Mad? Mad! We're All Mad Here! AHA-HA-HA-HAAAAA!
I'm designing a set
and have to convince people of a vision
that I didn't even know I had.
I am partly crippled by the thought
that I don't want to push through some unformed showbortion
and how I'd rather commit myself to
one of the other (finished) shows I pitched,
or someone else's show
but I also realize
maybe that's just what running away LOOKS LIKE
especially if [person in question/definitely not me] is shouting excuses
that fade away with a doppler effect
because... I'm they're literally running away.
In anticipation of realizing this about myself,
two very old friends of mine
[Old? We're all old here! AHA-HA-HA-HAAAAA!]
came a visiting
since this is their hometown
and I'm their homegirl that
never did done leave these parts, ayup.
One is a professor at the American Film Institute,
the premier private film school which costs $60,000
PER SEMESTER.
The other is the directing broadcast engineer
for the city of San Francisco government,
and runs a production business on the side.
And I asked them what I should do about my project.
And they both said the same thing
when I talked to each of them privately.
"That sounds like an AWESOME job!
I could kill for that job,
I have literally worked my whole life to DO SOMETHING LIKE THAT.
But... instead I'm a [highly-paid niche film/video professional]
who produces other people's content... rather than my own."
They each finished with about the same encouragement, too.
"You're gonna be amazing!
Don't forget to have fun!"
So,
I guess.... I'll do that?
Thanks, Friends!
Christmas was quiet,
in more ways than one.
On Christmas Eve Eve (not a typo)
We feasted at a friend's
tinseled Stressless Christmas Eve Eve
which was something she used to host for years...
a pre-Xmas friendsmas daynight.
It's been a no-go for years,
for a long list of reasons
up to and including covid,
but not JUST because of covid,
ya dig?
[He was a Dark and Stormy Patriarch...]
She's one of my best and dearest friends
and she's just at the beginning of a separation and divorce process;
re-instituting her old/preferred traditions
up to and including inviting ancient friends over
for a meal and laughs around the same table.
It would be me being polite to say that her ex-mate
... is not taking it well,
and has no plans to.
I frame for you
That Moment when a walking bad mood emoji storms into a room
to speechify,
huffingly declaring some self-centered nonsense
with the quivering authority of unsatisfied desires
and then he just stands there for a beat as if to stamp his ego's foot
while giving us a menacing "Did you HEAR ME?!" glare.
And we, the group of us,
in that same beat - we have a secret conversation
of sliding eyes where the few of us there
check in with each other
using the magic of friendship.
"Everyone agree what we see?"
We nod with a dip of our lashes.
"We just do nothing, right?"
And we all blinked once with our souls in unison,
"Yes,"
and we pause as his theatrical moment is over.
As he turns away to leave
having ungracefully pointed to his point;
we resume our conversation,
"for now."
He left the room exactly like this:
Arms marching along
to the beat of his righteous indignation
self-satisfied that he had humiliated our friend -
his wife,
with his impertinent personal declaration of fervent feeling
when really
we all knew with sure and confident certainty
he had only [but quite truly] humiliated himself.
But what IS a family Christmas
if not for some kind of awkward exchange of
conditional and/or transactional love/hate
pronounced publicly
with all the suggested side servings of
religious fervor, unquestioning conviction, and impulsive greed
as befits a Capitalist's Christian high holy day?
I mean, really!
My family was the same.
Same.
Damned.
Way.
Despite the door-slamming punctuated visits
from the adult tantrum going on upstairs,...
we have a perfectly LOVELY time!
Truly!!
The whole handful of us
including the self-same two friends
who had already given me California advice
about producing a show
by telling me the secret to doing it,
is just...
doing it....
have known each other for what seems like forever.
Since before the ages of sages
right along when the world first got wired together,
and some for even longer.
We know each other's skeletons
and in which closets they hide.
When we are together we laugh and laugh and laugh.
We are safe harbors for each other.
Stories upon stories.
Legends upon legends.
Myths woven and hung by the chimney with care,
we hugged our friend
with all the love and good memories we share.
When you're burnt out,
depressed,
and grieving -
friends deliver soulsaving medicine you didn't even know you needed.
A timeless mirror for our young hearts.
Or at least,
it feels like it.
We all got a dose of it,
just being together again
and it was indeed a Christmas Miracle
with Dolly Parton and Bing Crosby crooning in the background
and our effusive and percussive laughter
fills all the holes in between
wafting up through the floor boards
fumigating the Grinch
with rhymingly-sweet Whoville vibes.
Christmas Eve
Sailor and I just stayed in,... and it was awesome.
Christmas Day
I text abunchofcrap
wondering if the fact that I was unpacking Sailor's gift to me of Talking Simpsons Dolls
while wearing a Cheshire Cat pink stripey onesie pajamas....
meant that I was finally an adult
living the life I was always meant to live.
She gave me an affirmative.
I had nailed adulthood.
For some of us, this is a really good try at gymnastics, okay?
Success looks different to everyone.
We joined her later at her house.
She moved here two years ago,...? Longer?
And we just had a quiet night playing board games
and enjoying her lovely Christmas tree.
Sometimes,
that's all we need.
Hope everyone got something they will love to remember
this past Christmas.
and have to convince people of a vision
that I didn't even know I had.
I am partly crippled by the thought
that I don't want to push through some unformed showbortion
and how I'd rather commit myself to
one of the other (finished) shows I pitched,
or someone else's show
but I also realize
maybe that's just what running away LOOKS LIKE
especially if [person in question/definitely not me] is shouting excuses
that fade away with a doppler effect
because... I'm they're literally running away.
In anticipation of realizing this about myself,
two very old friends of mine
[Old? We're all old here! AHA-HA-HA-HAAAAA!]
came a visiting
since this is their hometown
and I'm their homegirl that
never did done leave these parts, ayup.
One is a professor at the American Film Institute,
the premier private film school which costs $60,000
PER SEMESTER.
The other is the directing broadcast engineer
for the city of San Francisco government,
and runs a production business on the side.
And I asked them what I should do about my project.
And they both said the same thing
when I talked to each of them privately.
"That sounds like an AWESOME job!
I could kill for that job,
I have literally worked my whole life to DO SOMETHING LIKE THAT.
But... instead I'm a [highly-paid niche film/video professional]
who produces other people's content... rather than my own."
They each finished with about the same encouragement, too.
"You're gonna be amazing!
Don't forget to have fun!"
So,
I guess.... I'll do that?
Thanks, Friends!
Christmas was quiet,
in more ways than one.
On Christmas Eve Eve (not a typo)
We feasted at a friend's
tinseled Stressless Christmas Eve Eve
which was something she used to host for years...
a pre-Xmas friendsmas daynight.
It's been a no-go for years,
for a long list of reasons
up to and including covid,
but not JUST because of covid,
ya dig?
[He was a Dark and Stormy Patriarch...]
She's one of my best and dearest friends
and she's just at the beginning of a separation and divorce process;
re-instituting her old/preferred traditions
up to and including inviting ancient friends over
for a meal and laughs around the same table.
It would be me being polite to say that her ex-mate
... is not taking it well,
and has no plans to.
I frame for you
That Moment when a walking bad mood emoji storms into a room
to speechify,
huffingly declaring some self-centered nonsense
with the quivering authority of unsatisfied desires
and then he just stands there for a beat as if to stamp his ego's foot
while giving us a menacing "Did you HEAR ME?!" glare.
And we, the group of us,
in that same beat - we have a secret conversation
of sliding eyes where the few of us there
check in with each other
using the magic of friendship.
"Everyone agree what we see?"
We nod with a dip of our lashes.
"We just do nothing, right?"
And we all blinked once with our souls in unison,
"Yes,"
and we pause as his theatrical moment is over.
As he turns away to leave
having ungracefully pointed to his point;
we resume our conversation,
"for now."
He left the room exactly like this:
Arms marching along
to the beat of his righteous indignation
self-satisfied that he had humiliated our friend -
his wife,
with his impertinent personal declaration of fervent feeling
when really
we all knew with sure and confident certainty
he had only [but quite truly] humiliated himself.
But what IS a family Christmas
if not for some kind of awkward exchange of
conditional and/or transactional love/hate
pronounced publicly
with all the suggested side servings of
religious fervor, unquestioning conviction, and impulsive greed
as befits a Capitalist's Christian high holy day?
I mean, really!
My family was the same.
Same.
Damned.
Way.
Despite the door-slamming punctuated visits
from the adult tantrum going on upstairs,...
we have a perfectly LOVELY time!
Truly!!
The whole handful of us
including the self-same two friends
who had already given me California advice
about producing a show
by telling me the secret to doing it,
is just...
doing it....
have known each other for what seems like forever.
Since before the ages of sages
right along when the world first got wired together,
and some for even longer.
We know each other's skeletons
and in which closets they hide.
When we are together we laugh and laugh and laugh.
We are safe harbors for each other.
Stories upon stories.
Legends upon legends.
Myths woven and hung by the chimney with care,
we hugged our friend
with all the love and good memories we share.
When you're burnt out,
depressed,
and grieving -
friends deliver soulsaving medicine you didn't even know you needed.
A timeless mirror for our young hearts.
Or at least,
it feels like it.
We all got a dose of it,
just being together again
and it was indeed a Christmas Miracle
with Dolly Parton and Bing Crosby crooning in the background
and our effusive and percussive laughter
fills all the holes in between
wafting up through the floor boards
fumigating the Grinch
with rhymingly-sweet Whoville vibes.
Christmas Eve
Sailor and I just stayed in,... and it was awesome.
Christmas Day
I text abunchofcrap
wondering if the fact that I was unpacking Sailor's gift to me of Talking Simpsons Dolls
while wearing a Cheshire Cat pink stripey onesie pajamas....
meant that I was finally an adult
living the life I was always meant to live.
She gave me an affirmative.
I had nailed adulthood.
For some of us, this is a really good try at gymnastics, okay?
Success looks different to everyone.
We joined her later at her house.
She moved here two years ago,...? Longer?
And we just had a quiet night playing board games
and enjoying her lovely Christmas tree.
Sometimes,
that's all we need.
Hope everyone got something they will love to remember
this past Christmas.