Fic - For What It's Worth (20/25)
Title: For What It's Worth
Chapter: 20/25
Rating: M
Ship: James/Kendall, Logan/Camille, side Carlos/Dak, Carlos/Lucy, Jett/Mercedes, and Guitar Dude/Jennifers
Summary: AU. Kendall was a dancer when he was a kid, but when his dad unexpectedly passed away, he had to give it up. He becomes a bit of a stoner, and ends up in a little trouble, and his mother decides that she doesn't want her son living that life. So the Knights pick up and move all the way across the country, to L.A. That's where Kendall meets his cousin, Camille, her boyfriend, Logan, the wacky dresser and actor, Carlos, and, among them all, James. James is a ballet dancer with more ambition than Kendall's ever known. Though the two of them do not get along at first, James finally convinces Kendall to use his natural talent, rather than waste it, and they find each other as kindred spirits, and eventually, lovers. This doesn't come without difficulties. With James' ex-partner, Mercedes; the pompous actor-extraordinaire, Jett, and even Kendall's best friend, Joseph (Guitar Dude) getting in the way. But in may not be a person that come between them. It may be the actual thing that brings them together that splits them apart.
Artwork By:thilia
Beta: jblostfan16
Author's Note: This is my bigtimebang. Woo! I had been playing with this idea for awhile when this finally came around and then Cassie convinced me to do it. And it kinda got away from me. Lol! But anyway, I won't ramble. Strap in. It's a long ride.
Chapter Twenty
Kendall felt like he was walking on air. He had music coursing through his bones that kept him on pointe constantly. He practiced in his room alone, and with James when he could, and even when he was waiting in line for coffee with Joseph (and sometimes his Jennifer of the day.)
“Got a guy coming to hear me play tomorrow. Could be my shot at the big time, dude.”
“I hope you get it, man.”
“I’m freaking out. I need to score some pot soon so I’m relaxed when I get up there.”
“Joe, you don’t need it to play. You’re amazing. Give yourself a break.” That was where Joseph reminded Kendall the most of James. He had all the confidence in the world until he didn’t. When Kendall really thought about it, most performers seemed to. It was an odd anomaly that Kendall could never quite figure out. “You’re going to be fine.”
“Yeah, but what should I start with? Cover? Original? I don’t know man. I want to please the crowd and they like covers, but I want to do my own stuff too.”
“I’m sure you’ll figure it out.” Kendall smirked. “You gonna take Jennifer?”
“Uh, I don’t know. Which one?”
“Any of them I’m sure would be fine.”
“Yeah, well, we can’t all have romance novely relationships with our dance partners.”
“You don’t have either of those things.” Kendall laughed. Joe did too.
He ordered his coffee and made his way over to the window to wait on it. “Carlos headed off to Malibu this morning to whisk Dak Zevon off his feet. You’re gonna have to catch up soon, dude. We’re gonna all have to triple date without you.”
“Tell you what. You guys be three couples, and I’ll just bring three chicks.”
“Okay. You do that. I wonder how they’ll react.”
“Dude, they’re all best friends. I’m amazed they don’t all come out with me together already. They’re almost never apart.”
After a few minutes, they retrieved their coffee and headed for a table. “So,” Joseph asked. “Has James told his pops about you two yet?”
“Not yet.”
“Is he going to?”
“Yeah. I’m letting him take his time. It’s not really the easiest thing he’ll ever do.”
“True that.”
Kendall looked out the window, squinting his eyes at the sky. “Damn, it’s clouding up.”
“Yeah, it definitely looks like rain.”
…
It did rain. It was coming down in buckets by evening. The entire world turned gray, drowning under the downpour. He was thinking about calling James. The house was empty and it was chilly outside. He thought it might be a good night to curl up with James and sleep the night away.
Or not. They could do other stuff too. He was totally up for that.
But then his phone rang. He pushed it up to his hear.
“Carlos! How’s my favorite little monster?”
“Hey, er…” Carlos’ voice was fuzzy on the other end. “My car broke down just outside of the city. Could you maybe… uh… come get me? Please?”
Kendall raised an eyebrow. “Why didn’t you call a tow truck?”
“Oh, um. I don’t have any data on my phone right now. Can’t get a number. If you’re busy, it’s cool…” There was something unsettling about Carlos’ voice.
“Where are you? I’ll be there as soon as I can.”
When Kendall finally pulled up, he saw Carlos’ silhouette against the white lights of his headlights. He had his arms crossed and his head down. Kendall ducked out of the front seat of the car and ran over to Carlos, puddles splashing around his feet. He was already soaked through when he reached the smaller boy.
“Hey, what’s wrong with your car? Why are you standing out here?”
The damn thing was running fine from what Kendall could see. The one that looked far from fine was the boy leaning against it.
When Carlos lifted his head, Kendall knew something was up. He’d never seen such a devastated expression on his face. Actually, Kendall had never seen Carlos sad before.
“Thanks for coming… I’m sorry you’re all wet.”
“You’re all wet too. Dude, are you okay?”
Carlos’ eyes welled with tears and he bowed his head. “I’m so stupid!” he yelled suddenly, stomping his foot against the pavement. “I’m so fucking stupid…”
“What happened? What-“
“He lied. He lied.”
“Who lied?”
Carlos sobbed running his wet jacket sleeves over his face. “Dak…” The word left his lips like a shudder. “He… he said all these things. Every time we spoke, he said such nice things… but he didn’t mean them. He didn’t mean them, Kendall.”
Carlos threw himself into Kendall’s chest. “It’s not fair! He did everything but laugh in my face. He told me I took him… took him way too seriously. That he wasn’t looking for anything like that. He doesn’t even… he doesn’t even care about me. He told me he wasn’t interested in me at all… but… but I thought he was! I thought he was! It’s not fair! I…” Carlos shuddered against Kendall’s chest. “…I’ll never come first for anyone… will I?”
“That’s not true, Carlos-“
“Don’t lie. Please. I can’t have someone else lie to me today. I can’t.” Carlos pulled back and paced a little, all flustered energy and tears. “It sucks, you know? I try so hard, but it’s never good enough! Everyone’s like, oh, that’s fine. Carlos is fine. He’ll be fine. Well I’m not fine, Kendall! I’m tired of putting my all into something and then never getting it! I’m sick and tired of dreaming and dreaming and dreaming and not getting one fucking result!” He collapsed into another fit of tears, leaning against the vehicle with his head in his hands. “I just want one yes. Just one. I need someone to tell me that all of this matters, that I’m not kidding myself.”
“You’re not.”
Carlos looked up at Kendall, and Kendall’s heart shattered. “Well, I feel like I am. I feel like everybody’s just been lying to me all this time, telling me that, yeah, I’m a great actor, and yeah, I’m a great musician, and yeah, I’ll totally find someone that appreciates that and loves me for it. Maybe it’s all shit. Maybe I’m completely delusional. Did you ever think that? Maybe I’m not… I’m not cut out for this. Maybe no one’s going to look at me and see… I don’t know. Someone worthwhile.”
“Carlos…”
Carlos slid down the car and sat on the ground, weeping openly. “I just keep thinking that… maybe if I was a little bit better… someone would actually like me.”
“Everyone likes you, Carlos.”
“Yeah, of course they do. Everyone likes me. Everyone loves for me to make them happy. And I love doing that too. But when it really comes down to it, it’s so easy for them to just… I don’t know. Forget about me. That I actually have feelings besides being so freakin’ happy all the time, y’know? Yeah, Carlos. He’s that nice guy in everyone’s class; the guy that will do anything for you. Is he dating material though? Nah, someone will make him really happy one day, though. He’s a total catch. Just… not for anyone in his immediate vicinity. Besides, he’s so happy, I’m sure he can handle heartbreak just fine, especially if it’s over and over and over.” Carlos looked like he wanted to sink into the ground. “I’m supposed to make someone really happy someday? When is someone going to make me happy, Kendall? I’m trying so hard… it just doesn’t seem to make a difference. When’s it going to be my turn?...”
Kendall sat down next to Carlos and put an arm around him, pulling him close. “I wish I could tell you something to make you feel better, Carlos… But I don’t think you’d believe me, even if I told you the truth.” He rubbed Carlos’ arm. “But look. You’re young. We all are. Things aren’t always going to go our way, but we have to keep trying. You’re an actor, man. You’ve been taking rejection forever. Of course these things are going to build up once in a while. It’s frustrating and scary, and you think you’re going to end up some sort of statistic, but you have to have confidence that you won’t.”
Carlos sniffed. “I’m so tired.”
“I know. Be tired. Be angry. Be upset. But don’t stop doing what you do, Carlos. You’re an amazing actor and performer, and you’re one of the best people I’ve ever met. Please don’t let other people that aren’t as good as you ruin you. Don’t let them bring you down to their level. Because you’re so much better than that. And I know that you don’t want to hear this right now but… someone out there is going to see that. Someone that will love you like you deserve. In the meantime, you’ll just have to settle for us, hm?” Kendall smiled at him softly. “You’re constantly making me want to be a better person, Carlos. You’re nice to people who don’t deserve it, and you take a lot of crap. But it’s what makes you so sweet and kind and strong. Because you rise above that. You’re so much more of a man than I am for doing that.”
Carlos leaned into Kendall and closed his eyes, sniffling. “Do you really think that?”
“Of course I do. I’m never gonna lie to you, man. I mean… you literally took my hand and dragged me into this city and showed me everything was okay. You’re my best friend, Carlos.”
“I’m sorry I made you come out here…” Carlos coughed a little. “My car works fine.”
“Don’t feel bad about it, man. I’m here for you, whatever you need.” Kendall helped Carlos up. “Tell you what. Let me take you home. We can dry off and then go out and do whatever you want.”
“Kendall?”
“Yeah?”
Carlos rubbed his eyes, looking still like a kicked puppy, but at least he had a little more resolve. “Can we… can we make a fort and watch movies? My dad and I did it all the time when I was little.”
“Yeah. We can definitely do that.”
Carlos threw his arms around Kendall and squeezed. Kendall squeezed back and vowed that he would never let someone hurt Carlos like that again. Not if he could help it.
…
Carlos was completely different the next day, bright and cheery and very like his old self. But he didn’t mention Dak once. It was like he’d completely erased him from his memories. Kendall knew better. Dak Zevon had almost broken Carlos. And Kendall would never forgive him for that. Carlos was too special, too important to break. Kendall knew if he ever saw Dak Zevon again, the kid would definitely not walk away with his teeth. Or probably any other bones for that matter. They walked into school together, Carlos humming showtunes under his breath.
Kendall had learned to decipher them over time, but only until that day did he realize he could match them to Carlos’ mood underneath. That day, he was humming “On My Own.” He was still sad. And whether or not he pretended Dak existed, he definitely did, and Carlos was still totally thinking about him.
But heartbreak took time to get over. Kendall was going to be supportive, but he didn’t want to uncover any fresh wounds before they had the chance to heal.
“Hey, where’s James?” Carlos asked, lingering outside the dance room.
Kendall looked around. “Huh. He must not be here yet. He’s probably just running late. You don’t want to do the same. Beat it. I’ll wait for him here.”
“Kay. Oh, uh, Kendall?”
“Yeah?”
“Thanks. For everything.”
“You’re welcome. Go act your pants off.”
Carlos laughed. “Careful. I might actually take them off.”
James was late for class, but otherwise in good spirits.
“Sorry I’m late,” James said, throwing his leg up on the barre next to Kendall and stretching. “That asshole Stetson had some sort of bone to pick with me for some reason.”
“Didn’t catch why?”
“Nope. I had my headphones in. It was all gibberish until he threw me against a locker and threatened me. Not really sure what I did.”
“Eh. Guy’s a pussy. He won’t do anything.”
“I know. God forbid he breaks a nail, right?”
They laughed.
“Hey, I didn’t hear from you last night. I tried calling.”
“Yeah,” Kendall admitted. “I was going to call, I promise. But… some stuff came up. I don’t know if I’m really at liberty to discuss it to be honest.”
“That’s fine. No worries.” James started stretching his other leg. “I’ve got some great ideas for our next project.”
“I’ve got some great ideas too,” Kendall grinned at James, waggling his eyebrows.
James rolled his eyes good-naturedly. “Really, Kendall?”
“Hey, you’re the one getting all flexible in front of me. I can’t help where my mind goes.”
James blushed. “Kendall.”
“I am just saying that I’ve seen you naked enough that I always see you naked.”
“So glad to be the object of your affections, babe.”
Kendall was glad no one was listening. It was more fun when James had to worry about it whilst no one actually cared. He figured half the class had already assumed they were fucking long before they actually were anyway.
“Hey, you want to go see Joseph play tonight? I have free tickets.”
“Yeah, sounds awesome.”
Before James took to the floor to begin the exercises of the day, he turned to Kendall. “Hey, uh… Carlos is okay, right?”
Kendall blinked. “Y-yeah. Why?”
“Well, wasn’t he going to spill his guts to Dak? How’d that go? Do you know?”
Kendall frowned. “…Not so well.”
James sighed. “That sucks.”
“Yeah,” Kendall said. “Heartbreak blows.”
…
Kendall was fairly certain that Joe was not old enough to be playing in the club he’d booked. He was even more so when Carlos whipped out a bunch of fake IDs for them to use to get inside.
“Stop panicking. I had these made by a friend in the prop department. They’re the closest thing to legit you’ll ever get.”
Kendall glared at the little piece of plastic, shifting it through his fingers like he was waiting for it to disintegrate or set off an alarm or something.
“Are you sure?”
“Kendall, don’t be such a stick in the mud,” Camille laughed. “Trust me, they’re good.”
Kendall pouted at Camille. “You get on to me for smoking weed and you’re a total bad girl.”
“I prefer being in full control of my mental faculties.”
“Unless you’re wasted.”
“That was like. One time.”
“So far.”
“Shut up.”
Kendall was in a good mood. He had his fingers laced with James’ and had an entire evening planned. Carlos had lightened up considerably. He wasn’t even humming sad showtunes, though his shoulders did slump a little bit more than Kendall was used to. He swung an arm over Carlos’ shoulders and pulled him in tight.
“You okay, dude?”
“Yeah, fine,” Carlos answered quickly, and then dropped it.
Kendall felt like he’d witnessed a world wonder. Carlos came off as so emotional and sweet, but when it really came down to it - he was a control freak. It was like he didn’t want anyone else to ever see him crack at the seams. He put his actor-face on, adjusted it to the situation, a mask. Kendall wondered if anyone else had ever seen Carlos angry or sad - actually angry or sad, not playing it in a show.
He didn’t want to ask.
They got into the place with relatively no issue. Kendall was surprised. But when he looked around, he saw a lot of younger looking kids - Hollywood elite types that could pay their way in without issue. The place was a hip joint, a little bit smoky with expensive alcohol behind a lit up bar. Joseph was tuning his guitar on stage, testing the mic and the amplifier. He waved at the group as they all made their way to a table close to the stage, and Kendall peered around the crowd, trying to find the bigwigs that were apparently there to hear Joe play. But everyone looked like bigwigs and Kendall felt massively out of place.
But then Joe started to play, and James entangled his fingers with Kendall’s again, and Kendall didn’t want to be anywhere else in the world.