This is the DANGER ZONE.
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Sooo...after the double-whamy (and quite predictable) outer of Chris and Phil, we are down to the final four. The final four that everyone knew would be the final four. The final four that People magazine gave full-page spreads for (while the other 8 asshole losers got only little blurps). The final four that actually deserve to be there (I am cringing in admitting that Blake may actually be rightfully there due to his originality).
Anyway...tonight is Bee-Gee's night, which actually seems like a pretty cool theme. Not as boring as Diana Ross night, and not as all over the place like Gwen Stefani/No Doubt/Songs-Gwen-Likes-Night. The video opens up pimping these weeks guest mentor Barry Gibb. We are told that he is awesome and that he has worked with a bunch of crazy old ladies (Diana Ross, Celine Dion & Barbara Streisand). Then the video opens to Gibb and the idols singing that "How Deep is Your Love" song that Blake, Chris Sligh, Rudy "Free Ride" Cardenra and that gay guy that's friends with Sanjaya's sister sang in Hollywood Week...possibly the ONLY time that I found Blake's beat-boxing entertaining. (SEE ABOVE VIDEO)
Gibb is pretty freaky looking. It's ok though. He said that he is excited to work with the three girls and kind of ignores Blake. He then says that they all sound great together and proceeds to go on and on about how awesome it is to collaborate...the whole time Melinda is thinking: "yeah, I'm done being the background singer", LaKisha's thinking "This ain't no Destiny's Child...It's just Beyoncé, bitch," Jordin is thinking "Well, I guess it would be fun to be in a group together <3 <3 <3" and Blake is all like "Meeeeeeeh...I can beat-box...WEEEEEEEEEEE."
Whatever...they're each singing two songs tonite, so let's get this bullshit on the road. First up issssssss...
Melinda DoLots
She is singing some song called "Love You Inside and Out" and Barry says it's weird cuz...the song title is quite blatantly sexual, and Melinda has basically no sexuality...oh no, it's weird cuz it's a falsetto song...whatever...my reasoning was better. She sounds pretty awesome though...very smooth and kind of jazzy. Melinda says that her goal tonight is to take a song originally done by a group and make it work as a solo joint...um, sorry Melinda, but FUCKING DUH! Everyone is singing a Bee-Gee's song tonite.
The perfomance starts, and right from the get-go, it's really strange. It doesn't seem to have any real soul to it. Melinda seems almost constrained by the song itself. She starts to get funky in the bridge, but then she just gets to be almost TOO much for the song. She is wearing some black outfit that makes her torso look really small. She has some ugly ass bracelets on too.
Randy thought it was "good" and "solid". Paula actually hits a real chord here...she said that since Melinda is spot-on each work she really needs to do something to stop being so fucking boring. Simon tells her that she needs to be incredibleamd pulls out the insult of all insults (the insult that sent Brandon packing) that it was a "backing vocalist" performance. Ooooh...burn...you can see Melinda's world crumble just behind her eyes. So cruel...I mean, Melinda annoys me slightly every now and then, but she is still a very sweet girl. Simon! Save your mean comments for Blake who needs to be taken down a few hundred pegs of ego. Ryan comes out and tries to entice Paula into insulting Simon...blah...whatever.
Blake Richardson
Gibb calls this song "You Should Be Dancing" the dance anthem of the world. Wow...Blake and him should compare egos. Blake starts (surprise!!!) beat-boxing and Gibb makes this absolutely disgusted face that is PRICELESS. He then goes onto cover up his obvious disgust by saying that Blake's stupid jumbled mumbling bullshit might actually be good in the song. Whatever...just say how you feel and call him out on being a massively obnoxious tool.
There is a huge discoball shining LaKisha diamonds all over the place. The song starts very rough. Blake is trying to do falsetto and it reallly fucking blows. He is totally off pitch. He knows it is bombing hard core so he resorts to his "EMERGENCY ROUTINE"...aka, beat-boxing his heart out and dancing like a fool. It is over the top and gets so obnoxious.
Randy starts off his critique with "So you know what is really interesting" and XTINA yells at the tv "What? That he sucks a lot and is STILL liked by people?" Haha...I love XTINA. Randy tells Blake the beat-boxing didn't work...it was "corny"...or fucking annoying as hell. Paula wants to sleep with Blake so she tells him that he is unique...blah blah. Simon agreed that it was unique, but in a terrible, my ears are bleeding, please stop kind of way. Then the music/boos start...ug...this season blows. Like what is the point of the judges if a) Randy just pimps his own success, b) Paula rarely says anything that makes any sort of sense and c) Simon can't get a single fucking word out without the audience mooing like zombie cows at him, or the music starting before he can even give any valid criticism???
LaKisha "Last Dance" Jones
Damn.KeeKee is singing "Stayin' Alive"!!! initially I freak out...this seems like the PERFECT song for her but then I get scared in her video when Gibb totally fucks up how he thinks she should sing it. Ug...KeeKee, you NEEEEED to kick ass tonight.
Does she? Not really. She struts out on stage and get attitude spilling out all over the place. She is wearing some modern art print on her shirt and makes this weird ass faces at the camera. She starts singing the "ah.ah.ah"'s of the song on the opposite beat of the background singer. She seems to be getting to caught in trying to sing all the words and doing these little extra technical things to the song, which isn't really necessary, considering the song is already funky enough.
Randy thought it blew. "Good thing you have two songs". He agrees with me...the melody shouldn't have been fucked with. Paula thought that bringing the tempo down was bad. She says "So what?"...I'm like, um...it's a singing competition Paula...idiot. Simon said she was going "back to the shrieking" and I'm like...shut up...mainly cuz I love KeeKee and Simon has a point. Girl, you fucking better BRINT IT during the next song. I'm not ready for you to go home yet! Sing "And I Am Telling You I'm Not Going" again! Who cares if it has nothing to do with Gibb? It's totally your saving grace this season!
Jordin Sparxxx
Ryan spits on Jordin and then we see her video. She said that she is singing some song meant to be sung by a man...aka my Barry Gibb...aka a man trying to sing sound like a woman. The clip seems pretty promising. Gibb says that out of the 3 million people he has heard sing "To Love Somebody", Jordin sang it the best.
And the performance is just great. She does these little adlips throughout the song that unlike KeeKee and Blake tonight, actually fit the song well. Aside from the fact that Jordin is wearing some sort of hideous tablecloth. She does these Christina Aguilera/Mariah Carey high-jumps midway through and it really works for her. Wow...totally makes up for the tsunami disaster that her Bon Jovi song was last week.
Randy said that it was the best vocal so far. Jordin smiles and says "thank you" like she's five and just received a cookie. Paula dittos that sentiment...so does Simon...Jordin grabs her head a bunch of times and squints and keeps smiling...stop playing Melinda and just take the compliments gracefully!
Melinda No-Neck Doolittle
Melinda's back to try and show everyone that she isn't just great...that she is amazing. "How Can You Mend a Broken Heart" is like any other sort of Melinda song. Quiet and sassy...requires the squinted Melinda face that I love. She changes one of the lyrics about being a loser and Gibb asks her why and she totally lays out this problem with American Idol that has always bothered me...whenever anyone ever sings a song about losing, or not being awesome or about going "Home" (Elliott Yamin!!!), Simon always pukes all over them and gives them a hard time about it. I totally comend her for noticing this and remeding it before her performance. Kudos to you No-Neck...you're back in my good graces
Ok...Melinda's back on tonite...the song is totally more her style. She emotes very well-throughout. I think Melinda should do Broadway if she doesn't win this...which is probably unlikely, so nevermind. It's still a little boring...but totally kicks the first performance's ass. I have never seen someone so fearless on this show before...This performance totally reminds me of why I liked Melinda in the first place. She makes no apologies when she sings...she never messes up. If she didn't have a sweet personality, I would think she would be another Carrie Underwood-Singing-Bot. She ends it with an unpredictable long know.
Randy and Paula call her the resident pro. Paula then says she reminds her of "Stephanie Mills" and then looks to Randy to make sure she got the name right. She then tells her to stop being so perfect and try and try being a little raw...which I think would have been a good move EARLIER in the season...not right when we're around the bend of announcing another winner. Just keep doing you're perfect performances Melinda, and hope that America doesn't tire of them. Simon said that the last half of the song puts her into the semi-finals...yeah, like that was the only thing putting her into the finals...not that she is a great singer/person who has yet to deliver a "bad" performance.
Blake Lewis
He is singing some song called "This Is Where I Came In" and Gibb is like...why the fuck are you singing this obscure bullshit. Gibb said that it will showcase some of Blake's gifts...pan to a shot of him beatboxing...again. Ug...not a gift! If they were gonna surprise me with a gift, Blake would come on to the mic and say that he was dropping out of the competition...that's my idea of a gift.
I actually like this song...I think it is much cooler than some of the Bee-Gee's other songs and even though Blake is singing it, I still enjoy it. The verses are a little rough...but the chorus is hot and sexy and I really, really like it. I'm sure the original is a lot better...but Blake does it well...I think cuz he is avoiding the beatboxing....oh wait...there it is. He slowly starts to infuse it into the performance until it starts to overtake it and become very obnoxious. He is like a kid with tourets...he tries so hard to hold it in...but it still slips every now and then.
Randy calls him out on beatboxing constantly. Paula tries to say that he is allowed to do it, and Simon laughs cuz she's nuts to think that Blake still deserves to be in the competition. Simon thought it was tuneless and awful. "I don't think you had a good night tonight". He then tells him that if it wasn't for the prepubescent girls voting for him, he would be totally out of the competition. Ryan comes out and tries to get Blake to admit that he is too cool for Simon...and Blake obliges.
LaKeeKee Jones
She is singing some song call "Run To Me" cuz it is a "beautiful ballad"...duh LaKisha...you live for ballads...and we live to hear you sing ballads. Gibb tells her to explore that big ol' range she has. She hits a nice high note and I am totally excited.
The performance starts great. She really connects with the camera...so do her big old breats which she doesn't try to cover up. Sadly, the song starts to sound a little too much like some of the other ballads she sang...break out in "And I Am Telling You..."! There is an awesome buildup to the bridge where KeeKee busts out an awesome high belt and I squeeeaaaaal. She hits the last note a little off...it's hoarse and off...and she knows it...wisely, she cuts the note of sooner than usual so it doesn't totally compromise the performance.
Randy's being kind of lame and is laughing at her for fudging the last note. He said it was better than her first performance though. Paula plays the supportive den mother and tells LaKisha not to beat herself up over the death note at the end...cuz you totally know LaKisha takes everything to heart and is probably devastated that she fucked it up...she needs to win! FOR HER DAUGHTER! Simon thought it was alright but that her and Blake will be the bottom 2. I'm sad. She really needed to blow it out of the park...like she did last week. Sadly, she only hit it to the fence.
Jordin Sparkxxx
She is singing some Gibb/Streisand song which makes me roll my eyes. I have never really listened to Barbara EVER, yet I still find myself annoyed that Jordin will be singing a song of hers. Gibb said that Jordin's interpretation of "Woman in Love" was great and that she is one of the best singers ever...I am not lying when I say that.
With all that praise I would expect her to be coming out belting notes this way and that, tearing down the roof and building it back up with beautiful harmonies and runs...firstly, she is dressed in a plus-size lady's blue silk night-gown. The vocals are really wobbly and loud...shrieking in some places. It just wasn't that great. She was trying to emote so much that it was a little much. Boooo.
Randy thought it was pitchy and lame. To cover-up any criticism he could give to his favorite, Randy starts blathering about Barry Gibb and how perfect he is. Paula says the same thing and Simon cuts to bullshit and lays it all out for her. He brings up his "pageanty" comment which I haven't heard since Haley Scarnato's first performance in the top 24. As always...in the middle of trying to critique her, the music comes on and Jordin is ushered away to sugar daddy Ryan. She looks all too ready to avoid any criticism and rushes over to flirt while he spits out her numbers.
It was an on & off nite. Each Idol had one decent song (or in Blake's case, bearable) and then one mediocre song (or in Melinda's case, not spot-on perfect in every way). After weeks and weeks of riding low in the voting polls, I think that sadly, my beautiful LaKisha will be sent packing, with Blake also being in the bottom two for just being irritating. However, as this show is known for a ShOcKeR elimination in the final four (anyone say LaToya London or Chris Daughtry?), just for the scandal of it, it would be interesting to see Melinda go home. Oh who am I kidding. Bye bye LaKisha. I love you, you're daughter and your Jennifer Hudson impression. Mwuah.