just a few thoughts....
so abbys wedding was absolutely beautiful. she was soooooo gorgeous. i couldnt be more happy for one of my friends right now. it was so wierd sitting there listening to the preacher talk about love, commitment, marriage and what it truely means...maybe its because of all that has gone on in the last few months, how i feel about respect and love...alot of it hit home. i realized that i was whole heartidly putting myself into a relationship where i wasnt getting any of that back. he was saying it...but not doing any of it. the preacher went thru and talked about marriage and commitment to another being about giving and forgiving...and it made soooooo much sense. its so wierd to think that i, for the first time in my life, really and truely put my guard down. i put it all the way down and i let myself feel all the love that i could possibly feel for someone. i have never let myself do that before. i love afrim so much that it breaks me everyday that i wake up and he isnt there. to know that i will never wake up to him ever again....
but then i think about what that preacher was saying. about how you should be towards the one youre committed to. and afrim was doing, no joke, the exact OPPOSITE of everything the preacher said. so that makes me realize, i deserve so much better. i really do. i dont regret afrim and letting him into my life. i showed myself i am capable of loving someone unconditionally. i showed myself that i have my limits and will not let someone use me as a door mat. i am so happy and thankful that i got to experience what it feels like to truely let my guard down, no matter how afraid i was. i know now that i can do it again. it isnt wrong and yes i may get my heart broken, but i can bounce back quicker than i ever have before. i wish things couldve been different with him. i wish that he wanted this as much as i did. wanted me and loved me...but you cant make someone love you. so now im just moving forward with my life. thats all i can do. i deserve better. and I AM going to give it to myself.
my father is doing a little bit better. hes awake and talking. his head is a little jumbled up though from the trauma he went through. he will slip in and out of...well reality i guess. at somepoints in the conversation he will think i am seven years old again and we live in new jersey and then he will be with it again and talking about my dancing or school or soemthing. i take that as a good sign. i have to. i think in time the damage will subside and even though physically hes really really messed up, his brain will be back to normal.well im going to dinner with friends....
but then i think about what that preacher was saying. about how you should be towards the one youre committed to. and afrim was doing, no joke, the exact OPPOSITE of everything the preacher said. so that makes me realize, i deserve so much better. i really do. i dont regret afrim and letting him into my life. i showed myself i am capable of loving someone unconditionally. i showed myself that i have my limits and will not let someone use me as a door mat. i am so happy and thankful that i got to experience what it feels like to truely let my guard down, no matter how afraid i was. i know now that i can do it again. it isnt wrong and yes i may get my heart broken, but i can bounce back quicker than i ever have before. i wish things couldve been different with him. i wish that he wanted this as much as i did. wanted me and loved me...but you cant make someone love you. so now im just moving forward with my life. thats all i can do. i deserve better. and I AM going to give it to myself.
my father is doing a little bit better. hes awake and talking. his head is a little jumbled up though from the trauma he went through. he will slip in and out of...well reality i guess. at somepoints in the conversation he will think i am seven years old again and we live in new jersey and then he will be with it again and talking about my dancing or school or soemthing. i take that as a good sign. i have to. i think in time the damage will subside and even though physically hes really really messed up, his brain will be back to normal.well im going to dinner with friends....