I hate forks in the road of life.
Well my life just took a freaking turn for the worse.
Ok, so, my mom got out of prison this year, and yeah, there's been tension between her and the rest of my family. Do you guys remember when I ranted about my uncle? Yeah well, he had been talking to us and she came and stopped him, crying. That got apparently everyone in the house besides us kids mad at her and while my uncle has said they could try and work things out apparently my aunt has asked her to leave.
Ugh.
So she's going to move to her mom's house, and she talked to me and my younger brother today. She's taking our two youngest brothers with her, but she said we have the choice to stay if we want.
I'm not going to leave. I love my mom, but this house I'm living in right now is my home and to be honest I don't like my Grandma all too much. And I fought (mostly passive-aggressively, but still) so hard to stay at the school I've gone to for the past two years, I really hope she understands that I really don't want to leave. I know that the situation is different now, but ugh. I don't even know. If I go to my Grnadma's house there is no way in Hell that I'll be able to keep going there, it's way too far. I know that maybe I should think about family before school, at least in this situation, but I can't. School IS pretty much the biggest part of my life right now, and I would rather have some comfort in knowing people and knowing the layout of the school as opposed to moving to a city in which I've only ever visited my Grandma. I don't know where anything is, to be honest I would probably get lost just trying to get out of her neighborhood.
And now my headache from last night is coming back. I really don't know how I'm going to tell her that I'm going to stay, I think it makes me an asshole if I give school as my main reason but that is what jumped to the front of my mind. And, oh God, she's afraid that if I stay they'll teach me to hate her. See, when she was little she came here as refuge from her mom, and she says they made her hate her, but I think that's just her fears because from what she's told me she was already extremely angry at her mom when she came here. I don't know everything, but I don't want her to feel like that, because I don't hate her and they could talk shit about her everyday and I still wouldn't hate her. And I don't think they would do that, but still.
One of the worse things is that I don't feel too emotional about this all. Yes, I keep spilling tears but I'm not sobbing-crying. I kind of don't want to look all deep into my psyche, but I think I'm just used to her being gone, and that's why it's making this so easy to accept. She went to prison when I was little, and after that she lived away from us for years because her and my dad had absolutely no chance of getting along. And after HE ran away to Texas (he gave no reason as to why he left, other than my paternal grandparents were moving) we went to live with my mom. Years went by, we were fine, and then she gets sent off to prison again. I don't know if I have abandonment issues, I haven't studied Psychology and I don't know how that would manifest itself, but if I did it wouldn't really surprise me. At the same time, while all that happened I still had family who loved me and was there for me, and I knew that my parents still loved me.
Actually, that could be another reason I'm sure about my decision to stay here. The family that I'm staying with right now has ALWAYS been here, litterally right here in the same house, and they've always been sort of a safe haven. I feel safe here and I don't want to leave. Months ago, when I first found out that they want to move to Colorado in a few years, that's the only time I can remember feeling panic and tears rush to my eyes and getting really emotional about someone leaving.
So yeah, a fork in the road. The first path leads to here, I guess it twists around in a spiral or something, and the second one leads to my Grandma's house and that one might as well be swampy and barely able to tread through because I would hate it and ugh my metaphors suck. At least writing all this out really did help me feel better.
ETA: I have more to add. My godmother just came in and talked to me, and I noticed a difference. With my mom, I was the one holding her, comforting her, and my godmother held me. It's another thing that's probably more subconcious, but I don't like it when my mom cries, because I'm usually the one she talks about it with. I'm the oldest, but still, I hate seeing my mom need my comforting, because I just want to be the baby. And maybe that's another reason I felt calmer with my mom, I feel the need to comfort her whereas with my aunt I burst into tears. And on a side note, and maybe I shouldn't end with such stupid, little thing but the laptop I use is my mom's. The internet doesn't connect to my desktop computer, and I've been using my mom's laptop and oh Hell, I can't be a jerk and ask to keep it. I'm a bit terrified that I'll lose touch with you guys now...My godmother has a laptop, yes, but she uses it too so I can't keep it to myself so much.
Ok, so, my mom got out of prison this year, and yeah, there's been tension between her and the rest of my family. Do you guys remember when I ranted about my uncle? Yeah well, he had been talking to us and she came and stopped him, crying. That got apparently everyone in the house besides us kids mad at her and while my uncle has said they could try and work things out apparently my aunt has asked her to leave.
Ugh.
So she's going to move to her mom's house, and she talked to me and my younger brother today. She's taking our two youngest brothers with her, but she said we have the choice to stay if we want.
I'm not going to leave. I love my mom, but this house I'm living in right now is my home and to be honest I don't like my Grandma all too much. And I fought (mostly passive-aggressively, but still) so hard to stay at the school I've gone to for the past two years, I really hope she understands that I really don't want to leave. I know that the situation is different now, but ugh. I don't even know. If I go to my Grnadma's house there is no way in Hell that I'll be able to keep going there, it's way too far. I know that maybe I should think about family before school, at least in this situation, but I can't. School IS pretty much the biggest part of my life right now, and I would rather have some comfort in knowing people and knowing the layout of the school as opposed to moving to a city in which I've only ever visited my Grandma. I don't know where anything is, to be honest I would probably get lost just trying to get out of her neighborhood.
And now my headache from last night is coming back. I really don't know how I'm going to tell her that I'm going to stay, I think it makes me an asshole if I give school as my main reason but that is what jumped to the front of my mind. And, oh God, she's afraid that if I stay they'll teach me to hate her. See, when she was little she came here as refuge from her mom, and she says they made her hate her, but I think that's just her fears because from what she's told me she was already extremely angry at her mom when she came here. I don't know everything, but I don't want her to feel like that, because I don't hate her and they could talk shit about her everyday and I still wouldn't hate her. And I don't think they would do that, but still.
One of the worse things is that I don't feel too emotional about this all. Yes, I keep spilling tears but I'm not sobbing-crying. I kind of don't want to look all deep into my psyche, but I think I'm just used to her being gone, and that's why it's making this so easy to accept. She went to prison when I was little, and after that she lived away from us for years because her and my dad had absolutely no chance of getting along. And after HE ran away to Texas (he gave no reason as to why he left, other than my paternal grandparents were moving) we went to live with my mom. Years went by, we were fine, and then she gets sent off to prison again. I don't know if I have abandonment issues, I haven't studied Psychology and I don't know how that would manifest itself, but if I did it wouldn't really surprise me. At the same time, while all that happened I still had family who loved me and was there for me, and I knew that my parents still loved me.
Actually, that could be another reason I'm sure about my decision to stay here. The family that I'm staying with right now has ALWAYS been here, litterally right here in the same house, and they've always been sort of a safe haven. I feel safe here and I don't want to leave. Months ago, when I first found out that they want to move to Colorado in a few years, that's the only time I can remember feeling panic and tears rush to my eyes and getting really emotional about someone leaving.
So yeah, a fork in the road. The first path leads to here, I guess it twists around in a spiral or something, and the second one leads to my Grandma's house and that one might as well be swampy and barely able to tread through because I would hate it and ugh my metaphors suck. At least writing all this out really did help me feel better.
ETA: I have more to add. My godmother just came in and talked to me, and I noticed a difference. With my mom, I was the one holding her, comforting her, and my godmother held me. It's another thing that's probably more subconcious, but I don't like it when my mom cries, because I'm usually the one she talks about it with. I'm the oldest, but still, I hate seeing my mom need my comforting, because I just want to be the baby. And maybe that's another reason I felt calmer with my mom, I feel the need to comfort her whereas with my aunt I burst into tears. And on a side note, and maybe I shouldn't end with such stupid, little thing but the laptop I use is my mom's. The internet doesn't connect to my desktop computer, and I've been using my mom's laptop and oh Hell, I can't be a jerk and ask to keep it. I'm a bit terrified that I'll lose touch with you guys now...My godmother has a laptop, yes, but she uses it too so I can't keep it to myself so much.