When did I get so boring?
Gods, its been forever since I even thought about updating this, but I find myself waxing contemplative and reflective this evening, so here I am. There shall be no blow by blow of the time betwixt this and my last entry because, well, I simply don't feel like it. Highlights, yes, but not a full disclosure.
I find myself evaluating who and what I have currently become and, with resignation, find one blatant, obvious, and shocking question staring me in the face: when in the fucking hell did I get so boring? Oh, and how loaded a question that is when you shine a light through the annals (no, not anals, you pervs!) of history and see the free, frolicking, and mischievous prankster and party monster I was once upon a time in a distant memory.
As we age, we expect to find ourselves seeking comfort rather than excitement; a night at home with a great book and a warm drink holds more appeal than cavorting around the town and painting it not only red but every fucking color imaginable (especially when vomit is involved). However, is it possible that allowing ourselves to succumb to the sedating embrace of comfort morphs us into social cripples; awkward, lethargic shadows of our once energetic selves that forget how to pursue avenues of entertainment outside of our own dome of existence? I find that, in my desire to pursue comfort and relaxation, I have delved heavily into the realm of ME, ME, ME and only really followed and processed things that I enjoy immensely: video games, reading, graphic design, porn, etc....you get the picture. While it is wonderful to know how to entertain yourself and find happiness whilst being alone, I fear that I have done so for so long that I have forgotten how to completely loosen up without the assistance of alcohol. In that tragedy, I have somehow lost my 'appeal' and charisma to others; I no longer feel that people gravitate towards me because of entertainment or fun or wanting to simply 'be' around me. Some of you may protest otherwise and, I will admit, that there is a certain degree of this that still exists. But compared to the bright, shining star that I used to be, the mixture of people hardly ever trying to contact me outside of the internet and the lack of people actually inviting me to do things often unless it is a 'come one, come all' event..these things attest to the sad, melancholic truth: I have lost my draw, my appeal, my shine. Perhaps I am wrong, perhaps this is just a rut that I am in, but...I cannot destroy what I feel with a shake of my head.
In further testament, view the situation I currently find myself in. Seated at my computer, my two roommates are in another room, laughing and carrying on, having had a fun evening of imbibing, watching movies, having harmless mischief and fun. As much as I would love to venture in, plop myself down, and join in, I feel this immediate rising of 'you don't belong.' Mind you, and I will make this VERY clear, this feeling is NOTHING that either of them have done or said to cause; it is simply there. It's like being the person who walks in on the punchline of the joke; everyone laughs at it and you laugh, as well, to try and 'fit in' but you don't know what you are laughing at and feel extremely awkward. They have an entire evening of enjoyment behind them, without me, and I don't feel right just waltzing in and interrupting what they have dubbed as their 'showtime.' The fact that I cannot partake of the substance they do makes it even more awkward, as I suddenly feel like the sober party pooper, pathetically trying to reach that level of fun and enjoyment and thus making them feel awkward because they know I feel left out when they are in that state; tis that private club that you feel left out of no matter what anyone does in an attempt to make you feel like you belong.
I find myself waxing contemplative about my 'boringness,' also, as it pertains to my current interactions (or lack thereof) with R. I'm not going to disclose all the circumstances regarding the how and why he ended up moving in with us (that is his business), but he is back in my life and has been since December.
Currently, it is my interactions (or lack thereof, outside of the normal, everyday ones) that have led me to question my 'appeal' and the attractiveness of spending time with me. It is nothing that he has done or said, or the way he acts or has acted; I cannot fault him if I bore him, which is what I fear that I do. When I evaluate the bonds he has formed with K and Ry, I see certain elements at the foundation that, when I reflect the scrutinizing eye upon myself, seem to be missing. As in, you ask? Well, for instance, with K he has their 'showtime' and their shared love of watching movie after movie. With Ry, there is the bond of the 'masculine:' cars, guns, FPS's, etc, along with a love of a good beer and comedians, etc. When you are around him with the other two, they can have their conversations and keep going; he and I can have these conversations but they havent been happening and, when they do, they dont last anywhere near as long as the daylong interactions had with the others.
Thus, I find myself wanting to spend 'quality' time with a person that I feel like I am at a loss to find something that will encourage them to want this to happen. What do I have to offer that is 'fun?' Video games and movies? Usually, we end up sitting in the room doing different things, and that is our quality time. I would love nothing more than to find something that would encourage the desire to spend time with me outside of the daily interactions of going to work, picking me up, etc., but I just frustrate myself trying to imagine something that could be done with just the two of us and would actually be FUN for him.
It was in evaluating this that I began to look at myself and everyone around me and seriously begin to question what the fuck happened to me. Have I become a boring old fogie? Have I lost my shine? If so, how do I get it back? R is not the reason for it, he is just the catalyst that is causing me to evaluate myself and my current social situation (or lack thereof) and wonder truly where I stand in the grand scheme of things and how I could possibly make myself 'FUN' again. Someone that people go out of their way to spend time with, and big chunks of it, because I honestly just do not feel like I am currently that type of person. Sad, isn't it? I'm not depressed...just incredibly frustrated.
God, it feels good to actually write something and let some of this out. I really should use this as a catharsis for all the shit I have bottled up inside me. This blogged issue aside, there are moments when I feel so frustrated, lost, and just, well, all OMFGSTOPTHEWORLDIWANNAGETOFF....writing about it could actually help.
We shall see. For now, a cigarette as I contemplate how wonderfully boring I feel and am.
I find myself evaluating who and what I have currently become and, with resignation, find one blatant, obvious, and shocking question staring me in the face: when in the fucking hell did I get so boring? Oh, and how loaded a question that is when you shine a light through the annals (no, not anals, you pervs!) of history and see the free, frolicking, and mischievous prankster and party monster I was once upon a time in a distant memory.
As we age, we expect to find ourselves seeking comfort rather than excitement; a night at home with a great book and a warm drink holds more appeal than cavorting around the town and painting it not only red but every fucking color imaginable (especially when vomit is involved). However, is it possible that allowing ourselves to succumb to the sedating embrace of comfort morphs us into social cripples; awkward, lethargic shadows of our once energetic selves that forget how to pursue avenues of entertainment outside of our own dome of existence? I find that, in my desire to pursue comfort and relaxation, I have delved heavily into the realm of ME, ME, ME and only really followed and processed things that I enjoy immensely: video games, reading, graphic design, porn, etc....you get the picture. While it is wonderful to know how to entertain yourself and find happiness whilst being alone, I fear that I have done so for so long that I have forgotten how to completely loosen up without the assistance of alcohol. In that tragedy, I have somehow lost my 'appeal' and charisma to others; I no longer feel that people gravitate towards me because of entertainment or fun or wanting to simply 'be' around me. Some of you may protest otherwise and, I will admit, that there is a certain degree of this that still exists. But compared to the bright, shining star that I used to be, the mixture of people hardly ever trying to contact me outside of the internet and the lack of people actually inviting me to do things often unless it is a 'come one, come all' event..these things attest to the sad, melancholic truth: I have lost my draw, my appeal, my shine. Perhaps I am wrong, perhaps this is just a rut that I am in, but...I cannot destroy what I feel with a shake of my head.
In further testament, view the situation I currently find myself in. Seated at my computer, my two roommates are in another room, laughing and carrying on, having had a fun evening of imbibing, watching movies, having harmless mischief and fun. As much as I would love to venture in, plop myself down, and join in, I feel this immediate rising of 'you don't belong.' Mind you, and I will make this VERY clear, this feeling is NOTHING that either of them have done or said to cause; it is simply there. It's like being the person who walks in on the punchline of the joke; everyone laughs at it and you laugh, as well, to try and 'fit in' but you don't know what you are laughing at and feel extremely awkward. They have an entire evening of enjoyment behind them, without me, and I don't feel right just waltzing in and interrupting what they have dubbed as their 'showtime.' The fact that I cannot partake of the substance they do makes it even more awkward, as I suddenly feel like the sober party pooper, pathetically trying to reach that level of fun and enjoyment and thus making them feel awkward because they know I feel left out when they are in that state; tis that private club that you feel left out of no matter what anyone does in an attempt to make you feel like you belong.
I find myself waxing contemplative about my 'boringness,' also, as it pertains to my current interactions (or lack thereof) with R. I'm not going to disclose all the circumstances regarding the how and why he ended up moving in with us (that is his business), but he is back in my life and has been since December.
Currently, it is my interactions (or lack thereof, outside of the normal, everyday ones) that have led me to question my 'appeal' and the attractiveness of spending time with me. It is nothing that he has done or said, or the way he acts or has acted; I cannot fault him if I bore him, which is what I fear that I do. When I evaluate the bonds he has formed with K and Ry, I see certain elements at the foundation that, when I reflect the scrutinizing eye upon myself, seem to be missing. As in, you ask? Well, for instance, with K he has their 'showtime' and their shared love of watching movie after movie. With Ry, there is the bond of the 'masculine:' cars, guns, FPS's, etc, along with a love of a good beer and comedians, etc. When you are around him with the other two, they can have their conversations and keep going; he and I can have these conversations but they havent been happening and, when they do, they dont last anywhere near as long as the daylong interactions had with the others.
Thus, I find myself wanting to spend 'quality' time with a person that I feel like I am at a loss to find something that will encourage them to want this to happen. What do I have to offer that is 'fun?' Video games and movies? Usually, we end up sitting in the room doing different things, and that is our quality time. I would love nothing more than to find something that would encourage the desire to spend time with me outside of the daily interactions of going to work, picking me up, etc., but I just frustrate myself trying to imagine something that could be done with just the two of us and would actually be FUN for him.
It was in evaluating this that I began to look at myself and everyone around me and seriously begin to question what the fuck happened to me. Have I become a boring old fogie? Have I lost my shine? If so, how do I get it back? R is not the reason for it, he is just the catalyst that is causing me to evaluate myself and my current social situation (or lack thereof) and wonder truly where I stand in the grand scheme of things and how I could possibly make myself 'FUN' again. Someone that people go out of their way to spend time with, and big chunks of it, because I honestly just do not feel like I am currently that type of person. Sad, isn't it? I'm not depressed...just incredibly frustrated.
God, it feels good to actually write something and let some of this out. I really should use this as a catharsis for all the shit I have bottled up inside me. This blogged issue aside, there are moments when I feel so frustrated, lost, and just, well, all OMFGSTOPTHEWORLDIWANNAGETOFF....writing about it could actually help.
We shall see. For now, a cigarette as I contemplate how wonderfully boring I feel and am.