stuck, part 1 - somewhere between heaven and hell, but MUCH closer to hell (nsfw whaaat?!)
I'd like to think that I'm somewhat of a shitty media pro by this point. I've been watching truly awful movies and sometimes truly awful television all for the sake of just one person that I adore for six years now. That's a lot of time to be willingly inflicting pain upon oneself. Why, it almost feels like yesterday that I watched Throw Momma From the Train on Comcast On Demand. If only the Internet had come through for me when I was ready to expose myself to Mrs. Columbo. I think I've seen more than enough to make up for it, though: I've had Sometimes They Come Back... For More, those few harrowing minutes of The Sand Pebbles, those equally harrowing minutes of Beethoven's 5th, The Wind and the Lion (which wasn't necessarily horrible, just... narmy), motherfucking Mayflower Madam, A Kiss at Midnight, Sorority Wars, The Women, oh god, and how could I forget North?
And remember that time I DVR'd Touched By An Angel? How about Two and a Half Men? Ah, and the time I rented The Object of My Affection, so wildly offensive in its implications about homosexuality. And there was Celebrity, which wasn't bad, but I was in it for someone who appeared for all of ten seconds. And How to Deal, which I watched, watched more than once, and probably watched one more time for good measure. Sweet Home Alabama. Bride Wars. The ultimate classic, Mary & Tim. And the granddaddy of them all, the mind-numbing, vomit-inducing Footsteps.
My point is, I've been around the bad media block, and then some. Sure, there have been some good ones smattered in between (Starting Over, he-llo, not to mention most Allison Janney movies, and I don't know what my life would be without Boston Legal), but for the most part, I have had the displeasure of witnessing some truly heinous crap during my fannish career. And I kind of thought it wasn't ever going to get worse than Daisy Lowendahl and her dead sweater-wearing dog.
And then.... and then. And then there was Stuck. Leave it to Amanda Tapping to take my journey beyond the impossible.
The thing about this, uh, ~movie~ is that it's... it tries. Which, I suppose is about all it can do when it's filmed in an elevator with what appears to be somebody's camcorder. It tries, and there is a moment where it actually succeeds. That moment, however, is alllll the way at the end, meaning that you have to endure 80 minutes of positively brain-breaking scenes. I mean it, brain. breaking. I don't think I'm fully recovered yet.
This is in a whole league of its own, all right? You have to understand the very real risks to your health and sanity on this one. If you choose to lay eyes on this spam, you're coming out the other side a changed person. You will read things that you will never be able to unread. You will see things that you will never be able to unsee. Your life will be forever altered, and not necessarily for the better. It's a dangerous specimen. It makes everything I listed above look like a Saturday afternoon in the park.
If you're willing to take the leap, then pat yourself on the back for your bravery and strap yourself in. Tight. We won't have a chance to turn back once we begin, so make sure you really want to do this. I MEAN IT.
Okay. Deep cleansing breaths.
Ready?
Oh, on second thought, what was I even saying? This looks completely legit.
See? Legit! I don't know what I was so worried about.
It's important to know that here begins a lovely medley of 1995 Geocities Sailor Moon fanpage MIDI music. It's bright and it's a little bit peppy and it NEVER FUCKING STOPS. EVER.
Say hello to Gordon, your new best friend. And by "new best friend", I mean "guy whose head you're gonna want to beat in with a shovel by the time this thing is done."
Gordon is a cranky upper middle class white dude who thinks he's too good for this shitty den of shit that he's traipsing through right now. Join him as he gazes in disgust upon evidence of its shittiness, like this random hole in the wall.
Or these lovely works of art and uplifting messages left by the residents.
So inspiring.
Oh, and this girl. I don't remember her name, was it Cindy? I think it was Cindy. Even if it wasn't Cindy, it's Cindy now.
Cindy presses the elevator button, which Gordon has already pressed, and immediately smiles. She looks embarrassed and giggles nervously. "Sorry~," she says. "I always do that~. I'm sure you already pushed it, right~?"
Gordon, gives a quiet, indignant sigh and replies, "Yes." Oh, Gordon. You're such a charmer.
Then he says something that I guess he thinks is witty or deep or clever about traffic lights, and this guy's performance is just so Oscar-worthy that I always know exactly what his motivations are. Really.
OH BUT HELLO FRIENDS HELLOOOOOOO. Say hello to Lizzie (which... SOB. WHY DID HER NAME HAVE TO BE LIZZIE, WHYYYYYY) andddddd fuck I can't remember his name at. all. But that's the guy who played Martouf on Stargreat, which, as some of you will know, makes this 100% more hilar. Martouf's a little hard to explain to those ~not in the know~, but long story short, he was a very sweet, mild-mannered dude who had the hots for Sam big time. So please take this knowledge and keep it close at hand for the rest of the movie; you will need it to numb your pain.
ELEVATOR TIME YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY
Lizzie and Bernie (lol THAT was his name. that. was his name.) immediately go about making themselves comfy. very very comfy. rrrrrr.
Which I guess is good because CONGRATULATIONS, THE ELEVATOR'S... eeeugh, don't make me say it. It's... halted.
OHHHHHHHHH
SNAP
Lizzie promptly freaks out, but Bernie assures her everything will be fine while his hand rests in a very strategic position. The first of many strategic positions, by the way, but we'll get to that later.
Bernie starts cursing and swearing at the elevator, which is so uncalled for. Elevators have feelings, too, man. What did it ever do to you except try to transport you downstairs? ;_;
Our main man Gordon takes GREAT OFFENSE to Bernie's language, and actually, you know what, the dialogue here is just so good that I think it needs sharing. It's not only great but an excellent preview of things to come:
Bernie: FUCKIN' PIECE OF SHIT I FUCKIN' TOLD THAT DWEEB (?? I can't really hear this but I think it's dweeb? aw man I want it to be dweeb, I want it to be dweeb so bad) THIS ELEVATOR'S A PIECE OF CRAP
Gordon: Excuse me, would you watch your language, please, there's a- there are ladies present.
[Please note that Gordon did not automatically acknowledge Lizzie as a lady, which is hiiis mistake because, as she will so kindly prove to us later, she is all lady. ohhhhh boy is she ever.]
[ahem. moving on.]
Bernie: EXCUSE ME I'LL WATCH MY FUCKIN' LANGUAGE WHEN YOU FIND A FUCKIN' WAY OUTTA HERE OKAY ASSHOLE
Gordon: Look, there's no reason to yell; I'm simply requesting that you not swear in the presence of ladies.
Bernie: KAY WELL I'M SIMPLY REQUESTING THAT YOU SHUT YOUR FUCKIN' MOUTH AND KEEP IT SHUT WE'RE STUCK IN A FUCKIN' ELEVATOR I THINK THAT'S GROUNDS FOR A LITTLE SWEARING
actually, I would have to agree. Swear on, Bernie. Swear on.
Lizzie and Bernie resume their shenanigans in the background while Gordon says that they should be spending their time yelling for help until someone hears them. Cindy agrees and starts to "yell".
"Help~? Help, can somebody please help us~? We're stuck~!"
OH, SO FUNNY OLOLOLOL
"What is that?" Bernie asks as Lizzie collapses into him with alllll of the super cute laughter (look, it's the little things that keep you sane; you're gonna thank me later for pointing them out). "That's yelling, huh?"
omg and then this. and then he says this.
"If you ever get attacked, you're gonna get raped for sure!"
WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT
yeah, so, that happened.
OHHHHHHHH THE HUMANITYYYYYYYYY. BEING STUCK IN AN ELEVATOR FOR TWO MINUTES IS SOOOOOO HAAAAAAARD
gurl, you know what stuck is? stuck is stranded on the prometheus for four days with only hallucinations and little girls blowing bubbles to keep you company. stuck is limping around all bloody on god knows where while some dickwad super soldier hunts your ass. stuck is floatin' around in fuckin' space thinking that everybody you know and love might've just gotten totally curbstomped in front of your very eyes.
SO SUCK IT UP, BITCH. THIS IS FUCKING NOTHING.
Gordon and Bernie proceed to have a FIGHT over BUTTONS. It is VERY INTENSE.
THAT HOOLIGAN, I'LL GIVE HIM WHAT FOR.
Lizzie freaks out some more and says that SHE CAN'T DO THIS SHE CAN'T BERNIE HAS TO GET HER OUT OF THERE PPPLLLEEEEEAAASSSSEEEE. Meanwhile, Gordon kicks the wall. That's not a euphemism or anything, he's really doing that.
"YOU GOTTA POUND WITH SOMETHING HARDER, ASSHOLE."
hear that, asshole? you gotta pound. with something harder.
and just take a look at this beautiful camera work. marvelous, just marvelous. *golf clap*
The quest for something harder starts and ends in Cindy's purse, where Bernie steals her bottle of water wine.
Which Lizzie takes and downs faster than you can say "what the flying fuck".
and poor Cindy, poor poor Cindy. She just stands there and says, "Um. Um, excuse me. I-I would like to have that back."
AND THEN THERE'S MORE FIGHTING OH NO!!
There's not much time for that, though, because then Lizzie starts moaning and groaning in pain and says that Bernie's GOTTA HELP HER HE'S GOTTA HELP HER.
So he rubs her stomach. all righty.
This goes on for... a while. Bernie takes the time to ask, "What brings you ~fine folks~ to our humble home, huh?" to which Cindy replies that she's here visiting her boyfriend, who is very desirable and does in fact live here, so there. Believe it or not, this is important information so file that sucker away for later.
Bernie keeps telling Lizzie that everything's going to be okay, but she gets up and screams that "IT'S NOT GONNA FUCKING BE OKAY, BERNIE!" and keeps begging him vaguely.
So then he says, "Okay, we'll do it here."
uh
wait
WHAT
oh, whew. he just meant hard drugs. jay kay, everybody!
HOLY HANNAH ON A BICYCLE, THAT'S SOME GOOD HEROIN
aaawwwkkkwwwaaarrrddd
well, it's okay, she's just gonna chill for a while.
but it's still awkward. Especially because Bernie invites Cindy and Gordon to get high, too. And also, as Zowie put it last night, to ~bang~ Lizzie.
DUDE SHE'S LIKE IN A COMA
Gordon calls Bernie sick and disgusting while making his best sick and disgusted face AND THENNNN OH MY GOD LOL I FORGOT THAT THIS HAPPENED. OH MY GOD. AND THEN, DO YOU EVEN KNOW WHAT BERNIE DOES NEXT. DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA.
HE GRABS GORDON BY THE DICK
We get a really good view of Gordon's fillings while he screams in agony and Bernie screams at him about not being his fucking father and I cannot even begin to tell you how hilarious it is.
Then shit goes straight from hilarious to WHOA WHOA WHOA as Bernie begins to hit on Cindy.
I mean really hit on her.
I mean WHOA SHE IS NOT WEARING ANY CLOTHES UNDER THERE!!
HOLY SHIT
lol I'm sure we've had enough shots of this (or maybe not...?) but look, I just have to point out that this is most strategic and calculated nipple censoring I have ever seen. We seriously never see it! Ever! IT'S RIGHT THERE and we never see anything! Sorcery, I tell you. motherfucking' sorcery.
As Bernie continues his upsetting foray into Cindy's clothes, SUDDENLY, GORDON TO THE RESCUE! "I TOLD YOU TO LEAVE HER ALONE! You're not fit to be on this Earth! You're an animal!"
Understandably, Bernie finds this incredibly amusing.
Oh, right, and then shit gets ~deep~.
Bernie: If I'm an animal, then what are you, huh?
Gordon: I'm a human being! And a gentleman!
Bernie: [laughs] Oh, so you're a gentleman, huh? Wow, I never thought I'd get to meet one. You're what they look like?
Gordon: Yeah, I'm what they look like! They don't look like your type!
Bernie: My type? Well, what exactly is "my type", Mr. Gentle-man?
Gordon: Your type are the reason we decent people need laws and policemen! You show no respect for anything! Not for people, not for God, nothing!
Bernie: Oh, is that it, is that the end of the description?
Gordon: No, I'm not done; you dress like slobs! You show no respect for your own appearance!
Bernie: You keep using the word "respect", but you can't even define it.
Gordon: Respect is... it's- it's an act-
You can wake up anytime here, Liz.
These two roughhousers go back and forth about respect for a while. Bernie starts quoting Socrates which really gets Gordon's goat!
Things get pretty gay pretty fast. Gordon/Bernie!!1 u ship it dun lie
Mostly, though, Bernie's not done pervin', so he uses this opportunity to take a good long look up Cindy's skirt. We're, uh, treated to the view, as you can see.
Gordon proceeds to tackle Bernie to the floor (no homo tho) because right now, HE'S A PROTECTOR!! and so Bernie asks him if he's ever looked up a woman's skirt lol.
Remember, though, Gordon is a gentleman, and gentlemen do not look up ladies' skirts. Which is why he's busy leering at Lizzie right now.
The music is pretty true right now, I might add.
WHAT UP BROSSSS, guess who's back in the land of the wakin'?! I guess for Lizzie, leering is the equivalent of true love's kiss; she's like the pseudo-porn version of Sleeping Beauty (went there~!!)
Gordon thinks he's hot shit when he reveals that Bernie was making ~advances~ at Cindy.
And Lizzie really couldn't give two shits, lmao. also omg SO MOE even in this fucking movie, I just.
Bernie asks what Gordon and Cindy are doing here in their lovely lovely building ("are you ~slummin' it?~"), and Cindy replies that she came to visit her boyfriend. Lizzie awww's and asks her how many years they've been together. 6 months, replies dear innocent Cindy.
lmao. well, Lizzie just thinks it's so hilar that people call 6 months an anniversary. And Cindy has to stand there feeling awkward, but what else is new for that poor kid right now?
also hey, see what I mean? no homo.
Gordon says he's here visiting his son, calls him a healthy red-blooded male when Bernie tries to call him a queen, lmao. "A bit of a skirt-chaser, in fact," Gordon proudly adds. The gender stereotype force is strong with this one. Smells like testosterone and repressed urges.
"Gee," Lizzie purrs. "I wonder where he gets that from. What's his name; maybe he's chased mine~." dkhflsdkfsdgksdhgl
then okay omg. omg. Lizzie swats Bernie on the leg and says, "Hey! You were comin' onto her?"
"She's got great tits, what can I say?"
omg okay I'm dying okay, gimme a minute to compose myself.
so. are you ready for just about the most legit thing you are ever going to witness? because it's coming up right now.
"Oh, yeah, she does," Lizzie breathes.
AND THEN SHE GOES TO HAVE A LOOK
AND THEN SHE GOES
TO HAVE
A LOOK
That doesn't last long, though, because then there's name-calling and more fighting and then Lizzie decides to get a piece of all this wrastlin' action. And it's actually pretty hardcore lmao, it's like this sordid chain of strangulation and Lizzie's all, "HE DIES, YOU DIE, FUCKER!" just in case you had any doubt as to whether or not this was indeed the best bad movie ever.
Well, not unlike our dearest Sam (who I miss so much right now ;_;, which if I remember correctly is exactly what I said re: Murphy during the Daisy Lowendahl Genius Hour) Lizzie doesn't do shit halfway so she really goes to town with this whole choking business. Things get a little srs and she and Bernie have to hug it out.
oh
ohhhhhhhh my god are we at this scene already? oh jesus fucking christ.
okay, um. so. this is about to happen. uhhhh.
well, you know, I think I'll just have to forge ahead here. no going back, that's what I said. nooooo going back.
ffffuuuuccckkkk
They are just so happy that Bernie didn't get strangled and Lizzie saved him and yaddayaddayadda that the happiness turns into other things real fast.
real
fuckin'
fast
emphasis
on
the fuckin'
and... and there's chipmunk laughter and I just
that's not
don't put that laugh in here!
don't do that!
because my innocence won't... ;_______;
UH YEAH I KNOW RIGHT? CAN YOU EVEN FUCKING BELIEVE THIS SHIT?
WELL THERE'S A LOT OF GROPING AND STRADDLING AND NOISES AND MOANS (DEAR GOD THE MOANS)
AND THIS IS A LOT OF STIMULI FOR ONE PERSON TO BE TAKING IN ALL AT ONCE AND ALALALALA
~I DON'T KNOW HOW TO FEEE-EEEEEL~
pfksdhfldshf and also there is buttcrack. IT'S MAGIC I AIN'T GOTTA EXPLAIN SHIT
there's never actually any nudity during this but
it's just very
very
very very clear what is transpiring. as if you couldn't tell.
Gordon (hey yeah remember how there were other characters in this movie? I, uh, forgot for a second) crawls away from this thing occurring right here in front of him and says, "STOP IT, YOU'RE BEHAVING LIKE ANIMALS." well yeah that is pretty true right now.
DON'T WORRY I'LL PROTECT YOU
not much protection goin' on down here, though. ba-dump-tsssshhhhh~
don't look, my sweet!
don't...
AHAHAHAHAHA
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME
RIGHT NOW
OH MY GOD
But Cindy shoves him away and says, "No, please don't!" Guess what, though, CAN'T TAKE BACK THE FACT THAT THAT HAPPENED FOR FIVE SECONDS.
In case you were wondering, these two are still going strong. and I'm still feeling feelings that are very very complicated.
lol me irl, except I can't tear my eyes away from the screen and my mouth is agape.
aaand success was had!
and awkwardness was felt!
and afterglow was basked in.
and Gordon was all, "you're disgusting!" because he's just a walking thesaurus, this one.
and Bernie said, "I think you're a really unhappy man."
and you?
you just watched Sam and Martouf bang each other in an elevator.
you just watched moemoe a-tapps have a sex scene.
and you can never unwatch it.
ever.
so.
break, anyone? let's take a break. reconvene here tomorrow, same time, same place? and we'll have ourselves the exciting conclusion to this sordid little tale of elevator coitus and intellectual discussions.
or maybe I could ~casually mention~ that we're only 28 minutes in
and we could all just kill ourselves instead.
And remember that time I DVR'd Touched By An Angel? How about Two and a Half Men? Ah, and the time I rented The Object of My Affection, so wildly offensive in its implications about homosexuality. And there was Celebrity, which wasn't bad, but I was in it for someone who appeared for all of ten seconds. And How to Deal, which I watched, watched more than once, and probably watched one more time for good measure. Sweet Home Alabama. Bride Wars. The ultimate classic, Mary & Tim. And the granddaddy of them all, the mind-numbing, vomit-inducing Footsteps.
My point is, I've been around the bad media block, and then some. Sure, there have been some good ones smattered in between (Starting Over, he-llo, not to mention most Allison Janney movies, and I don't know what my life would be without Boston Legal), but for the most part, I have had the displeasure of witnessing some truly heinous crap during my fannish career. And I kind of thought it wasn't ever going to get worse than Daisy Lowendahl and her dead sweater-wearing dog.
And then.... and then. And then there was Stuck. Leave it to Amanda Tapping to take my journey beyond the impossible.
The thing about this, uh, ~movie~ is that it's... it tries. Which, I suppose is about all it can do when it's filmed in an elevator with what appears to be somebody's camcorder. It tries, and there is a moment where it actually succeeds. That moment, however, is alllll the way at the end, meaning that you have to endure 80 minutes of positively brain-breaking scenes. I mean it, brain. breaking. I don't think I'm fully recovered yet.
This is in a whole league of its own, all right? You have to understand the very real risks to your health and sanity on this one. If you choose to lay eyes on this spam, you're coming out the other side a changed person. You will read things that you will never be able to unread. You will see things that you will never be able to unsee. Your life will be forever altered, and not necessarily for the better. It's a dangerous specimen. It makes everything I listed above look like a Saturday afternoon in the park.
If you're willing to take the leap, then pat yourself on the back for your bravery and strap yourself in. Tight. We won't have a chance to turn back once we begin, so make sure you really want to do this. I MEAN IT.
Okay. Deep cleansing breaths.
Ready?
Oh, on second thought, what was I even saying? This looks completely legit.
See? Legit! I don't know what I was so worried about.
It's important to know that here begins a lovely medley of 1995 Geocities Sailor Moon fanpage MIDI music. It's bright and it's a little bit peppy and it NEVER FUCKING STOPS. EVER.
Say hello to Gordon, your new best friend. And by "new best friend", I mean "guy whose head you're gonna want to beat in with a shovel by the time this thing is done."
Gordon is a cranky upper middle class white dude who thinks he's too good for this shitty den of shit that he's traipsing through right now. Join him as he gazes in disgust upon evidence of its shittiness, like this random hole in the wall.
Or these lovely works of art and uplifting messages left by the residents.
So inspiring.
Oh, and this girl. I don't remember her name, was it Cindy? I think it was Cindy. Even if it wasn't Cindy, it's Cindy now.
Cindy presses the elevator button, which Gordon has already pressed, and immediately smiles. She looks embarrassed and giggles nervously. "Sorry~," she says. "I always do that~. I'm sure you already pushed it, right~?"
Gordon, gives a quiet, indignant sigh and replies, "Yes." Oh, Gordon. You're such a charmer.
Then he says something that I guess he thinks is witty or deep or clever about traffic lights, and this guy's performance is just so Oscar-worthy that I always know exactly what his motivations are. Really.
OH BUT HELLO FRIENDS HELLOOOOOOO. Say hello to Lizzie (which... SOB. WHY DID HER NAME HAVE TO BE LIZZIE, WHYYYYYY) andddddd fuck I can't remember his name at. all. But that's the guy who played Martouf on Stargreat, which, as some of you will know, makes this 100% more hilar. Martouf's a little hard to explain to those ~not in the know~, but long story short, he was a very sweet, mild-mannered dude who had the hots for Sam big time. So please take this knowledge and keep it close at hand for the rest of the movie; you will need it to numb your pain.
ELEVATOR TIME YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY
Lizzie and Bernie (lol THAT was his name. that. was his name.) immediately go about making themselves comfy. very very comfy. rrrrrr.
Which I guess is good because CONGRATULATIONS, THE ELEVATOR'S... eeeugh, don't make me say it. It's... halted.
OHHHHHHHHH
SNAP
Lizzie promptly freaks out, but Bernie assures her everything will be fine while his hand rests in a very strategic position. The first of many strategic positions, by the way, but we'll get to that later.
Bernie starts cursing and swearing at the elevator, which is so uncalled for. Elevators have feelings, too, man. What did it ever do to you except try to transport you downstairs? ;_;
Our main man Gordon takes GREAT OFFENSE to Bernie's language, and actually, you know what, the dialogue here is just so good that I think it needs sharing. It's not only great but an excellent preview of things to come:
Bernie: FUCKIN' PIECE OF SHIT I FUCKIN' TOLD THAT DWEEB (?? I can't really hear this but I think it's dweeb? aw man I want it to be dweeb, I want it to be dweeb so bad) THIS ELEVATOR'S A PIECE OF CRAP
Gordon: Excuse me, would you watch your language, please, there's a- there are ladies present.
[Please note that Gordon did not automatically acknowledge Lizzie as a lady, which is hiiis mistake because, as she will so kindly prove to us later, she is all lady. ohhhhh boy is she ever.]
[ahem. moving on.]
Bernie: EXCUSE ME I'LL WATCH MY FUCKIN' LANGUAGE WHEN YOU FIND A FUCKIN' WAY OUTTA HERE OKAY ASSHOLE
Gordon: Look, there's no reason to yell; I'm simply requesting that you not swear in the presence of ladies.
Bernie: KAY WELL I'M SIMPLY REQUESTING THAT YOU SHUT YOUR FUCKIN' MOUTH AND KEEP IT SHUT WE'RE STUCK IN A FUCKIN' ELEVATOR I THINK THAT'S GROUNDS FOR A LITTLE SWEARING
actually, I would have to agree. Swear on, Bernie. Swear on.
Lizzie and Bernie resume their shenanigans in the background while Gordon says that they should be spending their time yelling for help until someone hears them. Cindy agrees and starts to "yell".
"Help~? Help, can somebody please help us~? We're stuck~!"
OH, SO FUNNY OLOLOLOL
"What is that?" Bernie asks as Lizzie collapses into him with alllll of the super cute laughter (look, it's the little things that keep you sane; you're gonna thank me later for pointing them out). "That's yelling, huh?"
omg and then this. and then he says this.
"If you ever get attacked, you're gonna get raped for sure!"
WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT
yeah, so, that happened.
OHHHHHHHH THE HUMANITYYYYYYYYY. BEING STUCK IN AN ELEVATOR FOR TWO MINUTES IS SOOOOOO HAAAAAAARD
gurl, you know what stuck is? stuck is stranded on the prometheus for four days with only hallucinations and little girls blowing bubbles to keep you company. stuck is limping around all bloody on god knows where while some dickwad super soldier hunts your ass. stuck is floatin' around in fuckin' space thinking that everybody you know and love might've just gotten totally curbstomped in front of your very eyes.
SO SUCK IT UP, BITCH. THIS IS FUCKING NOTHING.
Gordon and Bernie proceed to have a FIGHT over BUTTONS. It is VERY INTENSE.
THAT HOOLIGAN, I'LL GIVE HIM WHAT FOR.
Lizzie freaks out some more and says that SHE CAN'T DO THIS SHE CAN'T BERNIE HAS TO GET HER OUT OF THERE PPPLLLEEEEEAAASSSSEEEE. Meanwhile, Gordon kicks the wall. That's not a euphemism or anything, he's really doing that.
"YOU GOTTA POUND WITH SOMETHING HARDER, ASSHOLE."
hear that, asshole? you gotta pound. with something harder.
and just take a look at this beautiful camera work. marvelous, just marvelous. *golf clap*
The quest for something harder starts and ends in Cindy's purse, where Bernie steals her bottle of water wine.
Which Lizzie takes and downs faster than you can say "what the flying fuck".
and poor Cindy, poor poor Cindy. She just stands there and says, "Um. Um, excuse me. I-I would like to have that back."
AND THEN THERE'S MORE FIGHTING OH NO!!
There's not much time for that, though, because then Lizzie starts moaning and groaning in pain and says that Bernie's GOTTA HELP HER HE'S GOTTA HELP HER.
So he rubs her stomach. all righty.
This goes on for... a while. Bernie takes the time to ask, "What brings you ~fine folks~ to our humble home, huh?" to which Cindy replies that she's here visiting her boyfriend, who is very desirable and does in fact live here, so there. Believe it or not, this is important information so file that sucker away for later.
Bernie keeps telling Lizzie that everything's going to be okay, but she gets up and screams that "IT'S NOT GONNA FUCKING BE OKAY, BERNIE!" and keeps begging him vaguely.
So then he says, "Okay, we'll do it here."
uh
wait
WHAT
oh, whew. he just meant hard drugs. jay kay, everybody!
HOLY HANNAH ON A BICYCLE, THAT'S SOME GOOD HEROIN
aaawwwkkkwwwaaarrrddd
well, it's okay, she's just gonna chill for a while.
but it's still awkward. Especially because Bernie invites Cindy and Gordon to get high, too. And also, as Zowie put it last night, to ~bang~ Lizzie.
DUDE SHE'S LIKE IN A COMA
Gordon calls Bernie sick and disgusting while making his best sick and disgusted face AND THENNNN OH MY GOD LOL I FORGOT THAT THIS HAPPENED. OH MY GOD. AND THEN, DO YOU EVEN KNOW WHAT BERNIE DOES NEXT. DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA.
HE GRABS GORDON BY THE DICK
We get a really good view of Gordon's fillings while he screams in agony and Bernie screams at him about not being his fucking father and I cannot even begin to tell you how hilarious it is.
Then shit goes straight from hilarious to WHOA WHOA WHOA as Bernie begins to hit on Cindy.
I mean really hit on her.
I mean WHOA SHE IS NOT WEARING ANY CLOTHES UNDER THERE!!
HOLY SHIT
lol I'm sure we've had enough shots of this (or maybe not...?) but look, I just have to point out that this is most strategic and calculated nipple censoring I have ever seen. We seriously never see it! Ever! IT'S RIGHT THERE and we never see anything! Sorcery, I tell you. motherfucking' sorcery.
As Bernie continues his upsetting foray into Cindy's clothes, SUDDENLY, GORDON TO THE RESCUE! "I TOLD YOU TO LEAVE HER ALONE! You're not fit to be on this Earth! You're an animal!"
Understandably, Bernie finds this incredibly amusing.
Oh, right, and then shit gets ~deep~.
Bernie: If I'm an animal, then what are you, huh?
Gordon: I'm a human being! And a gentleman!
Bernie: [laughs] Oh, so you're a gentleman, huh? Wow, I never thought I'd get to meet one. You're what they look like?
Gordon: Yeah, I'm what they look like! They don't look like your type!
Bernie: My type? Well, what exactly is "my type", Mr. Gentle-man?
Gordon: Your type are the reason we decent people need laws and policemen! You show no respect for anything! Not for people, not for God, nothing!
Bernie: Oh, is that it, is that the end of the description?
Gordon: No, I'm not done; you dress like slobs! You show no respect for your own appearance!
Bernie: You keep using the word "respect", but you can't even define it.
Gordon: Respect is... it's- it's an act-
You can wake up anytime here, Liz.
These two roughhousers go back and forth about respect for a while. Bernie starts quoting Socrates which really gets Gordon's goat!
Things get pretty gay pretty fast. Gordon/Bernie!!1 u ship it dun lie
Mostly, though, Bernie's not done pervin', so he uses this opportunity to take a good long look up Cindy's skirt. We're, uh, treated to the view, as you can see.
Gordon proceeds to tackle Bernie to the floor (no homo tho) because right now, HE'S A PROTECTOR!! and so Bernie asks him if he's ever looked up a woman's skirt lol.
Remember, though, Gordon is a gentleman, and gentlemen do not look up ladies' skirts. Which is why he's busy leering at Lizzie right now.
The music is pretty true right now, I might add.
WHAT UP BROSSSS, guess who's back in the land of the wakin'?! I guess for Lizzie, leering is the equivalent of true love's kiss; she's like the pseudo-porn version of Sleeping Beauty (went there~!!)
Gordon thinks he's hot shit when he reveals that Bernie was making ~advances~ at Cindy.
And Lizzie really couldn't give two shits, lmao. also omg SO MOE even in this fucking movie, I just.
Bernie asks what Gordon and Cindy are doing here in their lovely lovely building ("are you ~slummin' it?~"), and Cindy replies that she came to visit her boyfriend. Lizzie awww's and asks her how many years they've been together. 6 months, replies dear innocent Cindy.
lmao. well, Lizzie just thinks it's so hilar that people call 6 months an anniversary. And Cindy has to stand there feeling awkward, but what else is new for that poor kid right now?
also hey, see what I mean? no homo.
Gordon says he's here visiting his son, calls him a healthy red-blooded male when Bernie tries to call him a queen, lmao. "A bit of a skirt-chaser, in fact," Gordon proudly adds. The gender stereotype force is strong with this one. Smells like testosterone and repressed urges.
"Gee," Lizzie purrs. "I wonder where he gets that from. What's his name; maybe he's chased mine~." dkhflsdkfsdgksdhgl
then okay omg. omg. Lizzie swats Bernie on the leg and says, "Hey! You were comin' onto her?"
"She's got great tits, what can I say?"
omg okay I'm dying okay, gimme a minute to compose myself.
so. are you ready for just about the most legit thing you are ever going to witness? because it's coming up right now.
"Oh, yeah, she does," Lizzie breathes.
AND THEN SHE GOES TO HAVE A LOOK
AND THEN SHE GOES
TO HAVE
A LOOK
That doesn't last long, though, because then there's name-calling and more fighting and then Lizzie decides to get a piece of all this wrastlin' action. And it's actually pretty hardcore lmao, it's like this sordid chain of strangulation and Lizzie's all, "HE DIES, YOU DIE, FUCKER!" just in case you had any doubt as to whether or not this was indeed the best bad movie ever.
Well, not unlike our dearest Sam (who I miss so much right now ;_;, which if I remember correctly is exactly what I said re: Murphy during the Daisy Lowendahl Genius Hour) Lizzie doesn't do shit halfway so she really goes to town with this whole choking business. Things get a little srs and she and Bernie have to hug it out.
oh
ohhhhhhhh my god are we at this scene already? oh jesus fucking christ.
okay, um. so. this is about to happen. uhhhh.
well, you know, I think I'll just have to forge ahead here. no going back, that's what I said. nooooo going back.
ffffuuuuccckkkk
They are just so happy that Bernie didn't get strangled and Lizzie saved him and yaddayaddayadda that the happiness turns into other things real fast.
real
fuckin'
fast
emphasis
on
the fuckin'
and... and there's chipmunk laughter and I just
that's not
don't put that laugh in here!
don't do that!
because my innocence won't... ;_______;
UH YEAH I KNOW RIGHT? CAN YOU EVEN FUCKING BELIEVE THIS SHIT?
WELL THERE'S A LOT OF GROPING AND STRADDLING AND NOISES AND MOANS (DEAR GOD THE MOANS)
AND THIS IS A LOT OF STIMULI FOR ONE PERSON TO BE TAKING IN ALL AT ONCE AND ALALALALA
~I DON'T KNOW HOW TO FEEE-EEEEEL~
pfksdhfldshf and also there is buttcrack. IT'S MAGIC I AIN'T GOTTA EXPLAIN SHIT
there's never actually any nudity during this but
it's just very
very
very very clear what is transpiring. as if you couldn't tell.
Gordon (hey yeah remember how there were other characters in this movie? I, uh, forgot for a second) crawls away from this thing occurring right here in front of him and says, "STOP IT, YOU'RE BEHAVING LIKE ANIMALS." well yeah that is pretty true right now.
DON'T WORRY I'LL PROTECT YOU
not much protection goin' on down here, though. ba-dump-tsssshhhhh~
don't look, my sweet!
don't...
AHAHAHAHAHA
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME
RIGHT NOW
OH MY GOD
But Cindy shoves him away and says, "No, please don't!" Guess what, though, CAN'T TAKE BACK THE FACT THAT THAT HAPPENED FOR FIVE SECONDS.
In case you were wondering, these two are still going strong. and I'm still feeling feelings that are very very complicated.
lol me irl, except I can't tear my eyes away from the screen and my mouth is agape.
aaand success was had!
and awkwardness was felt!
and afterglow was basked in.
and Gordon was all, "you're disgusting!" because he's just a walking thesaurus, this one.
and Bernie said, "I think you're a really unhappy man."
and you?
you just watched Sam and Martouf bang each other in an elevator.
you just watched moemoe a-tapps have a sex scene.
and you can never unwatch it.
ever.
so.
break, anyone? let's take a break. reconvene here tomorrow, same time, same place? and we'll have ourselves the exciting conclusion to this sordid little tale of elevator coitus and intellectual discussions.
or maybe I could ~casually mention~ that we're only 28 minutes in
and we could all just kill ourselves instead.