An update, and not a positive one
Another turn for the worse. This will probably be all over the place, so I won't blame you if you don't read.
My aunt called my mom yesterday to check up on me. I had been running away from my problems, sticking to the internet, barely coming out of the bedroom, not answering my aunts' texts. They said that my aunt's friend is having a birthday party for her daughter and to ask my mom if I could come if I wanted to. Well, I asked.
My mom flat out refused. And she made it apparent that she was also flat out refusing to let me go back. She says that 'someone' had overheard them making plans to keep me busy over the weekend so I would stay away form my mom. I don't know exactly who it was, I don't really care. She listed off reasons and right now it's all fresh and raw and I don't want to get myself under control so I can be eloquent. I want to curl up in a ball and never come out. I'll probably curl up and cry once I finish writing this. And since this is MY journal and I can write whatever I want, I'm going to say that I don't even know why I feel the need to get it all out in words here. When I think about that I keep flashing to Sherlock, with John's therpaist telling him that keeping a blog will help him. Part of me is saying to stop letting fictional universes be such a big part of my life, but I really don't care because they ARE. They're my escape and sometimes I'm afraid that I'm escaping too much but I can't stop.
One of my memories from the first time my mom got out of jail and I was staying with my dad and she only picked us up on the weekends is this: we had a house that for whatever reason was right next to a parking lot. My mom was in her car, with my brothers, in the parking lot, and my dad was standing in the front door of the house. He was telling me to stay at the house, to not go. I was standing between the two, just crying. I don't remember what exactly happened, if my one of my parent's came and picked me up and took me with them, or if I walked to the car (because if I'm the one who made the choice than it was definitely my mom) but that memory shows that I was stuck in the middle and I didn't know what to do. That's what's happening now. On one side is my mom, with my Grandma's house and my brothers and on the other side is my aunts and uncles and that general group that has always represented safety and home and family for me. (That house is where we would always spend holidays, where we went when we needed a place to stay, it's where my mom went when she needed to get away from HER mom.) I hate the fact that in this scenario, my mom is the one telling me not to go.
I'm a teenager, and as a teenager school is the biggest part of my life right now. School is the biggest problem in this entire thing, because wherever I end up I know that both sides love my and will probably always welcome me. I've told you guys that I got accepted to high school that is basically part of the college near here. When I went, I had no trouble passing, and it was only when the lady started to explain the school that I started to get overwhelmed. That school literally starts next week and I have done absolutely nothing that the other students have done over the summer, and as someone who is used to being the top student and knowing what's going on the thought of being behind absolutely terrifies me. And what have I missed? I read Romeo and Juliet freshman year at my old school, and here they have Romeo and Juliet on the summer reading list for the summer between sophomore and junior year. What have they already read that I haven't? I don't know anybody in this city, I don't know what kinds of classes they have at that school, and I was so happy at the thought that I WOULDN'T be thrown into a new environment for another year. And people. Oh my God, I already miss all my friends, and I know that at least one of them misses me. Oh God, last year she was so happy that I was able to stay another year, she had gotten so sad during the point where we all thought I wouldn't be going back. My mom said I could go back to that school if I really wanted to, but that it was a two hour bus ride and I will NOT be waking up before 5 AM, and spend four hours of my day on a commute. I love my friends, and I love my school, and I want to go back so very much that is so much time that I'm simply not willing to lose.
I really wish my mom had put her foot down earlier, because I'm STILL telling my mind to stop being a lazy-ass and read the books for my school, but I'm going to have to face the facts and realize that I'm not going back. I hate it, I hate it so much, but it's the truth and there isn't much I can do about it. Well, there is, but I'm too much of the meek person who goes with the flow to put my foot down and figure out how to go about becoming an emancipated minor.
I hate that as easy as it seems for me to move on, leaving behind friends (there are only a couple of people that I'm going to really miss out of my big group of friends, the rest I've barely thought about) and dealing with the (most likely temporary) cut-off from a big part of my family, I still don't want to do anything to hurt my mom. I love her and despite her fears I don't think I could ever hate her. What I do hate is that I view her as something fragile. She has confided in me before, and now I don't really see her as the big, strong column of support that parents are painted to be but, I dunno, a stack of Jenga blocks that you have to careful with or it will tip over. Fighting with my dad when I was young- there goes a block. Jail time number one- there goes a block. Fighting with my dad over custody of us-another block. Dealing with raising four kids practically on her own- another one. Jail time number 2- and another. My brothers' issues- might as well take one for each brother, so there's another two. Money issues. And now this. My freaking comparison may be pretty accurate, but now it has made me even more terrified of upsetting my mom.
Now to talk about this house. This house is small. I feel trapped. This house has never felt like home, it has always been the place we stop by for a few hours, just using it for the pool. That is practically the only thing I'm liking about this, and I haven't even been able to use it for a week (stupid female problems....). Now that I'm afraid that I won't be going back home (I will refer to it as home until I feel comfortable here, so don't expect i a new name anytime soon) I'm thinking about the things I left behnd. There are books, and my music box. My puppy. I don't care if my uncle thinks of it as his puppy, it came from MY friend, and he wouldn't even have known about her if it weren't for me. And I miss her. And my grandma doesn't like animals so I doubt I'll be getting any pets to cuddle with anytime soon. And I really want something to cuddle with that WON'T ask me what's wrong. If I'm being honest I want my dog that died over a year ago, because he was MINE and mine alone, he wasn't as close with anyone else and he would have fit right in my lap for me to cuddle.
This house is so small, and I really only feel comfortable in the bedroom that has been taken over by me and my mom, and it's pretty small. I feel like I have to try to make myself as small as possible, and I know that that isn't really true, but mostly what I brought were clothes. My books, my knick-knacks, my papers, my whatever-else-I-had. When I packed I was expecting to get back as soon as I could.
There is a big part of me that wants to give up. It feels so comfortable being anti-social, hiding in the bedroom, just watching tv or lurking the internet. I definitely DON'T want to actually look at what I should be doing for this new school. I don't even know where all the papers are. I will look at the bright spots and say that at least I don't have to read that history book, although I think I'll try reading The Scarlet Letter just to pretend there's a chance of me going back. I'm not going to take notes though.
I've sat here for at least an hour, trying to write this, pausing every now and then to just sob or because my mom walked in and I was just waiting for her to leave. I think I'm finally ready to accept that there isn't anything I can do without hurting my mom, and I think I'm worried for her sanity so I'm not going to do anything to hurt her. I'm going to wallow in misery some more, possibly look for the papers for school (I'll do a bit of the work, but I have under a week for this stuff and I'll happily play the clueless new student, DAMMIT!) and then give up and just watch more Doctor Who.
THERE'S STILL MORE TEN. THERE IS MORE, AND I JUST FOUND A YOUTUBE CHANNEL WITH SEASON 5. OH DOCTOR, ARE YOU READY TO BE MY ESCAPE?
Oh, and before that, I just want to say. I maaaay have a reason as to why I feel the need to say all this here. I have no one to talk to in real life. I find it hard to explain things and talk out loud, to an actual audience. Here, right now, what I'm typing, is between me and the text box and I can take back whatever I want before letting other people see it. I have time to figure out what it is that I actually want to say before I say it. OH INTERNET, I LOVE YOU. YOU'RE ALWAYS THERE FOR ME <3