You Be You, and I'll Be Me.
Once again, I have been lax in posting on here regularly. To be honest, I have not had anything worth talking about. My life had consisted of going to work everyday on the overnight shift, and maybe going out to drink once in a while with my coworkers. Nothing exciting to write about, unless you wanted a daily blow-by-blow of my smoking habits and failed attempts at having a life. But, ladies and gents, something has happened that has awakened my muse and merits being recorded in the annals of my history.
I'm still living in Fairfax, VA, and still at the job that I gave everything up for a year and 3 months ago. Luckily, I made it through cut after cut and am still hanging on, and I have hopes that I will continue to indefinitely do so. I'm blessed with an absolutely awesome roommate, Kitty, and some pretty fucking awesome friends from work (and I've even made a couple outside of work finally, heh). But, you ask, what is this monumental occasion that has me blowing the dust off my fingers and transcribing my life again, at least for this one update? I'll tell you what...Aphrodite finally heard my angry and sometimes furious pleas to stop being fickle and finally let me find someone that was truly wonderful and amazing. As I write this, I am smiling...truly smiling, not the harlequin smile that I have worn for the past few years when asked how I was doing. The face that I show to the world is finally once again, mine own, shining with a light in my eyes that I thought was long dead.
But I am giving too lengthy of an exposition and must needs get to the heart of the matter. The what, when, where, why, how, and most importantly, the who!
((A Side Note:::!!!!!:::: As my last entry (12/08) was about a boy, and it sounded promising. What I never came back to write was that did not work out because he a) was no where near the person he seemed to be when I wrote about him, and b) he moved away after leading me on for a few dates, and c) the connection was no where near as amazing as I made it sound. That was me desperately wanting something that wasn't there. But what you are about to read? This is real. This is truth. Believe me? I don't care. I'm not writing about this for approval or belief; I'm writing about it so I can look back years from now and recall in my own words the day that I met the person that I will very likely be with when I pull this up years from now to look back.))
All Hallow's Eve, last week. I had stayed home sick from work, and pretty much spent 98% of the day curled on the floor around my toilet, puking my guts out or trying to force water down my throat to stave off the massive dehydration and migraine I was suffering from. I spent most of the day there or in bed, trying and failing to sleep. I was utterly miserable of my own making, and pretty much hating life. I remember laying in bed, staring at the blank white expanse of my ceiling, and wishing that I could just close my eyes and go back 12 years ago...be 18 again and do it all over again with what I know how. I'd been doing that a lot lately, having left my 20's behind me in August. I felt myself spiraling into one of my black cycles, and I really didn't have the desire to push it off. So I was going to let myself lay there, sick and depressed, doing absolutely nothing. I deserved it, didn't I?
I finally passed out and got some sleep. I woke up later in the evening, and managed to finally eat something. It was at this point that I poured myself a cup of coffee and booted up the computer to see what was going on. I didn't really want to play any games ( I was lacking the motor skills), and there was no one on AIM really to talk to. I was going to just lay back down when I figured 'What the fuck?' and logged onto Manhunt.com, this crappy ass site that is mainly meant for hookups but sadly is the most popular place to find anyone in this area. For every 1000 penises you see, there is a handful of people looking for more than a dick in their ass. Though I knew I was probably only going to see the same tired-ass fucking profiles I saw whenever I checked, (the old men in bondage and the pretty twink boys that call me too old at 30 and don't respond when I message them), I decided to run an Online search to further increase my depression at the fact that there really wasn't anyone out there that was interesting or would be interested in me. And, ladies and gents, when I was at my lowest, expecting nothing at all but the usual disappointment, that was when a darklight shone through the haze like a beacon and my eyes fell upon his face. A mowhawk...a lip ring...a quirky smile and eyes that just caught my attention. I was flabbergasted...I had NEVER seen anyone even remotely punky/gothy around here, and this was a very nice surprise.
I hesitated for a moment. After all, he was 22 and there was the usual high risk that he could be one of the ones who just looked at my message and laughed. But I hesitated only for a moment, and then I messaged him. The rest, as they say, is the cliche'd history. We started talking, and didn't stop. There was not a single lull in the conversation, and when we realized that we both were into industrial music, the conversation went from a steady stream into a virtual flood. I wish that I could remember the conversation word for word, but I was so avidly interested in him that it is all a very misty haze of amazement at finding someone who just seemed so fucking cool. And when we exchanged pictures, I had to hold my mouth closed, because here..here was someone who was the fucking epitome of what I call beautiful. I couldn't believe it. So, I bit my lip and asked if he wanted to hang out. I remember sitting in my seat, practically shaking, because this was the pivotal moment. He would either think I was extremely forward and a little crazy, or he would say yes.
When it said '...is typing' I sat there, transfixed, biting my lip. And then? He said 'I have the next two days off, so I would love to."
I let out the breath that I had been holding, and I smiled. I smiled so hard that my cheeks hurt, and I looked at Mischief and laughed, kissing her on the head. (She's my kitty.) So then, I realized what I must look like. I hadn't shaved, my hair was still all fucked up from the wig the night before (from my costume), and I still had glitter and makeup left on here and there, just a bit, but not all had washed off. Top it off that I had on intense eyeliner and my eyes looked all sunk in. I looked pretty haggard, and I was also slightly out of it from being extremely hungover. I looked at myself in the mirror and was like 'Yeah, smashed ass.' So I warned him that I kinda looked like crap, and was slightly out of it. I didn't want him to see me at my worst, and to keep in mind that I was not really all there. I also said I had no energy to get all gussied up, so this is what he was getting. He just lol'd, and then said something that just blew me away.
"Doesn't matter. Look, you be you and I'll be me. I don't want anything more."
You know, I'm usually not easily impressed. Also, having been through as much shit as I have been, words over the internet should not really impress or get through to me. But that..that statement did. Because not a single man has said that to me, at least not in any time that I can recall recently. Maybe this was the first moment that I felt the inkling in the recesses of my being that I had stumbled upon something..something big.
So I hopped in the shower, and almost did my hair and put on some eyeliner and shaved, but then what he said came back to me. I looked in the mirror, smiled, and just randomly ran my hand through my hair and said 'Fuck it. He want's me to be me? He's getting it.' So I ran out the door, and headed down to Leesburg to pick him up. I was so nervous on the way down there. Would he like me? Would it be as awesome in person as it was on chat? I must have smoked half a pack on the way there, and finally...finally it was time. As I turned onto his street, I felt my gut clenching and I was so nervous. That instant before you lay eyes on the person for the first time, a thousand things go through your head. Some good, some bad, some paranoid..so my mind was going about a thousand miles an hour. Then, I saw him.
Out of the shadows, a tall shadow turned into Rich, in his striped hoodie and jeans. He was standing there, his hands in his pockets, and he looked up, smiled, and got in the car. Immediately...the awkwardness was gone. We started talking, and the conversation kept up the entire way back to my house. There was no strained silence or odd moments. Neither of us said anything that disconcerted the other. It was just a solid stream of conversation all the way back to my place. I felt so comfortable, so at ease. There was no pretense, no awkwardness, no....fear.
I won't go into a blow by blow of the full evening. Those memories are for Rich and I, and he and I alone. But what I will say is this...
The next four days, we spent every waking moment that we possibly could together, and it was nowhere near enough. I had the amazing pleasure of waking up each of those mornings with my arms wrapped around the most wonderful man that I have ever met in my entire life, and I have looked into eyes that hold nothing but intense feeling, passion, and....my future.
Rich, this is for you to read, because I express myself so much better in words than I do in conversation. The past few days have been the happiest that I have seen in years, and I know that there are many more happy days to come. I'm falling, and I am falling fast. Let the world think what they may, but I always said that there was someone out there who felt as I did: you shouldn't hold back, and when you find the 'one' you just know, like two pieces coming together. You came into my life on my favorite night of the year but what was also a moment I was not looking, not wanting, and not thinking I deserved to find anything. When hope was gone, I found you and you have given it back to me. This is no schoolboy crush, no fake passion, no fling. This is the real thing.
We have both been hurt, and I know that you have your walls. I do, as well. But, when I stare into your arms and have your arms around me, my walls shake and start to crumble a bit more each time. More importantly? The world stops...completely. Everything goes away and it is just you and I. Writing this now, I can close my eyes and feel your arms around me, feel your heart beating against mine, and I long for it horribly. But you know what? It doesn't matter that I can't get it tonight, tomorrow, and not until this weekend. Because there is no rush..there is no need to burn this out because it is going to end. I don't see an end to this, and I couldn't imagine myself anywhere but with you.
I cannot say that I will never hurt you, because we cannot know that. We will fight, we will have our differences. Maybe we will be lucky and not, you never know. But what I do know? I have no fear that there is an 'if we are still together.' I know that I want to be with no one else, desire no one else, and that I will bear every moment I have to be away from you only because it will make it that much more wonderful when I finally do get to wrap my arms around you and kiss you.
We are in pre-fall, but I don't think that pre is going to last very long because you are taking down every single last defense that I have. How? Because I know I don't need them anymore. I don't need to be afraid, and I don't need to hate myself. I don't need to protect anymore. I'm not alone, and neither are you.
Baby, you told me that when you finally get hit with it, you will probably cry because of how intense it is. Believe it or not, it still hasn't hit me full force but I know it's coming soon. When it does, we will both be at our most vulnerable. But you know what? I will be there by your side so that I can kiss those tears of joy away, and hold you tight.
You and me against the world, love. Together? I feel like nothing could stop us. I truly am lucky and so happy to have met you and have the honor of calling you my boyfriend. I look forward to a long, happy future together.
And one more thing....
Gerdy.
I'm still living in Fairfax, VA, and still at the job that I gave everything up for a year and 3 months ago. Luckily, I made it through cut after cut and am still hanging on, and I have hopes that I will continue to indefinitely do so. I'm blessed with an absolutely awesome roommate, Kitty, and some pretty fucking awesome friends from work (and I've even made a couple outside of work finally, heh). But, you ask, what is this monumental occasion that has me blowing the dust off my fingers and transcribing my life again, at least for this one update? I'll tell you what...Aphrodite finally heard my angry and sometimes furious pleas to stop being fickle and finally let me find someone that was truly wonderful and amazing. As I write this, I am smiling...truly smiling, not the harlequin smile that I have worn for the past few years when asked how I was doing. The face that I show to the world is finally once again, mine own, shining with a light in my eyes that I thought was long dead.
But I am giving too lengthy of an exposition and must needs get to the heart of the matter. The what, when, where, why, how, and most importantly, the who!
((A Side Note:::!!!!!:::: As my last entry (12/08) was about a boy, and it sounded promising. What I never came back to write was that did not work out because he a) was no where near the person he seemed to be when I wrote about him, and b) he moved away after leading me on for a few dates, and c) the connection was no where near as amazing as I made it sound. That was me desperately wanting something that wasn't there. But what you are about to read? This is real. This is truth. Believe me? I don't care. I'm not writing about this for approval or belief; I'm writing about it so I can look back years from now and recall in my own words the day that I met the person that I will very likely be with when I pull this up years from now to look back.))
All Hallow's Eve, last week. I had stayed home sick from work, and pretty much spent 98% of the day curled on the floor around my toilet, puking my guts out or trying to force water down my throat to stave off the massive dehydration and migraine I was suffering from. I spent most of the day there or in bed, trying and failing to sleep. I was utterly miserable of my own making, and pretty much hating life. I remember laying in bed, staring at the blank white expanse of my ceiling, and wishing that I could just close my eyes and go back 12 years ago...be 18 again and do it all over again with what I know how. I'd been doing that a lot lately, having left my 20's behind me in August. I felt myself spiraling into one of my black cycles, and I really didn't have the desire to push it off. So I was going to let myself lay there, sick and depressed, doing absolutely nothing. I deserved it, didn't I?
I finally passed out and got some sleep. I woke up later in the evening, and managed to finally eat something. It was at this point that I poured myself a cup of coffee and booted up the computer to see what was going on. I didn't really want to play any games ( I was lacking the motor skills), and there was no one on AIM really to talk to. I was going to just lay back down when I figured 'What the fuck?' and logged onto Manhunt.com, this crappy ass site that is mainly meant for hookups but sadly is the most popular place to find anyone in this area. For every 1000 penises you see, there is a handful of people looking for more than a dick in their ass. Though I knew I was probably only going to see the same tired-ass fucking profiles I saw whenever I checked, (the old men in bondage and the pretty twink boys that call me too old at 30 and don't respond when I message them), I decided to run an Online search to further increase my depression at the fact that there really wasn't anyone out there that was interesting or would be interested in me. And, ladies and gents, when I was at my lowest, expecting nothing at all but the usual disappointment, that was when a darklight shone through the haze like a beacon and my eyes fell upon his face. A mowhawk...a lip ring...a quirky smile and eyes that just caught my attention. I was flabbergasted...I had NEVER seen anyone even remotely punky/gothy around here, and this was a very nice surprise.
I hesitated for a moment. After all, he was 22 and there was the usual high risk that he could be one of the ones who just looked at my message and laughed. But I hesitated only for a moment, and then I messaged him. The rest, as they say, is the cliche'd history. We started talking, and didn't stop. There was not a single lull in the conversation, and when we realized that we both were into industrial music, the conversation went from a steady stream into a virtual flood. I wish that I could remember the conversation word for word, but I was so avidly interested in him that it is all a very misty haze of amazement at finding someone who just seemed so fucking cool. And when we exchanged pictures, I had to hold my mouth closed, because here..here was someone who was the fucking epitome of what I call beautiful. I couldn't believe it. So, I bit my lip and asked if he wanted to hang out. I remember sitting in my seat, practically shaking, because this was the pivotal moment. He would either think I was extremely forward and a little crazy, or he would say yes.
When it said '...is typing' I sat there, transfixed, biting my lip. And then? He said 'I have the next two days off, so I would love to."
I let out the breath that I had been holding, and I smiled. I smiled so hard that my cheeks hurt, and I looked at Mischief and laughed, kissing her on the head. (She's my kitty.) So then, I realized what I must look like. I hadn't shaved, my hair was still all fucked up from the wig the night before (from my costume), and I still had glitter and makeup left on here and there, just a bit, but not all had washed off. Top it off that I had on intense eyeliner and my eyes looked all sunk in. I looked pretty haggard, and I was also slightly out of it from being extremely hungover. I looked at myself in the mirror and was like 'Yeah, smashed ass.' So I warned him that I kinda looked like crap, and was slightly out of it. I didn't want him to see me at my worst, and to keep in mind that I was not really all there. I also said I had no energy to get all gussied up, so this is what he was getting. He just lol'd, and then said something that just blew me away.
"Doesn't matter. Look, you be you and I'll be me. I don't want anything more."
You know, I'm usually not easily impressed. Also, having been through as much shit as I have been, words over the internet should not really impress or get through to me. But that..that statement did. Because not a single man has said that to me, at least not in any time that I can recall recently. Maybe this was the first moment that I felt the inkling in the recesses of my being that I had stumbled upon something..something big.
So I hopped in the shower, and almost did my hair and put on some eyeliner and shaved, but then what he said came back to me. I looked in the mirror, smiled, and just randomly ran my hand through my hair and said 'Fuck it. He want's me to be me? He's getting it.' So I ran out the door, and headed down to Leesburg to pick him up. I was so nervous on the way down there. Would he like me? Would it be as awesome in person as it was on chat? I must have smoked half a pack on the way there, and finally...finally it was time. As I turned onto his street, I felt my gut clenching and I was so nervous. That instant before you lay eyes on the person for the first time, a thousand things go through your head. Some good, some bad, some paranoid..so my mind was going about a thousand miles an hour. Then, I saw him.
Out of the shadows, a tall shadow turned into Rich, in his striped hoodie and jeans. He was standing there, his hands in his pockets, and he looked up, smiled, and got in the car. Immediately...the awkwardness was gone. We started talking, and the conversation kept up the entire way back to my house. There was no strained silence or odd moments. Neither of us said anything that disconcerted the other. It was just a solid stream of conversation all the way back to my place. I felt so comfortable, so at ease. There was no pretense, no awkwardness, no....fear.
I won't go into a blow by blow of the full evening. Those memories are for Rich and I, and he and I alone. But what I will say is this...
The next four days, we spent every waking moment that we possibly could together, and it was nowhere near enough. I had the amazing pleasure of waking up each of those mornings with my arms wrapped around the most wonderful man that I have ever met in my entire life, and I have looked into eyes that hold nothing but intense feeling, passion, and....my future.
Rich, this is for you to read, because I express myself so much better in words than I do in conversation. The past few days have been the happiest that I have seen in years, and I know that there are many more happy days to come. I'm falling, and I am falling fast. Let the world think what they may, but I always said that there was someone out there who felt as I did: you shouldn't hold back, and when you find the 'one' you just know, like two pieces coming together. You came into my life on my favorite night of the year but what was also a moment I was not looking, not wanting, and not thinking I deserved to find anything. When hope was gone, I found you and you have given it back to me. This is no schoolboy crush, no fake passion, no fling. This is the real thing.
We have both been hurt, and I know that you have your walls. I do, as well. But, when I stare into your arms and have your arms around me, my walls shake and start to crumble a bit more each time. More importantly? The world stops...completely. Everything goes away and it is just you and I. Writing this now, I can close my eyes and feel your arms around me, feel your heart beating against mine, and I long for it horribly. But you know what? It doesn't matter that I can't get it tonight, tomorrow, and not until this weekend. Because there is no rush..there is no need to burn this out because it is going to end. I don't see an end to this, and I couldn't imagine myself anywhere but with you.
I cannot say that I will never hurt you, because we cannot know that. We will fight, we will have our differences. Maybe we will be lucky and not, you never know. But what I do know? I have no fear that there is an 'if we are still together.' I know that I want to be with no one else, desire no one else, and that I will bear every moment I have to be away from you only because it will make it that much more wonderful when I finally do get to wrap my arms around you and kiss you.
We are in pre-fall, but I don't think that pre is going to last very long because you are taking down every single last defense that I have. How? Because I know I don't need them anymore. I don't need to be afraid, and I don't need to hate myself. I don't need to protect anymore. I'm not alone, and neither are you.
Baby, you told me that when you finally get hit with it, you will probably cry because of how intense it is. Believe it or not, it still hasn't hit me full force but I know it's coming soon. When it does, we will both be at our most vulnerable. But you know what? I will be there by your side so that I can kiss those tears of joy away, and hold you tight.
You and me against the world, love. Together? I feel like nothing could stop us. I truly am lucky and so happy to have met you and have the honor of calling you my boyfriend. I look forward to a long, happy future together.
And one more thing....
Gerdy.