Fic: All That I Am (5/17)
Title: All That I Am (5/17)
Author: gradgirl (aka Ali)
Rating: PG-13 (what else?)
Characters/Pairings: Luke/Reid, Casey/Ali, Chris/Katie, appearances from Snyder clan and other OCs
Summary: Luke found almost everything with Reid. Is that enough?
Warnings: Sequel to Almost Everything. So you should read that one first.
Author’s Notes: Thank you taking the journey back into this universe with me. Also a huge thank you to reilaroo for your awesome beta work and slayerkitty for letting me give you presents. Constructive criticism and comments are appreciated. Thank you for reading. ~Ali
Previous Chapters: { Chapter 1} { Chapter 2} { Chapter 3} { Chapter 4}
Chapter Five
Luke sat on the bathroom floor for a several minutes. He tried to calm himself, but his heart was racing and his stomach hurt. He briefly wondered if this is what one of Reid’s panic attacks felt like. He had managed to grab his robe off the back of the door and put it on. It was old and the sleeves were frayed. He loved that robe. Reid had given it to him a few weeks into their marriage. It was the first gift his in husband ever gave him. The redhead admitted later that it was too difficult seeing Luke walk around his a towel every morning. He claimed he was getting third-degree burns from his coffee, and he couldn’t help but be affected by Luke.
He tugged on the robe, trying to get the chill to leave his body. He couldn’t believe Reid… How could his husband not want to have children?
Reid got up and threw on some clothes the moment Luke ran into the bathroom. He knew the younger man was upset, but he wanted to talk this through. Bob’s news about wanting Reid to be the Chief of Staff was supposed to be a reason for them to celebrate. Reid needed Luke’s advice and insights on this. The redhead trusted Luke more than anyone else in the world. And if Luke had any doubts or concerns, Reid wanted to discuss them. He didn’t expect his husband to run away and lock himself in the bathroom.
The older man had knocked on the bathroom door a few times, calling his husband’s name. He tried the handle, but it was locked. “Luke, stop this. We need to talk.”
The only response he heard was running water. Luke didn’t want Reid to hear him. Luke felt like crying, and he could imagine all the snarky responses from his husband. He knew Reid, knew Reid better than himself. With Reid’s declarative statement that he doesn’t want to have children, it wasn’t going to be an easy discussion-long fights and little chance of changing the redhead’s mind lied in the blonde’s future. Luke wasn’t ready to have that conversation, try to win over his husband in an argument. He just wanted to crawl back into bed, have Reid wrap his arms around him and go to sleep. But Luke knew if he offered that, Reid would turn him down. He would demand that they talk this through. The younger man still felt a little nauseous and dizzy though.
“Luke!” The knocking continued but stopped after a moment. Reid’s pager went off. “Damn it,” he muttered under his breath as he went to go check. As much as he loved being a doctor, sometimes he wished that he could throw that pager away.
“Emergency-911,” he read. Reid quickly ran back to the door. “Luke, I’ve got to go to the hospital.” He placed his hand on the closed door. “We’ll talk later. I…I love you.”
Hearing Reid’s voice, the assurance, Luke started to feel more like himself. He splashed some water on his face and went back into their bedroom. The sheets were tangled from when both men had jumped out of the bed. Reid’s phone and pager were gone, but he’d left his watch. Luke was half-tempted to pick it up and take it to the hospital. Reid hated being without it. He couldn’t keep it on in surgery, but he was rarely without it either. It had been a gift from his parents. Despite the fact that they didn’t speak (his choice, Reid swore, claiming being their son was too much pressure, even for him). That watch was his last connection to his parents, and he never went without it. One time Luke even tried to buy Reid a new one, but he said no.
With a shake of his head, Luke went back to the bed. He knew Reid could be gone for hours and wanted a chance to think and calm down. Reid’s declarative statement about not wanting to have children shouldn’t have come to a shock to Luke, and in a way it didn’t. Reid didn’t talk too much about his family. He liked Jacob, but he never mentioned wanting a son or daughter of their own. But he wanted to change to Reid’s mind. Luke smiled gently, reaching for the covers and thought of ways to argue with Reid.
*
By the time Reid got done with his surgery, there were a half dozen voicemail messages from Luke. “I’m sorry I freaked out. … I know we need to talk. … Did you kick ass in surgery? … I love you. … Casey and Alison are coming over for dinner. They have to head back Carbondale sooner than expected. … Casey is barbecuing. … I love you.”
He smiled to himself as he listened to the last message. Reid was exhausted and more than anything wanted a hot shower and to sleep for the next two days. But if he could go home, see Luke, even “entertain” their friends, it would be okay. They could return to the semblance of who they are.
No matter what, he knew that he and Luke loved each other and they would figure this out. He just had to convince his husband that Reid being a father would be a very bad idea.
*
When Reid got home, he was grateful to see that Casey and Alison weren’t there yet. Luke was sitting on the couch with some paperwork. After Luke had moved into Reid’s bedroom, Reid suggested that they turn Luke’s old bedroom into an office, but he said no. At first the redhead was concerned that Luke was waiting for an escape, but he wanted to keep it free for any of the endless number of family or friends that would come and stay over. Luckily for Reid, Luke had kept it to a minimum. Mostly Jacob or Ethan used it and once, when Katie got so mad at Chris that she kicked him out, he had utilized the spare bedroom.
Luke always told Reid that he didn’t like to bring work home with him, and he rarely did. Reid had his office but even that hadn’t been used much in the last several months. When they were first married, Reid spent hours in there, hiding from his husband, afraid of learning more about the young man he married, because when they entered their “business arrangement” he was probably already half-in love with Luke. He hadn’t wanted to be pushed over the edge completely.
Reid had half-heartedly offered Luke the use of his office once, but the blonde knew how obsessive Reid was about everything, especially his own space. So the rare times Luke worked at home, it was in their living room, sitting on the couch, papers spread out in front of him.
Coming home, seeing his husband, like that… Reid let out a breath. “Luke.”
The blonde jumped slightly. “Hi,” he whispered.
“Hi.” Reid started to make his way over to the couch and Luke stood up.
“Casey and Ali called, they should be here soon. I know I need to clean this stuff up…” He waved to the piles of paper on the coffee table. “But I was just stuck on-”
“Luke.” Reid had finally made his way to his husband. He reached out and cupped the blonde’s cheek in his hand. “I love you.”
The younger man felt a lump form in this throat. His nervous energy melted away. He and Reid used to argue all the time. Sometimes they still did, it was a part of their spark, what drew them to each other. Luke wasn’t used to not getting his way and Reid wasn’t used to someone pushing him. But they never went to bed angry or if they did, they made up quickly. This was the first time where they’d had a disagreement, and they hadn’t even gotten to the meat of the discussion before Reid was called away.
“I love you,” Luke whispered and reached out, pulling his husband close. His chin rested on Reid’s shoulder. “I love you.”
Reid let out a groan, his arms snaking around Luke. His whole body ached from the long hours at the hospital, standing on his feet, being away from his husband, the fight. He burrowed his head into the crook of Luke’s neck, pressing a few gentle kisses there. Luke shuddered softly and his hands rubbed circles across the redhead’s back.
“You must be exhausted,” Luke noted. “Do you want me to call and-”
“No.” Reid pulled away slightly. “I know how much you want to see Casey and Alison. And besides, he barbecues pretty good.”
“Should I be jealous?” Luke teased, quirking any eyebrow. “I do know the way to your heart is definitely through your stomach.”
“I’ve got you, what else do I need?”
Luke opened his mouth to respond, but the doorbell rang. He knew now wasn’t the time to talk about what he really needed to stay. He patted Reid one more time before going to answer the door.
“I’m going to take a quick shower,” Reid called over his shoulder. “I’ll be out in ten minutes.”
“Yeah.”
Casey and Ali were full of warm smiles and hugs. Luke didn’t realize how much he needed that. Being held by Reid always helped, but Luke couldn’t let go of this nagging feeling, a tugging fear about this argument. With a shake of his head, he decided to let it go.
“Reid’s in the shower.”
“Oh,” Alison noted. “Did he just get out of surgery?” She was tempted to cut the evening short. She had worked long shifts at the hospital, and she knew when she got home all she wanted was a hot bath and foot rub from Casey.
“Yeah,” Luke replied. “I offered to call and cancel, but you know Reid. The possibility of food, especially Casey’s barbecue skills, and nothing was going to stop him.”
Casey chuckled. “Glad to know I’m good for something.”
Alison rubbed his back affectionately. “You’re good for a lot of things,” she assured him.
*
The rest of the evening progressed well. Casey and Reid stood around the barbecue, the blonde explaining to Reid how to make the perfect burger, while Reid noted it was the extras-condiments, sides-that really made the meal, you had to find the right combination of ingredients. After a good-natured argument, everything was ready.
Reid explained the surgery to Alison. She was always interested in the work Dr. Oliver did and had started working with a neurosurgeon at a hospital in Carbondale. Reid didn’t have too many nice things to say about the guy.
“Alison, if you’re serious about medical school, then come see me when you’re ready to do your residency. I’ll make sure you learn what you need to. You were one of the few nurses that never leaked tears around me, so that’s working in your favor,” he noted over a mouthful of food.
The young woman’s mouth fell open. “Reid, that would be-”
“But, like I told Casey, take into consideration if you’re going to have kids. Your residency, especially the kind of work I’ll put you through, is going to be difficult.”
Luke had felt like he was punched in the gut again. “So, it’s not just me?” he sputtered. “You don’t think anyone should have kids?”
Casey and Alison both leaned back a little in their chairs. They had seen the two men fight before, but the hurt in Luke’s voice wasn’t something they had heard in years.
“Luke,” Reid’s voice had hardened; there was a hint of a warning in it.
But Luke either didn’t hear the warning or just didn’t care. “What is it with you thinking that people can’t do their jobs and have kids? You lived with Katie the first few months of Jacob’s life and you saw first-hand what an incredible mom she is.”
Reid’s tongue darted out for a moment. “I never said a person couldn’t have kids and a career, but it adds pressure. Casey will be starting his law career when Alison starts medical school, both of which are extremely pressure-filled situations. I don’t care if they have kids, but I wanted to let Casey know-”
“So what’s your excuse for us?” Luke cut him off. Now that he started, he found he couldn’t stop himself. He’d been waiting to say these things to Reid.
“I’m not discussing this with you,” Reid said and stood up.
“Why the hell not?” Luke demanded, standing up as well.
Casey reached out and grabbed Luke’s hand. “Hey, man, why don’t you and I go for a walk? Maybe we could go over and see Katie and Chris.”
Both men stood staring at each other, their eyes blazing, and their breath coming out in pants. Luke barely heard Casey, but he felt the tug on his hand. “What?” he finally asked.
“My aunt and uncle? Katie and Chris? Why don’t we go visit them? We can check on Bobby.” Casey tugged again.
“Yeah,” Luke replied distractedly and let Casey lead him out of the house.
Alison sat for a moment, watching Reid. His chest was moving fast, a vein in his neck was bulging. He started to grab some of the plates and head for the kitchen.
“Reid-”
“I will not discuss my reasons for not wanting to have kids with you,” he told her decisively.
Alison let out a breath and started to pick up some of the dishes as well. “All right,” she murmured.
They worked in silence, bringing the remnants of the dinner into the kitchen and putting dishes away. Reid started the hot water and automatically reached for his wedding ring. He hesitated for a moment, feeling the hard, durable metal underneath his fingertips. “I love him,” Reid said.
“I know,” she answered.
He slipped off his ring, put it in his pocket, and patted his thigh, making sure the ring was still there. Reid started to put some of the pots, things that couldn’t go in the dishwasher into the hot water. He hissed at the shock to his hands, the water was warmer than he expected.
Alison immediately went to check on him, but Reid gave her a look and she stumbled back a little.
“I’m fine,” he insisted.
She smiled sadly. “No, you’re not. You’re fighting with your husband, and if you’re anything like me, that’s the thing you hate most in the world.”
“What?” Reid asked, turning on the cold water, trying to cool of the water and not think about anything else.
Alison picked up one of the towels, ready to help. “You know, I love Casey.”
Reid rolled his eyes, and it was on the tip of his tongue to ask her if she had any other stupid comments.
“And one of the reasons I do is because he gets me, he’s my best friend. The problem being though that if we get into a fight, I want to talk to my best friend about it, but I can’t because it’s about him.”
Reid snorted in response and handed Alison the first dish. “You’re right,” he replied, glancing at her for a moment. “I tell him everything. I was never that guy, insults, jokes, giant wall around myself. But that spoiled brat…” His voiced trailed off. “He’s nothing like I thought he was. And even three years later, he still surprises me.”
She smiled gently. Alison had never gotten to see this side to Reid. They were civil around each other. She worked hard to get along with him because Luke loved him. But Ali always felt a loyalty to Noah that somehow Noah and Luke should be together forever Now seeing the brilliant, abrasive doctor like this, she was beginning to understand why Luke chose Reid. And Noah had moved on, he’d been with his current boyfriend for a few a months now.
They worked in a silence for a few more minutes.
“I made a lot of mistakes in my life,” Alison noted. “I caused a fire and let someone else take the blame. I was a screw up and made terrible choices. I’m sure you probably don’t know what’s that like. You’re a brilliant doctor, top in your field. You married Luke,” she noted with a smile.
Reid handed her the last dish. “He came to me with a business proposition. Telling me that the neuro wing I wanted would only get made if I married him.” He shook his head, quickly washed his hands one more time.
Alison watched the doctor for a moment. “You must have hated that.”
“Everything I wanted was right in front of me because of Luke. At the time, I believed he was the cause of all my problems. So if I were to marry him, it would be just another way for him to screw with my life somehow. But I only came to Oakdale because of him, and I got that wing because of him.” Reaching into his pocket, Reid pulled out his wedding ring and put it back on automatically.
“And now…” Reid’s voice trailed off. “You made mistakes? It’ll make you a better doctor,” he offered. “You learn from your mistakes.”
“I cheated on Casey, right before were supposed to get married. I think you were there,” she noted. “Katie’s date.”
The redhead nodded his head. The conversation was getting a little too personal. If he was going to talk to anyone, it would be Katie, but he remembered that Luke and Casey were on their way over there now.
“I still don’t know how he ever forgave me, and it took me a long to forgive myself,” Alison continued softly.
“Yeah, we’re all idiots when it comes to falling in love.”
Ali wanted to reach out and pat him on the shoulder but she knew better. “I never thought I was good enough for him and some days I keep waiting for him to figure that out.”
Reid looked at her for a moment.
“I know that we have all judged you, wondering how you could swoop in and steal Luke away from Noah.”
He snorted and shook his head. People never realized that Luke stole Reid from the life the doctor had carefully constructed for himself. He used to get warned about hurting Luke, but the young man held Reid’s heart in his hands from the day they got married.
“But even when Luke and Noah were happy, it still pales to how happy he is with you on any given day I have seen him,” Alison continued and Reid’s gaze never wavered. “Luke is crazy in love with you, and he might even give up the idea of having kids because of you. And I know you don’t want to tell me why, but you do need to tell Luke.”
*
“Are you going to be okay, man?” Casey asked. He and Luke had walked around the block twice, not going anywhere near Chris and Katie’s house.
Luke had just started walking, running his hands through his hair, his breath coming out in angry puffs. “He doesn’t want to have kids,” Luke finally said and stopped at the end of the street. “He just announced it to me last night. We were in bed and-”
Casey held up his hand. “I don’t need details.”
Luke shook his head. “It was… We were talking about the future, about Reid and…” His voice trailed off. He didn’t want to tell Casey about the Chief of Staff position because it could get back to Chris and Katie. “I asked him about our kids and he seemed so shocked, like we weren’t going to have any.”
“Yeah,” Casey admitted. “When Reid was talking to me about Ali and medical school, he mentioned that you guys weren’t planning to have kids. I was surprised when he told me.”
“I know, right?” Luke replied empathetically. “How could he not want kids?”
“No.” Casey shook his head, trying to track the conversation. Luke could be all over the place sometimes. “No, I was surprised that you had agreed not to have kids.”
Luke ran his fingers through his hair one more time, then jammed his hands into the front pockets of his pants. “We’ve never talked about it,” he whispered.
“What? Ali and I have been talking about it since we first started dating. How could you not-”
Luke chuckled softly. “Reid’s not the type to go around talking about his feelings. And the first few months of our marriage… I was so caught up in falling in love with him and letting go of Noah… Besides, Reid hates small talk.”
“Having kids isn’t small talk, Luke.”
The other man felt the lump in his throat grow. It had been there since last night. He had tried to ignore it, push it down, but it seemed to come back stronger and larger each time. “I never brought it up, I never told Reid because…” He tried to breathe. “I think I always suspected that Reid wouldn’t want to have kids, and I didn’t want to actually hear Reid say the words.”
“What are you going to do? I don’t really think this is something you can compromise on.” He looked at Luke, seeing the emotions-the fear and sadness-skitter across his friend’s face.
“I’m not really sure what we’re going to do, Case.”
“Are you guys going to break up?”
Luke’s mouth fell open. “What? No, Casey, Reid and I are forever,” he said resolutely. “You said it yourself, the moment I chose Reid, I cut off all possibility for me and Noah, but more than that, I cut off the possibility of me and anyone else. I love him, completely. I don’t know how, but I’m going to convince my husband that someday we’re going to have kids.”
===========================
Thank you for coming back and continuing to read this story. Also, bluemagicrose there was a convo between Reid and Ali, I hope you enjoyed it. :-) And yes, Luke and Reid will actually get a chance to discuss the topic of children. ~Ali
Onto Chapter Six...