Life is a Crazy Motha...Whoa.
Wow, I have not updated in the longest time. I was just reading over some of my late entries and realized that I write about virtually the same things, always. I'll try to mix this one up a bit, especially considering a lot has changed since my latest entry. I went to Post this past year and was able to learn so much more about myself than I ever thought possible. I realized that I am completely a mechanistic thinker and that I chose entirely the wrong major. I do love the environment, and the overall well-being of the world is extremely important to me, but I just don't believe that I am the right kind of person to take charge, in regards to it's protection. I am, therefore, changing to biochemistry for this coming semester at Quinnipiac. I am meant to be a senior at this point, but I'm actually quite pleased with the fact that I have taken my time in college and not given up on it. All of my entries previous to this have addressed my concerns about what a waste of time college is. I could not disagree with that any more than I do at this point. I have become so much of a more well-rounded person as I progress through my college career. I am so grateful for my time at Post, and the people that I met there which led me to the place I currently am in. I also have my own apartment now, and feel enveloped with independence. I have a great, well maybe not so much great as well-paying, job. I feel like I may finally be getting somewhere with my life, and I think it's a good place too.
I am excited and horrified at the idea of transferring for a third time, but at this point I'm sort of used to it. I realize now that I can't run away from my problems by going to school across the country and have, therefore, decided to remain in Connecticut. I am still fairly repressed in some ways, but I think I'm realizing it more now, which is the first step in solving any problem. I can't say that my life is completely where I want it to be at this point, but I'm definitely getting there. I am still scared to death of the idea of a relationship, but am certainly more open to it now than I have been throughout the past four years. My riding is not going quite as I had intended, but I am going to a training session in Virginia next week. I'm hoping to find some answers down there, but can't be certain that anything will be accomplished. At this point, I'm sort of taking the shit that comes my way as it comes. I'm living my life one day at a time rather than planning out the next ten years of my life overnight. I feel much more reaxed and self confident, but I attribute, in part, to yoga and also to the fact that I am growing older. I'm nearly 21, less than a week actually, and I feel like I have been 20 forever. Age 20 has worked wonders for me and I pray that 21 will do the same. I know now that everyone goes through shitty times, but you also can't spend your whole life anticipating them. I used to be more fearful of the good times in my life than the bad. I was always so aware that the good times would eventually come to a screeching halt, and when they did I would go off the handle. But I realize now that you have roll with the punches and take things as the come. I have spent far too much of my life worrying and not nearly enough time living. I still worry, a lot actually. I spend time worrying about my grades, my riding, yoga and myself in general. What I really need to understand is that you cannot worry about shit, the past is gone, and the future is just your imagination playing tricks on you. The only thing that we really have is the second that we're in at all times. Maybe I could find better things to be doing with my time than writing in my journal, but hey whatever gets you through the night.
I also wanted to write about some crappy stuff, just so you all don't think I've gone soft on you. So someone stole my cell phone and has made promise after promise that it will be returned safely, but that has yet to occur. I am also sort of courting this guy, or maybe he's courting me I can't really tell. Anyway, we talk on the phone, literally, everday. I just got off the phone with him actually. But for whatever reason, our schedules are perpetually in conflict with one another. The fact that I'm not 21 has also put quite the damper on the relationship so I imagine the in the following weeks we can move forward a bit. At the same time though I don't even really know if I like him enough to pursue anything. We are polar oppposites and he does not agree with anything that I say, ever. He thinks it is the strangest thing of all time that I am a vegan. He's religious and cannot begin to comprehend my agnostic ways. He doesn't understand anything about horses, and is not at all interested in hearing about my riding or anything to do with horses. This is especially difficult considering I now work with horses and ride my horse nearly everyday. At the same time, we are always able to talk forever and are never awkward with one another. He is also really interested in hearing about my yoga, but I think that's probably based on his interest in my flexibility. In addition to what I actually do like about him, he is one of the sexiest people I have ever met. It's really hard for me to find people that I am physically attracted to because I only like specific types, but oh man he's a hottie for sure, hah. I don't know what to do with is all, but I guess time will tell. Ultimately, I'm okay right now. I can't guarantee there won't be anymore venting here, but right now it's all good. Love.
I am excited and horrified at the idea of transferring for a third time, but at this point I'm sort of used to it. I realize now that I can't run away from my problems by going to school across the country and have, therefore, decided to remain in Connecticut. I am still fairly repressed in some ways, but I think I'm realizing it more now, which is the first step in solving any problem. I can't say that my life is completely where I want it to be at this point, but I'm definitely getting there. I am still scared to death of the idea of a relationship, but am certainly more open to it now than I have been throughout the past four years. My riding is not going quite as I had intended, but I am going to a training session in Virginia next week. I'm hoping to find some answers down there, but can't be certain that anything will be accomplished. At this point, I'm sort of taking the shit that comes my way as it comes. I'm living my life one day at a time rather than planning out the next ten years of my life overnight. I feel much more reaxed and self confident, but I attribute, in part, to yoga and also to the fact that I am growing older. I'm nearly 21, less than a week actually, and I feel like I have been 20 forever. Age 20 has worked wonders for me and I pray that 21 will do the same. I know now that everyone goes through shitty times, but you also can't spend your whole life anticipating them. I used to be more fearful of the good times in my life than the bad. I was always so aware that the good times would eventually come to a screeching halt, and when they did I would go off the handle. But I realize now that you have roll with the punches and take things as the come. I have spent far too much of my life worrying and not nearly enough time living. I still worry, a lot actually. I spend time worrying about my grades, my riding, yoga and myself in general. What I really need to understand is that you cannot worry about shit, the past is gone, and the future is just your imagination playing tricks on you. The only thing that we really have is the second that we're in at all times. Maybe I could find better things to be doing with my time than writing in my journal, but hey whatever gets you through the night.
I also wanted to write about some crappy stuff, just so you all don't think I've gone soft on you. So someone stole my cell phone and has made promise after promise that it will be returned safely, but that has yet to occur. I am also sort of courting this guy, or maybe he's courting me I can't really tell. Anyway, we talk on the phone, literally, everday. I just got off the phone with him actually. But for whatever reason, our schedules are perpetually in conflict with one another. The fact that I'm not 21 has also put quite the damper on the relationship so I imagine the in the following weeks we can move forward a bit. At the same time though I don't even really know if I like him enough to pursue anything. We are polar oppposites and he does not agree with anything that I say, ever. He thinks it is the strangest thing of all time that I am a vegan. He's religious and cannot begin to comprehend my agnostic ways. He doesn't understand anything about horses, and is not at all interested in hearing about my riding or anything to do with horses. This is especially difficult considering I now work with horses and ride my horse nearly everyday. At the same time, we are always able to talk forever and are never awkward with one another. He is also really interested in hearing about my yoga, but I think that's probably based on his interest in my flexibility. In addition to what I actually do like about him, he is one of the sexiest people I have ever met. It's really hard for me to find people that I am physically attracted to because I only like specific types, but oh man he's a hottie for sure, hah. I don't know what to do with is all, but I guess time will tell. Ultimately, I'm okay right now. I can't guarantee there won't be anymore venting here, but right now it's all good. Love.