I F***ing Do, Part 14
Title: I F***ing Do
Team : Order of the Phoenix
Word Count: 100 x 13
Rating: Mature--bad language here. (Well, obviously.)
Challenge: Creative Cursing Challenge
Characters: Hermione/Severus, Lavender, Ginny, Luna, Tobias Snape, Fluffy the Parrot
Disclaimer: They're not mine, they're J.K. Rowling's. Alas.
Notes: 14th installment of "I F***ing Do," a Hissing Harpies round robin. Special thanks to all the wonderful and supportive Harpies, especially dickgloucester, a_bees_buzz and duniazade, who helped get me through this last set without completely tearing out my hair, and sc010f, gilded_glamour and camillo1978, who are the best boosters a Harpy could hope for.
Previously, on "I F***ing Do"...
Selecting bridesmaids' dresses would be hellish, Hermione knew, because it involved bridesmaids and dresses and Lavender Brown.
She wasn't disappointed. Within seconds of arriving at the shop, they'd all vetoed Hermione's choice and begun suggesting their own.
Melanie, Hermione's Werewolf Relations Representative, was pressing for something high-necked and long-sleeved. Lavender suggested a violently purple cancan dress with an enormous bow.
"This one!" Ginny crowed, waving a barely-there coppery sheath that flattered her and nobody else.
"Fine, I suppose-if you don't mind looking like a desperate, outdated tart," Lavender sniffed.
Ginny turned as red as her hair. "What did you say?"
*~*~*~*~*~*~*
"You conniving little cow!" Ginny cried. "I don't care if you're the bloody wedding planner; I'm the Matron of Honour, and I say we're wearing this."
"I refuse!" Melanie burst out. Lavender smirked at Ginny.
"We're not wearing those granny dresses you want," Ginny snapped, "just because you're all hairy-"
"Are you discriminating against my Lycanthropy, you social-climbing trollop?"
"Callisto's corset! I'm just saying, try using a Waxing Charm-"
"Ginny," Luna chided, "that wasn't nice!"
"Oh, what would you know, you daydreaming dimwit! You probably want us all in radishes-"
Luna gasped. "Ooooh, you're being such a-a-a fwooping lollyganger!"
*~*~*~*~*~*~*
As Melanie pulled Ginny's hair and Lavender began pushing a neon-orange horror trimmed in feathers, Hermione felt herself snap.
It was as though she were invisible. It was her wedding, but nobody cared what she wanted.
"SHUT UP!" she roared, surprising herself. "Everybody!"
The shop went silent.
"Until now, I've been polite. My sodding wedding's in three sodding weeks, and everybody's planning it but me. My bossy cow of a mother doesn't even want me to pick my own sodding dress! I'm tired of being ignored," Hermione continued, "so for once, you'll all listen to what I have to say!"
*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Hermione pointed at Ginny. "Stop suggesting things that make the others look like satin-covered Doxy droppings, you fwooping prima donna, or it'll be head-to-toe pink for you."
She turned to Luna. "You can't wear a Jobberknoll-feather headdress, even though it keeps away Tringtillers."
"And you," she continued, advancing on Lavender. "You're a bubble-headed bimbo with the taste of a blind baboon, and you need to stop bloody talking."
Hermione shoved her original choice at Lavender. "I picked this one. Get over it." She nodded at the stunned crowd watching her, feeling oddly liberated. "Right. That's done. I'm going home now."
*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Severus had thought that marking dunderheaded essays was a tedious task, but assembling wedding invitations was worse. They were fiddly and each had at least two more envelopes than logic seemed to dictate. Even with Magical assistance, they seemed incomprehensible.
"Freya's furry fanny!" he exploded in frustration.
He was weighing the unpleasantness of Hermione's wrath versus the satisfaction to be gained from torching the lot when she stormed in, her hair crackling with furious magic.
Severus raised an eyebrow. "The bridesmaids…?"
"Can stuff themselves." She sat next to him and grabbed the envelopes. "Budge over. And get me a drink."
*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Two Firewhiskies loosened her tongue and lightened her mood.
"Then I blew up like a dyspeptic dragon," she concluded. "I said it was my wedding and I'd pick what I wanted."
"About time one of us said that," Severus murmured approvingly.
She smiled. "I could kiss you for that."
She did. Then she did considerably more, a move Severus wholeheartedly approved; he was seriously considering sweeping off the table and moving matters along, when the doorbell rang.
"Bugger off!" Severus snarled.
It rang again.
"Answer it," Hermione sighed.
"Jove's sweaty jockstrap," Severus grumbled, reluctantly leaving. He opened the door-and gasped.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*
There was a man on the doorstep.
He had a suitcase on one side and a birdcage on the other. He had tanned, lined skin and long, ragged hair, bleached silver by the sun, and was wearing a tropical shirt of advanced age and dubious cleanliness. He looked like a vagrant (or possibly an associate of Aberforth's, which amounted to much the same thing), but as he flipped off his dark sunglasses, Severus recognised his sharp blue eyes and horrifyingly familiar hooked nose.
"Bloody chuffing hell!" Severus swore. "Not you!"
"Give your old dad a hug, Severus!" Toby Snape cried, grinning.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Before Severus could react, Toby had gathered him in a rib-crushing embrace, suffocating him with a stench of bay rum, goat and ganja.
"Glad to see you, lad!" Toby enthused
"The feeling isn't mutual, you manipulative, goat-buggering, pickled turd! How the bloody fuck did you find me?"
Toby beamed. "Ah, bless. You've your mam's mouth on you. Leenie said the sweetest things."
Severus' scowl could have turned wine to vinegar.
"You've got her smile, too!" Toby edged inside, bringing his luggage with him. "This your place? Thought it'd be more posh-like. Mind if I come in and stay a bit?"
*~*~*~*~*~*~*
"…then somebody sends me this newspaper saying my lad's getting married and owns a business," Toby concluded. "So I came."
"For my money?"
"For your wedding!" Toby protested. "Brought a present," he added, indicating the cage.
"Pet Fluffy!" the bird inside ordered.
"You wouldn't deny an old man some dosh after he's brought you a present?"
"Absolutely, you shiftless old parasite. Now get out, before…"
Just then, Hermione poked her head round the corner. "Nimue's knockers, Severus, are you coming back? I'm not letting you off that easily; we've got unfinished-" She stopped, frowning. "Who…?"
Severus smiled humourlessly. "Meet Tobias."
*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Hermione reacted amazingly well. She welcomed Toby and excused Severus and herself to the kitchen to start dinner.
Then she erupted.
"You son of a Potions Master-shagging bitch, what haven't you lied about?" Hermione split a cabbage with a cleaver. "You said he was dead!"
"Wishful thinking," Severus admitted.
"I suppose it was also wishful thinking to imagine that you'd be honest with me!"
"I'm sorry," Severus offered, feeling unusually guilty. He tried to kiss her neck, which usually melted her resistance.
She brandished the cleaver, glaring at his crotch. "Get any closer, you fuckwitted fathead, and something comes off."
*~*~*~*~*~*~*
"So we'll just tell the old bastard to piss off, shall we?" Severus suggested.
"What kind of hard-hearted harpy would do that?" Hermione walked back out to the lounge. "You can stay here."
Toby grinned approvingly. "Now there's a love!"
"Poseidon's pimpled arse-you're not serious!"
"Why not?" she challenged.
"He's the world's most worthless wanker!"
"Oi!" Toby pouted. "A man's got feelings!"
"I won't punish him because you lied." But I will punish you, her gaze promised.
Toby sensed victory. "So I can stay?"
"Yes, you festering boil on the arse of humanity," Severus spat. "You can stay… for now."
*~*~*~*~*~*~*
"So everybody's settled and happy," Toby said, putting his feet up on the table and knocking over the stacked invitations. "How's about some tea, love? I could murder a bacon butty…"
Severus glared poisonously. "I could murder something, too."
"Bring us a butty, sugar snatch!" Fluffy croaked.
"Porphyria's push-up bra!" Hermione peered at the cage. "What the hell is that?"
"That's Fluffy," Toby volunteered.
"Pet Fluffy!" the bird agreed, whistling suggestively. "Show Fluffy your pretty titties!"
Hermione gawped. "That perverted parrot has to go!"
Severus sniggered. "What sort of hard-hearted harpy would refuse my dear father's thoughtful wedding present, hmm?"
*~*~*~*~*~*~*
"I bought him for you!" Toby protested.
Severus snorted. "You won the bleeding thing, didn't you?"
"Poker game," Toby admitted.
"Fine," Hermione finally relented. "It can stay."
Severus smirked.
"It can stay with your father in the lounge," Hermione said. "Just transfigure a bed for him."
Severus flourished his wand. "Come on, you worthless excrescence; let's get you settled."
"Actually," Hermione continued, "transfigure two beds, because you'll be joining him."
Severus stared. Toby guffawed. Hermione stalked off to the bedroom.
"Now that brings back memories of the old days," Toby said. "Looks like it's just us lads, eh?"
Severus shuddered.
Go on to Part 15.
Team : Order of the Phoenix
Word Count: 100 x 13
Rating: Mature--bad language here. (Well, obviously.)
Challenge: Creative Cursing Challenge
Characters: Hermione/Severus, Lavender, Ginny, Luna, Tobias Snape, Fluffy the Parrot
Disclaimer: They're not mine, they're J.K. Rowling's. Alas.
Notes: 14th installment of "I F***ing Do," a Hissing Harpies round robin. Special thanks to all the wonderful and supportive Harpies, especially dickgloucester, a_bees_buzz and duniazade, who helped get me through this last set without completely tearing out my hair, and sc010f, gilded_glamour and camillo1978, who are the best boosters a Harpy could hope for.
Previously, on "I F***ing Do"...
Selecting bridesmaids' dresses would be hellish, Hermione knew, because it involved bridesmaids and dresses and Lavender Brown.
She wasn't disappointed. Within seconds of arriving at the shop, they'd all vetoed Hermione's choice and begun suggesting their own.
Melanie, Hermione's Werewolf Relations Representative, was pressing for something high-necked and long-sleeved. Lavender suggested a violently purple cancan dress with an enormous bow.
"This one!" Ginny crowed, waving a barely-there coppery sheath that flattered her and nobody else.
"Fine, I suppose-if you don't mind looking like a desperate, outdated tart," Lavender sniffed.
Ginny turned as red as her hair. "What did you say?"
*~*~*~*~*~*~*
"You conniving little cow!" Ginny cried. "I don't care if you're the bloody wedding planner; I'm the Matron of Honour, and I say we're wearing this."
"I refuse!" Melanie burst out. Lavender smirked at Ginny.
"We're not wearing those granny dresses you want," Ginny snapped, "just because you're all hairy-"
"Are you discriminating against my Lycanthropy, you social-climbing trollop?"
"Callisto's corset! I'm just saying, try using a Waxing Charm-"
"Ginny," Luna chided, "that wasn't nice!"
"Oh, what would you know, you daydreaming dimwit! You probably want us all in radishes-"
Luna gasped. "Ooooh, you're being such a-a-a fwooping lollyganger!"
*~*~*~*~*~*~*
As Melanie pulled Ginny's hair and Lavender began pushing a neon-orange horror trimmed in feathers, Hermione felt herself snap.
It was as though she were invisible. It was her wedding, but nobody cared what she wanted.
"SHUT UP!" she roared, surprising herself. "Everybody!"
The shop went silent.
"Until now, I've been polite. My sodding wedding's in three sodding weeks, and everybody's planning it but me. My bossy cow of a mother doesn't even want me to pick my own sodding dress! I'm tired of being ignored," Hermione continued, "so for once, you'll all listen to what I have to say!"
*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Hermione pointed at Ginny. "Stop suggesting things that make the others look like satin-covered Doxy droppings, you fwooping prima donna, or it'll be head-to-toe pink for you."
She turned to Luna. "You can't wear a Jobberknoll-feather headdress, even though it keeps away Tringtillers."
"And you," she continued, advancing on Lavender. "You're a bubble-headed bimbo with the taste of a blind baboon, and you need to stop bloody talking."
Hermione shoved her original choice at Lavender. "I picked this one. Get over it." She nodded at the stunned crowd watching her, feeling oddly liberated. "Right. That's done. I'm going home now."
*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Severus had thought that marking dunderheaded essays was a tedious task, but assembling wedding invitations was worse. They were fiddly and each had at least two more envelopes than logic seemed to dictate. Even with Magical assistance, they seemed incomprehensible.
"Freya's furry fanny!" he exploded in frustration.
He was weighing the unpleasantness of Hermione's wrath versus the satisfaction to be gained from torching the lot when she stormed in, her hair crackling with furious magic.
Severus raised an eyebrow. "The bridesmaids…?"
"Can stuff themselves." She sat next to him and grabbed the envelopes. "Budge over. And get me a drink."
*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Two Firewhiskies loosened her tongue and lightened her mood.
"Then I blew up like a dyspeptic dragon," she concluded. "I said it was my wedding and I'd pick what I wanted."
"About time one of us said that," Severus murmured approvingly.
She smiled. "I could kiss you for that."
She did. Then she did considerably more, a move Severus wholeheartedly approved; he was seriously considering sweeping off the table and moving matters along, when the doorbell rang.
"Bugger off!" Severus snarled.
It rang again.
"Answer it," Hermione sighed.
"Jove's sweaty jockstrap," Severus grumbled, reluctantly leaving. He opened the door-and gasped.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*
There was a man on the doorstep.
He had a suitcase on one side and a birdcage on the other. He had tanned, lined skin and long, ragged hair, bleached silver by the sun, and was wearing a tropical shirt of advanced age and dubious cleanliness. He looked like a vagrant (or possibly an associate of Aberforth's, which amounted to much the same thing), but as he flipped off his dark sunglasses, Severus recognised his sharp blue eyes and horrifyingly familiar hooked nose.
"Bloody chuffing hell!" Severus swore. "Not you!"
"Give your old dad a hug, Severus!" Toby Snape cried, grinning.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Before Severus could react, Toby had gathered him in a rib-crushing embrace, suffocating him with a stench of bay rum, goat and ganja.
"Glad to see you, lad!" Toby enthused
"The feeling isn't mutual, you manipulative, goat-buggering, pickled turd! How the bloody fuck did you find me?"
Toby beamed. "Ah, bless. You've your mam's mouth on you. Leenie said the sweetest things."
Severus' scowl could have turned wine to vinegar.
"You've got her smile, too!" Toby edged inside, bringing his luggage with him. "This your place? Thought it'd be more posh-like. Mind if I come in and stay a bit?"
*~*~*~*~*~*~*
"…then somebody sends me this newspaper saying my lad's getting married and owns a business," Toby concluded. "So I came."
"For my money?"
"For your wedding!" Toby protested. "Brought a present," he added, indicating the cage.
"Pet Fluffy!" the bird inside ordered.
"You wouldn't deny an old man some dosh after he's brought you a present?"
"Absolutely, you shiftless old parasite. Now get out, before…"
Just then, Hermione poked her head round the corner. "Nimue's knockers, Severus, are you coming back? I'm not letting you off that easily; we've got unfinished-" She stopped, frowning. "Who…?"
Severus smiled humourlessly. "Meet Tobias."
*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Hermione reacted amazingly well. She welcomed Toby and excused Severus and herself to the kitchen to start dinner.
Then she erupted.
"You son of a Potions Master-shagging bitch, what haven't you lied about?" Hermione split a cabbage with a cleaver. "You said he was dead!"
"Wishful thinking," Severus admitted.
"I suppose it was also wishful thinking to imagine that you'd be honest with me!"
"I'm sorry," Severus offered, feeling unusually guilty. He tried to kiss her neck, which usually melted her resistance.
She brandished the cleaver, glaring at his crotch. "Get any closer, you fuckwitted fathead, and something comes off."
*~*~*~*~*~*~*
"So we'll just tell the old bastard to piss off, shall we?" Severus suggested.
"What kind of hard-hearted harpy would do that?" Hermione walked back out to the lounge. "You can stay here."
Toby grinned approvingly. "Now there's a love!"
"Poseidon's pimpled arse-you're not serious!"
"Why not?" she challenged.
"He's the world's most worthless wanker!"
"Oi!" Toby pouted. "A man's got feelings!"
"I won't punish him because you lied." But I will punish you, her gaze promised.
Toby sensed victory. "So I can stay?"
"Yes, you festering boil on the arse of humanity," Severus spat. "You can stay… for now."
*~*~*~*~*~*~*
"So everybody's settled and happy," Toby said, putting his feet up on the table and knocking over the stacked invitations. "How's about some tea, love? I could murder a bacon butty…"
Severus glared poisonously. "I could murder something, too."
"Bring us a butty, sugar snatch!" Fluffy croaked.
"Porphyria's push-up bra!" Hermione peered at the cage. "What the hell is that?"
"That's Fluffy," Toby volunteered.
"Pet Fluffy!" the bird agreed, whistling suggestively. "Show Fluffy your pretty titties!"
Hermione gawped. "That perverted parrot has to go!"
Severus sniggered. "What sort of hard-hearted harpy would refuse my dear father's thoughtful wedding present, hmm?"
*~*~*~*~*~*~*
"I bought him for you!" Toby protested.
Severus snorted. "You won the bleeding thing, didn't you?"
"Poker game," Toby admitted.
"Fine," Hermione finally relented. "It can stay."
Severus smirked.
"It can stay with your father in the lounge," Hermione said. "Just transfigure a bed for him."
Severus flourished his wand. "Come on, you worthless excrescence; let's get you settled."
"Actually," Hermione continued, "transfigure two beds, because you'll be joining him."
Severus stared. Toby guffawed. Hermione stalked off to the bedroom.
"Now that brings back memories of the old days," Toby said. "Looks like it's just us lads, eh?"
Severus shuddered.
Go on to Part 15.