the last day....
of summer is here. well technically i dont start class till tues but its the last day of summer....this summer went by so fast. but i guess when most of it was a drunken blur you dont really see it whiz by you. i had really high hopes for this summer. who knows maybe that was the problem. i put faith into something...someone who i knew deep down i shouldnt have. the last 9 months of my life have been such a rollercoaster because of him. im just glad that it is done and over with. i came home to just let go of a really bad situation. and i didnt really do that until recently. but was i really expecting to give myself a week after i got off that plane to be sad and then move on? i guess in my heart i forced myself to. but i wasnt ready.
i can say that now, after a month and a half of being home, i am ready. talking to him and letting him know how much he broke me, hurt me, ripped me apart AGAIN, without caring about his feelings...just lettiing it all out, and letting him know how disrespectful, terrible and just shitty he was...it really showed me that i am ready to move on. i am ready to say fuck the past (again) i have better things and people in my life....and to come...i am happy. i really am. the last month has been a gradual change into something good.
that something good is moving along really slow, but thats on me. and there isnt anything wrong with rushing anything. i have learned its best to just take your time and get to know someone before rushing into any situations that may just turn out to be terrible. i feel like if we are spending this much time together anyways and i feel the way i do and he does too...then why rush it? why say "yes we are boyfriend n girlfriend.." we both arent going anywhere. plus as much as i am ready to be ok with afrim being out of my life. im not ok enough with putting my guard down and trusting in someone enough to depend on them...for anything to make me happy...take care of me...to not run off with another girl........it wouldnt be fair to him or to me to rush into a situation im not ready for. i like where i am right now. its stress free. and i dont have to trust him...
i still am finding it really hard to find the words to talk about my father. after visitin him and seeing him like that...i dont even know what to say. have you ever wanted to say something? scream it, cry it, just say it ....and you find that when you have the opportunity, you just cant? like its physically impossible to say it...my life with my dad.....i dont even want ot think about it.....its almost too much of a hassle to....you go so many years with someone being such a negativity in your life, then youre supposed to feel terrible when something like this happens. and then you find yourself actually feeling terrible and sad and almost crying...almost but not...but then just being sooo mad still...i dont know...whatever...
school is starting, the summer is ending, im moving on.
i can say that now, after a month and a half of being home, i am ready. talking to him and letting him know how much he broke me, hurt me, ripped me apart AGAIN, without caring about his feelings...just lettiing it all out, and letting him know how disrespectful, terrible and just shitty he was...it really showed me that i am ready to move on. i am ready to say fuck the past (again) i have better things and people in my life....and to come...i am happy. i really am. the last month has been a gradual change into something good.
that something good is moving along really slow, but thats on me. and there isnt anything wrong with rushing anything. i have learned its best to just take your time and get to know someone before rushing into any situations that may just turn out to be terrible. i feel like if we are spending this much time together anyways and i feel the way i do and he does too...then why rush it? why say "yes we are boyfriend n girlfriend.." we both arent going anywhere. plus as much as i am ready to be ok with afrim being out of my life. im not ok enough with putting my guard down and trusting in someone enough to depend on them...for anything to make me happy...take care of me...to not run off with another girl........it wouldnt be fair to him or to me to rush into a situation im not ready for. i like where i am right now. its stress free. and i dont have to trust him...
i still am finding it really hard to find the words to talk about my father. after visitin him and seeing him like that...i dont even know what to say. have you ever wanted to say something? scream it, cry it, just say it ....and you find that when you have the opportunity, you just cant? like its physically impossible to say it...my life with my dad.....i dont even want ot think about it.....its almost too much of a hassle to....you go so many years with someone being such a negativity in your life, then youre supposed to feel terrible when something like this happens. and then you find yourself actually feeling terrible and sad and almost crying...almost but not...but then just being sooo mad still...i dont know...whatever...
school is starting, the summer is ending, im moving on.