Walls
For those that know me, I characterize my psyche as being surrounded by the carefully constructed walls of a maze. At the entrance to said maze is a nice receiveing area. That is the place where people I first meet get to hang out and be entertained by "the hostess" aspect of my personality. Kinda cool, actually. I feed people, make sure their needs are attended to, smile, listen, interract.
For those who like what they see, there is a door made visible. A huge amount of my initial "guests" are shown that door. They are invited in. This walled area is well appointed and my guests are treated to more aspects of "the hostess". The difference is that this room is a bit darker, showing the darker side of my personality. A number of people occupying this room are then shown another door, one that leads further in to my psyche.
And so on, and so on, into the center of ME.
Very few people get close enough to the center of ME. There are probably only 4 or 5 who have gotten almost there. Only one has ever touched that center and remained there for an extended length of time.
There are some very personal things that reside in the liquid filled center of my being. (yeah, yeah I know we all have those things and so why should mine be anything special or different) But somehow I have always felt that if I let just anyone see or experience or share in that liquid filled center, they would probably explode or think less of me or go insane or just plain run away scared...
That center has been a lonely place. The darkest thoughts and truths and secrets reside there. It is truly a cesspool. I believe I wall it in and lock it behind iron doors and titanium locks only so that it doesn't leak out into polite society. (And probably so I don't find my physical being locked behind padded doors and titanium locks).
It has been a lonely place. And for a time, I let someone in. They were not bothered by the cesspool. In fact, they helped me to deal with some of the monsters and nastiness therein.
Unfortunately, it is once again a lonely place. And some of the monsters have come back. And they have brought some friends with them...
I chose to put the walls back up and lock that door. I chose to do that because the person I was sharing it all with, really should not be asked to shoulder the burden of my personal nightmares. And that person should not have to be strong for me.
I have always had to find my own strengths in my personal darkest hours. And while I have let other willing people shoulder some of my burdens, I have always given them the lesser ones so that my heaviest loads seemed lighter for the sharing. And I will continue to do so as is fitting.
Right now, however, I'm off to fight the demons and monsters behind my tightest, closest walls....
ALONE.
For those who like what they see, there is a door made visible. A huge amount of my initial "guests" are shown that door. They are invited in. This walled area is well appointed and my guests are treated to more aspects of "the hostess". The difference is that this room is a bit darker, showing the darker side of my personality. A number of people occupying this room are then shown another door, one that leads further in to my psyche.
And so on, and so on, into the center of ME.
Very few people get close enough to the center of ME. There are probably only 4 or 5 who have gotten almost there. Only one has ever touched that center and remained there for an extended length of time.
There are some very personal things that reside in the liquid filled center of my being. (yeah, yeah I know we all have those things and so why should mine be anything special or different) But somehow I have always felt that if I let just anyone see or experience or share in that liquid filled center, they would probably explode or think less of me or go insane or just plain run away scared...
That center has been a lonely place. The darkest thoughts and truths and secrets reside there. It is truly a cesspool. I believe I wall it in and lock it behind iron doors and titanium locks only so that it doesn't leak out into polite society. (And probably so I don't find my physical being locked behind padded doors and titanium locks).
It has been a lonely place. And for a time, I let someone in. They were not bothered by the cesspool. In fact, they helped me to deal with some of the monsters and nastiness therein.
Unfortunately, it is once again a lonely place. And some of the monsters have come back. And they have brought some friends with them...
I chose to put the walls back up and lock that door. I chose to do that because the person I was sharing it all with, really should not be asked to shoulder the burden of my personal nightmares. And that person should not have to be strong for me.
I have always had to find my own strengths in my personal darkest hours. And while I have let other willing people shoulder some of my burdens, I have always given them the lesser ones so that my heaviest loads seemed lighter for the sharing. And I will continue to do so as is fitting.
Right now, however, I'm off to fight the demons and monsters behind my tightest, closest walls....
ALONE.