STATE FARM DROPS TEXAS KOOL AID MAN INSURANCE
Typical aftermath of a Kool Aid Man visit.
In a controversial move, State Farm announced it would stop carrying Kool Aid Man coverage in Texas starting on Aug 3rd, 2003. In the early 80's, Kool Aid Man was notorious for causing tremendous structural damage to residential homes by being prompted by the words "Hey Kool Aid!" and bursting through walls to bring children refreshing sugar water. While the accidental coverage was widely used in the early 80's, the number of Kool Aid Man damage claims has dropped from a whopping 2,155,343 in 1983 to only 9,519 in 2002.
Interesting enough, even though the Kool Aid Man claims have gone down, the average dollar amount of damage has gone up dramatically. In 1982 the average national estimate of total damage by a Kool Aid Man visit was $14,340. The claims in 2002 had an average of $134,600 in losses.
"Back in the day KAM (Kool Aid Man) would simply burst thru the wall, drop off some Purplesaurus Rex for some snot nosed brats and then exit out the way he had came," comments State Farm CEO Frank Barron. "Quite senseless for an 11 cent packet of sugar basically. Over the years KAM has grown more destructive and frightful to the point where, in some parts of the country, calling out "Hey Kool Aid!" is akin to saying Candyman 3 times."
"A case last year in Milwaukee saw KAM burst through the wall with some refreshing Great Bluedini, trip on a power cord while in motion and run/fall headfirst into a 60 inch projection tv. According to the kids (4 and 7), KAM let out a mighty roar, grabbed the family dog and overhead smashed it into the coffee table. He then exited out another wall in which case his exit hole was a mere 2 feet from an unlocked door. Kool Aid Man then proceeded to hotwire the families Dodge Aries K car and smash it repeatedly into their garage door. The petrified parents had called 911 from their bedroom but by the time the police arrived KAM was long gone with their car. It was found abandoned outside an adult video store."
Kool Aid Man historian, Jacob Clement comments, "KAM has never been apprehended in the act. Usually, from the point of impact, to dropping off the Kool Aid until when he disappears is a mere 3 minutes. The police simply can't respond in that amount of time. He's been stabbed, kicked, electrocuted, shot - - pretty much everything but it's pretty obvious that we're not dealing with a normal flesh & blood creature here. In 1986 a man shot him point blank with a 12 gauge after his children called out their thirst. KAM's glass bowl shattered around the impact and the the contents, which any normal person would have guessed was Sharkleberry Fin, sprayed over the face of the man. It burned him severely. After this I've come to acknowledge that it's not soft drink mix in Kool Aid Man's body/pitcher but acidic blood much like the creatures in Alien. The home owner later died from his injuries."
Previous sting operations have been setup in order to capture the sugary hooligan. The first and most notorious was in 1983 and was conducted by the Atlanta Police Department.
Doing what comes natural.
"We had 3 children who were to say 'Hey Kool Aid' at a specific time," recounts former Atlanta Police Chief William Boyd. "In the meantime we had SWAT, police sharpshooters, helicopters, the whole 9 yards. We had the children in the dining room playing next to a fully loaded china cabinet and we placed about 10 fragiles vases, a couple Faberge eggs and a 50 inch wall hung plasma TV over the spot where KAM's entrance would seem most suspect. We had the children drinking soy milk also which really ticks off Kool Aid Man. He is more apt to bring sugar water to more nutrionally wise families."
"Anyway, before the kids say their part - one of the guys on the SWAT team in the truck is going over the plans and says "Hey Kool Aid" in reference to the verbal queue to jump into action. BLAM...Kool Aid Man rips through the side of the SWAT truck grinning and ready to pour some Pink Swimmingo. The SWAT guys panic and train their automatic weapons on the walking beverage pitcher and unloaded. Acidic Kool Aid blood with vitamin C splashed everywhere and in a panic someone threw a flashbang which landed near a pile of ammo. The whole truck went up killing all on board. 14 total. Worst SWAT tragedy in its history. KAM disappeared but he showed up in Idaho 1 week later ripping through the side paneling of a double wide."
State Farm claims that Texas has been the hardest hit by the Kool Aid Man's swath of destruction. 56% of all claims filed nationwide originate from the Lone Star state. Coverage will unaffected in the other 49 states.
From Garbage House.com.