Identity (Must work on Titles)
So Jesse you have effectively inspired me to once again write in my lame ass live journal! I am also finally deciding to write because I actually have something to write about. So now that I am attending acupuncture (hippie) school, I am required to put in so many hours essentially following acupuncturists around before I can even think about treating a patient of my own. I am not normally there on Wednesdays, but I was this week. Thankfully so. The acupuncturist that I assist for is always giving me advice about this or that mostly regarding acupuncture and how to make the most of the program as well as the what to do in the years following graduation. At the same time, he throws in these little life lessons every now and again, but I'm not even entirely certain that he even knows when he's doing it. So Wednesday...I am assisting and feeling pretty fried after having had two exams and what was one of the most emotionally exhausting weekends/weeks I have had in a long time. Fried as I was, I decided to push on through the shift the best I could and started picking his brain for answers (which by the way don't even really exist in the acupuncture world). Nonetheless, we had just returned to his office after he had treated a mother and daughter for what seemed like the same complaint(Both women had chronic back pain both resulting from neuralgia. Oddly enough, the cause of the pain was different in both of the women...which is entirely irrelevant to what I am actually trying to get at here). So anyway, we returned to his office and I asked how consistently the two had been coming because I had seen them months previous and it appeared as though there was little improvement in either of their conditions. He informed me that they were indeed relatively inconsistent with keeping regular appointments, but he then said something that I found rather profound. Maybe I just read too much in to what everyone says, but he said that the reason some people don't find relief with acupuncture or any other type of treatment modality is based on the fact that they simply don't want to get better. He went on to explain that many chronic pain sufferers use that pain as a part of their identity. They excuse mistakes or shortcomings because, well, they're in pain. Or they are constantly pitied, but who wants to be pitied? Maybe if the only time anyone ever pays you any attention is when your suffering from crippling body pain, maybe then you would be interested in some pity. As I listened to him explain it in this way, I couldn't help but relate it to myself. Of course...it's all about me right? Right...
So anyway, my nutritionist talks to me a lot about how my eating disorder has become a part of my fiber throughout the years, and losing it to me is perhaps one of the scariest things imaginable. I never really thought so, until he said that. I always thought I was just afraid of getting fat. Stupid selfish little girl that I am. Really it's about a lot more than that. I am "the skinny girl" now. Well, that's weird but it beats the hell out of being the fat girl or the stupid girl...which I would inevitably be were I not "the skinny girl" already. Being this person, having this identity also allowed me to free myself from so much of the pressure that I put on myself. I was starving myself so I didn't have to get straight As, I didn't need to do well at competitions, I didn't need any friends and I certainly could so without love. I forgave myself for all of the things I was doing wrong in my life because I wasn't really me...I was "the skinny girl." I was concentrating on that, and other things would suffer, but all of that was ok because I was kicking ass at the skinny thing. Finally, I used my skinny at a major attention draw. At least once a day some one would comment on my weight. Whether good, bad or neutral...they were commenting. My parents and close friends expressed concern, acquaintances simply acknowledge the fact that I was very thin, and random people would sometimes even compliment me. No matter what people were saying, they were saying something and it was about me. Ah, attention whore, what a beautifully horrendous thing. So really, just as chronic pain sufferers use their pain as a piece of their identity, as an excuse, and to feed their inner attention whore so to was I using my eating disorder in the very same way. It mad me feel like a pussy. It was the best thing that ever happened to me. Lately I have gained more weight than I am comfortable with, and am not exactly fitting in to any of my jeans anymore. Which is kind of killing me, and making me a little bit of a crazy person. More on this but losing my ability to articulate. Hope you like this one Jesse.
So anyway, my nutritionist talks to me a lot about how my eating disorder has become a part of my fiber throughout the years, and losing it to me is perhaps one of the scariest things imaginable. I never really thought so, until he said that. I always thought I was just afraid of getting fat. Stupid selfish little girl that I am. Really it's about a lot more than that. I am "the skinny girl" now. Well, that's weird but it beats the hell out of being the fat girl or the stupid girl...which I would inevitably be were I not "the skinny girl" already. Being this person, having this identity also allowed me to free myself from so much of the pressure that I put on myself. I was starving myself so I didn't have to get straight As, I didn't need to do well at competitions, I didn't need any friends and I certainly could so without love. I forgave myself for all of the things I was doing wrong in my life because I wasn't really me...I was "the skinny girl." I was concentrating on that, and other things would suffer, but all of that was ok because I was kicking ass at the skinny thing. Finally, I used my skinny at a major attention draw. At least once a day some one would comment on my weight. Whether good, bad or neutral...they were commenting. My parents and close friends expressed concern, acquaintances simply acknowledge the fact that I was very thin, and random people would sometimes even compliment me. No matter what people were saying, they were saying something and it was about me. Ah, attention whore, what a beautifully horrendous thing. So really, just as chronic pain sufferers use their pain as a piece of their identity, as an excuse, and to feed their inner attention whore so to was I using my eating disorder in the very same way. It mad me feel like a pussy. It was the best thing that ever happened to me. Lately I have gained more weight than I am comfortable with, and am not exactly fitting in to any of my jeans anymore. Which is kind of killing me, and making me a little bit of a crazy person. More on this but losing my ability to articulate. Hope you like this one Jesse.