stuck, part 2 - I couldn't make the delorean work, marty
OH GOD. If Sam Carter had been on that elevator this movie would have been 300 times better. And 3 minutes long because she would have fixed the elevator or hauled them all to safety with her fucking teeth or something in three seconds flat.
- cheapmetaphor
goooooooood morning, friends. Ready for another dose of sanity-eroding cinema? Brace yourselves for round 2, 'cause it's coming up right now. Hopefully I can push through and finish the whole movie without us needing a round 3, because that would be cruel and unusual punishment for all of us. Especially me.
The same warnings apply: things that can never be unread, things that can never be unseen, etc. etc. But luckily, we already passed the blatantly nsfw part. That doesn't mean we're anywhere near out of the woods yet, though. Far from it, in fact.
so far from it.
hold my hand.
hooooooo boy. Everybody remembers what happened last time, right? As if anyone could ever forget.
Right, so. Here we are, fresh from that... scene. they're disgusting, Gordon's a very unhappy man, inappropriate placement of moemoe chipmunk laughter, yaddayaddayadda.
Gordon grumbles that he just wants to get out of here and get on with his day, and I get that. I'm feeling that right now, in fact. Fancy that.
Bernie remembers that ah, yes, Gordon's here to visit his son. Lizzie asks, "What's his name?"
And Gordon crankily replies, "Robert."
DUN
DUN
DUNNNNNNNN
~REVELATION TIME~
ROBERT
IS
CINDY'S BOYFRIEND!! OH MY GOSH
MEANING
THAT
those two sex demons over there have already figured it out, have you?
MEANING THAT CINDY'S BOYFRIEND'S DAD JUST MADE A MOVE ON HER.
YOU MAY BEGIN YOUR APPLAUSE... NOW.
okay, lmao, something that's actually legitimately funny: There's a really awkward pause as Gordon and Cindy stare at each other, and then Gordon says, "...Hi, I'm Gordon." Bernie and Lizzie cannot even contain themselves and they absolutely erupt in laughter.
They get cozy and shit starts getting ~deep~ again, this time concerning marriage. Whatever, though, I think the most important thing to note is that Bernie ends up barking like a dog.
And Lizzie ends up doing... this.
she doesn't actually give him a blowjob, but, as they say, the sentiment was genuine.
Bernie asks Cindy what Robert has to say about his old man, and Cindy says, "...not much." Lizzie and Bernie make some good, "ooooh, ya BURNT" noises and things just keep on truckin' toward Awkward City.
They keep pressuring Cindy to tell them what Robert says about his dear old dad, but Gordon says it's okay, she doesn't have to explain anything. "Robert and I have been estranged for some time," he admits. I can't imagine why, though. I mean, Gordon, you're just such a stand-up guy. What is there not to like about you, I mean, honestly.
Then he says that "He's been very angry since the divorce, blamed the whole thing on me." and then lmao, "He doesn't realize that his mother wasn't exactly a saint." ohoho man. See what I mean? Stand. up. guy.
And THEN he says, "I'm not exactly sure we're meant to be monogamous, you know?" No, Gordon, I don't know, why don't you talk about it some more while making out with your son's girlfriend?
oh, Cindy, I feel ya.
Gordon waxes eloquent some more about how it takes two to make a divorce, but he does it by bashing his wife which personally does not encourage me to think he's anything but a total douchebag.
Cindy brings out a good question, though: ~wasn't there another woman~?
AW DAG, THERE SURE WAS. But you know them bitches, always ~thinking with their hearts~ and all that jazz! And shoot, I can't be assed to ~work at love~ or anything like that, "you either feel it or you don't," so I figured it was more than past time for me to go bone some hot piece of ass. All those years in a loveless marriage, I deserved it!
you might think I'm exaggerating, but this is exactly what Gordon says, just not in so many... words. goddamnit, what a fucking prick. THIS IS AN ENVIRONMENT OF WELCOMING, GORDON. GO STAND IN THE CORNER WITH FIFTH.
mte, gurl. mte.
Even these two aren't buyin' this shit.
lmao well, then Bernie calls him a socialist and Gordon scoffs. "Not on your fucking life. I'm a ~free enterprise capitalist~." oh, Gordon. Just keeeep diggin' yourself into that hole of unlikeability. You have a while to go before you hit solid rock, so why not just go the whole nine yards?
well, then we get another fun revelation in the fact that Bernie doesn't actually do drugs. He just supplies them. For Lizzie. Which is... mildly upsetting to think about. and so begins our descent. you thought we couldn't go any farther down but you would be wrong.
Everybody hears a noise and realizes it's somebody in the other elevator, so they all get up and start yelling and pounding on the walls in unison. That's actually quite a step up for these people.
The moment passes pretty quickly, though.
aw, dag.
yeah, I don't think they heard you guys.
buuuuut I suppose we could stand here wondering about it for a while.
with our eyes.
(I just have to say a.) this makes me laugh until I cry, b.) I REALLY HOPE THIS WAS A LEGITIMATE DIRECTION. Like, "Hey, Amanda, listen. I know I just made you do this totally awkward sex scene and everything, but if you wouldn't mind, could you just stand there and let me film your eyes doing a 360? Great. Thanks.")
OH HELL, let's do one more for good measure. CAN'T HURT.
After a moment's silence, it becomes pretty clear to everyone that that didn't work.
baaaaawwwwhawwwhawwww
aaand back to our regularly scheduled programming. Gordon asks Cindy how she and Robert met, and she's all, "oh, teehee, well, he asked me out at the gym where I work. I mean, he didn't actually join the gym, but he did ask me out~"
Verdict?
hiiiiilaaaaar.
super hilar, even.
AND GUESS
WHAT
REVELATION #2: LIZZIE AND BERNIE KNOW ROBERT. the world cannot possibly get any smaller in this moment!
Gordon remains unconvinced that ~these people~ could ever be friends with ~his son~.
HOW WELL DO YOU KNOW YOUR SON, MR. GENTLE-MAN?
"As well as any father knows their child." Gordon says. He then asserts, rather smugly, that he is a good father.
yyyeeeeeaaaahhhhhnope, I don't think so.
Things get ~deep~ again about children, the art of raising them, blahblahblah. Gordon's all, "U DON'T NOE NETHING ABOUT KIDS" but Bernie and Lizzie are like "whatever man, we can tell you're basically the shittiest father ever."
you know, for a couple of sex-crazed assholes, they're really pretty smart. and cute. uguuuu~
deepdeepdeepdeepdeep
Gordon: Yeah, well, look. You try raising a child. It isn't easy. It's a tough world we live in. You can't always say what you think and feel; that can get you into trouble, big time.
Bernie: And that's what you taught your son?
Gordon: You're damn right!
Bernie: Same thing your father taught you?
Gordon: ...Yes.
Bernie: And look where we all end up, huh. Well-intentioned messes! So shut down and closed off, we wouldn't know a genuine feeling if it came up and bit us in the ass! We have thoughts about our feelings, we think we know what we should be feeling... but do you?
What are you feeling right now, Gordon?
[hahaha oh boy]
Gordon: ...Stuck.
[RIMSHOT]
Lizzie gets in on all the ~deep~ action, too.
Gordon: My family are none of your business.
Lizzie: "None of your business". God, that's a funny phrase, don't you think? I think it was invented to hide something. Keep people from discovering some deep, dark little secret.
"Whatcha hidin', Gordon~?"
dfksdhlfk oh geez.
erm, ah, well, y'see, that's uh- that's none of your-! oh. oh, you got me, you got me, you little scamp!
oh god
OH GOD
EVERYBODY DUCK AND COVEEEEEEEEEEEER
YEAH OKAY WHOA
WH- NO THAT'S- THAT'S NOT WHAT I MEANT BY DUCK AND COVER
OMG
GUESS WHAT, SHE'S NOT DONE
oh, but that Lizzie, what a card. That was all just one big j/k! Time to cuddle again! And to reveal that Gordon and Cindy don't know as much about Robert as they think they do, ooooohhhh. Looks like he dabbles in a little drugs, a little sex, a little rock 'n roll.
Everyone takes this opportunity to have a little bit of an intermission (lol I accidentally typed "intervention", please can they have that instead.)
aaaaand we're intermissioning, we're intermissioning...
zzzzzzzzzz
"Let's play a game."
NO OH GOD PLEASE NO DON'T PLAY THE GAME
DON'T PLAY THE GAME
seriously, you guys. you don't even know how much you do not want them to play the game.
Cindy CANNOT TAKE THIS SHIT ANYMORE and finally finally finally has a bit of an outburst:
"You know something, I can't believe you! You attack him, you almost strangle him, you attack us, your ridicule us, then you SCREW LIKE ANIMALS and now you want us to sit there all buddy-buddy and play a game!"
wow.
AAAA-PPLAUSE! It's about time!
"Yes!" Bernie triumphantly declares. "There is someone home! Finally, a spark, some fire, some passion! God, I was afraid that you were just like a stone-cold plastic bitch, but... yay!"
YAY
Bernie says some, you guessed it, ~deep~ things about life, and it's real preachy and I'm going to skip typing it out olol.
and I'll skip over to Cindy getting ready to talk about her mother and Lizzie being all, "TELL ME ABOUT YOUR MOTHER, LITTLE GIRL."
aw, well. Cindy adores her mother! Cindy admires her mother! Cindy thinks her mother's just about the greatest thing since sliced bread!
But, actually, Cindy secretly hates her mother! Cindy's super jealous of her mother because she's always in her shadow!
Also, love and hate coexist at the same time, this has been a PSA from our pal Lizzie.
And also Lizzie's mother is the same way and she fuckin' hates her for it.
uh oh uh oh, ~deep~ alert:
"Is it them? Or is it us? I mean, do we- do we make ourselves feel what we feel or do others do it to us?"
dang, that's some heavy shit, man.
time to bring it right back down with some good old-fashioned groping. hoorah!
AHAHA ohhhh gee, this little gem coming up right here. Cindy thinks that sex is private and that it's very inappropriate to do things like, you know, have it in an elevator in front of two other people, because it just should be o-okay. and Lizzie disagrees.
I'll just... I'll just leave this here.
"It's great. It's sexy, it's fun, it's erotic, it's the best. Why would you want to deprive other people of one of the best things about being alive? There is no single act I have yet discovered that compares with the sheer joy and exhilaration... of fucking."
PUH-REACH IT, SISTAH
"Oh, for Christ's sakes."
oh gordon. always the optimist, that one! what are we gonna do with him?
and then Lizzie only semi-randomly shouts, "FUCKING FOR THE RAINFOREST!" I mean, there's context, but we don't need no stinkin' context.
Gordon, quick, you're Roger Ebert. What's your review on Fucking For the Rainforest?
"I'm offended and disgusted by your thing, as you call it!"
ooh! That sounds like a no star-er.
Lizzie and Bernie ask some more pretentious questions and then Gordon says "new age gobbledygook" in a completely hilarious way. He puts all the emphasis on the "oo" in "gook" and I just die; brb saying that this way forever. Then he says some things about being annoyed that his ex-wife always used to make everything ~mean something~. THINKING! WHOAAAA MAN WHAT A CONCEPT.
AAAGGGHHH I CAN'T TAKE MUCH MORE OF THIS
Bernie and Gordon have a debate about "the majority" and ooh, if the majority says it's wrong does that really make it wrong and omg just shut up, everyone.
Gordon insists that the majority rules, and that you either have to be part of the majority or live as an ootcast (lest we forget everyone in this film speaks fluent Canada.) THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT IS! Man, Texas would looove you, Gordon.
um, and then he calls Lizzie a fuck-up and a disgrace. In those exact words. To her face. Right to her cute little face.
GORDON I SWEAR TO GOD I'M GONNA PUNCH YOU IN THE GODDAMN DICK. not like that would be new for you by this point.
ugh. ugh.
"You're too much," he tells Bernie. "You shoot her up with drugs, you fuck her in front of us, and then you sexually assault this young woman. And then you sit there like a righteous, pompous asshole and look down at me; you're too fucking much!"
"You ever notice you swear an awful lot, Gordon?" rofl.
"I only swear when I have to deal with fucking assholes who irritate the shit out of me, and this is definitely one of those times." thx 4 clarification.
oh man, and then the gloves. come. off! and Gordon unleashes with a horrible tirade at poor Cindy because, seriously, he's the biggest goddamn dick.
yo dawg you don't gotta yell at me I mean I've already been fuckin' molested in this movie; I think I've had more than my fair share of punishment.
Gordon is adamant that he is NOT FUCKING YELLING!!1 but I'm pretty sure I would call this yelling. He also says his EX-WIFE ALWAYS USED TO DO THIS, SAY HE WAS YELLING WHEN HE'S JUST FUCKING FRUSTRATED!! so. I don't know, guys, you think maybe his ex-wife is important to the continued deconstruction of his psyche?
"JESUS, WHAT IS IT WITH YOU WOMEN?! ARE YOU ALL CUT FROM THE SAME FUCKING MOLD?! DON'T ANY OF YOU HAVE A FUCKING BRAIN?! I'M NOT YELLING!!!11!!11"
dude.
dude.
you done? you want some fuckin' midol or something? geeeeeez.
Cindy says that they're all the same, that they yell and threaten and bully people, and then there's a super awkward and, again, mildly upsetting for real moment where Bernie's all, "lizzie do I bully people? are you lumping me in the same group as Gordon? I'm not a we or a they, Liz, I don't like being called that!"
omg he's not a we or a they, Liz! HE'S A SPECIAL SNOWFLAKE
um. I'm sensing some sads in this elevator. and you know what's not okay? People making Lizzie feel sads. That's pretty much the most unokay thing to ever be unokay.
oh god no you can't start crying because- because witch emotions. if you start, then I start, and we all start.
WHY, WHY IS THIS HAPPEN RIGHT NOW. WHYYYYYY.
noooooooooooooo ;_;
So, now they are fight. because Bernie absolutely cannot take being called a bully and thinking that Lizzie thinks he's a bully sometimes and hnnnng, bad feels all around, man.
peekaboo!
okay guys, seriously, is it time to hug this out yet?
LOOK AT HERRRRRR
LOOK AT HER FAAAAACE
THIS STOPS NOW. NO MORE SADS. YOU TWO HUG THIS OUT RIGHT NOW.
oh or kiss it out. whatever works.
nnnnnnn
lmfao butttttt I suppose that could only last for so long. lizzie get your head out of there, that's not where it goes.
oh god but: "Do you... do you guys wanna play the game now?"
so, for those who don't know about The Game, Bernie, please explain:
"Okay. This is how it goes: We each take turns telling a story about the most disturbing moment of our childhood. And, uh, when one person is done telling their story, we then go around and everybody takes a turn guessing whether or not the story is true or false."
oh. oh, this sounds great, let's play this for sure.
honestly, what could go wrong?
"What's the point of the game?" Gordon asks.
GORDON, I'LL TELL YOU WHAT THE POINT OF THE GAME IS: TO TRAUMATIZE EVERY SINGLE DAMN ONE OF US AND MAKE US WISH WE'D NEVER BEEN BORN.
"Whatever you want it to be," Bernie replies. "It can be about who's the best judge of character, who's the best liar, or it can simply be just about getting to know each other better."
YEAH, NO, IT'S ABOUT NONE OF THESE THINGS, I'M TELLIN' YOU.
CINDY DON'T DO IT
DON'T DO IT
GGGOOORRRDDDOOONNN DON'T MAKE ME COME OVER THERE
All right, guys. Start strapping the fuck in, 'cause shit's about to get so goddamn real. Kristen kept asking me, "WHAT HAPPENS AT THE END DO THEY ALL DIE?" no, they don't all die. BUT I DO. I DIE INSIDE SO HARD AND SO FAST AND IT'S PAINFUL AND HORRIBLE.
and you will, too, I guarantee it. We're not quite there yet, but... BE READY. LOOK AT MY FACE IT IS SO FUCKING SERIOUS. THIS IS PRETTY MUCH THE MOST SERIOUS ABOUT ANYTHING THAT I HAVE EVER BEEN.
anyway, everybody's all ready and raring to go to Game Land, but nobody wants to go first. So Bernie goes first. And he tells us a tale of when he was 6, and he decided he was going to be an actor when he grew up.
I had just watched Great Expectations with my mother on TV, you know the old black and white one? She cried almost the whole way through it. Those movies didn't have a lot in special effects, but WOW, they were powerful! And I'd never seen anything like it. I mean, the way it moved my mother...
So I decided right then and there, I was gonna be an actor when I grew up. And I was so thrilled! I mean, I knew I was only 6, but I knew that's what I wanted to do. That's what I wanted to be. And I was excited, I couldn't wait for my father to come home so I could tell him! I knew he'd be so proud of me and I'd get to see him smile that big smile he'd get whenever I did something that pleased him, you know?
He was a businessman. A very successful businessman, still is. You know the type, Gordon. Many nights he'd come home late because he'd be working and we'd already be in bed so we'd hardly get to see him.
This particular night? The longest night of my life. It took forever for him to come home. It was the first time I realized how cruel time can be, you know? Like it has a mind of its own and it plays with us. When you want the moment to fly by and it drags out forever and when you want the moment to last, it's like... over before you know it.
Anyhow, I spent the time in bed imagining our conversation. My father smiling and hugging me... something he rarely ever did, but... I knew for sure he would this night. My little heart was pounding and beating so fast, I swear it was just gonna rip right through my chest! You ever feel that way? You know, like, so certain about something... so exciting that the waiting is almost more fun than the doing? That's how I felt.
And then I heard it. The garage door opening, and his car pulling in, and him getting out and shutting the door. He drove a Jag; it had this really distinctive, classy, solid sound. And there I am, standing breathless in the hallway in anticipation. And I hear his key in the door, and then there he is! He's larger than life and just standing over me with this peculiar knit to his brow and he's looking down at me and he says, "Well, young man, what's that look for?"
And without hesitation I just blurted it out with, like, I was so sure of myself, "I'm gonna be an actor when I grow up, Daddy!"
And he looked at me square in the eye and he said, "Over my dead body."
And then, he, uh, he walked off in the dining room for his supper.
And, uh. I just stood there. I couldn't move for the longest time. And my heart felt like it had stopped.
And I wondered why I wasn't dead.
dag.
dag.
Legitimately sad. Legitimately makes me feel things. And we're only just getting started.
Oh, ps, was it true or false? Cindy said it was true because that was waaay too heartfelt to be false, and Gordon said it was false because, as we've already established, he's a goddamn dick. oh, and Lizzie obvs says it's true. And it was true. So congrats, Gordon, not only are you a dick, but you're also wrong, too.
Cindy guessed right first, so now it's her turn, yayayay! Except nonono, she's gonna take a pass.
BUT THIS IS THE MOTHERFUCKING STUCK GAME, CINDY. NOBODY GETS TO TAKE A PASS.
ho hum, look at me, I'm Gordon, and I don't need therapy and I'm too good for everyone, I'm just the goddamn king of the world.
oh man. Cindy's story. Okay, here we go.
When I was young, up until the age of 12, I was the apple of my father's eye. He praised me for everything I did. He came to all my recitals, and my games, and he drove me to band practice and figure skating practice, and those were really early mornings, but... he never complained. Not once. He was always there for me. He would buy me new clothes whenever I wanted, and he took the family and me on trips. God, he was just the best father any girl could ask for.
And I'm sure he would've continued to be if he and my mom hadn't broken up and she... forbid him to see me or have any contact with me. Anyway, I- I just tell you that because it helps explain what was the worst moment of my childhood.
One day, my sister came into my room and closed the door. I was 7 at the time, and she and my father had just had a fight. They never really got along. She was... she was always bugging him to buy her things and then he'd refuse and then they'd fight and yell and then eventually he'd give in and buy it for her.
Well, on this particular day, he wasn't gonna give in. He yelled and just stormed out of the house. And that's when she came into my room and closed the door and sat on my bed.
She told me that our father was a bad man and had done bad things to her. She said that she'd never want me to be alone with him and that she wanted to tell Mom, but she was afraid.
I told her to stop. I screamed at her that she was lying and that my father would never do anything bad. And she said that she was afraid I'd react that way and that's why she hadn't said anything sooner, but that she couldn't keep it to herself any longer.
I just screamed at her again, and then I threw myself down on the bed and I covered my head with a pillow and I just hummed really loud.
She takes this time to hum what she hummed. It goes on for a while. It's actually quite a disturbing moment.
And after a long, long time of me doing that, my sister just yelling at me and shaking at me and trying to get me to hear her... it was just quiet.
And I lifted my head from the pillow and I turned around... and she was gone. She'd gone into her room, and... packed some things... and left. Just like that.
ohhhh my stomach. I can't even type the rest, I'm just done. She says she never came back, that she thinks a friend saw her once a couple of years ago on the strip, and "she looked really rough." jfc, movie, what the hell is this. You torture us for so long and then you fuckin' bring out the real guns? like, oh, j/k, everything before was just nothing, the real pain begins now. JUST KILL ME AND GET IT OVER WITH, I CAN'T. TAKE. THIS.
"So," she asks. "What do you think? True or false?"
UM, THIS SHIT BETTER... you better not have made that shit up, man. that'd be sick.
"Well, you're all wrong! It was false!"
WAT
HAHAHA OH GUESS WHAT?
NOT FUNNY
"Well... most of it.
...Some of it was true.
You know, it was... it was a really long time ago, and..."
aw, Cindy. :(
Now we have Gordon's story, which, my fingers are getting tired and I'm not even to... ngggggh. So I'm just gonna summarize his:
Basically, Gordon's story is A Christmas Story, complete with wanting a Red Rider BB Gun, except instead of his dad being the asshole, it's his mom, and his mom isn't all secretly warm and fuzzy inside like Ralphie's dad, but is actually a real honest-to-god prick. He said he didn't want gifts for Christmas because he thought he could trick his mom into not figuring out just how much he wanted the bb gun, but come Christmas, his mom was all, "Oh. But you said you didn't want presents~" and his dad tried to get it for him but agaksdfhglkahl.
And it actually makes me feel a little bad for Gordon. Just a little bit. He went so long trying to hide his emotions because his mom would get mad at him every time he was happy, so it's obvious why he is the way he is now. This is a guy that's repressed everything for so long that he's actually incapable of comprehending how truly miserable he is.
And that's the most depressing thing I've ever heard of.
Even more depressing? He tries to pass it off as fake. But it's really really obvious that he's lying.
oh god. oh god heeeeere we go. heeeeere we fucking go.
This is it, guys. The realest of the real. god, I don't even know if I can do this a second time.
No more wisecracks. No more witty comments. No nothing, this is it. This right here is the moment I mentioned in the very beginning, the one that actually succeeds, and it's all thanks to the fact a.) it is heinously nauseating b.) a-tapps knocks it right out of the park. Right out of the goddamn park. I just- It's just impossible to deal, it's absolutely impossible to deal with these words coming out of her mouth, and she just nails every single bit of it to a soul-crushing degree, because she is a-tapps, and she can quite literally do no wrong.
all right.
Lizzie's story.
here we go.
Well, my father fucked me when I was a kid.
He'd single me out from my older sister who he treated like a queen. He'd make me do stupid things like clean the kitchen with a toothbrush. I mean, not just the counter. The entire fucking kitchen. I wasn't allowed to eat or go to sleep until I had finished to his satisfaction. I was exhausted and starving and so humiliated. And then I'd have to call him in for inspection. And he'd take his time coming. And no matter what room we were in or how many times he had done this to me, he would always find something wrong. If all else failed, he'd reach his hand up above the door sill and run it along. I was too short to reach it, even on a chair.
So then he'd have his excuse to beat me. And he just fucking wailed on me.
My mother would be God knows where in her own little world... grateful, I guess, later that it wasn't happening to her. My sister... [laughs] My sister, would always come up with these great ideas for how I could avoid his wrath. But it never worked. He wanted me. And no matter what I did, he would always find an excuse to punish me.
And when the beating was over? The real punishment would begin. He'd have sex with me. Rough, brutal, violent sex. And when he was finished, he'd lay on top of me, and whisper into my ear that he was making me into the perfect whore for other men to enjoy. I can still hear his voice to this day. Heavy, post-sex breath as he'd whisper those words. He'd squeeze my nipples so tight, God. I didn't have breasts when he started doing this, and even when I developed them, he'd only ever squeeze my nipples.
Kinda like the way I like you to do it to this day, baby. Isn't that sick?
"It's not your fault, sweetheart," Bernie tells her.
It's not? Whose is it? Huh? My mother? My sister? He didn't do it to them, he only ever did it to me. Which is why, to this day, they still don't believe me. They think I am some very sick, twisted person for making it all up.
The day I ran away from home, I confronted him in front of them. And he denied, denied, denied. And they turned on me in such a rage. Man, I left in fear of them as much as him. And the friends, and the neighbors, a lot of them knew. And they chose to say nothing.
One day, he had some friends over for beer and barbecue in the backyard. And the drunker he got, the bolder he got.
He ordered me to come outside and meet his friends.
I was just a little kid.
He held me upside down over the railing, and he stuck his fingers inside me.
No one did anything. No one said anything, nothing happened. There I was, upside down, half-naked, in front of a group of grown men with my father's fingers inside me and nobody did anything; now, do you realize how easy it is to assume that it's your fault when no one in the world does anything?!
That makes it normal, doesn't it? By your definition, Gordon? If nobody does anything, isn't my father's behavior "normal"?
He forbid me to wear underwear. He said it was for grown women only, not little girls. he used to inspect me every day before I went to school; he'd reach his hand up underneath my skirt to make sure that I was naked. My mother, standing only a few feet away. When I confronted her about it as an adult, she said she simply had no idea that that was going on. How convenient, huh?
You wanna know the sick part of the story?
Many years later, I decided to confront my father. It was supposed to help me find "closure". I decided to meet him in a restaurant downtown. We met and I told him everything and surprisingly, he listened, and more surprisingly, he admitted to everything. And he smiled at me... and told me to come on into the back laneway and suck his dick.
Here's the sick part: I wanted to suck his dick.
But it took everything I had to get out of that restaurant. And I ran to my car and I... I masturbated right there in the parking lot.
And then he died. And I was finally free of him.
There is a very long pause.
"That's insane! Why didn't you go to the police?!"
"I did."
"And what did they do?"
"Nothing."
"That's impossible; they must've done something!"
"They did nothing. Absolutely nothing. It was a small town and they knew my father. They liked him. Staff sergeant actually patted me on the ass and told me to go home and stop making trouble."
"Why didn't you go to another city, another police department?! They would've done something!"
"You know... asshole, that's not how it feels when it's happening to you! It feels like no one will ever believe you!"
"God, it drives me crazy how people give up so quickly!"
GIVE UP?! FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! I did not give up! I have spent my entire fucking life trying to get people to believe me! Social workers, therapists, yes, even police and prosecuters. You know, some of them actually said they believed me, but there wasn't much they could do after all this time. Not much of a case, especially with all the backlash from the false memory syndromes.
But I did not give up.
Your precious fucking system just didn't listen. Seems it was too much for your great majority to handle! So they just pushed it away and me along with it!
You know, not a day has gone by where I didn't want to die. I almost succeeded a few times. Paramedics and my... my meddling friends were too quick to find me.
But one day, you son of a bitch... I guarantee you I'm gonna get it right.
She flips him off and collapses back against the wall.
Cindy silently cries.
And then there's a voice that doesn't belong to any of them.
"Hello? Is anybody there?"
"Yes!" Gordon responds. "Hello! We're here in the elevator!"
The voice says it's the fire department; they'll have them out in a few minutes.
"Thank God," Gordon says.
"Yeah," says Bernie. "He played a big part in it, all right, couldn'ta done it without him. Too bad he didn't hear the cries of a little girl who was brutalized repeatedly by her father."
"Look," Gordon says as he pulls on his jacket. "We're gonna be out of here soon. I'm not gonna get into that discussion with you. God works-"
"Yeah, in mysterious ways!"
"Yes. He does."
"So does the Devil.
I personally find it hard to tell them apart."
"Well, I think you've just gotta have faith. It's about having faith."
"Oh," Bernie says, "that's real easy to say unless you've had all your faith sucked out of you."
"You think I'd be here today," Lizzie asks, "if I didn't have faith?" She laughs. "Jesus, I honestly believe it's gonna get better!
But it never does.
Fuck, if I didn't have faith, I'd try to off myself 24/7. Not just once in a while."
"Well, I think it's about having faith in something more than just believing it's gonna get better," Gordon says.
"Faith in what, Gordon?" Bernie asks. "Which one of the many gods is the right one this week, huh? Or is it faith in power? Drugs? Sex? Rock 'n roll? Government? Money? Which one are we supposed to have faith in? Don't you dare speak to me about some abstract Sunday school version of God as a white man with a white beard."
Gordon hesitates. "Well, it's... faith in yourself."
Now Bernie hesitates. "I can accept that."
And that's it.
That's the end of the movie.
Cindy wipes her skirt off, curses, laments that it's filthy.
Bernie and Lizzie kiss, gather up their things, and level one last glare in Gordon's direction.
And Gordon adjusts his tie and says, "Well. It's been an interesting time."
And then it cuts to black.
The end.
Das fin.
Bet you're glad you came on this journey with me.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go vomit.
have a nice day
- cheapmetaphor
goooooooood morning, friends. Ready for another dose of sanity-eroding cinema? Brace yourselves for round 2, 'cause it's coming up right now. Hopefully I can push through and finish the whole movie without us needing a round 3, because that would be cruel and unusual punishment for all of us. Especially me.
The same warnings apply: things that can never be unread, things that can never be unseen, etc. etc. But luckily, we already passed the blatantly nsfw part. That doesn't mean we're anywhere near out of the woods yet, though. Far from it, in fact.
so far from it.
hold my hand.
hooooooo boy. Everybody remembers what happened last time, right? As if anyone could ever forget.
Right, so. Here we are, fresh from that... scene. they're disgusting, Gordon's a very unhappy man, inappropriate placement of moemoe chipmunk laughter, yaddayaddayadda.
Gordon grumbles that he just wants to get out of here and get on with his day, and I get that. I'm feeling that right now, in fact. Fancy that.
Bernie remembers that ah, yes, Gordon's here to visit his son. Lizzie asks, "What's his name?"
And Gordon crankily replies, "Robert."
DUN
DUN
DUNNNNNNNN
~REVELATION TIME~
ROBERT
IS
CINDY'S BOYFRIEND!! OH MY GOSH
MEANING
THAT
those two sex demons over there have already figured it out, have you?
MEANING THAT CINDY'S BOYFRIEND'S DAD JUST MADE A MOVE ON HER.
YOU MAY BEGIN YOUR APPLAUSE... NOW.
okay, lmao, something that's actually legitimately funny: There's a really awkward pause as Gordon and Cindy stare at each other, and then Gordon says, "...Hi, I'm Gordon." Bernie and Lizzie cannot even contain themselves and they absolutely erupt in laughter.
They get cozy and shit starts getting ~deep~ again, this time concerning marriage. Whatever, though, I think the most important thing to note is that Bernie ends up barking like a dog.
And Lizzie ends up doing... this.
she doesn't actually give him a blowjob, but, as they say, the sentiment was genuine.
Bernie asks Cindy what Robert has to say about his old man, and Cindy says, "...not much." Lizzie and Bernie make some good, "ooooh, ya BURNT" noises and things just keep on truckin' toward Awkward City.
They keep pressuring Cindy to tell them what Robert says about his dear old dad, but Gordon says it's okay, she doesn't have to explain anything. "Robert and I have been estranged for some time," he admits. I can't imagine why, though. I mean, Gordon, you're just such a stand-up guy. What is there not to like about you, I mean, honestly.
Then he says that "He's been very angry since the divorce, blamed the whole thing on me." and then lmao, "He doesn't realize that his mother wasn't exactly a saint." ohoho man. See what I mean? Stand. up. guy.
And THEN he says, "I'm not exactly sure we're meant to be monogamous, you know?" No, Gordon, I don't know, why don't you talk about it some more while making out with your son's girlfriend?
oh, Cindy, I feel ya.
Gordon waxes eloquent some more about how it takes two to make a divorce, but he does it by bashing his wife which personally does not encourage me to think he's anything but a total douchebag.
Cindy brings out a good question, though: ~wasn't there another woman~?
AW DAG, THERE SURE WAS. But you know them bitches, always ~thinking with their hearts~ and all that jazz! And shoot, I can't be assed to ~work at love~ or anything like that, "you either feel it or you don't," so I figured it was more than past time for me to go bone some hot piece of ass. All those years in a loveless marriage, I deserved it!
you might think I'm exaggerating, but this is exactly what Gordon says, just not in so many... words. goddamnit, what a fucking prick. THIS IS AN ENVIRONMENT OF WELCOMING, GORDON. GO STAND IN THE CORNER WITH FIFTH.
mte, gurl. mte.
Even these two aren't buyin' this shit.
lmao well, then Bernie calls him a socialist and Gordon scoffs. "Not on your fucking life. I'm a ~free enterprise capitalist~." oh, Gordon. Just keeeep diggin' yourself into that hole of unlikeability. You have a while to go before you hit solid rock, so why not just go the whole nine yards?
well, then we get another fun revelation in the fact that Bernie doesn't actually do drugs. He just supplies them. For Lizzie. Which is... mildly upsetting to think about. and so begins our descent. you thought we couldn't go any farther down but you would be wrong.
Everybody hears a noise and realizes it's somebody in the other elevator, so they all get up and start yelling and pounding on the walls in unison. That's actually quite a step up for these people.
The moment passes pretty quickly, though.
aw, dag.
yeah, I don't think they heard you guys.
buuuuut I suppose we could stand here wondering about it for a while.
with our eyes.
(I just have to say a.) this makes me laugh until I cry, b.) I REALLY HOPE THIS WAS A LEGITIMATE DIRECTION. Like, "Hey, Amanda, listen. I know I just made you do this totally awkward sex scene and everything, but if you wouldn't mind, could you just stand there and let me film your eyes doing a 360? Great. Thanks.")
OH HELL, let's do one more for good measure. CAN'T HURT.
After a moment's silence, it becomes pretty clear to everyone that that didn't work.
baaaaawwwwhawwwhawwww
aaand back to our regularly scheduled programming. Gordon asks Cindy how she and Robert met, and she's all, "oh, teehee, well, he asked me out at the gym where I work. I mean, he didn't actually join the gym, but he did ask me out~"
Verdict?
hiiiiilaaaaar.
super hilar, even.
AND GUESS
WHAT
REVELATION #2: LIZZIE AND BERNIE KNOW ROBERT. the world cannot possibly get any smaller in this moment!
Gordon remains unconvinced that ~these people~ could ever be friends with ~his son~.
HOW WELL DO YOU KNOW YOUR SON, MR. GENTLE-MAN?
"As well as any father knows their child." Gordon says. He then asserts, rather smugly, that he is a good father.
yyyeeeeeaaaahhhhhnope, I don't think so.
Things get ~deep~ again about children, the art of raising them, blahblahblah. Gordon's all, "U DON'T NOE NETHING ABOUT KIDS" but Bernie and Lizzie are like "whatever man, we can tell you're basically the shittiest father ever."
you know, for a couple of sex-crazed assholes, they're really pretty smart. and cute. uguuuu~
deepdeepdeepdeepdeep
Gordon: Yeah, well, look. You try raising a child. It isn't easy. It's a tough world we live in. You can't always say what you think and feel; that can get you into trouble, big time.
Bernie: And that's what you taught your son?
Gordon: You're damn right!
Bernie: Same thing your father taught you?
Gordon: ...Yes.
Bernie: And look where we all end up, huh. Well-intentioned messes! So shut down and closed off, we wouldn't know a genuine feeling if it came up and bit us in the ass! We have thoughts about our feelings, we think we know what we should be feeling... but do you?
What are you feeling right now, Gordon?
[hahaha oh boy]
Gordon: ...Stuck.
[RIMSHOT]
Lizzie gets in on all the ~deep~ action, too.
Gordon: My family are none of your business.
Lizzie: "None of your business". God, that's a funny phrase, don't you think? I think it was invented to hide something. Keep people from discovering some deep, dark little secret.
"Whatcha hidin', Gordon~?"
dfksdhlfk oh geez.
erm, ah, well, y'see, that's uh- that's none of your-! oh. oh, you got me, you got me, you little scamp!
oh god
OH GOD
EVERYBODY DUCK AND COVEEEEEEEEEEEER
YEAH OKAY WHOA
WH- NO THAT'S- THAT'S NOT WHAT I MEANT BY DUCK AND COVER
OMG
GUESS WHAT, SHE'S NOT DONE
oh, but that Lizzie, what a card. That was all just one big j/k! Time to cuddle again! And to reveal that Gordon and Cindy don't know as much about Robert as they think they do, ooooohhhh. Looks like he dabbles in a little drugs, a little sex, a little rock 'n roll.
Everyone takes this opportunity to have a little bit of an intermission (lol I accidentally typed "intervention", please can they have that instead.)
aaaaand we're intermissioning, we're intermissioning...
zzzzzzzzzz
"Let's play a game."
NO OH GOD PLEASE NO DON'T PLAY THE GAME
DON'T PLAY THE GAME
seriously, you guys. you don't even know how much you do not want them to play the game.
Cindy CANNOT TAKE THIS SHIT ANYMORE and finally finally finally has a bit of an outburst:
"You know something, I can't believe you! You attack him, you almost strangle him, you attack us, your ridicule us, then you SCREW LIKE ANIMALS and now you want us to sit there all buddy-buddy and play a game!"
wow.
AAAA-PPLAUSE! It's about time!
"Yes!" Bernie triumphantly declares. "There is someone home! Finally, a spark, some fire, some passion! God, I was afraid that you were just like a stone-cold plastic bitch, but... yay!"
YAY
Bernie says some, you guessed it, ~deep~ things about life, and it's real preachy and I'm going to skip typing it out olol.
and I'll skip over to Cindy getting ready to talk about her mother and Lizzie being all, "TELL ME ABOUT YOUR MOTHER, LITTLE GIRL."
aw, well. Cindy adores her mother! Cindy admires her mother! Cindy thinks her mother's just about the greatest thing since sliced bread!
But, actually, Cindy secretly hates her mother! Cindy's super jealous of her mother because she's always in her shadow!
Also, love and hate coexist at the same time, this has been a PSA from our pal Lizzie.
And also Lizzie's mother is the same way and she fuckin' hates her for it.
uh oh uh oh, ~deep~ alert:
"Is it them? Or is it us? I mean, do we- do we make ourselves feel what we feel or do others do it to us?"
dang, that's some heavy shit, man.
time to bring it right back down with some good old-fashioned groping. hoorah!
AHAHA ohhhh gee, this little gem coming up right here. Cindy thinks that sex is private and that it's very inappropriate to do things like, you know, have it in an elevator in front of two other people, because it just should be o-okay. and Lizzie disagrees.
I'll just... I'll just leave this here.
"It's great. It's sexy, it's fun, it's erotic, it's the best. Why would you want to deprive other people of one of the best things about being alive? There is no single act I have yet discovered that compares with the sheer joy and exhilaration... of fucking."
PUH-REACH IT, SISTAH
"Oh, for Christ's sakes."
oh gordon. always the optimist, that one! what are we gonna do with him?
and then Lizzie only semi-randomly shouts, "FUCKING FOR THE RAINFOREST!" I mean, there's context, but we don't need no stinkin' context.
Gordon, quick, you're Roger Ebert. What's your review on Fucking For the Rainforest?
"I'm offended and disgusted by your thing, as you call it!"
ooh! That sounds like a no star-er.
Lizzie and Bernie ask some more pretentious questions and then Gordon says "new age gobbledygook" in a completely hilarious way. He puts all the emphasis on the "oo" in "gook" and I just die; brb saying that this way forever. Then he says some things about being annoyed that his ex-wife always used to make everything ~mean something~. THINKING! WHOAAAA MAN WHAT A CONCEPT.
AAAGGGHHH I CAN'T TAKE MUCH MORE OF THIS
Bernie and Gordon have a debate about "the majority" and ooh, if the majority says it's wrong does that really make it wrong and omg just shut up, everyone.
Gordon insists that the majority rules, and that you either have to be part of the majority or live as an ootcast (lest we forget everyone in this film speaks fluent Canada.) THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT IS! Man, Texas would looove you, Gordon.
um, and then he calls Lizzie a fuck-up and a disgrace. In those exact words. To her face. Right to her cute little face.
GORDON I SWEAR TO GOD I'M GONNA PUNCH YOU IN THE GODDAMN DICK. not like that would be new for you by this point.
ugh. ugh.
"You're too much," he tells Bernie. "You shoot her up with drugs, you fuck her in front of us, and then you sexually assault this young woman. And then you sit there like a righteous, pompous asshole and look down at me; you're too fucking much!"
"You ever notice you swear an awful lot, Gordon?" rofl.
"I only swear when I have to deal with fucking assholes who irritate the shit out of me, and this is definitely one of those times." thx 4 clarification.
oh man, and then the gloves. come. off! and Gordon unleashes with a horrible tirade at poor Cindy because, seriously, he's the biggest goddamn dick.
yo dawg you don't gotta yell at me I mean I've already been fuckin' molested in this movie; I think I've had more than my fair share of punishment.
Gordon is adamant that he is NOT FUCKING YELLING!!1 but I'm pretty sure I would call this yelling. He also says his EX-WIFE ALWAYS USED TO DO THIS, SAY HE WAS YELLING WHEN HE'S JUST FUCKING FRUSTRATED!! so. I don't know, guys, you think maybe his ex-wife is important to the continued deconstruction of his psyche?
"JESUS, WHAT IS IT WITH YOU WOMEN?! ARE YOU ALL CUT FROM THE SAME FUCKING MOLD?! DON'T ANY OF YOU HAVE A FUCKING BRAIN?! I'M NOT YELLING!!!11!!11"
dude.
dude.
you done? you want some fuckin' midol or something? geeeeeez.
Cindy says that they're all the same, that they yell and threaten and bully people, and then there's a super awkward and, again, mildly upsetting for real moment where Bernie's all, "lizzie do I bully people? are you lumping me in the same group as Gordon? I'm not a we or a they, Liz, I don't like being called that!"
omg he's not a we or a they, Liz! HE'S A SPECIAL SNOWFLAKE
um. I'm sensing some sads in this elevator. and you know what's not okay? People making Lizzie feel sads. That's pretty much the most unokay thing to ever be unokay.
oh god no you can't start crying because- because witch emotions. if you start, then I start, and we all start.
WHY, WHY IS THIS HAPPEN RIGHT NOW. WHYYYYYY.
noooooooooooooo ;_;
So, now they are fight. because Bernie absolutely cannot take being called a bully and thinking that Lizzie thinks he's a bully sometimes and hnnnng, bad feels all around, man.
peekaboo!
okay guys, seriously, is it time to hug this out yet?
LOOK AT HERRRRRR
LOOK AT HER FAAAAACE
THIS STOPS NOW. NO MORE SADS. YOU TWO HUG THIS OUT RIGHT NOW.
oh or kiss it out. whatever works.
nnnnnnn
lmfao butttttt I suppose that could only last for so long. lizzie get your head out of there, that's not where it goes.
oh god but: "Do you... do you guys wanna play the game now?"
so, for those who don't know about The Game, Bernie, please explain:
"Okay. This is how it goes: We each take turns telling a story about the most disturbing moment of our childhood. And, uh, when one person is done telling their story, we then go around and everybody takes a turn guessing whether or not the story is true or false."
oh. oh, this sounds great, let's play this for sure.
honestly, what could go wrong?
"What's the point of the game?" Gordon asks.
GORDON, I'LL TELL YOU WHAT THE POINT OF THE GAME IS: TO TRAUMATIZE EVERY SINGLE DAMN ONE OF US AND MAKE US WISH WE'D NEVER BEEN BORN.
"Whatever you want it to be," Bernie replies. "It can be about who's the best judge of character, who's the best liar, or it can simply be just about getting to know each other better."
YEAH, NO, IT'S ABOUT NONE OF THESE THINGS, I'M TELLIN' YOU.
CINDY DON'T DO IT
DON'T DO IT
GGGOOORRRDDDOOONNN DON'T MAKE ME COME OVER THERE
All right, guys. Start strapping the fuck in, 'cause shit's about to get so goddamn real. Kristen kept asking me, "WHAT HAPPENS AT THE END DO THEY ALL DIE?" no, they don't all die. BUT I DO. I DIE INSIDE SO HARD AND SO FAST AND IT'S PAINFUL AND HORRIBLE.
and you will, too, I guarantee it. We're not quite there yet, but... BE READY. LOOK AT MY FACE IT IS SO FUCKING SERIOUS. THIS IS PRETTY MUCH THE MOST SERIOUS ABOUT ANYTHING THAT I HAVE EVER BEEN.
anyway, everybody's all ready and raring to go to Game Land, but nobody wants to go first. So Bernie goes first. And he tells us a tale of when he was 6, and he decided he was going to be an actor when he grew up.
I had just watched Great Expectations with my mother on TV, you know the old black and white one? She cried almost the whole way through it. Those movies didn't have a lot in special effects, but WOW, they were powerful! And I'd never seen anything like it. I mean, the way it moved my mother...
So I decided right then and there, I was gonna be an actor when I grew up. And I was so thrilled! I mean, I knew I was only 6, but I knew that's what I wanted to do. That's what I wanted to be. And I was excited, I couldn't wait for my father to come home so I could tell him! I knew he'd be so proud of me and I'd get to see him smile that big smile he'd get whenever I did something that pleased him, you know?
He was a businessman. A very successful businessman, still is. You know the type, Gordon. Many nights he'd come home late because he'd be working and we'd already be in bed so we'd hardly get to see him.
This particular night? The longest night of my life. It took forever for him to come home. It was the first time I realized how cruel time can be, you know? Like it has a mind of its own and it plays with us. When you want the moment to fly by and it drags out forever and when you want the moment to last, it's like... over before you know it.
Anyhow, I spent the time in bed imagining our conversation. My father smiling and hugging me... something he rarely ever did, but... I knew for sure he would this night. My little heart was pounding and beating so fast, I swear it was just gonna rip right through my chest! You ever feel that way? You know, like, so certain about something... so exciting that the waiting is almost more fun than the doing? That's how I felt.
And then I heard it. The garage door opening, and his car pulling in, and him getting out and shutting the door. He drove a Jag; it had this really distinctive, classy, solid sound. And there I am, standing breathless in the hallway in anticipation. And I hear his key in the door, and then there he is! He's larger than life and just standing over me with this peculiar knit to his brow and he's looking down at me and he says, "Well, young man, what's that look for?"
And without hesitation I just blurted it out with, like, I was so sure of myself, "I'm gonna be an actor when I grow up, Daddy!"
And he looked at me square in the eye and he said, "Over my dead body."
And then, he, uh, he walked off in the dining room for his supper.
And, uh. I just stood there. I couldn't move for the longest time. And my heart felt like it had stopped.
And I wondered why I wasn't dead.
dag.
dag.
Legitimately sad. Legitimately makes me feel things. And we're only just getting started.
Oh, ps, was it true or false? Cindy said it was true because that was waaay too heartfelt to be false, and Gordon said it was false because, as we've already established, he's a goddamn dick. oh, and Lizzie obvs says it's true. And it was true. So congrats, Gordon, not only are you a dick, but you're also wrong, too.
Cindy guessed right first, so now it's her turn, yayayay! Except nonono, she's gonna take a pass.
BUT THIS IS THE MOTHERFUCKING STUCK GAME, CINDY. NOBODY GETS TO TAKE A PASS.
ho hum, look at me, I'm Gordon, and I don't need therapy and I'm too good for everyone, I'm just the goddamn king of the world.
oh man. Cindy's story. Okay, here we go.
When I was young, up until the age of 12, I was the apple of my father's eye. He praised me for everything I did. He came to all my recitals, and my games, and he drove me to band practice and figure skating practice, and those were really early mornings, but... he never complained. Not once. He was always there for me. He would buy me new clothes whenever I wanted, and he took the family and me on trips. God, he was just the best father any girl could ask for.
And I'm sure he would've continued to be if he and my mom hadn't broken up and she... forbid him to see me or have any contact with me. Anyway, I- I just tell you that because it helps explain what was the worst moment of my childhood.
One day, my sister came into my room and closed the door. I was 7 at the time, and she and my father had just had a fight. They never really got along. She was... she was always bugging him to buy her things and then he'd refuse and then they'd fight and yell and then eventually he'd give in and buy it for her.
Well, on this particular day, he wasn't gonna give in. He yelled and just stormed out of the house. And that's when she came into my room and closed the door and sat on my bed.
She told me that our father was a bad man and had done bad things to her. She said that she'd never want me to be alone with him and that she wanted to tell Mom, but she was afraid.
I told her to stop. I screamed at her that she was lying and that my father would never do anything bad. And she said that she was afraid I'd react that way and that's why she hadn't said anything sooner, but that she couldn't keep it to herself any longer.
I just screamed at her again, and then I threw myself down on the bed and I covered my head with a pillow and I just hummed really loud.
She takes this time to hum what she hummed. It goes on for a while. It's actually quite a disturbing moment.
And after a long, long time of me doing that, my sister just yelling at me and shaking at me and trying to get me to hear her... it was just quiet.
And I lifted my head from the pillow and I turned around... and she was gone. She'd gone into her room, and... packed some things... and left. Just like that.
ohhhh my stomach. I can't even type the rest, I'm just done. She says she never came back, that she thinks a friend saw her once a couple of years ago on the strip, and "she looked really rough." jfc, movie, what the hell is this. You torture us for so long and then you fuckin' bring out the real guns? like, oh, j/k, everything before was just nothing, the real pain begins now. JUST KILL ME AND GET IT OVER WITH, I CAN'T. TAKE. THIS.
"So," she asks. "What do you think? True or false?"
UM, THIS SHIT BETTER... you better not have made that shit up, man. that'd be sick.
"Well, you're all wrong! It was false!"
WAT
HAHAHA OH GUESS WHAT?
NOT FUNNY
"Well... most of it.
...Some of it was true.
You know, it was... it was a really long time ago, and..."
aw, Cindy. :(
Now we have Gordon's story, which, my fingers are getting tired and I'm not even to... ngggggh. So I'm just gonna summarize his:
Basically, Gordon's story is A Christmas Story, complete with wanting a Red Rider BB Gun, except instead of his dad being the asshole, it's his mom, and his mom isn't all secretly warm and fuzzy inside like Ralphie's dad, but is actually a real honest-to-god prick. He said he didn't want gifts for Christmas because he thought he could trick his mom into not figuring out just how much he wanted the bb gun, but come Christmas, his mom was all, "Oh. But you said you didn't want presents~" and his dad tried to get it for him but agaksdfhglkahl.
And it actually makes me feel a little bad for Gordon. Just a little bit. He went so long trying to hide his emotions because his mom would get mad at him every time he was happy, so it's obvious why he is the way he is now. This is a guy that's repressed everything for so long that he's actually incapable of comprehending how truly miserable he is.
And that's the most depressing thing I've ever heard of.
Even more depressing? He tries to pass it off as fake. But it's really really obvious that he's lying.
oh god. oh god heeeeere we go. heeeeere we fucking go.
This is it, guys. The realest of the real. god, I don't even know if I can do this a second time.
No more wisecracks. No more witty comments. No nothing, this is it. This right here is the moment I mentioned in the very beginning, the one that actually succeeds, and it's all thanks to the fact a.) it is heinously nauseating b.) a-tapps knocks it right out of the park. Right out of the goddamn park. I just- It's just impossible to deal, it's absolutely impossible to deal with these words coming out of her mouth, and she just nails every single bit of it to a soul-crushing degree, because she is a-tapps, and she can quite literally do no wrong.
all right.
Lizzie's story.
here we go.
Well, my father fucked me when I was a kid.
He'd single me out from my older sister who he treated like a queen. He'd make me do stupid things like clean the kitchen with a toothbrush. I mean, not just the counter. The entire fucking kitchen. I wasn't allowed to eat or go to sleep until I had finished to his satisfaction. I was exhausted and starving and so humiliated. And then I'd have to call him in for inspection. And he'd take his time coming. And no matter what room we were in or how many times he had done this to me, he would always find something wrong. If all else failed, he'd reach his hand up above the door sill and run it along. I was too short to reach it, even on a chair.
So then he'd have his excuse to beat me. And he just fucking wailed on me.
My mother would be God knows where in her own little world... grateful, I guess, later that it wasn't happening to her. My sister... [laughs] My sister, would always come up with these great ideas for how I could avoid his wrath. But it never worked. He wanted me. And no matter what I did, he would always find an excuse to punish me.
And when the beating was over? The real punishment would begin. He'd have sex with me. Rough, brutal, violent sex. And when he was finished, he'd lay on top of me, and whisper into my ear that he was making me into the perfect whore for other men to enjoy. I can still hear his voice to this day. Heavy, post-sex breath as he'd whisper those words. He'd squeeze my nipples so tight, God. I didn't have breasts when he started doing this, and even when I developed them, he'd only ever squeeze my nipples.
Kinda like the way I like you to do it to this day, baby. Isn't that sick?
"It's not your fault, sweetheart," Bernie tells her.
It's not? Whose is it? Huh? My mother? My sister? He didn't do it to them, he only ever did it to me. Which is why, to this day, they still don't believe me. They think I am some very sick, twisted person for making it all up.
The day I ran away from home, I confronted him in front of them. And he denied, denied, denied. And they turned on me in such a rage. Man, I left in fear of them as much as him. And the friends, and the neighbors, a lot of them knew. And they chose to say nothing.
One day, he had some friends over for beer and barbecue in the backyard. And the drunker he got, the bolder he got.
He ordered me to come outside and meet his friends.
I was just a little kid.
He held me upside down over the railing, and he stuck his fingers inside me.
No one did anything. No one said anything, nothing happened. There I was, upside down, half-naked, in front of a group of grown men with my father's fingers inside me and nobody did anything; now, do you realize how easy it is to assume that it's your fault when no one in the world does anything?!
That makes it normal, doesn't it? By your definition, Gordon? If nobody does anything, isn't my father's behavior "normal"?
He forbid me to wear underwear. He said it was for grown women only, not little girls. he used to inspect me every day before I went to school; he'd reach his hand up underneath my skirt to make sure that I was naked. My mother, standing only a few feet away. When I confronted her about it as an adult, she said she simply had no idea that that was going on. How convenient, huh?
You wanna know the sick part of the story?
Many years later, I decided to confront my father. It was supposed to help me find "closure". I decided to meet him in a restaurant downtown. We met and I told him everything and surprisingly, he listened, and more surprisingly, he admitted to everything. And he smiled at me... and told me to come on into the back laneway and suck his dick.
Here's the sick part: I wanted to suck his dick.
But it took everything I had to get out of that restaurant. And I ran to my car and I... I masturbated right there in the parking lot.
And then he died. And I was finally free of him.
There is a very long pause.
"That's insane! Why didn't you go to the police?!"
"I did."
"And what did they do?"
"Nothing."
"That's impossible; they must've done something!"
"They did nothing. Absolutely nothing. It was a small town and they knew my father. They liked him. Staff sergeant actually patted me on the ass and told me to go home and stop making trouble."
"Why didn't you go to another city, another police department?! They would've done something!"
"You know... asshole, that's not how it feels when it's happening to you! It feels like no one will ever believe you!"
"God, it drives me crazy how people give up so quickly!"
GIVE UP?! FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! I did not give up! I have spent my entire fucking life trying to get people to believe me! Social workers, therapists, yes, even police and prosecuters. You know, some of them actually said they believed me, but there wasn't much they could do after all this time. Not much of a case, especially with all the backlash from the false memory syndromes.
But I did not give up.
Your precious fucking system just didn't listen. Seems it was too much for your great majority to handle! So they just pushed it away and me along with it!
You know, not a day has gone by where I didn't want to die. I almost succeeded a few times. Paramedics and my... my meddling friends were too quick to find me.
But one day, you son of a bitch... I guarantee you I'm gonna get it right.
She flips him off and collapses back against the wall.
Cindy silently cries.
And then there's a voice that doesn't belong to any of them.
"Hello? Is anybody there?"
"Yes!" Gordon responds. "Hello! We're here in the elevator!"
The voice says it's the fire department; they'll have them out in a few minutes.
"Thank God," Gordon says.
"Yeah," says Bernie. "He played a big part in it, all right, couldn'ta done it without him. Too bad he didn't hear the cries of a little girl who was brutalized repeatedly by her father."
"Look," Gordon says as he pulls on his jacket. "We're gonna be out of here soon. I'm not gonna get into that discussion with you. God works-"
"Yeah, in mysterious ways!"
"Yes. He does."
"So does the Devil.
I personally find it hard to tell them apart."
"Well, I think you've just gotta have faith. It's about having faith."
"Oh," Bernie says, "that's real easy to say unless you've had all your faith sucked out of you."
"You think I'd be here today," Lizzie asks, "if I didn't have faith?" She laughs. "Jesus, I honestly believe it's gonna get better!
But it never does.
Fuck, if I didn't have faith, I'd try to off myself 24/7. Not just once in a while."
"Well, I think it's about having faith in something more than just believing it's gonna get better," Gordon says.
"Faith in what, Gordon?" Bernie asks. "Which one of the many gods is the right one this week, huh? Or is it faith in power? Drugs? Sex? Rock 'n roll? Government? Money? Which one are we supposed to have faith in? Don't you dare speak to me about some abstract Sunday school version of God as a white man with a white beard."
Gordon hesitates. "Well, it's... faith in yourself."
Now Bernie hesitates. "I can accept that."
And that's it.
That's the end of the movie.
Cindy wipes her skirt off, curses, laments that it's filthy.
Bernie and Lizzie kiss, gather up their things, and level one last glare in Gordon's direction.
And Gordon adjusts his tie and says, "Well. It's been an interesting time."
And then it cuts to black.
The end.
Das fin.
Bet you're glad you came on this journey with me.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go vomit.
have a nice day