musesandlyrics | 8.8. Buffy quote
8.8. "Yes, but I'll always be stupid... Let's not all rush to disagree."
Buffy The Vampire Slayer
Co-written with halfway2heaven
It was one of the worst emotional rollercoasters Chris had ever been on, and he wanted off. It seemed like every time he just got to a tolerable place in his head, something twisted and turned, pulling the rug out from under him all over again. It had felt like he had lost the ability to think straight; that everything flooding through his brain that he was trying to slot into all the right places had broken him and it wasn’t a feeling he was coping well with experiencing. He didn’t profess to have had an easy life, and although on the face of it, he appeared to be easygoing and just chilling his way through life, that was hardly the truth beyond the masks he so easily kept up. He got upset and hurt just like everyone else did. In fact, he really wished he had reached his quote of hurt because he wasn’t sure how much more he could take.
Serena dropping Bella’s bombshell on him could never have been something he could have expected, let alone prepared for. Making the decision to not give Rick one of his kidneys had been the hardest thing in his life he had to consider. He had originally been so sure he would do it, but when push came to shove, he just panicked and he got terrified. Maybe a few weeks ago he would have just gone in like a white knight and done it without question. Just like day with the sinkhole. There had been no question then that he needed to go down that hole and save the guy, and when it came to light that Rick might need a kidney transplant, Chris had been just as confident about that. But for the first time in his life, he was chillingly terrified of what might happen if he gave up a kidney and there were complications. He could die, he could lose functions, he might never be fit enough to be a trauma surgeon again and he came to the realisation that trauma surgery was his life. He lived and breathed it and if he couldn’t do that, he wasn’t sure what he would do.
The thing that sealed the deal, however, was Serena. Chris just couldn’t lay the burden on her of trying to support him through something like this, or facing the prospect he might not survive. He didn’t want to hurt her like that. He resolved to do all he could to try and find Rick a kidney from the standard routes, but after everything Rick had put him through and how much he hadn’t done for Chris had Chris unsure he could lay his life on the line for his brother... to the detriment of Serena. It had been a juggling act of emotions and thoughts, sending himself almost crazy trying to figure it out, but once he came to the resolution, he was okay with it. He was going to sit down and lay the cards on the table with Rick, as much as it was going to hurt his brother. For once in his life, Chris wanted to put himself first.
But then this. News that changed everything and tipped the world under Chris. He didn’t even risk getting behind the wheel of a car because he knew he would probably end up wrapped around a tree. His ears were ringing and his head had felt like it was stuffed with cotton wool. He had left Serena in his apartment and run down to the beach, only managing to sober up a little when the sea breeze him in the face. Sobered him up enough for him to leaned over and throw up all the Red Bull he had been drinking on the drive home from Lake Wimico. That seemed to release a bit of tension within him, but it didn’t help him try and figure this one out at all. Bella was pregnant with Rick’s baby. Rick was going to be a father, because she was apparently knocked up with his kid. All Chris wanted to do was stand there and cry when he tried to work it out. If Rick didn’t get a kidney, he could die and the kid would never know its father... Rick would never know his kid. A kid that was Chris’ own flesh and blood apparently. Would his conscious let him not step up to the plate to give Rick a second chance on life with a kidney? Despite wanting to be selfish and put himself first this time, could he really put himself above and beyond a baby that would never get to know its father? Chris had grown up with an asshole of a father, one who gave more of a shit about how much booze was left in his bottle than about his own kids... and it sucked. It sucked more than Chris would ever admit to. If there was just one thing in his life he could turn back time and change, it would be to have a close relationship with his father and brother.
He could barely remember the cab ride as he got off onto the sidewalk, stuffing his wallet back into his pocket. Worked up didn’t even begin to describe how he was feeling at that point. His heart felt like it was jammed up in his throat and as he made his way stiffly through the corridors of the main hospital, he couldn’t even make eye contact with anyone. He couldn’t be accountable for his mis-directed anger and confusion if he did. The last thing he needed was to give one of the directors a mouthful... or worse, give Proctor a mouthful. He just had to get to the Oncology unit and it was the only thing keeping him focused and not having him get back into Rick’s car and just driving without looking back.
In hindsight, he would probably end up looking back on this and realising how absolutely stupid and reckless he was being, but that wasn’t even in his consideration at that moment. The door to the office was ajar, and by the time he reached it and pushed it open, angry tears were filling his eyes as he crashed in on Bella’s office. “Is it true?!” he demanded through gritted teeth, ignoring the tears when they spilled over as he spotted her sitting at her desk. “You’re pregnant with Rick’s kid.”
It was well after lunch now, and it had been the first chance Bella had to sit down with Lisa and ask her about how she was faring on her first day. With Rick’s case alone, they now had a pile of paperwork to get through, and she had also just finished explaining the admission process to her new nurse when her office door burst open and Chris was standing there in tears looking like hell. As soon as the words were out of his mouth, Bella sucked in a gasp of shock and put her hand over her mouth as it exhaled sharply in response. She didn’t even get a chance to look at Lisa before the poor nurse - who actually knew Chris through her brother - made an extremely hasty exit from the office as quickly as she could with her head down. It seemed to be the first point Chris noticed Bella had company and as Lisa passed him, he did a slight double-take before he was looking back at Bella, maybe even just slightly more pale than he had been moments before. “Yes,” Bella replied hoarsely, watching him and trying to figure out what the best way to deal with this was. It had to have been either Dave or Serena who had told Chris because no one else knew. She desperately wanted to be furious at them, but faced with Chris here looking more upset than she had seen him, her own feelings fell by the wayside.
Chris gave a disbelieving and stunned laugh as he swept a hand over his face. “I can’t believe this is happening... I really can’t believe this is happening...” he got out and started to pace back and forth in front of her door. “He doesn’t know, does he? He doesn’t fucking know. If he knew... if you had goddamn told him, he wouldn’t be in there thinking about his fucking kidney! He would be begging you to try and stop treating him like another fucking number passing across your desk! How stupid are you to sleep with your patient, let alone sleep with one without protection?! Screw you to hell for fucking my brother over, Watson, you bitch!”
Bella got up from her desk and went over to him. If nothing else, she wasn’t a damn coward. Despite the fact he was furious and he was ranting, but managing to keep his tones low enough that he couldn’t be overheard, she stood in front of him with her arms folded tightly over her chest. “I do not have to explain my actions to you, Dr Deleo. But because I respect you as both a colleague and as Rick’s brother, I will. I only found out yesterday, literally simultaneously to finding out Rick was in kidney failure. I could not have even suspected for a single moment that this had happened because I was told when I was ill myself as a teenager that I couldn’t have children. And even despite all that, and despite the fact you want to be completely disrespectful to me in my own environment, we did use protection. But obviously we screwed up. Somehow. Whatever you think of me, Chris, I don’t regret what I did with your brother and in any other situation, I wish things could be different for us.”
It was impossible for him not to react to her calm exterior and impossible for him to avoid eye contact with her so close to his personal space. He stopped pacing and just looked at her as she spoke and continued to stare at her when she finished talking. “Are you keeping it?” he demanded in a hushed, hoarse voice. He made a mental note to himself that next he wanted to come and tear someone a new one, he should probably get some sleep beforehand because he was probably dealing with this about as badly as trying to perform a surgery with a spoon.
“I don’t know,” Bella replied honestly, quietly.
Chris sucked in a sharp breath and tipped his head up towards the ceiling for a moment to try and calm himself down. “Could this be his only chance to have a kid? And don’t fuck me around, Bella. You do not want me to go out there and declare this to the whole hospital. I am not threatening you, I am stating a cold hard fact. I will go out there and I will tell him in front of everyone because he is my brother and he has a right to fucking know,” he warned lowly.
Bella held his gaze. “You save lives every day, Chris. You put yours on the line to save a complete stranger and nearly got buried alive. You cut the safety harness. You’re right. He does have a right to know. Does he have a right for his brother to save his life, too? Or is that why you’re so angry? You weren’t going to give him the kidney.”
If Bella had been a guy, Chris probably would have reflexively reacted and hit her for a comment like that. But she wasn’t a guy, she was a woman, who just happened to be standing in front of him pregnant with his niece or nephew. It had his hands tucked tightly under his arms and his jaw hardened in response to the comment. “You didn’t answer my question,” he responded through gritted teeth.
“By the time he gets a transplant and is finished with the treatment, even if he makes a completely recovery, it is unlikely he will be able to conceive in the future. His body is just going to take too much of a hit,” Bella told him quietly and the words lingered in the air for a long time after she said them.
Chris blinked back more tears and turned his head away from her with a slight nod. He was quite in thought for what felt like hours, but only a few beats passed before he swallowed heavily and looked back at her. “You tell him, and you tell him everything, or I’m having him transferred to another oncologist... in another hospital, and I’ll make sure that you never see him again.” He backed away and moved to the door, pausing only to glance back at her. “And you better believe that was a threat, Dr Watson.”
Word Count | 2,143
Buffy The Vampire Slayer
Co-written with halfway2heaven
It was one of the worst emotional rollercoasters Chris had ever been on, and he wanted off. It seemed like every time he just got to a tolerable place in his head, something twisted and turned, pulling the rug out from under him all over again. It had felt like he had lost the ability to think straight; that everything flooding through his brain that he was trying to slot into all the right places had broken him and it wasn’t a feeling he was coping well with experiencing. He didn’t profess to have had an easy life, and although on the face of it, he appeared to be easygoing and just chilling his way through life, that was hardly the truth beyond the masks he so easily kept up. He got upset and hurt just like everyone else did. In fact, he really wished he had reached his quote of hurt because he wasn’t sure how much more he could take.
Serena dropping Bella’s bombshell on him could never have been something he could have expected, let alone prepared for. Making the decision to not give Rick one of his kidneys had been the hardest thing in his life he had to consider. He had originally been so sure he would do it, but when push came to shove, he just panicked and he got terrified. Maybe a few weeks ago he would have just gone in like a white knight and done it without question. Just like day with the sinkhole. There had been no question then that he needed to go down that hole and save the guy, and when it came to light that Rick might need a kidney transplant, Chris had been just as confident about that. But for the first time in his life, he was chillingly terrified of what might happen if he gave up a kidney and there were complications. He could die, he could lose functions, he might never be fit enough to be a trauma surgeon again and he came to the realisation that trauma surgery was his life. He lived and breathed it and if he couldn’t do that, he wasn’t sure what he would do.
The thing that sealed the deal, however, was Serena. Chris just couldn’t lay the burden on her of trying to support him through something like this, or facing the prospect he might not survive. He didn’t want to hurt her like that. He resolved to do all he could to try and find Rick a kidney from the standard routes, but after everything Rick had put him through and how much he hadn’t done for Chris had Chris unsure he could lay his life on the line for his brother... to the detriment of Serena. It had been a juggling act of emotions and thoughts, sending himself almost crazy trying to figure it out, but once he came to the resolution, he was okay with it. He was going to sit down and lay the cards on the table with Rick, as much as it was going to hurt his brother. For once in his life, Chris wanted to put himself first.
But then this. News that changed everything and tipped the world under Chris. He didn’t even risk getting behind the wheel of a car because he knew he would probably end up wrapped around a tree. His ears were ringing and his head had felt like it was stuffed with cotton wool. He had left Serena in his apartment and run down to the beach, only managing to sober up a little when the sea breeze him in the face. Sobered him up enough for him to leaned over and throw up all the Red Bull he had been drinking on the drive home from Lake Wimico. That seemed to release a bit of tension within him, but it didn’t help him try and figure this one out at all. Bella was pregnant with Rick’s baby. Rick was going to be a father, because she was apparently knocked up with his kid. All Chris wanted to do was stand there and cry when he tried to work it out. If Rick didn’t get a kidney, he could die and the kid would never know its father... Rick would never know his kid. A kid that was Chris’ own flesh and blood apparently. Would his conscious let him not step up to the plate to give Rick a second chance on life with a kidney? Despite wanting to be selfish and put himself first this time, could he really put himself above and beyond a baby that would never get to know its father? Chris had grown up with an asshole of a father, one who gave more of a shit about how much booze was left in his bottle than about his own kids... and it sucked. It sucked more than Chris would ever admit to. If there was just one thing in his life he could turn back time and change, it would be to have a close relationship with his father and brother.
He could barely remember the cab ride as he got off onto the sidewalk, stuffing his wallet back into his pocket. Worked up didn’t even begin to describe how he was feeling at that point. His heart felt like it was jammed up in his throat and as he made his way stiffly through the corridors of the main hospital, he couldn’t even make eye contact with anyone. He couldn’t be accountable for his mis-directed anger and confusion if he did. The last thing he needed was to give one of the directors a mouthful... or worse, give Proctor a mouthful. He just had to get to the Oncology unit and it was the only thing keeping him focused and not having him get back into Rick’s car and just driving without looking back.
In hindsight, he would probably end up looking back on this and realising how absolutely stupid and reckless he was being, but that wasn’t even in his consideration at that moment. The door to the office was ajar, and by the time he reached it and pushed it open, angry tears were filling his eyes as he crashed in on Bella’s office. “Is it true?!” he demanded through gritted teeth, ignoring the tears when they spilled over as he spotted her sitting at her desk. “You’re pregnant with Rick’s kid.”
It was well after lunch now, and it had been the first chance Bella had to sit down with Lisa and ask her about how she was faring on her first day. With Rick’s case alone, they now had a pile of paperwork to get through, and she had also just finished explaining the admission process to her new nurse when her office door burst open and Chris was standing there in tears looking like hell. As soon as the words were out of his mouth, Bella sucked in a gasp of shock and put her hand over her mouth as it exhaled sharply in response. She didn’t even get a chance to look at Lisa before the poor nurse - who actually knew Chris through her brother - made an extremely hasty exit from the office as quickly as she could with her head down. It seemed to be the first point Chris noticed Bella had company and as Lisa passed him, he did a slight double-take before he was looking back at Bella, maybe even just slightly more pale than he had been moments before. “Yes,” Bella replied hoarsely, watching him and trying to figure out what the best way to deal with this was. It had to have been either Dave or Serena who had told Chris because no one else knew. She desperately wanted to be furious at them, but faced with Chris here looking more upset than she had seen him, her own feelings fell by the wayside.
Chris gave a disbelieving and stunned laugh as he swept a hand over his face. “I can’t believe this is happening... I really can’t believe this is happening...” he got out and started to pace back and forth in front of her door. “He doesn’t know, does he? He doesn’t fucking know. If he knew... if you had goddamn told him, he wouldn’t be in there thinking about his fucking kidney! He would be begging you to try and stop treating him like another fucking number passing across your desk! How stupid are you to sleep with your patient, let alone sleep with one without protection?! Screw you to hell for fucking my brother over, Watson, you bitch!”
Bella got up from her desk and went over to him. If nothing else, she wasn’t a damn coward. Despite the fact he was furious and he was ranting, but managing to keep his tones low enough that he couldn’t be overheard, she stood in front of him with her arms folded tightly over her chest. “I do not have to explain my actions to you, Dr Deleo. But because I respect you as both a colleague and as Rick’s brother, I will. I only found out yesterday, literally simultaneously to finding out Rick was in kidney failure. I could not have even suspected for a single moment that this had happened because I was told when I was ill myself as a teenager that I couldn’t have children. And even despite all that, and despite the fact you want to be completely disrespectful to me in my own environment, we did use protection. But obviously we screwed up. Somehow. Whatever you think of me, Chris, I don’t regret what I did with your brother and in any other situation, I wish things could be different for us.”
It was impossible for him not to react to her calm exterior and impossible for him to avoid eye contact with her so close to his personal space. He stopped pacing and just looked at her as she spoke and continued to stare at her when she finished talking. “Are you keeping it?” he demanded in a hushed, hoarse voice. He made a mental note to himself that next he wanted to come and tear someone a new one, he should probably get some sleep beforehand because he was probably dealing with this about as badly as trying to perform a surgery with a spoon.
“I don’t know,” Bella replied honestly, quietly.
Chris sucked in a sharp breath and tipped his head up towards the ceiling for a moment to try and calm himself down. “Could this be his only chance to have a kid? And don’t fuck me around, Bella. You do not want me to go out there and declare this to the whole hospital. I am not threatening you, I am stating a cold hard fact. I will go out there and I will tell him in front of everyone because he is my brother and he has a right to fucking know,” he warned lowly.
Bella held his gaze. “You save lives every day, Chris. You put yours on the line to save a complete stranger and nearly got buried alive. You cut the safety harness. You’re right. He does have a right to know. Does he have a right for his brother to save his life, too? Or is that why you’re so angry? You weren’t going to give him the kidney.”
If Bella had been a guy, Chris probably would have reflexively reacted and hit her for a comment like that. But she wasn’t a guy, she was a woman, who just happened to be standing in front of him pregnant with his niece or nephew. It had his hands tucked tightly under his arms and his jaw hardened in response to the comment. “You didn’t answer my question,” he responded through gritted teeth.
“By the time he gets a transplant and is finished with the treatment, even if he makes a completely recovery, it is unlikely he will be able to conceive in the future. His body is just going to take too much of a hit,” Bella told him quietly and the words lingered in the air for a long time after she said them.
Chris blinked back more tears and turned his head away from her with a slight nod. He was quite in thought for what felt like hours, but only a few beats passed before he swallowed heavily and looked back at her. “You tell him, and you tell him everything, or I’m having him transferred to another oncologist... in another hospital, and I’ll make sure that you never see him again.” He backed away and moved to the door, pausing only to glance back at her. “And you better believe that was a threat, Dr Watson.”
Word Count | 2,143