Perspective part two
So I get this call from my EX...
My daughter has been "covering for me" with regards to where I'm "actually living" and who I'm "actually living with."
Whatever!
Sometimes, I think we try to spare the feelings of loved ones by not telling them things that we know they would be hurt by or uncomfortable with. Lies by ommission...
And now I find out from various sources that the ENTIRE fault for the failure of the marriage is MINE.
Pretty cool, huh? To just be able to assign away the blame and guilt and responsibility for 20+ years of your life and point the finger and say it was someone else's fault.
Here's an interesting reality check. I have almost ALWAYS accepted the things that were my fault and taken some kind of responsibility for them (you notice I softened it with 'almost' because using "always" and "never", I feel, usually means you are lying...)
I was talking with a good friend of mine this morning about the accusations by my EX of marital infidelity. And seriously, in one respect, I can understand where my EX is coming from. I believe that his view of marriage was all inclusive. Your friends, time, thoughts, emotions, spirituality, hobbies, moods, sex, activities, etc. should all involve or revolve around your marriage. Let's say I have a hobby that I particularly enjoy--Like Roleplaying. And let's say that I do that particular thing every other Saturday. I do this with a bunch of friends, mostly male friends, and we do initially involve the man I'm married to. Let's say that for whatever reason, my husband's character dies and he takes it all personal and stuff and decides not to play anymore. In his view, I should stop playing, too or we should find another group of people to play with. (One's that will forgive him his stupidity at not being able to socially interact and not being able to handle the death of a piece of paper) Now, under this set of circumstances, by NOT quitting the game, I have committed marital infidelity. I've given my time, my emotions, my hobby to another group of people and refused to change that for the sake of his feelings. (And then he weaves a tale in his mind that I'm sleeping with all of them and that I'm not where I said I would be and that I've lied, etc.)
Let's say that I'm a very charismatic person that has others wanting to follow my spiritual path. I'm asked to provide guidance and fellowship and ceremonies. If I choose to do this as an acting high priestess, I am doing so at the urgings of those who need to find that focus and path. Do I then turn around and ask the husband to be the acting high priest, knowing that some of those who have asked for MY help are not comfortable with him? Or do I hold ceremony alone and give guidance alone and perform the handfastings alone and the funieraries alone, betraying his thoughts of how a "marriage should be."
Let's say that I enjoy doing Renn Faire. I throw myself wholeheartedly into it. I plan and build. I create costumes, for myself, my kids, HIM, others. I am put in a position, through my hard work and efforts, to run a guild or a boothe. And I'm good at it. Let's say that when the entity I'm working for screws me over, I take that boothe and my volunteers to other venues, including HIM in the process but not making HIM the man in charge. I throw myself into the work and make it something truly awesome and something I truly enjoy, something WE used to enjoy together. Now those who have done Renn Faire know that it's a performance. We are an environmental theatre. We are constantly encouraged to be gigging and playing with the customers. And I'm good at that too. What happens when HE stops having a good time and wants to quit because it's not everything he thinks it should be for HIM? Am I expected to quit as well. NO! Well, yes, in HIS eyes. Because I have now been untrue to the marriage. I have shared myself with my work, my hobby, my craft, my friends, etc.
Now, lets talk about physical infidelity...
What am I supposed to do when I repeatedly ask for sex or attention or affection, only to be told that HE cannot give any more and that I should be satisfied with what he can give. How am I supposed to respond when the sex is unsatisfying when it does happen--a few kisses, tweak the nipples once, slide it in, two minutes later it's over--Unless it's the nights when he can't get it up without a blow job and I'm supposed to get off doing that for him when he won't do the same for me...
Oh, yes-ss-s-s-s. The toys do work sometimes. But I'll be damned if they are any substitute for a warm human body.
Now let's get into the reality of alll of this.
I slept around. Big deal. The guys and gals I slept with were not the ones he thinks they were or even the ones he's screaming "marital infidelity" about. Those individuals were just tools to satisfy my physical cravings. No emotional connection. No running off to meet them on the sly. Hell, HE never even knew when I was gone to them. There is only one with whom I crossed that line and made if personal and could have actually left my husband for. And HE didn't even have an inkling until that man was already out of my life and far away...
Did my EX really want to know? I gotta say, I seriously doubt it. We always had the policy that if you really wanted to know, all you had to do was ask. I asked. I knew about the girl at the college. I knew about the girl in Hawaii. I knew about the girl at the Renn Faire. With the exception of the last one, they were all just for physical gratification as well. What a hypocrite I would have been to begrudge him that.
If he has true issues, which I guess he does by the relayed conversations he's having with my friends and associates, then I believe he needs to deal with what those issues are. If there was infidelity to the marriage, then it was of a non-physical nature. And that should have been the heads up for him to try a little harder or to give just a little more or to communicate the true feelings he had surrounding said "infidelity." And not taking credit or responsibility for actions does not equate to being able to claim you are not at fault...
My daughter has been "covering for me" with regards to where I'm "actually living" and who I'm "actually living with."
Whatever!
Sometimes, I think we try to spare the feelings of loved ones by not telling them things that we know they would be hurt by or uncomfortable with. Lies by ommission...
And now I find out from various sources that the ENTIRE fault for the failure of the marriage is MINE.
Pretty cool, huh? To just be able to assign away the blame and guilt and responsibility for 20+ years of your life and point the finger and say it was someone else's fault.
Here's an interesting reality check. I have almost ALWAYS accepted the things that were my fault and taken some kind of responsibility for them (you notice I softened it with 'almost' because using "always" and "never", I feel, usually means you are lying...)
I was talking with a good friend of mine this morning about the accusations by my EX of marital infidelity. And seriously, in one respect, I can understand where my EX is coming from. I believe that his view of marriage was all inclusive. Your friends, time, thoughts, emotions, spirituality, hobbies, moods, sex, activities, etc. should all involve or revolve around your marriage. Let's say I have a hobby that I particularly enjoy--Like Roleplaying. And let's say that I do that particular thing every other Saturday. I do this with a bunch of friends, mostly male friends, and we do initially involve the man I'm married to. Let's say that for whatever reason, my husband's character dies and he takes it all personal and stuff and decides not to play anymore. In his view, I should stop playing, too or we should find another group of people to play with. (One's that will forgive him his stupidity at not being able to socially interact and not being able to handle the death of a piece of paper) Now, under this set of circumstances, by NOT quitting the game, I have committed marital infidelity. I've given my time, my emotions, my hobby to another group of people and refused to change that for the sake of his feelings. (And then he weaves a tale in his mind that I'm sleeping with all of them and that I'm not where I said I would be and that I've lied, etc.)
Let's say that I'm a very charismatic person that has others wanting to follow my spiritual path. I'm asked to provide guidance and fellowship and ceremonies. If I choose to do this as an acting high priestess, I am doing so at the urgings of those who need to find that focus and path. Do I then turn around and ask the husband to be the acting high priest, knowing that some of those who have asked for MY help are not comfortable with him? Or do I hold ceremony alone and give guidance alone and perform the handfastings alone and the funieraries alone, betraying his thoughts of how a "marriage should be."
Let's say that I enjoy doing Renn Faire. I throw myself wholeheartedly into it. I plan and build. I create costumes, for myself, my kids, HIM, others. I am put in a position, through my hard work and efforts, to run a guild or a boothe. And I'm good at it. Let's say that when the entity I'm working for screws me over, I take that boothe and my volunteers to other venues, including HIM in the process but not making HIM the man in charge. I throw myself into the work and make it something truly awesome and something I truly enjoy, something WE used to enjoy together. Now those who have done Renn Faire know that it's a performance. We are an environmental theatre. We are constantly encouraged to be gigging and playing with the customers. And I'm good at that too. What happens when HE stops having a good time and wants to quit because it's not everything he thinks it should be for HIM? Am I expected to quit as well. NO! Well, yes, in HIS eyes. Because I have now been untrue to the marriage. I have shared myself with my work, my hobby, my craft, my friends, etc.
Now, lets talk about physical infidelity...
What am I supposed to do when I repeatedly ask for sex or attention or affection, only to be told that HE cannot give any more and that I should be satisfied with what he can give. How am I supposed to respond when the sex is unsatisfying when it does happen--a few kisses, tweak the nipples once, slide it in, two minutes later it's over--Unless it's the nights when he can't get it up without a blow job and I'm supposed to get off doing that for him when he won't do the same for me...
Oh, yes-ss-s-s-s. The toys do work sometimes. But I'll be damned if they are any substitute for a warm human body.
Now let's get into the reality of alll of this.
I slept around. Big deal. The guys and gals I slept with were not the ones he thinks they were or even the ones he's screaming "marital infidelity" about. Those individuals were just tools to satisfy my physical cravings. No emotional connection. No running off to meet them on the sly. Hell, HE never even knew when I was gone to them. There is only one with whom I crossed that line and made if personal and could have actually left my husband for. And HE didn't even have an inkling until that man was already out of my life and far away...
Did my EX really want to know? I gotta say, I seriously doubt it. We always had the policy that if you really wanted to know, all you had to do was ask. I asked. I knew about the girl at the college. I knew about the girl in Hawaii. I knew about the girl at the Renn Faire. With the exception of the last one, they were all just for physical gratification as well. What a hypocrite I would have been to begrudge him that.
If he has true issues, which I guess he does by the relayed conversations he's having with my friends and associates, then I believe he needs to deal with what those issues are. If there was infidelity to the marriage, then it was of a non-physical nature. And that should have been the heads up for him to try a little harder or to give just a little more or to communicate the true feelings he had surrounding said "infidelity." And not taking credit or responsibility for actions does not equate to being able to claim you are not at fault...