anger
I have backslid in my recovery. I feel like I am where I was in 2018, when Chad died. I can't explain how or why or what I'm doing differently. I just know that I am terrified of the anger that is waiting for me in my next phase of recovering. I know it's there. It feels like an inferno wall that is closing in on me. I am feeling so angry about everything that happened to me that all I want to do is scream and break stuff. I am afraid of this anger. I don't want to feel it and I know that it is holding me back. I'm afraid that the people that I love won't love me anymore if they see what that anger turns me into. I'm afraid that if I let myself feel that, then I won't ever be able to go back and I'll literally die mad.