Back to real entries
Idol is over. Jordin won. I'm indifferent.
So this semester was long. Microeconomics & Statistics kept me pretty busy learning things I really care NOTHING about. Writer's workshop gave me a boost of confidence in my writing. Intense? Oh yes. But also completely worth it. I found something that I can aim my free time to working on...making a solid collection of poems. I just hope that one day I can get it off the ground and get it published. I guess it's a dream of mine to get something I wrote turned into a book, but that seems like just a superficial way of making myself feel validated as a productive human being. I also took a Lit class this semester that I don't feel like talking about. I got the same grades I got last semester (A, A-, B+, B) and I am pleased considering I got like a four on my statistics final.
so yeah, semester went by ok. Something has been up with me the past few months...anxiety is reaching some sort of new high for me (and I am totally aware how self-pitying that sounds)...problems with my car (and my lack of any real desire to fix them) has been at the head of it all...tied in with the ever constant worrying over money plus small problems with friends and Chris...same old problems...nothing different than before, only now I feel like a child for trying to avoid problems that really aren't that big of a deal. I build these things up in my head and basically scare myself into not wanting to deal with them at all.
Right now, it's 2 in the morning. I feel like writing, but am kinda dry of ideas at the moment. I didn't win the Peter Wood award I entered for...I didn't think I would, but I'll just try next year when I'm a senior. I have some great lines running through my head but no real basis for them to exist in. I want to just get my stuff out there but have quite literally NO real understanding of how to get something legitimately published, I feel kinda lost in it all.
I didn't get the internship at the Princeton Packet that I wanted...kinda bummed for awhile and driven to do a lot of extra indepedent projects over the summer to compensate. PopMatters.com is something I'm looking at and I am currently looking to apply as a music critic for them. Craig's List is leaving me high and dry for other things to get involved with and its becoming more and more apparent to me that the job market is more competitive than I ever imagined.
So therefor...no internship=another summer spent at the restaurant...which may sound initially quite nauseating, is actually quite fine with me. It pays the bills (and then some) and provides me with tons of free eats which then equates to less money having to be spent on groceries. I've really gotten comfortable with it (I better be after 5 fucking years) and for once I have really felt respected there. I enjoy waiting tables...does that make me strange?
And while I am reasonably content with spending my summer in the air conditioned bliss of the B. Moon, I have to admit that I am still looking for something more. It just seems like a kind of empty summer. When people are on vacations or going to parties or doing this/that/everything between...I will be working, and then sleeping. As mentioned before...no problem with working, but I feel that I am missing so much because of it. Not like specific dates or things, but just missing out on potential experiences. Only another year and I will be out of school and into (holy fucking balls) the real world. I must admit that I am intimidated. It's like...we're programmed to know school and only school for 13 straight years...and then another 4 with college...and graduation comes and bam motherfucker...you're out in the world and you better know how to handle insurance and bills and loans and rents and every other responsibility that fails to be explained or warned of in all our collegiate classes.
Oh boo-hoo...I'm a whiney bitch. Things work out as everyone says and I should know by now that I let my pessimistic outlook on things often times cloud my vision. But even with that in mind, I can't help but think that there is something that just isn't right. And what scares me even more than trying to figure out what that thing is...is that I might know what it is, and am just too scared to face it. Sorry my dear LiveJournal...I too thought the overly reflective entries (reminiscent of overly dramatic high school drama) were over. Guess I was wrong.
I need to get drunk more...who's with me?