One day I hope things change and I am truly happy
Well for the most part today is better. Jose and I had a really bad fight. Mainly about Mikie. But not all of it. I was pissed he lied to me. Him telling me he did it to keep a smile on my face and happy is bullshit. Dont fucken lie to me. For real.
I sent Mikie a email and was hoping to hear back from him but didnt really expct it. He needs to figure shit out for himself. And as much as I wish and want to take away all his pain and clear his head for him. He needs to do this on his own. But my thing is he dosnt have to do it all on his own. I wish he still felt like he could come to me. I know its my fult he dosnt. I know its my fult he has problems trusting me. But what am I sapose to do? I fucked up and I have said sorry. And I want to spend the rest of my life making it up to him but I can only do that if he lets me in and lets me. Hes pushing me so far away now days. He claims he isnt but he is. I wish he would see it. God I am so madly in love with him. I always have been and it hasnt falterd yet. It never will.
And I think thats the worst part. I know I will always love him and want to be with him. Its not fair to Jose. But I can't change how I feel. You know we worked it out tonight. Jose knows. But I dont think he tuly sees it. I have told him. And last night it came out he was jelious about shit. Jelious about Mikie comming down to Serafin's wedding. But he dosnt want to come. He dosnt want to meet my family. He deffently dosnt want to meet mike. Hes threatend by him and hes dosnt want mike to give him a talk about treating me right. Hes scared of him hes already told me. Scared Mikie might kick his ass. Why Im not sure. I have no doubt Mikie can. Jose is sick and weak and it wouldnt even be challange or fun for Mikie to do so. So Im frustrated. He says he loves me says he cares but is unwilling to meet my family. Unwilling to meet Mikie. Mikie I kinda understand cause he knows the truth. He knows how I feel about Mikie. And what know. And he knows what Mikie has told me regarding his feelings. He knows exactaly with Mikie has said. The whole he is inlove with me. He thinks I would make him happier then Lena. But dosnt want to brake up with her. Dosnt want to hurt her. And this all is just frustrating. Say you love me your in love with me but wont do everything in your power to be with me. It sucks. Jose knows that Mikie thinks he should have been the father of my children. Knows I wish he was. I mean for real he knows it all. I wasnt gonna have another repeat of Matthew and Mikie. I wasnt honest and upfront about my feelings for Mikie. And Mikie may have been the reason of some of Matthew and mine worst fights. But that is it what it is. But I will never keep back my true feelings for him no matter what. Mikie knows and I continue to repeat it over and over again. I have told Lena I am in love with him. So she knows that much. But as far as what Mikie says. She dosnt know. And I will not be the one to tell her. I wish Mike would and be true to his feelings for me. Despite who it hurts. But I cant make him do it. And it breaks my heart. Everything about this situation breaks my heart. This sucks so much ass.
I sent Mikie a email and was hoping to hear back from him but didnt really expct it. He needs to figure shit out for himself. And as much as I wish and want to take away all his pain and clear his head for him. He needs to do this on his own. But my thing is he dosnt have to do it all on his own. I wish he still felt like he could come to me. I know its my fult he dosnt. I know its my fult he has problems trusting me. But what am I sapose to do? I fucked up and I have said sorry. And I want to spend the rest of my life making it up to him but I can only do that if he lets me in and lets me. Hes pushing me so far away now days. He claims he isnt but he is. I wish he would see it. God I am so madly in love with him. I always have been and it hasnt falterd yet. It never will.
And I think thats the worst part. I know I will always love him and want to be with him. Its not fair to Jose. But I can't change how I feel. You know we worked it out tonight. Jose knows. But I dont think he tuly sees it. I have told him. And last night it came out he was jelious about shit. Jelious about Mikie comming down to Serafin's wedding. But he dosnt want to come. He dosnt want to meet my family. He deffently dosnt want to meet mike. Hes threatend by him and hes dosnt want mike to give him a talk about treating me right. Hes scared of him hes already told me. Scared Mikie might kick his ass. Why Im not sure. I have no doubt Mikie can. Jose is sick and weak and it wouldnt even be challange or fun for Mikie to do so. So Im frustrated. He says he loves me says he cares but is unwilling to meet my family. Unwilling to meet Mikie. Mikie I kinda understand cause he knows the truth. He knows how I feel about Mikie. And what know. And he knows what Mikie has told me regarding his feelings. He knows exactaly with Mikie has said. The whole he is inlove with me. He thinks I would make him happier then Lena. But dosnt want to brake up with her. Dosnt want to hurt her. And this all is just frustrating. Say you love me your in love with me but wont do everything in your power to be with me. It sucks. Jose knows that Mikie thinks he should have been the father of my children. Knows I wish he was. I mean for real he knows it all. I wasnt gonna have another repeat of Matthew and Mikie. I wasnt honest and upfront about my feelings for Mikie. And Mikie may have been the reason of some of Matthew and mine worst fights. But that is it what it is. But I will never keep back my true feelings for him no matter what. Mikie knows and I continue to repeat it over and over again. I have told Lena I am in love with him. So she knows that much. But as far as what Mikie says. She dosnt know. And I will not be the one to tell her. I wish Mike would and be true to his feelings for me. Despite who it hurts. But I cant make him do it. And it breaks my heart. Everything about this situation breaks my heart. This sucks so much ass.