YUCK!
This entry will be bitter, uninspiring and awful. I know that because that it exactly how I feel right now. My life has become this constant droning on of meaningless crap. Each day begging for purpose, and each night coming to the harsh conclusion that it simply does not exist. That's a difficult conclusion to reach, or rather, simple to reach, but difficult to accept. I want to go to college, but the only reason that I find I want to go is so that I can say, Oh yeah I have a college degree. But what does a college degree mean exaclty? "Well, yeah, I went to this place and got drunk and partied while putting the real world on hold." Well if that's what it's all about then maybe I should just start working now. But then again I would really prefer to hold off on becoming a member to the so called system. What would I even do? Even now as I'm writing this I find I wish I were somewhere else, but where? I can't even think of what it is that I want anymore that is how horribly uninspired I am. I find that I have nothing really to look foreward to anymore. And everything that I want from life seems so far off in the distance that it's almost not even worth getting excited about it. Because it will more than likely never happen. I hate my life whereever I am. I don't know why. I have this horrible, "the grass is always greener on the other side" complex. Whenever I'm out in Colorado I can think of nothing more exciting than coming back to Connecticut. But when I'm here for more than a week I find that I am longing to be ANYWHERE but here. Which is about where I'm at currently. I haven't actually been happy in a really long time. Since when am I supposed to know what to do with my life. And it seems like my parents are only here to tell me what I can't do, but when I ask them what I CAN do they have nothing for me. This is the most frustrating time I have ever been through in my entire life. I mean I went through high school like it was nothing. I never once hesitated or thought that I might not finish. But now with college it's like it's taking every last ounce of my energy to fucking move out of my sophomore year. I'm meant to be graduating in two years and there is no way in hell that, that will be happening. I just want to get it over with, and it seems like now I might as well just finish and at least put the effort I've put into school so far to some use. I don't know that I've ever felt this terrible in my entire life. It's like no matter how bad things got before there was always something that kept me going. Whether it was my horses, or school, my friends, or whatever. But now it's like I don't even give a fuck about any of it. Because it seems like it doesn't even matter. I don't even enjoy riding anymore most of the time because I feel like I've been stuck at this god damn novice plateau FOREVER. And even though it's really fun. I see people that I used to ride with moving up and I'm still stuck running in place. And now I've just got this new horse that I'm going to have to train and will be another 2 years before I can move up to training let alone prelim. Then there's school which is the most frustrating of all because I already realize how far behind I am, and it just keeps getting worse and worse. My friends it seems ALL have boyfriends. For some reason it seems that I am a perpetual thrid wheel. I try to be light hearted about it, but I mean there's only so much one person can take. After almost FOUR YEARS of being single I am ready for at least ONE of my friends to be single with me. Going back into the dating world at this point seems pointless to me, because I don't even think I would know how after all this time, but I would at least like some company! The thing is that I really like most of my friends boyfriends so it's not like I actually want them to break up. Ugh I am just really mad at the world at the moment and I don't exactly know what to do with myself this semester of with my life in general. Maybe someday I will figure it all out. And maybe I wont have a mid life crisis because I am having the most fucking intense quarter life crisis EVER! So sersiously life this isn't funny anymore please GIVE ME A FUCKNIG BREAK! Sorry to bitch but it's better for me to type than talk.