Just Thinking Some More
I haven't put a lot into this lately besides rambling thoughts. I worry that I trouble my friends with my thoughts so I have kept them to myself and written them down lately. So now I am burning incense to make the apartment feel more comfortable. I just don't know what it is but I don't feel relaxed enough or at home. I think maybe there just enough hippy in it for me. I'm going to try putting up beads and seeing how that goes. It will definitely scare Brandon.
I am still working on piecing my life back together after Va Woolf?. I've learned three things, and no less:
1) People are stupid fucking morons and you always have to prepare to do their job. Case in point: Who is paying for my college and why didn't he warn me when he lied about paying for it?
2) Nobody cares enough to pay for good art and my career is doomed to make little money unless I can figure something gimmicky out. Or unless Laurie has another answer for me.
3) Some people are really good actors and some are really terrible. I don't know what I am supposed to be absorbing from this college, but being heinously and consistantly insulted pisses me off.
Okay, so maybe none of those points had any relevence except the first. But the first drives itself home. I haven't gotten past what I discovered in the world. It makes me ask the Strokes question, "Is This It?" Then it answers itself naturally with the Postal Service sigh, "Give Up." Well I want to return what pieces of the world I have been handed. They were damaged on delivery. Well that's not fair of me. I should tend to what I have been given, after all it is earth, and cultivate. The other secret is to keep what I have from anyone else (well just mostly anyone else) so they can't spoil it. And I will have to take a risk and show it to people I trust, hoping we can share without them destroying it or me going crazy and mercy killing it. I guess the flaw is that I get jealous for credit. All of this is entirely abstract so it should only make sense if you are into it. So like the Ben Folds cover of Tiny Dancer, I will just hope the message comes through with my own style. A winking emodicon seems appropriate here for no good reason. ;)
Writing about my thoughts that cannot be communicated without having coffee with someone constantly brings me back to last August (and the Ben Folds playlist). I still haven't had time to survey it, so maybe I will tackle that this week. I look forward to answers by rereading what I wrote. That sort of retrospection might do something for me. At least now I have the external motivation to carry on every day. I am still mad at Brandon for getting me out of bed last Wed when I should have stayed there all day. I am still mad about not being able to drive and selling my car. I am still mad about a lot of things that I refuse to name because I know I shouldn't dwell on them. That's the overanalysis that dooms me, I think. Running two different purposes into a sentence without reflecting on either. Then again, it is 3:35am.
I have to study Italian and do my take-home quiz, so I am going to end on that mish-mash of a realization. Oh, and I think I am going to do an illustrated auto-biography, like the one called Mouse that is soon coming out. I think I will define my character by an animal and change it as time goes on.
Shine On, even if I am lying to you.
-A
PS - from "Run Around:" I don't want you to touch, I want you to reach me...No matter what the waitress brings I will drink it and always be full."
I am still working on piecing my life back together after Va Woolf?. I've learned three things, and no less:
1) People are stupid fucking morons and you always have to prepare to do their job. Case in point: Who is paying for my college and why didn't he warn me when he lied about paying for it?
2) Nobody cares enough to pay for good art and my career is doomed to make little money unless I can figure something gimmicky out. Or unless Laurie has another answer for me.
3) Some people are really good actors and some are really terrible. I don't know what I am supposed to be absorbing from this college, but being heinously and consistantly insulted pisses me off.
Okay, so maybe none of those points had any relevence except the first. But the first drives itself home. I haven't gotten past what I discovered in the world. It makes me ask the Strokes question, "Is This It?" Then it answers itself naturally with the Postal Service sigh, "Give Up." Well I want to return what pieces of the world I have been handed. They were damaged on delivery. Well that's not fair of me. I should tend to what I have been given, after all it is earth, and cultivate. The other secret is to keep what I have from anyone else (well just mostly anyone else) so they can't spoil it. And I will have to take a risk and show it to people I trust, hoping we can share without them destroying it or me going crazy and mercy killing it. I guess the flaw is that I get jealous for credit. All of this is entirely abstract so it should only make sense if you are into it. So like the Ben Folds cover of Tiny Dancer, I will just hope the message comes through with my own style. A winking emodicon seems appropriate here for no good reason. ;)
Writing about my thoughts that cannot be communicated without having coffee with someone constantly brings me back to last August (and the Ben Folds playlist). I still haven't had time to survey it, so maybe I will tackle that this week. I look forward to answers by rereading what I wrote. That sort of retrospection might do something for me. At least now I have the external motivation to carry on every day. I am still mad at Brandon for getting me out of bed last Wed when I should have stayed there all day. I am still mad about not being able to drive and selling my car. I am still mad about a lot of things that I refuse to name because I know I shouldn't dwell on them. That's the overanalysis that dooms me, I think. Running two different purposes into a sentence without reflecting on either. Then again, it is 3:35am.
I have to study Italian and do my take-home quiz, so I am going to end on that mish-mash of a realization. Oh, and I think I am going to do an illustrated auto-biography, like the one called Mouse that is soon coming out. I think I will define my character by an animal and change it as time goes on.
Shine On, even if I am lying to you.
-A
PS - from "Run Around:" I don't want you to touch, I want you to reach me...No matter what the waitress brings I will drink it and always be full."