(no subject)
i fucking hate her. i am officially disowning her. i. think she must have promised someone who really hated me to make my life a living hell. no actually, this is quite worse than hell, id rather be in hell at the moment rather than living my life under the authority of my mother. why doesnt she get it. i cant tell her any more than i already am that shes hurting me. all i want to do is be happy, but i cant be. she is part of the source of my unhappiness. Hell, shes the number one thing on the list of things that prevent me from being happy. 1) my mother 2) my friends who kind of take after my mother in the sense that they never look at things from my point of view or even give a shit about me to put it lightly 3) not being able to make decisions for me but for everyone else in my life(aka MY FUCKING MOTHER) 4) having to lead two lives; my real life and the life that has been fabricated to make my mother and family happy. 4)having an identity crisis. not really identity, but its the only word that seems to fit. question--> do you live your life for yourself, or do u live it for other ppl? on the surface this seems like a simple question. obviously u should live it for urself. but if anyone even fucking cared to here my dilema, they would see how really NOT simple this is. and damn it, everyone i talk to always gives me that same answer. and when they hear about how complicated the situation is, its like "ohh wow, i dont know what to tell you" WELL God DAMN IT! someone, please tell me how im supposed to live my life please! im so fucking lost. i dont know whats right or wrong here. is life about happiness, and self pleasure, or is it about respecting your elders and organized realigion and putting up with ppl (in my case my mother) only bc she is my mother. i dont know, and for that matter nobody knows. so then i should ask someone right, someone i trust and respect, well there you go, I DONT TRUST ANYONE. yeah i respect ppl, but no one on my own free will, only bc their older or i have too. DAMN IT, i hate my fucking life, i really do. my live is SOOO bad right now. things were just starting to get better from last week, and my whole running away situation, but here my mother had to come back and make things bad again. we do not get along. she has this image of who i have to become, and i know that thats not who i am, or even who i want to be, but as much as i hate her, i dont want to hurt her. i dont fucking understand. the woman has ruined my life, RUINED IT so bad. i wasnt allowed to have a childhood because of her, and i wasnt allowed to have friends, bc of her, and now i feel bad for her, and i dont want to hurt her. DAMN IT! i dont get it, how does that work, and yet, i want to rebel against her, i really do. but i cant. OHH FUCK! I want to leave. i want to leave so bad, i dont have the guts to do it tho, i really dont. there is no purpose in my life, there is no motivation. whatever i do im im screwed. if i be the person that I want to be, well then, i would be a failure in my mothers eyes, but if i be the person she wants me to be, well then i will hate every moment of my life, and you cant succeed as something u dont want to do, its been proven, so then i will be ther girl who had the potential, but never tried hard enough. where the hell did my mother get this image of me?
i cant do this anymore. im imploding. i have no friends who care. i dont have a supportive family (xcept nik) to talk this through or that we can discuss this. I GOT NO ONE! NOBODY, ohh and did i tell you tht that is my moms fault too or did i forgetto tell you that? SHE HAS RUINED MY FUCKING LIFE! she really has, and if anyone tries to leave a fucking comment telling me that i have to learn to not care they can go and fuck off right now bc i am a person of feeling, and i cant erase how i feel, andi cant stop either. and the many people who think im oversensitive and that i over react to all this stuff, you can also go and fuck yourselves bc you have no fucking clue. yeah. that right. im done. im done putting up with everyones fucking bull shit. im not going to pretend to be anyones friend anymore. a lot of you guys are assholes. i kept thinking to myself that you were good people but you really werent.
wait a second if i can give up on the ppl who i dont like that are supposedly my friends, why am i still battleing this thing with my mom. why do i care so fucking much about her?
you know what else? i am really afriad of her. im not only afriad of the person she is but im so scared that im going to become her. if my mother was verbally abused, why does she have to verbally abuse me? why? she should know how it feels, and since she probably does, why the hell does she put my through this?
hopefully ill fall off a cliff sometime soon, and if not, if anyone has anything against me, and feels the need to kill me, please do so, i give you my approval and my blessing.
i cant do this anymore. im imploding. i have no friends who care. i dont have a supportive family (xcept nik) to talk this through or that we can discuss this. I GOT NO ONE! NOBODY, ohh and did i tell you tht that is my moms fault too or did i forgetto tell you that? SHE HAS RUINED MY FUCKING LIFE! she really has, and if anyone tries to leave a fucking comment telling me that i have to learn to not care they can go and fuck off right now bc i am a person of feeling, and i cant erase how i feel, andi cant stop either. and the many people who think im oversensitive and that i over react to all this stuff, you can also go and fuck yourselves bc you have no fucking clue. yeah. that right. im done. im done putting up with everyones fucking bull shit. im not going to pretend to be anyones friend anymore. a lot of you guys are assholes. i kept thinking to myself that you were good people but you really werent.
wait a second if i can give up on the ppl who i dont like that are supposedly my friends, why am i still battleing this thing with my mom. why do i care so fucking much about her?
you know what else? i am really afriad of her. im not only afriad of the person she is but im so scared that im going to become her. if my mother was verbally abused, why does she have to verbally abuse me? why? she should know how it feels, and since she probably does, why the hell does she put my through this?
hopefully ill fall off a cliff sometime soon, and if not, if anyone has anything against me, and feels the need to kill me, please do so, i give you my approval and my blessing.