Monday Morning
Another day, another minefield of reminders that "you are a male and you will always be a male". I'll slip lunch today as I won't have time to make my own and I sure as hell am not going to buy lunch anyway, as it would involve interacting with other humans, whip will most likely misgender me and cause another meltdown like the one I had yesterday.
I'm not looking forward to work. In some ways,I'm okay there. Management have been good to me, I like my supervisor and the people on my group of desks seem to tolerate me. On the other hand, I am also surrounded by people who clearly can't stand the sight of me. I know you say "ignore it", but it's not easy to spend 8 hours a day surrounded by people who seem offended by your very presence. I worry that if anything goes wrong, I have no allies and despite being on my side now, management may opt to just can me rather than resolve the issue, as there are no laws in this country preventing me from literally being fired for being transgender.
One thing I try to avoid there these days is using my phone. I am using my female name there, so I desperately try to avoid making phone calls to anyone outside the company. In fast, generally I try to use my voice as little as possible these days.
I decided to start keeping an online journal, largely because if I don't make it for any reason, the pain I have gone through will not be for nothing and my story may help others. Anything is possible at this point, but one thing yesterday reminded me of is that I can be very easily plunged back into the abyss. I'm not sure how many more knives to the heart of my identity I can take, considering I have gone through so much to get to where I am today, to have people tear it down or not even acknowledge that I have changed at all.
When you go through something so life changing, you also kind of know who genuinely supports you and embraces your true identity, who simply tolerates you just because , while some people want nothing to do with you.
I'm not looking forward to work. In some ways,I'm okay there. Management have been good to me, I like my supervisor and the people on my group of desks seem to tolerate me. On the other hand, I am also surrounded by people who clearly can't stand the sight of me. I know you say "ignore it", but it's not easy to spend 8 hours a day surrounded by people who seem offended by your very presence. I worry that if anything goes wrong, I have no allies and despite being on my side now, management may opt to just can me rather than resolve the issue, as there are no laws in this country preventing me from literally being fired for being transgender.
One thing I try to avoid there these days is using my phone. I am using my female name there, so I desperately try to avoid making phone calls to anyone outside the company. In fast, generally I try to use my voice as little as possible these days.
I decided to start keeping an online journal, largely because if I don't make it for any reason, the pain I have gone through will not be for nothing and my story may help others. Anything is possible at this point, but one thing yesterday reminded me of is that I can be very easily plunged back into the abyss. I'm not sure how many more knives to the heart of my identity I can take, considering I have gone through so much to get to where I am today, to have people tear it down or not even acknowledge that I have changed at all.
When you go through something so life changing, you also kind of know who genuinely supports you and embraces your true identity, who simply tolerates you just because , while some people want nothing to do with you.