion. I see myself. I am. I exist. I'm ok how I am. I can need and want things. I needn't be constrained by what has been trapping me.
Phew. This is not going to be easy.
I've been viewing myself as falling apart, as a jealous person who can't handle this. In reality I wasn't getting what I wanted, especially when he was with his other folks. I wanted him to be the person I talked through my evacuation feelings or getting laid off or being cheated on when it happened; he wanted to finish his dates and get home first if necessary but didn't really want to be the person I talked to about it at all.
Of course I felt like they were competition, like they were taking something from me when he was with them. In person I was able to make myself believe that his tolerance was just listening and a desire to be there poorly communicated and muffled by the need to make it go away. When he had other people around it was much clearer that he didn't want to devote the priority to listening in that way.
The things I felt were true. That kind of connection didn't persist when he was with other people because I was kind of manufacturing it in my own head.
That's why it went so differently with Josh, when he started up his new relationship with even more time committed. His values around the place of first-emotional-responder, of talking through feelings, informed his actions. He was committed to doing that and it felt good to him to do, it felt like a connection and not like somewhere he was falling short or a duty he had to perform. So he showed up for those things. It breathed through his actions in so many ways. It still does. And so even though I was worried about his new relationship I've settled into it and although I can't see the future I trust him to keep making this kind of space for me -- because he has continued to do so. When I have feedback he listens and can course-correct to a place that will keep us within this connection.
So yes. It makes sense that it became harder after the first and second time Tucker started new relationships. The things I asked for were directly opposed to what he wanted. He did not want space to continue an emotional discussion type connection while he was away.
The only thing wrong with me was that I convinced myself this was something wrong with me, that somehow without having assured myself verbally or through actions that he was on the same page I could still make myself believe he was.
And the thing is, that daily contact I've had with him has been... for me it's the foundation for that other kind of emotional intimacy. The point of daily connections is to enable the emotional sharing and the discussion of daily events; it's to catch those things as they go by. Specifically saying goodnight every night? That's to cap the day. It doesn't exist in isolation for its own sake. I use that to build the trust I need and to make space for the bigger talks.
It feels reassuring because I read it as willingness to talk when something big happens, but it's not. It serves a different purpose for him. No wonder I was having trouble getting to sleep. I was expecting a moment of that kind of connection at night and not quite getting it, not quite ready to settle until the missing thing showed up.
I need to open up that space for its real purpose, for discussion with someone who can let it become bigger when it needs to. That's going to be hard because of the surface reassurance, but I can already feel how hollow it rings.
Normally when there's a breakup or a big relationship change I need a bunch of space from it. I need to dismantle current structures before I can rebuild, otherwise everything leans on the old structure and then collapses when, someday in the future, the old structure finally whimpers down into gravity. Usually that looks like six months to two years of not talking.
But the deck said no motion, just inward consideration, at least at first. So. No motion. I see myself. I am. I exist. I'm ok how I am. I can need and want things. I needn't be constrained by what has been trapping me.
Phew. This is not going to be easy.