Titles Are Hard
It's been a hell of a week. Last Thursday I caught my mom drinking. For those of you who don't know my mom is an alcoholic. She has been in A.A since before I was born and has been sober for most of my life. When I was 12 /13 we moved from our home in Michigan to Indiana. My mom began to drink and completely fell apart. Everyone including my therapist told me that was ok and she was now able to handle her drinking. They were all idiots and to this day I wonder how my therapist was able to have a practice. We moved back to Michigan and she sobered up.
When I was 16 mom started to have trouble with pills. There’s a lot I could talk about on that matter but I’m just going to say she still struggles with trying to destroy herself and acting like a petulant child who wants attention. This is due to the fact that I’m positive she has Bi-polar and more importantly Borderline Personality Disorder. It’s been very hard for me to deal with her constant fucking up. She takes pills she shouldn’t or takes too many and I have to deal with it. The point is my mom does this a lot and it’s very tiring.
She claimed she was drinking because she was in so much pain and had no more pain pills. I feel that when you are in that much pain you swallow your pride and go to urgent care. She refuses to go to our local one because she felt insulted by one of the doctor’s on a visit. She refuses to go to the E.R because it’s too long. She also said that she was able to handle her drinking now. When she said that I felt like I was 12 years old again. She said the exact sentence she used word for then. I nearly burst into tears from that alone.
I was very traumatized by seeing her drinking when I was younger and that feeling hasn’t changed these past 9 years. What made it worse was how CASUALY she was doing it, like it was completely normal for her to have a beer. I was very upset and called my grandmother to have her take me to stay at her house. I then called my therapist and left a message. I was supposed to have therapy that day, as I almost always do on Thursdays, but had to cancel because I was having excruciating back problems the night before and had not been able to fall asleep until 7 am.
It felt like it took AGES for my grandma to come get me. I just hid in my room. When I did leave to put my bags by the front door I couldn’t even look my mom in the face. It was awful. She was just sitting there and acting like she could care less about my feelings, almost as if I was the one acting strange. It hurt so much. My grandma finally arrived and demanded mom’s car keys and whatever she was drinking. Mom said it was just one beer she got at the party store. I did not realize you could do that. Buy a single beer. It seems so strange to me.
Any way I hightailed it to grandmas.
I love my grandmother. She is a wonderful person. However she is not the stereotypical grandma. She is not all sweet and kind and … squishy if that makes sense. She is hard, self-contained and not big on squishy emotional displays. Which is fine. I admire that she can keep her feelings to herself and understand she has had a lot of painful things happen in her lifetime. She isn’t mean or heartless she just is more practical about feelings. It can sort of suck though when you need someone to hug you and promise everything will be ok. To let you cry and to make you feel that it’s ok to need to cry. Thankfully I wasn’t to upset. More numb and just tired. So tired. I got to stay with her and my Aunt Kitty and that was wonderful.
I was treated to masses of furry affection by my doggies. Chase is my grandmothers and is a Belgium Shepard. He is so sweet and serene. Then there is my Aunt Kitty’s dog Tiffany who is a Lhasa Apso and I love her to bits. She just let me pet her and love on her and it was wonderful. She was my therapy dog. If only she didn’t bark so loud whenever anyone opens the front door she would be perfect. I swear she thinks she’s 20 times her size. She even prefers to be around big dogs instead of little ones. It’s adorable. Anyway I had a pretty decent night considering what happened that day. I talked to the amazing usakeh and theexecutioner . They are complete sweethearts and everyone should be as lucky to have such amazing friends. Seriously.
I called my therapist again that night and we had a really good chat and she requested I come in and see her an hour before my med appointment. I was too upset to eat anything and made the stupid mistake of taking aspirin before bed but other than that my night was uneventful.
I had an awful strange dream early in the wee morning hours but other than that Friday morning went great. I saw my therapist and she made me feel a lot better about my situation and myself as did my med guy. She said that every time she sees me I am stronger than last time.
I felt so happy to hear that. I was in a great mood until I went home to pick up some food. My grandmas a super health nut and I needed sustenance. Mom was there of course. While grandma was in the apartment it was all fine and civil. Then as we were driving away mom comes running after the car. She pulled me out and screamed I had to clean up the crumbs I left on the floor.
We went in the house to do that and I just lost it. I start4ed sobbing and asking her how she could do what she did. Why she was acting like it was no big deal and didn’t she understand how painful it had been for me to see that? I said I was tired of taking care of her and she yelled back that I HAVE NEVER TAKEN CARE OF HER. I told her that clearly I must have hallucinated those times of holding her hand while she threw up and slurred how much she wanted her mom. About how she would roll on the floor because she was too drunk to stand up. I said that even if I haven’t helped her physically I have helped her emotionally and if for some crazy reason that didn’t count it still hurt me to watch her do this shit. To watch her destroy herself time and time again. She countered that I didn’t have to help her and I needed to stop acting like her mother. Also she said SHE was tired of taking care of me. That she had to do EVERYTHING for me and I was SMOTHERING HER. That I had to let her destroy herself if she wanted to and I needed to grow up and move out.
I just want everyone to know that yes I am dependent on my mom. I cannot get a job or hold one down with my mental and physical health. I am not in school right now because of my mental state and an irrational fear of failing any of the classes I take or getting sick. My brain keeps telling me that it’s safer to not try and the world is so scary and that leads to rather bad panic attacks. I have suffered from agoraphobia since I was 12. I did not win my SSI hearing and am appealing it with the help of my lawyer.
I cannot drive due to my anxiety and am scared of taking the bus because I might have to sit next to someone I don’t know. Which is a very irrational fear but is something I struggle with none the less. My main issue is my Asperger's. When I speak to some adults I can come off as very high functioning, but when it comes to people my own age or school/ social situations I struggle. A lot. I also need reminding and direction when I have to do a task such as chores. I have always been this way which is one of the main reasons people thought I had ADD.
However I am proud to say I can now do a lot of things I was not able to do when I was younger. This is due to the fact I have been in therapy since I was a toddler. I can now vocalize my feelings and warn people of panic attacks. I can also hold conversations with people and notice most strong social cues. I am now able to go into the doctors alone, call to make appointments and speak to people, and get and fill my prescriptions on my own. I only require transportation.
At home I am mostly self-sufficient. I can cook, wash dishes, and do my own laundry and the like. My room is very messy but that’s just how I like it. If need me I can clean it. I can clean though I do not notice that things need to be cleaned until they become rather dirty. I can stand having a messy house. My mom cannot. Which is fine and I understand her need to have a clean house. I just need to be remained gently of what I need to do and be given direction. When we lived at my grandmas I knew every Saturday or Sunday was cleaning day. I would vacuum the living area and clean the bathrooms. That was my job. I was never yelled at or ordered to do these things. I was asked politely and was put back on task when I strayed.
I left the house in tears. The really bad ones where your face is all red and your nose drips and it’s just not pretty. Grandma was nice as she could be about it but I really just wanted a hug. I got home and took a nap. When I woke up I felt a lot better. Which was good. I called Susanna and she was amazing as she always is. I helped my Aunt Kitty start a huge puzzle and felt like THE PUZZLE LORD because I got most of the edge bits all together. It’s easy to make me happy. Also I suck at puzzles so it was a big deal.
The next day (Saturday) mom stopped by in the morning and I thought I was hearing things so I went to see who was at the house and it was in fact my mom. She sort of was nice and said if I wanted to come home she was leaving. I said something about wanting her to want me around and maybe at least pretending to be happy to see me. Or something. All I know is she said “I may never be happy to see you again.” Which really hurt. So I went back to bed and I couldn’t sleep because I wasn’t sure if it meant she was upset with me or not. So I called her cell and left her a message saying as much. I still couldn’t sleep so I finished my book.
I ended up falling asleep while reading and when I woke up I just felt so much better. Like … I don’t know how to explain it. It just felt like everything seemed brighter, cleaner…BETTER. Almost how when it’s going to rain in the summer it gets really humid but after it rains the world feels so new and fresh.
So I called mom to talk. To just hear from her and sort of let her know I wasn’t mad. It was my version of an olive branch. She answered the phone and was really snippy when I asked how she was. I tried again and she said that I had interrupted her nap. So I apologized and said I would let her get back to it.Not a minute later she called me back and said that if I wanted to come home to just say so and if not I needed to leave her the hell alone. I had to stop smothering her and had to cut the umbilical cord. Which is always so nice to hear.
Anyway I ended up having to go home that night due to.. um... lady issues. Thankfuly I came home at night and she was asleep. I sort of hid in my room the next day. Then on Monday night or Sunday I lost it and started crying and telling her she had to stop treating me the way she was and just broke down and had like this crazy crying jag.
Tuesday was kind of hard because I’m pretty sure my mom and her friend went and bought pot. I don’t know I could be paranoid. I think I am. I also think it’s not fair that I have to feel this way because I know she wants to start using and she said as much. I have no problem with pot and think it should be legal. However my mom has addiction problems and should not use any mind altering substances like pills, alcohol or pot. I fully acknowledge weed is fine for others to use and has been proven helpful in medical cases. It might even help my mom but I also know she has problems and should not be on any addictive substance. Which is why she’s is not allowed to take narcotics and must be careful with her pain pills.
Mom ended up staying at her friend’s house and I had kind of a rough night sleep wise. I got a bad migraine and went to bed very early but kept waking up from nightmares. I ended up calling mom while crying hysterically and begged her to come home at 3 am. She called me back an hour later wanting to know what’s wrong and by then my night meds had kicked in and I was feeling well enough to go to bed and told her I was ok. She’s been in a so-so mood today. So that’s what’s been going on with me. Sorry this has been so long and whiney. I hate having to dump all this on you guys please feel free to tell me to shut up.
When I was 16 mom started to have trouble with pills. There’s a lot I could talk about on that matter but I’m just going to say she still struggles with trying to destroy herself and acting like a petulant child who wants attention. This is due to the fact that I’m positive she has Bi-polar and more importantly Borderline Personality Disorder. It’s been very hard for me to deal with her constant fucking up. She takes pills she shouldn’t or takes too many and I have to deal with it. The point is my mom does this a lot and it’s very tiring.
She claimed she was drinking because she was in so much pain and had no more pain pills. I feel that when you are in that much pain you swallow your pride and go to urgent care. She refuses to go to our local one because she felt insulted by one of the doctor’s on a visit. She refuses to go to the E.R because it’s too long. She also said that she was able to handle her drinking now. When she said that I felt like I was 12 years old again. She said the exact sentence she used word for then. I nearly burst into tears from that alone.
I was very traumatized by seeing her drinking when I was younger and that feeling hasn’t changed these past 9 years. What made it worse was how CASUALY she was doing it, like it was completely normal for her to have a beer. I was very upset and called my grandmother to have her take me to stay at her house. I then called my therapist and left a message. I was supposed to have therapy that day, as I almost always do on Thursdays, but had to cancel because I was having excruciating back problems the night before and had not been able to fall asleep until 7 am.
It felt like it took AGES for my grandma to come get me. I just hid in my room. When I did leave to put my bags by the front door I couldn’t even look my mom in the face. It was awful. She was just sitting there and acting like she could care less about my feelings, almost as if I was the one acting strange. It hurt so much. My grandma finally arrived and demanded mom’s car keys and whatever she was drinking. Mom said it was just one beer she got at the party store. I did not realize you could do that. Buy a single beer. It seems so strange to me.
Any way I hightailed it to grandmas.
I love my grandmother. She is a wonderful person. However she is not the stereotypical grandma. She is not all sweet and kind and … squishy if that makes sense. She is hard, self-contained and not big on squishy emotional displays. Which is fine. I admire that she can keep her feelings to herself and understand she has had a lot of painful things happen in her lifetime. She isn’t mean or heartless she just is more practical about feelings. It can sort of suck though when you need someone to hug you and promise everything will be ok. To let you cry and to make you feel that it’s ok to need to cry. Thankfully I wasn’t to upset. More numb and just tired. So tired. I got to stay with her and my Aunt Kitty and that was wonderful.
I was treated to masses of furry affection by my doggies. Chase is my grandmothers and is a Belgium Shepard. He is so sweet and serene. Then there is my Aunt Kitty’s dog Tiffany who is a Lhasa Apso and I love her to bits. She just let me pet her and love on her and it was wonderful. She was my therapy dog. If only she didn’t bark so loud whenever anyone opens the front door she would be perfect. I swear she thinks she’s 20 times her size. She even prefers to be around big dogs instead of little ones. It’s adorable. Anyway I had a pretty decent night considering what happened that day. I talked to the amazing usakeh and theexecutioner . They are complete sweethearts and everyone should be as lucky to have such amazing friends. Seriously.
I called my therapist again that night and we had a really good chat and she requested I come in and see her an hour before my med appointment. I was too upset to eat anything and made the stupid mistake of taking aspirin before bed but other than that my night was uneventful.
I had an awful strange dream early in the wee morning hours but other than that Friday morning went great. I saw my therapist and she made me feel a lot better about my situation and myself as did my med guy. She said that every time she sees me I am stronger than last time.
I felt so happy to hear that. I was in a great mood until I went home to pick up some food. My grandmas a super health nut and I needed sustenance. Mom was there of course. While grandma was in the apartment it was all fine and civil. Then as we were driving away mom comes running after the car. She pulled me out and screamed I had to clean up the crumbs I left on the floor.
We went in the house to do that and I just lost it. I start4ed sobbing and asking her how she could do what she did. Why she was acting like it was no big deal and didn’t she understand how painful it had been for me to see that? I said I was tired of taking care of her and she yelled back that I HAVE NEVER TAKEN CARE OF HER. I told her that clearly I must have hallucinated those times of holding her hand while she threw up and slurred how much she wanted her mom. About how she would roll on the floor because she was too drunk to stand up. I said that even if I haven’t helped her physically I have helped her emotionally and if for some crazy reason that didn’t count it still hurt me to watch her do this shit. To watch her destroy herself time and time again. She countered that I didn’t have to help her and I needed to stop acting like her mother. Also she said SHE was tired of taking care of me. That she had to do EVERYTHING for me and I was SMOTHERING HER. That I had to let her destroy herself if she wanted to and I needed to grow up and move out.
I just want everyone to know that yes I am dependent on my mom. I cannot get a job or hold one down with my mental and physical health. I am not in school right now because of my mental state and an irrational fear of failing any of the classes I take or getting sick. My brain keeps telling me that it’s safer to not try and the world is so scary and that leads to rather bad panic attacks. I have suffered from agoraphobia since I was 12. I did not win my SSI hearing and am appealing it with the help of my lawyer.
I cannot drive due to my anxiety and am scared of taking the bus because I might have to sit next to someone I don’t know. Which is a very irrational fear but is something I struggle with none the less. My main issue is my Asperger's. When I speak to some adults I can come off as very high functioning, but when it comes to people my own age or school/ social situations I struggle. A lot. I also need reminding and direction when I have to do a task such as chores. I have always been this way which is one of the main reasons people thought I had ADD.
However I am proud to say I can now do a lot of things I was not able to do when I was younger. This is due to the fact I have been in therapy since I was a toddler. I can now vocalize my feelings and warn people of panic attacks. I can also hold conversations with people and notice most strong social cues. I am now able to go into the doctors alone, call to make appointments and speak to people, and get and fill my prescriptions on my own. I only require transportation.
At home I am mostly self-sufficient. I can cook, wash dishes, and do my own laundry and the like. My room is very messy but that’s just how I like it. If need me I can clean it. I can clean though I do not notice that things need to be cleaned until they become rather dirty. I can stand having a messy house. My mom cannot. Which is fine and I understand her need to have a clean house. I just need to be remained gently of what I need to do and be given direction. When we lived at my grandmas I knew every Saturday or Sunday was cleaning day. I would vacuum the living area and clean the bathrooms. That was my job. I was never yelled at or ordered to do these things. I was asked politely and was put back on task when I strayed.
I left the house in tears. The really bad ones where your face is all red and your nose drips and it’s just not pretty. Grandma was nice as she could be about it but I really just wanted a hug. I got home and took a nap. When I woke up I felt a lot better. Which was good. I called Susanna and she was amazing as she always is. I helped my Aunt Kitty start a huge puzzle and felt like THE PUZZLE LORD because I got most of the edge bits all together. It’s easy to make me happy. Also I suck at puzzles so it was a big deal.
The next day (Saturday) mom stopped by in the morning and I thought I was hearing things so I went to see who was at the house and it was in fact my mom. She sort of was nice and said if I wanted to come home she was leaving. I said something about wanting her to want me around and maybe at least pretending to be happy to see me. Or something. All I know is she said “I may never be happy to see you again.” Which really hurt. So I went back to bed and I couldn’t sleep because I wasn’t sure if it meant she was upset with me or not. So I called her cell and left her a message saying as much. I still couldn’t sleep so I finished my book.
I ended up falling asleep while reading and when I woke up I just felt so much better. Like … I don’t know how to explain it. It just felt like everything seemed brighter, cleaner…BETTER. Almost how when it’s going to rain in the summer it gets really humid but after it rains the world feels so new and fresh.
So I called mom to talk. To just hear from her and sort of let her know I wasn’t mad. It was my version of an olive branch. She answered the phone and was really snippy when I asked how she was. I tried again and she said that I had interrupted her nap. So I apologized and said I would let her get back to it.Not a minute later she called me back and said that if I wanted to come home to just say so and if not I needed to leave her the hell alone. I had to stop smothering her and had to cut the umbilical cord. Which is always so nice to hear.
Anyway I ended up having to go home that night due to.. um... lady issues. Thankfuly I came home at night and she was asleep. I sort of hid in my room the next day. Then on Monday night or Sunday I lost it and started crying and telling her she had to stop treating me the way she was and just broke down and had like this crazy crying jag.
Tuesday was kind of hard because I’m pretty sure my mom and her friend went and bought pot. I don’t know I could be paranoid. I think I am. I also think it’s not fair that I have to feel this way because I know she wants to start using and she said as much. I have no problem with pot and think it should be legal. However my mom has addiction problems and should not use any mind altering substances like pills, alcohol or pot. I fully acknowledge weed is fine for others to use and has been proven helpful in medical cases. It might even help my mom but I also know she has problems and should not be on any addictive substance. Which is why she’s is not allowed to take narcotics and must be careful with her pain pills.
Mom ended up staying at her friend’s house and I had kind of a rough night sleep wise. I got a bad migraine and went to bed very early but kept waking up from nightmares. I ended up calling mom while crying hysterically and begged her to come home at 3 am. She called me back an hour later wanting to know what’s wrong and by then my night meds had kicked in and I was feeling well enough to go to bed and told her I was ok. She’s been in a so-so mood today. So that’s what’s been going on with me. Sorry this has been so long and whiney. I hate having to dump all this on you guys please feel free to tell me to shut up.