one eyed dragon party time
Dear H,
Well, not a lot has changed. I still haven't heard from the dorms and Financial aid. I am still in the dark... The last few weeks have been intense to say the least. I would suppose my source of depression could be the school situation... I feel blank. I don't feel anything but sadness and mostly anger. Other than that, my thoughts are blank. I don't dream anymore. My medication is starting to not work again when it comes to sleeping. Day after day I find myself stuck. Everyone is constantly asking if I'm okay. I technique am okay. I'm fine, and I hate having people worry about me. Just sometimes I guess I wanna be alone... alone to feel sorry for myself. Alone to abuse myself. Alone to just think. To think about all those things I cut out from my memory. They all come swarming and it's overwhelming. So it affects me badly.
But I try to just act happy. I see those around me, and I act it out. I do have to admit that I feel some sense of normalcy when I'm with one of two people whom I consider my very good friends. It reminds me of the life that I did have, and still can have. My friends who I can open up too. I was surprised at how much I was able to talk the other night while driving. I've never really told that to others, and it felt weird to say it out loud. All I could say was how stupid I felt. Because it does make me feel stupid... but the fact that it was said and I didn't feel judged felt really good. I am going to miss those times the most if the college thing works out...
But I just feel shitty. My thoughts have darkened considerably. And I need something to help me just pull away from that type of thinking. I just want to be happy. I want to feel things normally. I want to be able to portray my true feelings of happiness, instead of just faking what I see around me.
ssdd
Well, not a lot has changed. I still haven't heard from the dorms and Financial aid. I am still in the dark... The last few weeks have been intense to say the least. I would suppose my source of depression could be the school situation... I feel blank. I don't feel anything but sadness and mostly anger. Other than that, my thoughts are blank. I don't dream anymore. My medication is starting to not work again when it comes to sleeping. Day after day I find myself stuck. Everyone is constantly asking if I'm okay. I technique am okay. I'm fine, and I hate having people worry about me. Just sometimes I guess I wanna be alone... alone to feel sorry for myself. Alone to abuse myself. Alone to just think. To think about all those things I cut out from my memory. They all come swarming and it's overwhelming. So it affects me badly.
But I try to just act happy. I see those around me, and I act it out. I do have to admit that I feel some sense of normalcy when I'm with one of two people whom I consider my very good friends. It reminds me of the life that I did have, and still can have. My friends who I can open up too. I was surprised at how much I was able to talk the other night while driving. I've never really told that to others, and it felt weird to say it out loud. All I could say was how stupid I felt. Because it does make me feel stupid... but the fact that it was said and I didn't feel judged felt really good. I am going to miss those times the most if the college thing works out...
But I just feel shitty. My thoughts have darkened considerably. And I need something to help me just pull away from that type of thinking. I just want to be happy. I want to feel things normally. I want to be able to portray my true feelings of happiness, instead of just faking what I see around me.
ssdd