I F***ing Do!
I F***ing Do! (Part 15)
Challenge: Creative Curses
Team: Order!
Word Count: 9 x 100
Rating: M
Warnings: Drug use, implied violence
Characters: Severus, Hermione, Tobias Snape, Ron, Lucius, Draco
A/N: This is the fifteenth part of the round-robin drabble series ‘I F***ing Do!’ a Hissing Harpies production. Severus hasn’t exactly been honest with Hermione about his parents, but he does have his reasons…
Part 14
Toby looked horrified.
“You focking well can’t have the wedding that weekend!”
Severus glanced heavenward. Hermione regarded her father-in-law to be curiously.
“Why ever not?”
“It’s the first winter test match! It’s bloody bad enough I’m not in Jamaica for it, but I’ve sorted a satellite dish installation on Monday, so I can at least watch it on telly.”
Hermione stiffened.
“Who’s paying for that?”
“Our Sev, of course! Focking love the cricket, don’t you, Sev?”
Severus blanched. Hermione scowled. Satellite TV sports cost a fortune of sodding Smaugian proportions.
“There’s loads of important football to watch, too!” Toby added.
On Monday, Hermione was late home from work. She was surprised to find Ron in her kitchen.
“Alright, Hermione? Want a beer?”
“Um, okay. What the devil are you doing here?”
“Severus asked us over for moral support. His dad’s fwooping mental! Keeps trying to persuade us to smoke weed. Good job Harry couldn’t come!”
“What?”
The sitting room was blue with smoke. Ensconced in Severus’ beloved leather recliner, Red Stripe in one hand, spliff in the other, Toby held court. Severus, Draco and Lucius sat together on the sofa, looking rather dazed.
“Focking come on, Leeds United!” bellowed Toby.
The football was mediocre, but interestingly violent. Draco was carefully plaiting Lucius’ hair for the tenth time, and Ron was eating Every Flavoured Beans by the fistful, by the time the conversation turned to the wedding.
“I’ve got a bloody cracking ‘best man’ speech lined up,” declared Toby.
“And me,” giggled Lucius.
“Mine’s the dragon’s bollocks,” asserted Draco.
“For Circe’s sake, you bunch of blithering Skrewts! I haven’t even asked any of you to be my best fucking man!” snapped Severus. “It’s like everyone is trying to control me. I feel so… trapped! I don’t want to be a pawn!
Severus stood up and waved his beer bottle around wildly. The television screen began to flicker eerily as uncontrolled magic crackled around the room.
“I want to be free! Free to do want I want to do! I fwooping refuse to follow other people’s orders any more!”
“Easy now, Severus. Calm down,” murmured Ron gently. “Why don’t we get a nice bit of fresh air, and you can tell me all about what you want?”
Severus turned towards Ron and held his arms out in appeal.
“Weasley! My long-legged, pizza-providing, non-nagging saviour! I want you to be my best man!
Toby-already livid because Leeds were losing two-nil, and the telly was on the blink-went utterly ballistic.
“You’ve embarrassed me, defied me, insulted me and ignored me one time too many, you stupid, twatting freak! It’s about time you showed me some proper focking respect! I’m your sodding father, and I will be the sodding best man!”
Severus pulled himself out of Ron’s comforting embrace and sneered at his father.
“After all these years, you still think I’m a freak? Why, in Merlin’s name, would I choose you to stand with me? Just piss off out of it, Dad!”
Tobias jumped out of his chair and aimed a fist at his son’s face.
“Don’t you chuffing speak to me like that!”
To Hermione’s horror, her fiancée shrank before her eyes. Shoulders hunched, hair falling forwards across his face, eyes fixed on the carpet, Severus subsided into silent meekness.
“What the fuck do you think you’re doing?” Hermione hissed. “How dare you try and bully Severus? He’s the most honourable man I’ve ever met. He’d never be violent towards you because he’s so much more powerful than you! Only a complete fucking imbecile would try and take advantage of that!”
Advancing across the sitting room until she stood directly in front of Tobias, Hermione shot a glance at her beloved. It appeared her off-the-cuff strategy was working; Severus was replacing his instinctively timid body language with the smirk of a person claiming the moral high-ground.
“Tobias Snape, if you attend our wedding, you will bloody well be sober, straight, and polite!” she continued, prodding Tobias on the chest to emphasise each point. “Thor help you if I ever see you lose your temper again! I’ll have you locked in a broom cupboard before you can even blink!”
Tobias backed away, smiling ingratiatingly.
“I’m sorry, love. Snapes have a short fuse… you know how it works with us.”
“Not like that, I don’t,” Hermione snapped.
Tobias stared at his son in amazement. Severus lifted his chin and slid an arm around Hermione’s shoulders.
“You and Mum might have brought me up to believe that whoever shouts the loudest and hits the hardest wins the argument, but if I’d relied on your methods, I’d have been dead years ago,” he told Tobias. “For some reason, I’m absolutely starving. You’re going to cook our dinner to show Hermione you’re sorry.”
“Well! Now that’s all settled, I believe I should get home before Narcissa charms the peacocks to attack on sight,” Lucius drawled in a masterful attempt to reassert his dignity, despite the fact that his newly restored hair hung in two long, braided pig-tails.
“And me!” added Draco hastily.
“Me too,” said Ron. “I’ll be in touch about the stag party, Severus. We’ll have the best fwooping night out you’ve ever experienced. I’m sure Hermione won’t mind a stripper or two. Aphrodite’s arsehole! Think how jealous Harry’ll be when he finds out I’m going to be your best man…”
A/Ns
1. Weed = grass = ganja.
2. Leeds is the Yorkshire city with a big football club closest to Halifax.
3. "On the blink" means something has stopped working properly.
4. "The dog's bollocks" is a Brit phrase used to describe something that is very good indeed. Adapted to fit the magical context here.
5. "I want to be free! Free to do what I want to do!" paraphrases the Martin Luther-King sample used in Primal Scream's hit song about getting stoned, 'Loaded'.
On to Part 16
Challenge: Creative Curses
Team: Order!
Word Count: 9 x 100
Rating: M
Warnings: Drug use, implied violence
Characters: Severus, Hermione, Tobias Snape, Ron, Lucius, Draco
A/N: This is the fifteenth part of the round-robin drabble series ‘I F***ing Do!’ a Hissing Harpies production. Severus hasn’t exactly been honest with Hermione about his parents, but he does have his reasons…
Part 14
Toby looked horrified.
“You focking well can’t have the wedding that weekend!”
Severus glanced heavenward. Hermione regarded her father-in-law to be curiously.
“Why ever not?”
“It’s the first winter test match! It’s bloody bad enough I’m not in Jamaica for it, but I’ve sorted a satellite dish installation on Monday, so I can at least watch it on telly.”
Hermione stiffened.
“Who’s paying for that?”
“Our Sev, of course! Focking love the cricket, don’t you, Sev?”
Severus blanched. Hermione scowled. Satellite TV sports cost a fortune of sodding Smaugian proportions.
“There’s loads of important football to watch, too!” Toby added.
On Monday, Hermione was late home from work. She was surprised to find Ron in her kitchen.
“Alright, Hermione? Want a beer?”
“Um, okay. What the devil are you doing here?”
“Severus asked us over for moral support. His dad’s fwooping mental! Keeps trying to persuade us to smoke weed. Good job Harry couldn’t come!”
“What?”
The sitting room was blue with smoke. Ensconced in Severus’ beloved leather recliner, Red Stripe in one hand, spliff in the other, Toby held court. Severus, Draco and Lucius sat together on the sofa, looking rather dazed.
“Focking come on, Leeds United!” bellowed Toby.
The football was mediocre, but interestingly violent. Draco was carefully plaiting Lucius’ hair for the tenth time, and Ron was eating Every Flavoured Beans by the fistful, by the time the conversation turned to the wedding.
“I’ve got a bloody cracking ‘best man’ speech lined up,” declared Toby.
“And me,” giggled Lucius.
“Mine’s the dragon’s bollocks,” asserted Draco.
“For Circe’s sake, you bunch of blithering Skrewts! I haven’t even asked any of you to be my best fucking man!” snapped Severus. “It’s like everyone is trying to control me. I feel so… trapped! I don’t want to be a pawn!
Severus stood up and waved his beer bottle around wildly. The television screen began to flicker eerily as uncontrolled magic crackled around the room.
“I want to be free! Free to do want I want to do! I fwooping refuse to follow other people’s orders any more!”
“Easy now, Severus. Calm down,” murmured Ron gently. “Why don’t we get a nice bit of fresh air, and you can tell me all about what you want?”
Severus turned towards Ron and held his arms out in appeal.
“Weasley! My long-legged, pizza-providing, non-nagging saviour! I want you to be my best man!
Toby-already livid because Leeds were losing two-nil, and the telly was on the blink-went utterly ballistic.
“You’ve embarrassed me, defied me, insulted me and ignored me one time too many, you stupid, twatting freak! It’s about time you showed me some proper focking respect! I’m your sodding father, and I will be the sodding best man!”
Severus pulled himself out of Ron’s comforting embrace and sneered at his father.
“After all these years, you still think I’m a freak? Why, in Merlin’s name, would I choose you to stand with me? Just piss off out of it, Dad!”
Tobias jumped out of his chair and aimed a fist at his son’s face.
“Don’t you chuffing speak to me like that!”
To Hermione’s horror, her fiancée shrank before her eyes. Shoulders hunched, hair falling forwards across his face, eyes fixed on the carpet, Severus subsided into silent meekness.
“What the fuck do you think you’re doing?” Hermione hissed. “How dare you try and bully Severus? He’s the most honourable man I’ve ever met. He’d never be violent towards you because he’s so much more powerful than you! Only a complete fucking imbecile would try and take advantage of that!”
Advancing across the sitting room until she stood directly in front of Tobias, Hermione shot a glance at her beloved. It appeared her off-the-cuff strategy was working; Severus was replacing his instinctively timid body language with the smirk of a person claiming the moral high-ground.
“Tobias Snape, if you attend our wedding, you will bloody well be sober, straight, and polite!” she continued, prodding Tobias on the chest to emphasise each point. “Thor help you if I ever see you lose your temper again! I’ll have you locked in a broom cupboard before you can even blink!”
Tobias backed away, smiling ingratiatingly.
“I’m sorry, love. Snapes have a short fuse… you know how it works with us.”
“Not like that, I don’t,” Hermione snapped.
Tobias stared at his son in amazement. Severus lifted his chin and slid an arm around Hermione’s shoulders.
“You and Mum might have brought me up to believe that whoever shouts the loudest and hits the hardest wins the argument, but if I’d relied on your methods, I’d have been dead years ago,” he told Tobias. “For some reason, I’m absolutely starving. You’re going to cook our dinner to show Hermione you’re sorry.”
“Well! Now that’s all settled, I believe I should get home before Narcissa charms the peacocks to attack on sight,” Lucius drawled in a masterful attempt to reassert his dignity, despite the fact that his newly restored hair hung in two long, braided pig-tails.
“And me!” added Draco hastily.
“Me too,” said Ron. “I’ll be in touch about the stag party, Severus. We’ll have the best fwooping night out you’ve ever experienced. I’m sure Hermione won’t mind a stripper or two. Aphrodite’s arsehole! Think how jealous Harry’ll be when he finds out I’m going to be your best man…”
A/Ns
1. Weed = grass = ganja.
2. Leeds is the Yorkshire city with a big football club closest to Halifax.
3. "On the blink" means something has stopped working properly.
4. "The dog's bollocks" is a Brit phrase used to describe something that is very good indeed. Adapted to fit the magical context here.
5. "I want to be free! Free to do what I want to do!" paraphrases the Martin Luther-King sample used in Primal Scream's hit song about getting stoned, 'Loaded'.
On to Part 16