Well.
My heart hurts.
Josh and I are deciding whether we will stay together; he wants to be friends, ditch the sex, and keep the rest of intimacy n steady-state, or rather, when he's available. I need a minimum of in-person time to avoid cometing, and am not super happy at the idea of "it'll be hard for me to find a relationship if we keep having sex so let's stop the sex and keep everything else". I'll likely need a year or two off contact to let bitterness subside and hurt heal. Nothing is finalized yet, but there aren't too many options with him down there.
This is probably the most respectful, talked-through breakup I've had.
And in the middle of this I'm thinking about how to handle stuff with Tucker. He came up here and the idea was we'd get to see each other more and spend more time together. However, in the last 2 months we've spent only 3 full days together and assorted after-work evenings, and one of those days was discussing the poly date trip he's on right now. It's been a long time since we've had a relaxed, loving day where no one has to run off to do something. So I'm taking a look a what I need out of a mostly full-time relationship, I'm looking at what I'd be ok with as not full-time, and I'm feeling so. Tired.
I'm tired of second-guessing myself: do I feel distant and lonely because my mind is playing tricks on me, or because I'm not getting what I need out of these relationships? I'm tired of holding boundaries and having folks skate close to the edge and being reasonable about it and bringing it up politely and having it only be noticed when I get visibly upset.
I'm tired of being upset. I'm tired of being the one with a list of possible solutions. I guess I can step back on that role and see what happens.
And I'm tired of breakups, I'm tired of loving people and them passing out of my life, I'm even tired of people being in my life right now. I want to lie down on the first bits of grass and outside sink into the soil. I want nothing to do with humans and I want nothing to do with people who don't know what they want, or who say they want one thing and then aim their life at something quite different.
I have 17 apple trees, 7 plum trees, and a couple apricots to plant this spring. I have some birches and burr oaks to plant around the edges and wild spaces. There is nothing in the world anywhere better than planting a tree. Nothing. I have several dozen haskaps and some sour cherries to put into the ground. I may have piglets soon; I have goslings and will have some more, and maybe some ducklings.
That's where my soul is, in those trees. It isn't with people. Work can be engaging but mostly lately it's just ridiculous, no one at the top can make up their mind so everything gets redone and nothing can be planned; we're a week from the start of field season and no one knows what they're doing. My heart is no longer there.
Josh was the first person I met who really likes plants. He kept them in his dorm at BCIT, and when I woke up the first morning at his house all the plant lights were on timers and came up one after the other in the livingroom, on placed carefully and lovingly over each plant.
That house is sold now. The lights are moved to his next house, in Vancouver.
Oh, self, I am so so sorry. Someday maybe you will be seen again in that place, though never quite the same way.
Josh and I are deciding whether we will stay together; he wants to be friends, ditch the sex, and keep the rest of intimacy n steady-state, or rather, when he's available. I need a minimum of in-person time to avoid cometing, and am not super happy at the idea of "it'll be hard for me to find a relationship if we keep having sex so let's stop the sex and keep everything else". I'll likely need a year or two off contact to let bitterness subside and hurt heal. Nothing is finalized yet, but there aren't too many options with him down there.
This is probably the most respectful, talked-through breakup I've had.
And in the middle of this I'm thinking about how to handle stuff with Tucker. He came up here and the idea was we'd get to see each other more and spend more time together. However, in the last 2 months we've spent only 3 full days together and assorted after-work evenings, and one of those days was discussing the poly date trip he's on right now. It's been a long time since we've had a relaxed, loving day where no one has to run off to do something. So I'm taking a look a what I need out of a mostly full-time relationship, I'm looking at what I'd be ok with as not full-time, and I'm feeling so. Tired.
I'm tired of second-guessing myself: do I feel distant and lonely because my mind is playing tricks on me, or because I'm not getting what I need out of these relationships? I'm tired of holding boundaries and having folks skate close to the edge and being reasonable about it and bringing it up politely and having it only be noticed when I get visibly upset.
I'm tired of being upset. I'm tired of being the one with a list of possible solutions. I guess I can step back on that role and see what happens.
And I'm tired of breakups, I'm tired of loving people and them passing out of my life, I'm even tired of people being in my life right now. I want to lie down on the first bits of grass and outside sink into the soil. I want nothing to do with humans and I want nothing to do with people who don't know what they want, or who say they want one thing and then aim their life at something quite different.
I have 17 apple trees, 7 plum trees, and a couple apricots to plant this spring. I have some birches and burr oaks to plant around the edges and wild spaces. There is nothing in the world anywhere better than planting a tree. Nothing. I have several dozen haskaps and some sour cherries to put into the ground. I may have piglets soon; I have goslings and will have some more, and maybe some ducklings.
That's where my soul is, in those trees. It isn't with people. Work can be engaging but mostly lately it's just ridiculous, no one at the top can make up their mind so everything gets redone and nothing can be planned; we're a week from the start of field season and no one knows what they're doing. My heart is no longer there.
Josh was the first person I met who really likes plants. He kept them in his dorm at BCIT, and when I woke up the first morning at his house all the plant lights were on timers and came up one after the other in the livingroom, on placed carefully and lovingly over each plant.
That house is sold now. The lights are moved to his next house, in Vancouver.
Oh, self, I am so so sorry. Someday maybe you will be seen again in that place, though never quite the same way.