so here i am again
yes...again...
i'm almost thirty. this is both good and bad. bad merely because i'm getting old. haha nothing else really on that end.
good because, well, its time for a big change. and ive heard that your 30's are so much better than your 20's. and i'm looking forward to that.
its been three years since my last entry. frankly i'm surprised that this thing still exists. as with all of my online journal-y exploits.
i'm thinking about using this as a dream journal from now on. ive had some, what i see now as, pretty significant dreams in the past months. i feel compelled to catalogue them in some way. not sure why.
but tonight, i'm here....hear...because i have anger. i have anger towards someone. its always directed towards someone, isn't it?
i feel like i'm 20 again. you left me so confused. feeling so inadequate despite giving you everything i could. why did you seek me out over the years? why did you open those doors again if you had no apparent intention of seriously following through with any of it? why do you hide behind the same, tired old reasoning and excuses and not tell me the truth? and most of all, why did you say the things you said? did you forget you said them? did you say them simply because they were pretty words? did i fill a temporary need for you? and when you got what you wanted, did you really just forget about how i might feel when you pulled the floor out from under me?
questions. they may never be answered. probably won't be, seeing what history tells me right now. i don't know where to put this anger. i don't know how to quell it. ive never felt a hurt quite this deep before. that i can remember at least, since march of my thirteenth year being alive. i never want to see you again, but i long for your face looking back at me. i recoil at the tought of your touch now, but its the only thing i feel may calm this storm inside of me. i want to lash out, but i can't....you wouldn't listen to me. you only hear the way i slap words together and you seem to ignore the gravity behing them.
your words have gravity to me. each one impacts me with the weight of the world. i don't know why. i thought you had pinpointed it by saying that fate plays its hand. but you don't believe in gravity, do you? you don't believe that words have meaning, and weight, do you?
you fade away, become a blank slate, say you don't care anymore and sidestep when real emotion rear their way forth.
i look back at our history, and i honestly don't remember a time when you truly owned up to the way you acted towards me. you had a moment when you did. but i know now that, in the end, it wasn't truly to apologize to me, or even to be sincere, it was because you wanted something from me. but i never was anything besides a pawn in your grand manipulation, set out to mold your world to suit whatever temporary need you had that day. and then, off to the side. and the worst part, you expect to stick your head in the sand afterwards and let it all fade away, like it never happened.
i have news for you. things do fade. but they don't go away. all you do when that is your method is prolong the calm before the storm. while it stands offshore building strength, you ignore, you take no responsibility. and even when the storm inevitably hits, it hits hard, because so much has been building up with it. you ignore the maelstrom around you and, in the end, there is nothing around you anymore. no one to run to, no one to fix the destruction and help pick up the pieces. no one that actually counts for anything, at least.
these questions, these feelings, this anger and hurt. i will not choke it back for your sake anymore. i will not stand idly by and forget. i will not watch one more person i have invested emotions in cheapen themselves and never live up to their potential. its not my job anymore. it never was. and i'm sorry that i wanted to help you. i didn't know that was out of bounds for you.
to tease me, several times over, with the dream of a life i always wished for, only to get within inches and have it ripped from my grasp, is not something i can take again. you gave me a dream, and i dreamed that dream, freely and openly, as raw and naked as i ever have been. but now, i have to figure out, again, how to let go of it, destroy it from my minds eye, box it and lock it, burn it with hate and anger, come to peace with it, however the hell you want to word it.
i have the strength, this i know. but this time, i won't forget, and i will not forgive. because i still bleed from this wound. and i hope that, someday, you truly understand that.
someday, in the future, maybe you'll get a flesh colored rose on your doorstep. there will be a note tied to it that will read "i forgive you" and you'll know that i have washed myself of the anger and pain. but that will not mean that you can ever have access to my inner most thoughts, and my love, again. that ship has sailed many times over. and i need to save those best parts of me for someone who actually wants them, despite my faults.
when you actually care for someone, or when someone is actually important to you, the faults or shortcomings they have are NOT a burden to carry, they are the most important, vulnerable moments that should bring two people closer through understanding and comfort. instead, you took them and weaponized them, turned an ugly mirror in my direction and hid from me with them as your smokescreen. and there i was when the dust settled, wounded and suddenly alone, with nothing in my hands besides a shattered talisman, and a piece of leather wrapped around my wrist with a lie burned into it, confused and angry, with no indication of where to go from there.
But the tigers come at night
With their voices soft as thunder
As they tear your hope apart
And they turn your dream to shame
She slept a summer by my side
She filled my days with endless wonder
She took my childhood in her stride
But he was gone when autumn came
And still I dream she'll come to me
That we'll live the years together
But there are dreams that cannot be
And there are storms we cannot weather
I had a dream my life would be
So different from this hell I'm living
So different now from what it seemed
Now life has killed
The dream I dreamed.
i'm almost thirty. this is both good and bad. bad merely because i'm getting old. haha nothing else really on that end.
good because, well, its time for a big change. and ive heard that your 30's are so much better than your 20's. and i'm looking forward to that.
its been three years since my last entry. frankly i'm surprised that this thing still exists. as with all of my online journal-y exploits.
i'm thinking about using this as a dream journal from now on. ive had some, what i see now as, pretty significant dreams in the past months. i feel compelled to catalogue them in some way. not sure why.
but tonight, i'm here....hear...because i have anger. i have anger towards someone. its always directed towards someone, isn't it?
i feel like i'm 20 again. you left me so confused. feeling so inadequate despite giving you everything i could. why did you seek me out over the years? why did you open those doors again if you had no apparent intention of seriously following through with any of it? why do you hide behind the same, tired old reasoning and excuses and not tell me the truth? and most of all, why did you say the things you said? did you forget you said them? did you say them simply because they were pretty words? did i fill a temporary need for you? and when you got what you wanted, did you really just forget about how i might feel when you pulled the floor out from under me?
questions. they may never be answered. probably won't be, seeing what history tells me right now. i don't know where to put this anger. i don't know how to quell it. ive never felt a hurt quite this deep before. that i can remember at least, since march of my thirteenth year being alive. i never want to see you again, but i long for your face looking back at me. i recoil at the tought of your touch now, but its the only thing i feel may calm this storm inside of me. i want to lash out, but i can't....you wouldn't listen to me. you only hear the way i slap words together and you seem to ignore the gravity behing them.
your words have gravity to me. each one impacts me with the weight of the world. i don't know why. i thought you had pinpointed it by saying that fate plays its hand. but you don't believe in gravity, do you? you don't believe that words have meaning, and weight, do you?
you fade away, become a blank slate, say you don't care anymore and sidestep when real emotion rear their way forth.
i look back at our history, and i honestly don't remember a time when you truly owned up to the way you acted towards me. you had a moment when you did. but i know now that, in the end, it wasn't truly to apologize to me, or even to be sincere, it was because you wanted something from me. but i never was anything besides a pawn in your grand manipulation, set out to mold your world to suit whatever temporary need you had that day. and then, off to the side. and the worst part, you expect to stick your head in the sand afterwards and let it all fade away, like it never happened.
i have news for you. things do fade. but they don't go away. all you do when that is your method is prolong the calm before the storm. while it stands offshore building strength, you ignore, you take no responsibility. and even when the storm inevitably hits, it hits hard, because so much has been building up with it. you ignore the maelstrom around you and, in the end, there is nothing around you anymore. no one to run to, no one to fix the destruction and help pick up the pieces. no one that actually counts for anything, at least.
these questions, these feelings, this anger and hurt. i will not choke it back for your sake anymore. i will not stand idly by and forget. i will not watch one more person i have invested emotions in cheapen themselves and never live up to their potential. its not my job anymore. it never was. and i'm sorry that i wanted to help you. i didn't know that was out of bounds for you.
to tease me, several times over, with the dream of a life i always wished for, only to get within inches and have it ripped from my grasp, is not something i can take again. you gave me a dream, and i dreamed that dream, freely and openly, as raw and naked as i ever have been. but now, i have to figure out, again, how to let go of it, destroy it from my minds eye, box it and lock it, burn it with hate and anger, come to peace with it, however the hell you want to word it.
i have the strength, this i know. but this time, i won't forget, and i will not forgive. because i still bleed from this wound. and i hope that, someday, you truly understand that.
someday, in the future, maybe you'll get a flesh colored rose on your doorstep. there will be a note tied to it that will read "i forgive you" and you'll know that i have washed myself of the anger and pain. but that will not mean that you can ever have access to my inner most thoughts, and my love, again. that ship has sailed many times over. and i need to save those best parts of me for someone who actually wants them, despite my faults.
when you actually care for someone, or when someone is actually important to you, the faults or shortcomings they have are NOT a burden to carry, they are the most important, vulnerable moments that should bring two people closer through understanding and comfort. instead, you took them and weaponized them, turned an ugly mirror in my direction and hid from me with them as your smokescreen. and there i was when the dust settled, wounded and suddenly alone, with nothing in my hands besides a shattered talisman, and a piece of leather wrapped around my wrist with a lie burned into it, confused and angry, with no indication of where to go from there.
But the tigers come at night
With their voices soft as thunder
As they tear your hope apart
And they turn your dream to shame
She slept a summer by my side
She filled my days with endless wonder
She took my childhood in her stride
But he was gone when autumn came
And still I dream she'll come to me
That we'll live the years together
But there are dreams that cannot be
And there are storms we cannot weather
I had a dream my life would be
So different from this hell I'm living
So different now from what it seemed
Now life has killed
The dream I dreamed.