Why I Hate My Job
Those of you regular readers of my irregular postings know some of the history of my current job. I started out as a freelancer, worked my way into a permanent position. Then at the end of my second year, the company had my entire department (including the personnel) outsourced to a huge outsourcing company. They made many changes, some good, some bad, but lots of changes which increased the stress and the workload.
In the summer, they decided to reorganize the department into teams. We already work in loosely organized teams, but to mix it up, they changed around the team leaders so that they were working on NEW teams rather than the teams for programs they knew and understood. This put even more stress and responsibility on me, because I did know and understand the program, so my workload increased again.
In the fall, I started looking for a new job. I was getting close to accepting one, when my boss came to me and begged me to stay. Asked me what I wanted...I told him, more money, more recognition and some help. I got a nice raise, no promotion. He promised me some help. I agreed to stay. In December, they hired someone. A new person for my team. But not my assistant. My new team leader. So now, I have to train my own supervisor. She is from outside and does not know any of the programs, and none of the processes. So now I have to train her and do all of the work for my team. So, it is now a triple workload for me. I don't get invited to any of the higher level meetings because I am not the team leader, so I am left out of the loop and I have to scrounge for information that is imperative to my jobs. And god help us all if they ask some question that only I know the answer to, and I am not there to reply. There goes the team's credibility. There is also my own internal nagging that she is young and cute and dresses much more professionally (she wears hose and heels and I wear slacks and "sensible shoes" like the rest of the ladies in the office). Why didn't they promote me and hire her as my assistant? I KNOW the work and I DO the job!
Enough about work. The top of my head is ready to blow off.
Next, I auditioned for a new show this weekend. How to Succeed in Business Without Really Trying. I felt that it was a decent audition, well received. Not very well attended, so I was feeling fairly confident about getting in. I heard that about another dozen folks (many of them my friends from Jane Eyre) auditioned on Monday evening. Tuesday I ran into one of them, and they had already heard about their casting results. As of noon on Wednesday, I haven't heard. They indicated that everyone would be called if they were accepted or not, but I have heard nothing and it is driving me crazy. More and more of my friends are letting me know that they got in. With every passing minute, I am losing heart. I am getting old and fat, but I am still a talented singer, and actress. Every office needs a fat chick, right? Now I am torn about what to do if I am not cast. If I volunteer to help with the show offstage, will it hurt more or less? I would still get to see my friends.
And the last recent blow to my ego is just a matter of my own increasingly fragile psyche. Since I began doing live action roleplaying, I have (I thought) let it be fairly well known that I am a singer. However, it seems that most of the singing "roles" have gone to others, some of them actual singers, some of them "roleplaying" that they are singers. It has just happened again. I can completely understand the choices and the reasoning behind the decision for this, but it doesn't make it hurt me any less, right now.
If anything else wants to take a shot at my ego, bring it on. Here is the thing I need to work on. How do I respond? With work, do I make a stand? Do I start overdressing in an effort to seem more professional? With the show, do I work on the show to keep my hand in and show good faith, and work to do a better audition next time? Do I use this as a good motivation for losing some weight and getting in better shape? With the LARP, do I try to be a better promoter of my true talents and abilities? Do I try to be a better roleplayer to show people that they can count on me to take on bigger and better and high profile roles?
Or do I just say to hell with it all and wallow?