(no subject)
Title: MY ONE AND ONLY LOVE Chapter Four
Pairing: Ennis/Jack
Rating: NC-17
Disclaimer: The characters of course belongs to the great Annie Proulx and story is my own.
Story summary: A long romantic evening in where things are finally said.
Story Inspiration: I was inspirted to write this story for two reasons. 1. One is the song from which gives the title of my story. The version I using is the great jazz saxophonist John Coltrane with vocals by Johnny Hartman. The lyrics by Robert Mellin and Guy Wood plays an important key to the story. 2. The second inspiration belongs to our very own lotitaray. When she began writing her The Moments Between story, her first chapter she entitle A DANCE. I wrote a comment telling her how much a enjoyed and spoke about how I am an unapologetic romantic and that dance is the most beautiful expression of love. She wrote back and told me I such write something. That was back in May its August now. It took me long enough!!
Author's Note: I'm scared shitless because I'm leaving my comforted zone to write this story!! But its a good-scare because I'm also excited!! Be warn! I think I have remain true to the original characterization of Ennis and Jack, I have given them my own spin. I don't think I've gone off the deep end. I HOPE!! Also the story isn't that long. Five chapters I think will be the most. Baby steps, baby steps.
Feedback: When you speak of this and I know you will, please be kind. (laughing)
Dedication: To all the fabulous, marvleous, talented and gifted writers who stories has given me much enjoyment and I'm sure you all know who you are. They are too countless to name individually.
Chapter One: http://george66.livejournal.com/2687.html
Chapter Two: http://george66.livejournal.com/2971.html
Chapter Three: http://george66.livejournal.com/3375.html
Seating beside each other on the sofa watching the fireplace, both Ennis and Jack was resting comfortably in each other’s arms. Their legs stretch out before them, their arms draped around each other, Jack was resting his head on Ennis’ shoulder while Ennis had his head laying on top of Jack’s. Ennis right hand was gently stroking Jack’s hair in between his fingers. With their free hands the men was quietly interlocking them together almost absently. Once in a while Jack would bring those hands up to his mouth and light kiss them all the while their eyes never leaving the glow of flames that was coming from the fireplace.
“Having a good time darling’?”
“The best.”
Both men enjoyed hearing the lazy contentment in each other’s voice giving them an inner happiness that filled their hearts knowing how happy the other was. Ennis was proud that he managed to get this response from Jack. He worked hard at ridding himself with any hesitation he felt at planning this evening for Jack. Just looking into his eyes at the unexpected joy he has been receiving filled Ennis heart. Ennis couldn’t help but feel a certain determination running though his body that was giving him the courage to continue with the evening. The candles, the bathing, the dinner, the opening up and talking more freely then he has ever done before was all amazing and Ennis could see how much Jack was devouring all of it. But nervousness did crawled back inside Ennis from time to time and there were moments he was scared. But he can’t deny while he was scared it was a scary-fun with an outcome he couldn’t predicate and for the first time in his life he wasn’t completely scared by that fact.
Having this close contact with each other it wasn’t long before…well…come on…y’know.
But Ennis decided to make a game out of it. Seeing how far they can go without going all the way. It wasn’t long before the boys were completely into the game. Kissing one another as if they have invented this wonderful new concept at expressing love. French kissing, sucking kissing, butterfly kissing, vacuum kissing - when Jack started sucking out the air from Ennis’ mouth he almost lost it. Played with their tongues by circling theirs together, running the tip of their tongues along the other, darting their tongues in and out of their mouths teasingly, or running the tip of your tongues along their teeth or roof of their mouths. The starting sucking on each other necks leaving passion marks. Their hands began exploring their bodies. They was rubbing, touching, groping, tickling, squeezing the upper and lower parts of their bodies in erotic and delectable ways. Bathrobes were slowly becoming undone and soft things were becoming very, very, very hard to the delight of all.
Ennis was very proud himself! As hot, tantalizing and totally arouse he was getting he somehow managed not to go to far. Jack on the other hand.
“Come on Ennis! Let’s get down on the floor in front of the fire and get down to real business! I want to start playing hiding the donkey!” Jack was trying to pull Ennis off the sofa on the floor.
“Aren’t you liking this Jack?” Ennis asked managing at staying on the sofa as Jack got on his knees, straddling himself directly in between Ennis open, naked legs.
“Come on Ennnniiiissss?” Jack was turning seductive.
Jack be nimble, Jack be quick, Jack is turning nasty quick!
Jack voice was becoming lace with a heighten need, lustful hunger and his entire body were showing it. Reaching his face very close to Ennis’, Jack began breathing seductively, moaning hard, when Jack gets into wanton mode it’s down right impossible for Ennis to resist and Jack was laying it on thick. He even began speaking in a tantalizing lisp. “Ennnniiissss I got the neeeeeed! I’m sooooooo horny!” Wrapping his arms around Ennis midsection he pulled him close to him hard chest meeting hard chest. Ennis body began quavering shamelessly unable to stop himself as Jack lean his body deeper into Ennis’. Bending his head slightly, Jack looked up at Ennis with just his eyes slowly batting them knowing Ennis can resist watching his long eyelashes go into play. For Ennis the scorcher in the room was becoming overwhelming and beads of sweats began forming on his forehead.
“Come on Jack. Don’t do this to me.” Ennis couldn’t hide the weakening of his resolve. “Let’s just finish wwwwwwhat we was doddoinng.”
“Ah come on Ennniiiiisssss. If you want to play let’s play The Lone Ranger and His Trusted Sidekick Tan-toooo.” Ennis gulped hard. Ennis knows that when Jack ever mention that game he knows that Jack Twist is at his most raunchiness. Seeing the eagerness in Ennis, Jack went for the kill. Moving his face away from Ennis, Jack went directly towards his ear. Slowly licking Ennis earlobe, Jack blew high breath into Ennis ear. “Remember the last time we played that game. Remembered how you tied me up hog style? How you took my bandanna and covered my face with it making me unable to see what you was going to do with me? Remember how I screamed and begged? Remember how you showed me no mercy? Remember how proud you were watching me walking around with a limp for days afterward? Oooooh Ennnniiiiissss. Hi-Yo Silver and awaaaaaay.” With that Jack open his mouth wide and took Ennis entire ear into his mouth with his tongue. The sensation Ennis were feeling were palatable making his legs visible and violently shake.
“Jjjjazk”
“Yessssss Kemo Sabe!”
With the strength of a thousand horses, Ennis grabbed hold of Jack’s shoulders and managed somehow to pull himself out of Jack’s arms holding Jack at arms length.
“Jack”
“Oh Kemo Sabe look how big your piece pipe is! Come, let me blow on it!” Jack began to lower his head down but Ennis managed to stop him and move himself out of Jack’s reach.
“Oh for Christ sake Ennis,” Jack blowing out frustration and irrigation seating back on the sofa closing his robe. “Come on!” Finally able to catch his breath, Ennis was able to finally speak but only in a small voice. “Jack all I want to do is neck. What’s wrong with that?”
“What’s wrong with that? Ennis we are not teenagers anymore. We are not in the backseat of car or in the cab of a truck. Damn!”
“Well I’m sorry Jack I personally never experience that particular enjoyment when I was a teenager!”
Ennis by this time was matching his irrigation with Jack’s. Jack on the other hand couldn’t help noticing what Ennis just said making him curious.
“Ennis you never made out in the backseat of a car or anything like that?”
“No.”
“Not even with Alma?”
“Alma? Good grief no! Alma was a good girl.”
Good girl, oh excuse me, thought Jack rolling his eyes. But then Jack looked at Ennis strange. Then he began remembering a conversation he and Ennis once had up on the mountain that summer. Remembering them talking about religion and how Jack mention they were the type of men that will burn in hell with Ennis responding that while Jack may be a sinner, he never had the opportunity. All these years Jack thought he was just fooling.
“Ennis was you…really…a virgin back up there on the mountain?” Jack asked frowning. Suddenly becoming uncomfortable Ennis rewrapped his robe around himself seating on the sofa trying to look causal. “Well…uhm…yeah. I told you that.”
“You weren’t with any girl - ever?”
“NO”
"Me and Alma are the only to people you ever slept with?"
"YES!"
Suddenly a board almost arrogant smile came across Jack’s face. “I was your first in all aspect?” Ennis at first said nothing just folded his arms brooding.
“Ennis?”
“Jack Twist if you don’t get that fucking smirk off your face so help me!”
Jack burst into uncontrollable laughter throwing his head on the back of the sofa. “Ennis, Ennis,” Jack tried to speak though his laughing. “I would have never have guessed it! You seemed to know what you was doing almost like natural instinct. No instruction like a little spit.” With that Jack started to laugh again. Ennis wanted to smack that laugh off Jack’s face but watching his Jack laugh brought a small smile on his face and so he was laughter just as hard as Jack. They were laughing for a few minutes until Ennis slowed down looking lovingly into Jack’s face and he suddenly out of nowhere.
“Jack, I’m really going to hate watching you leave me again.”
That took the wind out both Ennis and Jack. Going from blissful silliness to dead seriousness in one span of a short sentence. In all the years they has been meeting never once did they ever mention the hurt and pain at parting once the trips was over. The feelings were always there but it never was given voice. They usually express it by silent actions. When that last day approach they would slow things down. The affection they showed one another would become more intimate, they would look at one another with eyes longing to capture as much of the other in the banks of their memory to hold on to until their next trip. They shielded their eyes from each other so the other wouldn’t see the tears wishing they could stay together. They’ve had conservation in which Jack suggested ways at being together which Ennis always shoot down but they have never discuss the feelings that came from those ideas. In all the years they have been meeting they still never talked about the connection that brought them together.
Jack simply looked at Ennis with astonishment. Barely able to speak all Jack could do was whisper out the out, “Ennis”. Ennis just seat there, his entire body seemingly crawling itself inward with his eyes completely looking down in his lap.
“Jack its…just…you have no idea how hurt I get watching you drive away. It hurts something awful. It takes me days, weeks to get over it.” Ennis was breathing heavy.
“I feel the same way Ennis. I don’t like leavin’ ya. I don’t like it at all. But it don’t have to be…”
“Yes it does Jack!” Ennis cutting Jack off closing his eyes at what he believes as the terrible truth. “Jack you always try to make things seem so simple but it ain’t.”
“Yes it can be.” Jack was trying his best to remain as calm as possible. Surprise they are having this talk, Jack is encourage by the fact that Ennis started the discussion. For him to open this door up he must have been thinking about it and Jack quickly made the decision not to say or do anything that could make Ennis shut the door close. Turning towards Ennis and clasping his hands together almost as if he was praying, Jack realize that this maybe his finally chance.
“Ennis. Ah cowboy.” Jack tried to start but his emotions was racing too fast and the fear at saying the wrong thing was scaring him to death which made his voice crack forcing him to turn away from Ennis. There they seat like to figures standing on the opposite side of a river with a bridge in between them. Wanting one another, needing one another feeling that pull like magnets to run across that bridge but somehow never managing to take that first simple step.
“Jack, do you ever feel sorry that you sent me that first postcard?”
“No” replied Jack who still didn’t look Ennis way instead staring directly into the fireplace. But actually Jack did from time to time regretted sending that first postcard. Sure this wasn’t what he expected from his life and he definitely didn’t expect to live his life in shadows, hiding from the world as if he is ashamed. But mostly he regretted watching how much pain Ennis was going though. For a man of only 33 years, Ennis has the look sometimes of a man ten years older. The weariness and the beating down demeanor in his face shows the unmistakable marks of a man caught up in a hardship that maybe giving him the greatest joys in his life but also some of the most painful. But Jack wasn’t going to tell Ennis that not now.
“You sure about that? After all things hasn’t turn out the way you hoped.” Ennis made a sad laugh that was lace with the forming of tears. “I’m sure you didn’t expect to found yourself with a worthless piece of shit like me. I’m know you still keep those dreams inside of you about that sweet life. I sure that is the only reason why you keep coming up here. Must love getting beatin’ down all the time. I know each and very time I say no its a punch in the gut. But…but you just…don’t…under-stand it ain’t that I don’t want that. Jack it really isn’t. It just,” Ennis had to pause but it didn’t help. “Jack you keep coming back to me with these dreams of yours making me want them so much but I know I can never have them. It’s just wrong, two men. It’s just wrong. But it’s more then that Jack. I ain’t someone who is suppose to have dreams. I ain’t someone who can afford to dream. I just suppose to do what’s right and proper to be a man. A man. Ain’t that funny Jack, me being some kinda man. But I don’t know what that is suppose to be but I guess I never learned.” Ennis voice became very still. “I failed everyone. Alma, my girls - how can they ever look up to me as a dad, failed others and I failed…you. Why do you keep coming back to me? Why? I don’t got nuthin’ that you would really need or want. Don’tcha see I ain’t no man. I’m nuthin’ Jack! I’m nuthin’.” With that Ennis dropped his face in his hands and burst into hard tears making his entire body shake.
Jack was looking at Ennis with wide eyes, shocked at what he just heard. He knew that Ennis was holding a lot inside of him. That Ennis was a man fighting many demons but Jack never knew the depth of them or how it truly was eating Ennis alive. Before he could only imagine but here was reality facing him square in the face. Even more Jack was startled that Ennis would allow himself to open up that deeply, to reveal that much vulnerability to be so naked. It scared Jack but it also in a strange way he was honored by it. Honored that Ennis would trust Jack so much that he would allow Jack to see a side of Ennis he knew Ennis would never allow another person to see him.
Lifting himself off the sofa, Jack walked over to Ennis kneeling directly in front him. Ennis crying was painful to hear making Jack nearly emotional as well. He hesitated at first knowing how Ennis emotions can turn on a dime without a moment notice but willing to take the risk, Jack reached out and pulled Ennis in a deep, strong and comforting embrace allowing Ennis to cry on his shoulder.
“It’s okay cowboy.” Jack was whispering in Ennis ear in a voice with as much tenderness he could muster. Stroking one hand up and down Ennis back in a reassuring matter, the other hand was softly touching Ennis blonde hair pulling at the curls on the end. When Jack spoke he spoke quietly, slowly with confidence and purpose, with all the love he could give because he knew Ennis needed to hear this and Jack was aware of the importance of what he is about to say and he needed to make certain that these words shoot straight to Ennis’ heart.
“Ennis. Ennis you listen to me and hear me I’m really hear me. First don’t you ever let me hear you say that you are worthless because you ain’t. Everyone has a purpose in life, everyone matters and you sure do. Believe that Ennis, believe that! You are the finest MAN I know. You hear that Ennis? You are a MAN and don’t let anyone tell you different. And you are a brave MAN. The bravest I know.” Jack pause for moment trying to think of an example to give Ennis. “You remember after the first night? When you told me that this was a one shot deal? Well I believe it, I did. I let it go. As hard as that was for me, I simply let it go. I gave up.” Jack began to smile and whispered quietly directly into Ennis ear. “But that second night? You came…you came to me. To me Ennis and I saw it in your face. You were scared shitless but it didn’t stop ya. You came to me - hat in hand - because you knew something was happening between us and it was scary for both of us. I may talk a big game but I’m just as scared as you at times. But you came when you didn’t have to.” The remembrance of the night warmed Jack over and he held Ennis tighter. “Till this day that was bravest thing I’ve never seen a MAN do. To fight against his fears and go after something he needs and you did that Ennis.”
Ennis slightly pulled away enough to lift his head out of his heads and off of Jack’s shoulder. “But Jack you don’t understand. Its…”
“No you don’t understand Ennis!” Jack spoke forcefully. “I don’t want you to talk. I don’t want you to say anything. All I want is for you to hear me. Just open your ears and your heart and hear me.” Ennis didn’t protest he just buried his face back on Jack’s shoulders, drawing himself more inward into Jack’s embrace.
“If you can just learn not to hate yourself so much. That’s it y’know. If you can just learn that simple thing…ah cowboy you have no idea how happy you would be. Because you are not a bad person no matter how much you would like to believe that, you’re not. But people have tried to make you believe different huh? Made you believe you are nothing. Some worthless shit.” But this point Jack voice was hard. “They have filled you with all of this self-hatred. Well let me tell you Ennis? I’ve had those word thrown at me and you know what? Its bullshit! You hear that Del Mar, its fucking bullshit!” Jack was grabbing on tighter to Ennis. “The very people we should look up to and admire are sometimes the very ones we should be knocking down and kickin’ in their teeth. They’re wrong Ennis! They were wrong at how they taught you to be a man. A real man is proud at being himself no matter how different he may seem. He doesn’t hide in shadows. He doesn’t live in shame and fear. They live with the courage to accept you they are and defend that no matter what.” For a brief moment Jack voice crack. Recovering he went on. “I’m not saying that it will be easy because life isn’t easy. There is no such thing as a safety net to life. There is always going to be trouble but a real MAN faces those troubles head on and I know Ennis you have that inside ya.” Jack suddenly pull away from Ennis and look directly into Ennis eyes. “You hear that Ennis! I know you have it inside of you because I believe in you! YOU!”
Ennis eyes were blood red from tears looking directly into blue eyes that was encouraging and hopeful. If only he could believe what they are saying to him those eyes. But it’s not easy doing away with years of set ideas and expectation that you have been force to accept as the truth. That what you feel is wrong and evil. But looking at those eyes always makes Ennis think it is possible that maybe just maybe. But then there is always Earl. That one deadly image that makes Ennis believe otherwise.
“But Jack what about Earl?” Ennis respond in a small voice. A flash of angry came across Jack’s face and he grabbed Ennis face in between his hands bringing his face very closely to Ennis.
“Don’t! Don’t! Goddamnit Ennis shit! Don’t let the ghost of the past rule you life! It’s going to kill you leaving yourself behind nothing but regrets. Life isn’t worth living if you live in past Ennis!”
“But how do I expect people to be proud of me Jack huh? My girls!”
“Your girls loves you Ennis! They love you. Don’t tell me you don’t know that! Just hearing you talk about them is proof enough for me. The way your eyes lights up whenever you talk about them. The way you describe how they hang onto every word you manage to leak out of that tight mouth of yours. They adore you! Don’t belittle their love for you simply because of the fear that YOU have about yourself. Give them more credit! There isn’t a damn thing you can do or be that would ever stop them from loving you.”
Jack stopped and simply closed his eyes and breathed hard. Opening them back up he simply looked at Ennis searching for anything in those brown eyes to see if anything he said had gotten though. But those brown eyes still seem to have fear and shame in them. Jack release Ennis face from his hands and slide completely down the floor resting his arms across Ennis’ lap shaking his head almost in defeat.
“Ennis. If you can just learn to love yourself, to be brave and accept who you are. If you didn’t have so much self-hatred that others have made you believe you need to have. You could see just how wonderful a life you can have and see how much of a true man you really are. But only you can that. Only you because you are the one who needs to believe in yourself first.”
Jack stopped. He was exhausted and tried. He gave everything he could, but it’s up to Ennis to do with it as he see fit. If he decides to do anything with it at all. For a long time both men just seat there thinking silently, Ennis on the sofa and Jack kneeling in front of him. Ennis mind was still mixed up not sure what to do but he can’t deny the words Jack said have gotten him to start thinking even more then he already has before coming on this trip. Maybe some of the things are true. Maybe. Looking down on Jack he saw the crestfallen almost defeated look on Jack’s face and it pained Ennis to the core and this was supposed to be a night for Jack and he was ruining it. Remembering the next thing he wanted to give Jack he felt this would be the perfect time to do so and whatever fear he may have had over it was completely gone because Ennis was determine to make Jack aware of how important he is to him at least for this one night.
Getting off the sofa making Jack move, Ennis went into the game room. Jack seating on the floor assuming that nothing got to Ennis just sighed. Ennis came back and stood over Jack looking down at him with the stereo mode control in his hand. “Jack will you look at me.” Jack lifted his head.
“Well…when I got the keys for the cabin from Wroe I was at his office. He…y’know…uhm…he was listening to…he brings a small recorder player with him to work to listen to music, jazz music.” Jack just frowned up at Ennis thinking why is he bringing up music of any kind at this moment. “I rarely listen to music Jack unless is western or spiritual and I only hum those to the songs my Mama taught me.”
“Ennis you have point?” Jack asked him still isn’t sure were this coming from.
“The point is,” Ennis replied half regretting he never brought it up. “He was playing this one record that really…got me and I want to play it for…all hell.” Taking a deep, deep breath Ennis reached out both his hands to Jack but with his eyes not meeting Jack’s.
“Jack…you wanna dance?”
TBC
Pairing: Ennis/Jack
Rating: NC-17
Disclaimer: The characters of course belongs to the great Annie Proulx and story is my own.
Story summary: A long romantic evening in where things are finally said.
Story Inspiration: I was inspirted to write this story for two reasons. 1. One is the song from which gives the title of my story. The version I using is the great jazz saxophonist John Coltrane with vocals by Johnny Hartman. The lyrics by Robert Mellin and Guy Wood plays an important key to the story. 2. The second inspiration belongs to our very own lotitaray. When she began writing her The Moments Between story, her first chapter she entitle A DANCE. I wrote a comment telling her how much a enjoyed and spoke about how I am an unapologetic romantic and that dance is the most beautiful expression of love. She wrote back and told me I such write something. That was back in May its August now. It took me long enough!!
Author's Note: I'm scared shitless because I'm leaving my comforted zone to write this story!! But its a good-scare because I'm also excited!! Be warn! I think I have remain true to the original characterization of Ennis and Jack, I have given them my own spin. I don't think I've gone off the deep end. I HOPE!! Also the story isn't that long. Five chapters I think will be the most. Baby steps, baby steps.
Feedback: When you speak of this and I know you will, please be kind. (laughing)
Dedication: To all the fabulous, marvleous, talented and gifted writers who stories has given me much enjoyment and I'm sure you all know who you are. They are too countless to name individually.
Chapter One: http://george66.livejournal.com/2687.html
Chapter Two: http://george66.livejournal.com/2971.html
Chapter Three: http://george66.livejournal.com/3375.html
Seating beside each other on the sofa watching the fireplace, both Ennis and Jack was resting comfortably in each other’s arms. Their legs stretch out before them, their arms draped around each other, Jack was resting his head on Ennis’ shoulder while Ennis had his head laying on top of Jack’s. Ennis right hand was gently stroking Jack’s hair in between his fingers. With their free hands the men was quietly interlocking them together almost absently. Once in a while Jack would bring those hands up to his mouth and light kiss them all the while their eyes never leaving the glow of flames that was coming from the fireplace.
“Having a good time darling’?”
“The best.”
Both men enjoyed hearing the lazy contentment in each other’s voice giving them an inner happiness that filled their hearts knowing how happy the other was. Ennis was proud that he managed to get this response from Jack. He worked hard at ridding himself with any hesitation he felt at planning this evening for Jack. Just looking into his eyes at the unexpected joy he has been receiving filled Ennis heart. Ennis couldn’t help but feel a certain determination running though his body that was giving him the courage to continue with the evening. The candles, the bathing, the dinner, the opening up and talking more freely then he has ever done before was all amazing and Ennis could see how much Jack was devouring all of it. But nervousness did crawled back inside Ennis from time to time and there were moments he was scared. But he can’t deny while he was scared it was a scary-fun with an outcome he couldn’t predicate and for the first time in his life he wasn’t completely scared by that fact.
Having this close contact with each other it wasn’t long before…well…come on…y’know.
But Ennis decided to make a game out of it. Seeing how far they can go without going all the way. It wasn’t long before the boys were completely into the game. Kissing one another as if they have invented this wonderful new concept at expressing love. French kissing, sucking kissing, butterfly kissing, vacuum kissing - when Jack started sucking out the air from Ennis’ mouth he almost lost it. Played with their tongues by circling theirs together, running the tip of their tongues along the other, darting their tongues in and out of their mouths teasingly, or running the tip of your tongues along their teeth or roof of their mouths. The starting sucking on each other necks leaving passion marks. Their hands began exploring their bodies. They was rubbing, touching, groping, tickling, squeezing the upper and lower parts of their bodies in erotic and delectable ways. Bathrobes were slowly becoming undone and soft things were becoming very, very, very hard to the delight of all.
Ennis was very proud himself! As hot, tantalizing and totally arouse he was getting he somehow managed not to go to far. Jack on the other hand.
“Come on Ennis! Let’s get down on the floor in front of the fire and get down to real business! I want to start playing hiding the donkey!” Jack was trying to pull Ennis off the sofa on the floor.
“Aren’t you liking this Jack?” Ennis asked managing at staying on the sofa as Jack got on his knees, straddling himself directly in between Ennis open, naked legs.
“Come on Ennnniiiissss?” Jack was turning seductive.
Jack be nimble, Jack be quick, Jack is turning nasty quick!
Jack voice was becoming lace with a heighten need, lustful hunger and his entire body were showing it. Reaching his face very close to Ennis’, Jack began breathing seductively, moaning hard, when Jack gets into wanton mode it’s down right impossible for Ennis to resist and Jack was laying it on thick. He even began speaking in a tantalizing lisp. “Ennnniiissss I got the neeeeeed! I’m sooooooo horny!” Wrapping his arms around Ennis midsection he pulled him close to him hard chest meeting hard chest. Ennis body began quavering shamelessly unable to stop himself as Jack lean his body deeper into Ennis’. Bending his head slightly, Jack looked up at Ennis with just his eyes slowly batting them knowing Ennis can resist watching his long eyelashes go into play. For Ennis the scorcher in the room was becoming overwhelming and beads of sweats began forming on his forehead.
“Come on Jack. Don’t do this to me.” Ennis couldn’t hide the weakening of his resolve. “Let’s just finish wwwwwwhat we was doddoinng.”
“Ah come on Ennniiiiisssss. If you want to play let’s play The Lone Ranger and His Trusted Sidekick Tan-toooo.” Ennis gulped hard. Ennis knows that when Jack ever mention that game he knows that Jack Twist is at his most raunchiness. Seeing the eagerness in Ennis, Jack went for the kill. Moving his face away from Ennis, Jack went directly towards his ear. Slowly licking Ennis earlobe, Jack blew high breath into Ennis ear. “Remember the last time we played that game. Remembered how you tied me up hog style? How you took my bandanna and covered my face with it making me unable to see what you was going to do with me? Remember how I screamed and begged? Remember how you showed me no mercy? Remember how proud you were watching me walking around with a limp for days afterward? Oooooh Ennnniiiiissss. Hi-Yo Silver and awaaaaaay.” With that Jack open his mouth wide and took Ennis entire ear into his mouth with his tongue. The sensation Ennis were feeling were palatable making his legs visible and violently shake.
“Jjjjazk”
“Yessssss Kemo Sabe!”
With the strength of a thousand horses, Ennis grabbed hold of Jack’s shoulders and managed somehow to pull himself out of Jack’s arms holding Jack at arms length.
“Jack”
“Oh Kemo Sabe look how big your piece pipe is! Come, let me blow on it!” Jack began to lower his head down but Ennis managed to stop him and move himself out of Jack’s reach.
“Oh for Christ sake Ennis,” Jack blowing out frustration and irrigation seating back on the sofa closing his robe. “Come on!” Finally able to catch his breath, Ennis was able to finally speak but only in a small voice. “Jack all I want to do is neck. What’s wrong with that?”
“What’s wrong with that? Ennis we are not teenagers anymore. We are not in the backseat of car or in the cab of a truck. Damn!”
“Well I’m sorry Jack I personally never experience that particular enjoyment when I was a teenager!”
Ennis by this time was matching his irrigation with Jack’s. Jack on the other hand couldn’t help noticing what Ennis just said making him curious.
“Ennis you never made out in the backseat of a car or anything like that?”
“No.”
“Not even with Alma?”
“Alma? Good grief no! Alma was a good girl.”
Good girl, oh excuse me, thought Jack rolling his eyes. But then Jack looked at Ennis strange. Then he began remembering a conversation he and Ennis once had up on the mountain that summer. Remembering them talking about religion and how Jack mention they were the type of men that will burn in hell with Ennis responding that while Jack may be a sinner, he never had the opportunity. All these years Jack thought he was just fooling.
“Ennis was you…really…a virgin back up there on the mountain?” Jack asked frowning. Suddenly becoming uncomfortable Ennis rewrapped his robe around himself seating on the sofa trying to look causal. “Well…uhm…yeah. I told you that.”
“You weren’t with any girl - ever?”
“NO”
"Me and Alma are the only to people you ever slept with?"
"YES!"
Suddenly a board almost arrogant smile came across Jack’s face. “I was your first in all aspect?” Ennis at first said nothing just folded his arms brooding.
“Ennis?”
“Jack Twist if you don’t get that fucking smirk off your face so help me!”
Jack burst into uncontrollable laughter throwing his head on the back of the sofa. “Ennis, Ennis,” Jack tried to speak though his laughing. “I would have never have guessed it! You seemed to know what you was doing almost like natural instinct. No instruction like a little spit.” With that Jack started to laugh again. Ennis wanted to smack that laugh off Jack’s face but watching his Jack laugh brought a small smile on his face and so he was laughter just as hard as Jack. They were laughing for a few minutes until Ennis slowed down looking lovingly into Jack’s face and he suddenly out of nowhere.
“Jack, I’m really going to hate watching you leave me again.”
That took the wind out both Ennis and Jack. Going from blissful silliness to dead seriousness in one span of a short sentence. In all the years they has been meeting never once did they ever mention the hurt and pain at parting once the trips was over. The feelings were always there but it never was given voice. They usually express it by silent actions. When that last day approach they would slow things down. The affection they showed one another would become more intimate, they would look at one another with eyes longing to capture as much of the other in the banks of their memory to hold on to until their next trip. They shielded their eyes from each other so the other wouldn’t see the tears wishing they could stay together. They’ve had conservation in which Jack suggested ways at being together which Ennis always shoot down but they have never discuss the feelings that came from those ideas. In all the years they have been meeting they still never talked about the connection that brought them together.
Jack simply looked at Ennis with astonishment. Barely able to speak all Jack could do was whisper out the out, “Ennis”. Ennis just seat there, his entire body seemingly crawling itself inward with his eyes completely looking down in his lap.
“Jack its…just…you have no idea how hurt I get watching you drive away. It hurts something awful. It takes me days, weeks to get over it.” Ennis was breathing heavy.
“I feel the same way Ennis. I don’t like leavin’ ya. I don’t like it at all. But it don’t have to be…”
“Yes it does Jack!” Ennis cutting Jack off closing his eyes at what he believes as the terrible truth. “Jack you always try to make things seem so simple but it ain’t.”
“Yes it can be.” Jack was trying his best to remain as calm as possible. Surprise they are having this talk, Jack is encourage by the fact that Ennis started the discussion. For him to open this door up he must have been thinking about it and Jack quickly made the decision not to say or do anything that could make Ennis shut the door close. Turning towards Ennis and clasping his hands together almost as if he was praying, Jack realize that this maybe his finally chance.
“Ennis. Ah cowboy.” Jack tried to start but his emotions was racing too fast and the fear at saying the wrong thing was scaring him to death which made his voice crack forcing him to turn away from Ennis. There they seat like to figures standing on the opposite side of a river with a bridge in between them. Wanting one another, needing one another feeling that pull like magnets to run across that bridge but somehow never managing to take that first simple step.
“Jack, do you ever feel sorry that you sent me that first postcard?”
“No” replied Jack who still didn’t look Ennis way instead staring directly into the fireplace. But actually Jack did from time to time regretted sending that first postcard. Sure this wasn’t what he expected from his life and he definitely didn’t expect to live his life in shadows, hiding from the world as if he is ashamed. But mostly he regretted watching how much pain Ennis was going though. For a man of only 33 years, Ennis has the look sometimes of a man ten years older. The weariness and the beating down demeanor in his face shows the unmistakable marks of a man caught up in a hardship that maybe giving him the greatest joys in his life but also some of the most painful. But Jack wasn’t going to tell Ennis that not now.
“You sure about that? After all things hasn’t turn out the way you hoped.” Ennis made a sad laugh that was lace with the forming of tears. “I’m sure you didn’t expect to found yourself with a worthless piece of shit like me. I’m know you still keep those dreams inside of you about that sweet life. I sure that is the only reason why you keep coming up here. Must love getting beatin’ down all the time. I know each and very time I say no its a punch in the gut. But…but you just…don’t…under-stand it ain’t that I don’t want that. Jack it really isn’t. It just,” Ennis had to pause but it didn’t help. “Jack you keep coming back to me with these dreams of yours making me want them so much but I know I can never have them. It’s just wrong, two men. It’s just wrong. But it’s more then that Jack. I ain’t someone who is suppose to have dreams. I ain’t someone who can afford to dream. I just suppose to do what’s right and proper to be a man. A man. Ain’t that funny Jack, me being some kinda man. But I don’t know what that is suppose to be but I guess I never learned.” Ennis voice became very still. “I failed everyone. Alma, my girls - how can they ever look up to me as a dad, failed others and I failed…you. Why do you keep coming back to me? Why? I don’t got nuthin’ that you would really need or want. Don’tcha see I ain’t no man. I’m nuthin’ Jack! I’m nuthin’.” With that Ennis dropped his face in his hands and burst into hard tears making his entire body shake.
Jack was looking at Ennis with wide eyes, shocked at what he just heard. He knew that Ennis was holding a lot inside of him. That Ennis was a man fighting many demons but Jack never knew the depth of them or how it truly was eating Ennis alive. Before he could only imagine but here was reality facing him square in the face. Even more Jack was startled that Ennis would allow himself to open up that deeply, to reveal that much vulnerability to be so naked. It scared Jack but it also in a strange way he was honored by it. Honored that Ennis would trust Jack so much that he would allow Jack to see a side of Ennis he knew Ennis would never allow another person to see him.
Lifting himself off the sofa, Jack walked over to Ennis kneeling directly in front him. Ennis crying was painful to hear making Jack nearly emotional as well. He hesitated at first knowing how Ennis emotions can turn on a dime without a moment notice but willing to take the risk, Jack reached out and pulled Ennis in a deep, strong and comforting embrace allowing Ennis to cry on his shoulder.
“It’s okay cowboy.” Jack was whispering in Ennis ear in a voice with as much tenderness he could muster. Stroking one hand up and down Ennis back in a reassuring matter, the other hand was softly touching Ennis blonde hair pulling at the curls on the end. When Jack spoke he spoke quietly, slowly with confidence and purpose, with all the love he could give because he knew Ennis needed to hear this and Jack was aware of the importance of what he is about to say and he needed to make certain that these words shoot straight to Ennis’ heart.
“Ennis. Ennis you listen to me and hear me I’m really hear me. First don’t you ever let me hear you say that you are worthless because you ain’t. Everyone has a purpose in life, everyone matters and you sure do. Believe that Ennis, believe that! You are the finest MAN I know. You hear that Ennis? You are a MAN and don’t let anyone tell you different. And you are a brave MAN. The bravest I know.” Jack pause for moment trying to think of an example to give Ennis. “You remember after the first night? When you told me that this was a one shot deal? Well I believe it, I did. I let it go. As hard as that was for me, I simply let it go. I gave up.” Jack began to smile and whispered quietly directly into Ennis ear. “But that second night? You came…you came to me. To me Ennis and I saw it in your face. You were scared shitless but it didn’t stop ya. You came to me - hat in hand - because you knew something was happening between us and it was scary for both of us. I may talk a big game but I’m just as scared as you at times. But you came when you didn’t have to.” The remembrance of the night warmed Jack over and he held Ennis tighter. “Till this day that was bravest thing I’ve never seen a MAN do. To fight against his fears and go after something he needs and you did that Ennis.”
Ennis slightly pulled away enough to lift his head out of his heads and off of Jack’s shoulder. “But Jack you don’t understand. Its…”
“No you don’t understand Ennis!” Jack spoke forcefully. “I don’t want you to talk. I don’t want you to say anything. All I want is for you to hear me. Just open your ears and your heart and hear me.” Ennis didn’t protest he just buried his face back on Jack’s shoulders, drawing himself more inward into Jack’s embrace.
“If you can just learn not to hate yourself so much. That’s it y’know. If you can just learn that simple thing…ah cowboy you have no idea how happy you would be. Because you are not a bad person no matter how much you would like to believe that, you’re not. But people have tried to make you believe different huh? Made you believe you are nothing. Some worthless shit.” But this point Jack voice was hard. “They have filled you with all of this self-hatred. Well let me tell you Ennis? I’ve had those word thrown at me and you know what? Its bullshit! You hear that Del Mar, its fucking bullshit!” Jack was grabbing on tighter to Ennis. “The very people we should look up to and admire are sometimes the very ones we should be knocking down and kickin’ in their teeth. They’re wrong Ennis! They were wrong at how they taught you to be a man. A real man is proud at being himself no matter how different he may seem. He doesn’t hide in shadows. He doesn’t live in shame and fear. They live with the courage to accept you they are and defend that no matter what.” For a brief moment Jack voice crack. Recovering he went on. “I’m not saying that it will be easy because life isn’t easy. There is no such thing as a safety net to life. There is always going to be trouble but a real MAN faces those troubles head on and I know Ennis you have that inside ya.” Jack suddenly pull away from Ennis and look directly into Ennis eyes. “You hear that Ennis! I know you have it inside of you because I believe in you! YOU!”
Ennis eyes were blood red from tears looking directly into blue eyes that was encouraging and hopeful. If only he could believe what they are saying to him those eyes. But it’s not easy doing away with years of set ideas and expectation that you have been force to accept as the truth. That what you feel is wrong and evil. But looking at those eyes always makes Ennis think it is possible that maybe just maybe. But then there is always Earl. That one deadly image that makes Ennis believe otherwise.
“But Jack what about Earl?” Ennis respond in a small voice. A flash of angry came across Jack’s face and he grabbed Ennis face in between his hands bringing his face very closely to Ennis.
“Don’t! Don’t! Goddamnit Ennis shit! Don’t let the ghost of the past rule you life! It’s going to kill you leaving yourself behind nothing but regrets. Life isn’t worth living if you live in past Ennis!”
“But how do I expect people to be proud of me Jack huh? My girls!”
“Your girls loves you Ennis! They love you. Don’t tell me you don’t know that! Just hearing you talk about them is proof enough for me. The way your eyes lights up whenever you talk about them. The way you describe how they hang onto every word you manage to leak out of that tight mouth of yours. They adore you! Don’t belittle their love for you simply because of the fear that YOU have about yourself. Give them more credit! There isn’t a damn thing you can do or be that would ever stop them from loving you.”
Jack stopped and simply closed his eyes and breathed hard. Opening them back up he simply looked at Ennis searching for anything in those brown eyes to see if anything he said had gotten though. But those brown eyes still seem to have fear and shame in them. Jack release Ennis face from his hands and slide completely down the floor resting his arms across Ennis’ lap shaking his head almost in defeat.
“Ennis. If you can just learn to love yourself, to be brave and accept who you are. If you didn’t have so much self-hatred that others have made you believe you need to have. You could see just how wonderful a life you can have and see how much of a true man you really are. But only you can that. Only you because you are the one who needs to believe in yourself first.”
Jack stopped. He was exhausted and tried. He gave everything he could, but it’s up to Ennis to do with it as he see fit. If he decides to do anything with it at all. For a long time both men just seat there thinking silently, Ennis on the sofa and Jack kneeling in front of him. Ennis mind was still mixed up not sure what to do but he can’t deny the words Jack said have gotten him to start thinking even more then he already has before coming on this trip. Maybe some of the things are true. Maybe. Looking down on Jack he saw the crestfallen almost defeated look on Jack’s face and it pained Ennis to the core and this was supposed to be a night for Jack and he was ruining it. Remembering the next thing he wanted to give Jack he felt this would be the perfect time to do so and whatever fear he may have had over it was completely gone because Ennis was determine to make Jack aware of how important he is to him at least for this one night.
Getting off the sofa making Jack move, Ennis went into the game room. Jack seating on the floor assuming that nothing got to Ennis just sighed. Ennis came back and stood over Jack looking down at him with the stereo mode control in his hand. “Jack will you look at me.” Jack lifted his head.
“Well…when I got the keys for the cabin from Wroe I was at his office. He…y’know…uhm…he was listening to…he brings a small recorder player with him to work to listen to music, jazz music.” Jack just frowned up at Ennis thinking why is he bringing up music of any kind at this moment. “I rarely listen to music Jack unless is western or spiritual and I only hum those to the songs my Mama taught me.”
“Ennis you have point?” Jack asked him still isn’t sure were this coming from.
“The point is,” Ennis replied half regretting he never brought it up. “He was playing this one record that really…got me and I want to play it for…all hell.” Taking a deep, deep breath Ennis reached out both his hands to Jack but with his eyes not meeting Jack’s.
“Jack…you wanna dance?”
TBC