Killing Oysters and saving Hedgehogs
So I have a semi hilarious tale of a pub and an old man named Amos, but I shant tell it as, you know? What am I, Jackanory? Jesus Lil if I want to engage in a rip-roaring yarn I'll whip out Uncle Buck. My feet are wet again, this time it was Tizer. You know all my life I have shunned solitude for fear of the demons of within emerging themselves. The other day though I went insane and found that I am very good company. I fancied a walk and once I got out I could not stop, I went all Forrest Gump. Anyway, I ended up walking along the sea front from Southend to Leigh, collecting oysters in a doubled up Newlook bag. You see contrary to popular belief, all oyster species can make pearls, so my eyes lit up when I chanced upon a rare washing up of thousands of oysters from the Whitstable beds, following a storm. I walked along the beach as the sun went down, completely and utterly contented with the world and all its foibles. If I had been there with someone else it would have been ruined, I know because I try to lure all my prospective friends/mates into that exact scenario. "oooh my feet are getting wet", "this is shit can't we go to a pub?", "I can't kill all these animals". With the promise of bounty and becoming pirate Queen of the ocean, I spent the evening prying open oysters. You'll be pleased to know that 30 oysters died in the name of my day out. Unfortunately they died without lining my pockets, not one of those fuckers came up with the goods. I thought pearl hunting was piss easy, but it turns out you really do need a half naked tanned boy to dive for you.
This is the time of year when all you want to do is whack out your toes-less shoes and start pretending you're in Magaluf when its barely hit 17 centigrade out. So naturally when it snowed the other day, and I had returned home with a kinky summer do, I was not best pleased. The prior onset of unseasonably warm weather however has bought about a serge in the wildlife, creeping out of the cracks. Naturally this ifs funny when you see hundred of flies. "Buzz, oh its time for summer, time to fly around peoples light shades and buzz in there ears while they're sleeping, buzz buzz", snow hits. Dead flies. It is however not so funny when Mr Hedgehog and Mrs Badger came too early out of hibernation, (from the same hut they say!, but lets not gossip). However, Miss G Lilley watched captain planet and remembers that episode of blue peter when they told us to check your bonfires for hedgehogs. Out goes the dog food and the bird balls. When being judged at the gates of heaven, our Lord will say "Well we shouldn't really let you in after you did that thing with you know who, that broke every commandment. BUT you saved the lives of hundreds of woodland creatures and that just got you in. Basically you got a 2-1 in wildlife preservation which helped you scrape an overall third after your 30% in shame and common decency. Don't you love that when you have an essay to do everything you own is immaculate. I mean my house is spotless and I have less body hair than an Olympic swimmer.
I shant write more, I've ran out of material and would merely be blithering, like Peter (ran out of material 2 years ago and now only change the lyrics to songs) Kay. I'm off to watch a TV programme about an American forensic pathologist, I don't know which one yet. xx
