Fic - For What It's Worth (21/25)
Title: For What It's Worth
Chapter: 21/25
Rating: M
Ship: James/Kendall, Logan/Camille, side Carlos/Dak, Carlos/Lucy, Jett/Mercedes, and Guitar Dude/Jennifers
Summary: AU. Kendall was a dancer when he was a kid, but when his dad unexpectedly passed away, he had to give it up. He becomes a bit of a stoner, and ends up in a little trouble, and his mother decides that she doesn't want her son living that life. So the Knights pick up and move all the way across the country, to L.A. That's where Kendall meets his cousin, Camille, her boyfriend, Logan, the wacky dresser and actor, Carlos, and, among them all, James. James is a ballet dancer with more ambition than Kendall's ever known. Though the two of them do not get along at first, James finally convinces Kendall to use his natural talent, rather than waste it, and they find each other as kindred spirits, and eventually, lovers. This doesn't come without difficulties. With James' ex-partner, Mercedes; the pompous actor-extraordinaire, Jett, and even Kendall's best friend, Joseph (Guitar Dude) getting in the way. But in may not be a person that come between them. It may be the actual thing that brings them together that splits them apart.
Artwork By:thilia
Beta: jblostfan16
Author's Note: This is my bigtimebang. Woo! I had been playing with this idea for awhile when this finally came around and then Cassie convinced me to do it. And it kinda got away from me. Lol! But anyway, I won't ramble. Strap in. It's a long ride.
Chapter Twenty-One
Kendall was proud. That was an understatement. In the time that Kendall and Joe had been away from each other, he had cranked out writing that absolutely wowed him. Sure, he was aware that some of the lonely, lilting melodies and lyrics were partially inspired by him, but that didn’t make them any less amazing. And when his set was over and the crowd applauded, damn - that was what real passion, real love looked like. Kendall knew that Joe had made the right decision. He didn’t have to go to school or play the cello. Pure, unadulterated passion put him heads above the rest.
It did the same for James. And Carlos. Hell, even for Camille and Logan.
Kendall suddenly felt extremely ordinary, a human among gods. Almost like he didn’t deserve to sit among them. Because, yeah, when he really thought about it, he wasn’t extremely passionate about dance. There was only one thing he was really all that passionate about.
Kendall fiddled with James’ promise ring on his finger, feeling the cold metal rub under his thumb. He hadn’t danced for years before he came to California. And then James had forced him to use his talent. And then he’d longed for James’ companionship. And then he’d fallen for James. He really hadn’t had any time to even come to terms on what he was doing. When he really thought about it, he still didn’t feel all that strongly for dancing. Not that he hated it. But he didn’t love it. He didn’t understand that ferocity in James’ eyes, that constant struggle to be better that Carlos had allowed to devastate him into a withering heap on wet pavement. He’d never felt it.
Hell, when he was a kid, his dad was always so supportive. And dance was fun. He loved how much his dad put into it to make sure he had as much fun as possible. He’d told his dad that he wanted to be a dancer when he grew up. But he was a kid. Kid’s decided to be superheroes and fairy princesses too. They picked their futures based on what was the most fun. Dancing was the most fun for Kendall. If his dad had taken him to the go-kart track, he probably would’ve wanted to be a racecar driver. He felt more for people than he ever did for activities. After all, he’d spent plenty of years being motionless in Joe’s bedroom too, just because he liked the company.
Maybe he just hated being alone more than anything else. It was easy to give up dance after his dad left, not just because they didn’t have the money, but because going there reminded him his dad was gone. He wasn’t going to get the hug goodbye before class, the little ruffle of his hair, none of that. It was over. And that hurt way more than not dancing.
“Hey, Kendall. Hello? Babe?” James waved his hand in front of Kendall’s eyes.
He blinked. “Hm?”
“You’re a million miles away. Everything okay?”
Kendall nodded, taking a page out of Carlos’ book. “Yeah, I’m fine.”
Joe got a couple of business cards. A couple of agents looked at him with dollar signs in their eyes. Kendall was excited for him. One of the Jennifers - Kendall still wasn’t sure which one Joe saw more often or if it was an even match between them all - hooked on his arm on the way out, and their merry little group stalked the sun-bleached sidewalks until the early hours of the morning. It was really an amazing evening, fellows dropping off to their own homes. It dwindled down to just James and Carlos and Kendall, traipsing upward toward the school grounds. Carlos had slowed significantly, partly because of alcohol, but Kendall could see Dak’s betrayal weighing heavy on his shoulders.
“Uhhh… I think I’m gonna head home,” Carlos said softly, breaking away from them. He was the only one that had gone stag that night. “I’ll see you guys around.”
“Carlos, you don’t have to leave. You’re not third wheel or anything-“ Kendall started.
“Y-yeah, I know. I know.” Carlos put on his best smile, but at the late hour, it cracked a little. “It’s okay. I’ll be fine.” He shuffled his feet a little. “Just… you guys be careful okay? I have a bad feeling.”
Kendall looked at Carlos. He hadn’t even realized that it was the plainest he’d ever dressed. Carlos looked drab. That worried him.
“Carlos…”
“I’m okay,” Carlos said again.
“Let us walk you home at least?” James finally cut in. “Or we can all go up to my dorm-“
“I love you guys,” Carlos said. “But seriously? I’m fine.” He sighed. “It sucks being alone. But do you know what I have? Besides you guys?”
Carlos pulled out his headphones and held them like they were golden trophies in his hand. “Elphaba.”
“Elpha-what?” Kendall raised his eyebrows.
Carlos jumped into a chorus of “Defying Gravity,” even though he was certainly disturbing neighbors, and headed for the sidewalk with all the flare and emotion that Kendall knew to usually come from him. He puffed his chest and wailed, bellowing the notes to the night, to anyone who might be listening.
And if I’m flying solo, at least I’m flying freeeeee!
“He is something,” James mused, shaking his head at the disappearing silhouette, still belting out notes to the pavement.
“He is.” Kendall sighed, leaning into James’ side. “Do you really think he’ll be okay?”
“I think he’ll show up everyone in the long run. And he definitely deserves to. You know what they say, fifty percent pleasure; a hundred percent pain.”
“Is it really worth that? I mean…. You guys look in the mirror and tell yourselves how awful you are. You focus on every single flaw. You try so hard to be absolutely perfect. And when you don’t reach your goals, you get knocked way down. And at the same time, you’re getting bombarded by people telling you everything they think is wrong with you. I don’t know how you do it.”
“It is worth it. Because… it means something. I don’t want it to be perfect for the sake of being perfect.” James looked out over the empty campus, the moonlight leaving silver spots on his cheeks, bleeding through the leaves on the trees. “I want it to be perfect because it’s something I care about so much. It means everything to me. I’m not about to do anything less than the best.”
Kendall wished he felt that strongly. Hearing James speak, he wasn’t moved at the idea of perfecting the art. He was moved that James’ love for it was so strong. He kissed James gently, felt James smile into his mouth as he wrapped his arms around his neck. His body was so tired and heavy, but the second he kissed James, he felt like he was floating on air again, like he could climb mountains and skydive and dance until it was perfect-perfect, just like James wanted. Then, James was grabbing him by the hand and tugging him up the stairs behind him, up, up, up to his room, where they toppled through his doorway, limbs tangling in their own little choreography. Kendall fell back on James’ bed with a sigh, pulling the other boy with him.
“I love you.” He breathed the words into James with ease.
They buried themselves under James’ covers and fucked until their bodies were too tired to keep going, and they fell asleep in each other’s arms.
It felt great. Kendall never wanted it to end.
…
Kendall woke up to the sun on his face, and James sitting up in the bed next to him, staring at his phone.
His face was stark white.
“James?” Kendall asked sleepily.
James never looked up from the screen. “I got a text this morning… Mercedes says she knows our secret and she’s going to tell my dad.”
Kendall’s heart plummeted.
“Wh-what? What are we going to do?” Kendall sat up so quickly that his vision blurred for a moment. He could hear his heartbeat in his ears. “Why is she-“
“She told me she wouldn’t if I… if I was her boyfriend again,” James said, dropping the phone on the bed and looking nauseous. “I didn’t want to tell him until the end of the school year, Kendall. He’s going to make me stop dancing, Kendall. He’s-“ James ran his hands though his hair. “What do I do?!”
Kendall had no idea. He wrapped his arms around James and pulled him close. “I won’t let him stop you, James. I won’t.” How he was going to prevent that was still a mystery, but he was tired of running and tired of trying to please everyone. “We’ll figure out something.”
James started to cry. Kendall could feel the tears on his neck and the soft shudders of James’ body. “Kendall… I’m gonna lose my dad. I’m gonna lose my dad.”
…
Kendall walked fast. He couldn’t stop the blood from pumping in his veins, the breath shallow in his chest. His entire world had been uprooted in one foul swoop and he was left a little dumbfounded at it all. James was hot on his heels, still on the phone with his mom.
“Yeah, mom, I know he knows, but he doesn’t want to believe it. If I come out with it now, he’s going to fucking destroy me!... No, mom. He’s totally capable. He said he was going to make me stop dancing if I didn’t drop Kendall immediately. I’m pretty sure if he finds out that he’s my boyfriend, he’ll---“ James huffed. “Yes, mom. He’s my boyfriend. No, I don’t really want to try to arrange a meeting right now! I’m kind of in the middle of a crisis!”
Kendall’s phone buzzed then, and Kendall pushed it to his ear. “Hello?”
“Hey.” It was Carlos. “I have a question.” He sounded a little lost.
Kendall grimaced at James, who was still shouting into his phone. “What is it?”
“Is there… is there any reason Jett Stetson cornered me this morning and… beat me up?”
Kendall froze. “What?!”
“No, no, I mean. I’m okay. I fought back. I mean, let’s be honest. Dude’s kind of a pansy. But I am too, so it was a really pathetic fight-“
“Carlos-“
“So um. He had these two dudes with him. In suits. And sunglasses. They were like the Men In Black, I swear to God. And Mercedes was there.”
There was a pause. Kendall got flustered quickly. “And?!”
“Oh, I thought you were gonna stop me. Anyway, Jett and the two guys kinda held me up against the wall, commanding that I tell them the truth about you guys…”
Kendall slumped a little. “What did you tell them?”
“I told them… to talk to someone who gave a fuck.” Another pause. “Kendall, if I could fly like Elphaba, my life would be so much more convenient. Yeah, Jett’s a pansy but the other guys beat the crap out of me.”
“Are you okay? Where are you?”
“I’m fine, I’m fine. This glorious lady with red streaks in her hair came to save me.”
“What?”
“It was like she was Sid Vicious. But a girl. A pretty girl.”
Suddenly, another voice came on the phone. “Look, dude, I don’t know what’s going on, but I think you’re friend’s a little punch drunk and you might want to come get him. I’ve got guitar lessons in ten minutes.”
Kendall huffed, a little unsure. “Okay, thanks…”
He hung up and looked over at James, who had pretty much ended his call to his mother in frustration.
“She says that I need to tell my dad and that he’s an asshole if he doesn’t accept me.”
“O…kay.” Kendall grimaced. He remembered giving similar advice.
“Well that’s easy for her to say from miles away!” James ran his hands down his face. “How the fuck did she find out? She’s never around us except in class. Jesus Christ.”
“Yeah, but her dad’s Arthur Griffin. She’s got eyes all over this fucking city, James. Hell, I’m sure she’s got your room bugged or something.”
“Please don’t say that. If she’s going to tell my dad I’m gay, I certainly don’t want her doing it by playing him audio of our escapades.” James sighed. “What did Carlos want.”
“He said that Jett, Mercedes, and two goons totally beat the crap out of him trying to find out about us. She’s gone on the serious offensive. James, you gotta talk to her. We have to do some damage control.”
“No.”
Kendall’s eyes widened. “No?”
“If I tell my dad myself then she has nothing to go on.” James put on a brave face, but Kendall knew better. He was shaking in his shoes. “I’m gonna go talk to him. Go make sure Carlos is okay. And call Camille and Logan and Joe and make sure they don’t get rounded up by Griffin’s crazy squad.”
“Okay,” Kendall said. “Also, I’m gonna beat the shit out of Jett Stetson.” He looked at James. “You’re gonna be alright?”
James frowned. “I’m going to try.”
…
“Dude, she was like… a goddess from rock heaven. I’ve never seen anyone like her before. Crazy colors in her hair, eyeliner…. She’s just like me!”
“Uhh, not quite. Carlos, don’t you think it’s a little soon to be rebounding on some chick that got a couple of punks to leave you alone?”
“I think she’s a superhero or something.”
Kendall put the icepack back on the fairly obtrusive knot on Carlos’ head. “Dude.”
“I think she said her name was Lucy. And I think she also mentioned she had a brother. Who’s a drummer. A hot drummer.”
“She said he was hot?”
“No, I just assumed.”
“Where’d she go?”
“She said she had guitar lessons.”
“So she takes lessons here at the school?”
“No, dude. She gives them. A musical genius.” Carlos sighed, content, and, yes, as the apparently-darling Lucy had said, a little punch-drunk.
It was cute though, oddly enough. He was a little bruised, a little broken, but recovering in the only way he knew how - living in fantasy. He was like a little kid. Kendall was actually kind of happy just to see a genuine smile on Carlos’ face.
“Where’d Jett take off to?”
“I don’t know. Lucy scared Jett off. She said something like she was gonna rip off his nutsack and shove it down his throat so he could actually fuck himself. It was really vulgar and awesome.”
Kendall had a feeling he’d like Lucy a lot.
“And the rest?”
“Mercedes got all irritated and took off, taking her alien-fighters with her, man. I don’t know what’s going on. It’s like she’s determined to destroy everything James has fought for.”
“She’s not going to,” Kendall said. “I won’t let her.”
Carlos leaned into Kendall’s shoulder, closing his eyes. “I’m glad you love him so much.” There was that twinge of hurt again in Carlos’ voice. Kendall was becoming more and more certain that Dak Zevon had not been the only one to break Carlos’ heart in the past few months.
He sat there and wondered if James had gone through with it or chickened out. He’d been running for a good portion of his life from who he was, just in hopes of impressing his father. He’d given up everything for dance. He hadn’t been willing to do that for a person yet. Which, yeah, that was a lot of pressure for anyone. But James’ dad came between him and everything he ever wanted. Eventually, he was going to have to climb over that wall. Mercedes had just forced his hand.
Mercedes had a right to be angry. James had broken her heart. He had cheated on her, even. Played her like his own little puppet to please the opposing force that was his father. Kendall wanted to talk to her, make her understand that James didn’t mean to hurt her, he didn’t…
Kendall couldn’t make excuses for James, no matter how much he loved him.
He took Carlos home to a very concerned mother who started babying him immediately. Then, he went to look for Mercedes.
He found her in the dance hall. Kendall fought back fuzzy memories of James grinding him against the barre. She was practicing her technique and making a very strong effort of pretending Kendall didn’t exist.
“Mercedes…”
“Go away. I’m busy,” she said with that same air of snootiness that Kendall was used to.
“I know what you’re doing, and it’s not gonna fly by me. James has gone to tell his dad himself. You don’t have a card to play.”
She scoffed, never breaking form. “My father is one of the richest men in the country. I get what I want when I want it. And I want James.”
“But he doesn’t want you, Mercedes!” Kendall argued. “James is gay. That’s just the way it is.”
“James is also the son of one of the highest ranking business owners in the country as well. And frankly, the merger that would come from my marrying him is too sweet to turn down.”
Mercedes finally stopped, turning to look at Kendall with malice in her eyes. “I knew that you two were fucking around way before he broke up with me, you know. You think this is all about me getting all Taylor Swift of him leaving me? Please.This was never about love, you dolt. It’s business. And I run a good one.”
Kendall’s stomach plummeted into a pit of poisonous hatred. He felt it creep up his skin like insects, turning his features ugly and his eyes dark. “You can’t have him.”
“Well, once his dad’s out of the picture, all that’s left is mummy. All I have to do is make a few phone calls. I’m pretty sure she’ll come around to my side.”
“She won’t. She loves James.”
“She let James come all the way out here. By himself. And she never paid him a dime even though she’s one of the richest women in the country? Yeah. Doubt it. She takes his side because she feels guilty, or because he’ll make a good model for her one day, or something like that. Have you met her yet?”
“N-no. But she wants to meet me…”
“James’ dad told me everything about that hag. She’s kept all the money to herself and watched James fail over and over again. She’s not going to say no to this merger.”
“This isn’t the fucking middle ages. Parents can’t just marry off their kids for business!”
“Get over yourself. You’re not going to win this fight.”
Kendall clenched his jaw. “I may not have money, but I have plenty of heart.”
“Oh, and where’d you get that? A baseball movie? Some charming dad character with a stubbled jaw tells that to his son? Hm?”
That stung.
“You’ve already lost, Mercedes. You have. Because if you took anything James’ dad said about his mom seriously, then you’ve definitely got your facts mixed up.”
Kendall wasn’t so sure. James’ mom seemed to support him to a degree, but there were also some fishy details that Mercedes had brought up. Regardless, Kendall stood steadfast.
“Whatever.” Mercedes went back to technique. “When you’re crying to your mommy, don’t say I didn’t tell you so.”
Kendall didn’t want to hear anymore. He stopped in the doorway and looked back. “Does it suck, Mercedes?”
“What?”
“To have me one-up you in pretty much every way without having the money to fall back on. I would think it does.” He made his exit, infuriated.
…
James was waiting for him when he got back to the dorm, sitting on the bed with his fingers knotted in front of him, staring at the wall.
Kendall waited for a response. He didn’t say a word.
“It feels like…” James started. “It feels like he’s died.”
“What?”
“I mean. I’m never going to see him again. Never going to hear his voice, see him smile, hear his laugh. He’s just… poof. Gone. Just like that.” James’ voice was raw with tears. Kendall could see them gathering in his eyes. “And the worst part is… I’m never going to know if he’s proud of me. Of all the work I’ve done. The things I’ve accomplished. I’m never going to know that because he’s not willing to budge.”
“So… you told him.” Kendall felt the need to state the obvious.
James rubbed at his eyes. “I told him. Then I told him to leave. Then I told him to never come back.”
There was a long silence where James got up and milled about the room, rubbing furiously at the tears that kept making his way down his cheeks.
“The worst fucking part about this… this business, if you can call it that, is that you are shaped and molded for people to tell you they hate you. You have to give up everything, all for your art. And every fucking day. Every single fucking day, you look in the mirror, and all you see… you see flaws.” James knocked his mirror off the wall, it landing with a thud against the carpet, a spider web of cracks making their way across the surface. “I thought… I thought if he would like me. Just a little bit. Maybe I would like me too… but I don’t.”
“James…” Kendall’s heart ached. He wanted to make James feel like he was a king among kings, but he didn’t even know where to begin.
James shook his head. “I’m never going to like myself until I can… prove to myself what I’m worth.” He choked on a sob. “I’ve got so much to do…”
“Did he try to make you quit, James?”
“I didn’t let him try. You asked me if it’s all worth it last night. It is, Kendall…. I can’t explain to you why, but it is. You can ask any of these kids that are passionate about it. They’ll never quit. They’ll let the world destroy them before they quit.”
Kendall did understand. And he couldn’t believe it. But for the first time, looking at James, completely broken, but still standing, he understood. He knew what it felt like want something so bad, but not be able to acquire it. James’ happiness….
“I’m sorry, James,” Kendall said, overwhelmed with guilt. “I shouldn’t have let you make that promise. I should’ve been more discreet when we were out. I should’ve-“
James threw his arms around Kendall and buried his face in his neck. “Don’t apologize. Please, don’t fucking apologize. I love you, okay? I love you, I love you, I love you.”
Kendall held James for what felt like eternities, just standing there in his dorm room.
“I love you too.”
Understatement of the year.