Stay Out of My Dreams
It's been too soon for me to update this already. It's 2 weeks short of a month. I still have nothing good or important to say. If I ever had anything important to say I've completely forgotten it while being brainwashed by fat happy people with no care in the world that my life isn't all that bad and I have nothing to worry about. I'm broke again but that's not worth mentioning. Slayer is only 13 days away. That would rock except it's just going to cost me even more money that I don't have. Going to shows is kind of like getting a prescription to make me feel better. It kills me to piss away that much money every time but I need it to sleep at night. I feel like I have nothing else to live for. For as long as there are hidden agendas and drama, relationships and friendships will ultimately always turn to shit. After spending more money that I didn't have at Walmart today to feed my dogs and all I went for a random drive all around town for an hour. It was very nice to clear my head like a fat, lazy fucking American who wouldn't turn off their air conditioning and get out and walk. I kept all of my vehicular manslaughter thoughts to a minimum too. I just turned up 'Ride The Lightning' and hoped that everybody I saw walking down the train tracks was as miserable as I was at that particular moment. Having Jenna here for a week helped me temporarily mentally. Even if I couldn't get the kid to smile it was nice not making fun of the retarded children and the midgets alone. I got moved to the other side of the shop at work for being an "instigator" and "destructive" amongst other things. Of course shop morale has only gone down since the move on Monday but it's not my problem. I have my days where I kind of wish the mother fucker would burn to the ground and then have other days where I hope the place stays up forever so that when I turn 90 and I shit my pants 4 times a day I have somewhere to go so I can make people 50 years younger than me absolutely miserable. I do wonder if I'll live to see 30 much less 90 though. I wonder how many old people feel like they've accomplished nothing and their lives drag on and just won't end. I can't imagine going another 8 and a half years with such little enthusiasm to ever think about 68 more years of this shit. I am convinced that Hitler was onto something great. Maybe he just came off as a bit too racist. If he would have killed every mother fucker alive the world would be a better place now. He wasn't eating the penis like Dahmer or anything so I have nothing wrong with mass genocide as long as he did a happy dance at the end of each night. Of course only a Republican can pull off mass genocides and happy dances now and we call him an asshole for it which is ashame. If only he weren't retarded I could commend him for what a great job he has done in killing innocent people. I have realized that about one out of every fifteen strangers that I talk to will actually talk to me on this worldwide web thing. And 80% of those 1 out of 15 are usually insecure people with some sort of mental or physical downfall that admire me for overlooking that. I really hope that I don't come off as such a complete fucking dick when it comes to who I will or won't talk to. I guess part of being an ugly kid such as myself is going by the most important 'beggars can't be choosers' policy. But there is nothing worse than a fat redneck piece of shit that thinks they are better than somebody 6 times smarter than them that actually has a job and literacy because they have breasts. I think this is by far the most scattered rambling that I have ever posted in my entire life. I should be ashamed at how sadistic and emo this probably sounds. I suppose my biggest problem right now is how hot and cold everybody around me is. I hate it how somebody can be borderline suicidal one day for no reason and then the happiest person on earth the next day for the smallest things and it takes nothing short of a miracle to make me smile. And I am fucking sick of being pushed out of somebody's life when they are happy and only here for them when everything has gone down the shitter. I feel sort of like the bum living in a dumpster that you'd give a dollar to so that you can pat yourself on the back and say "well at least my life isn't this fucked up".
=john=
=john=