february 2008
last night i went to macey's to buy me some yogurt and eggs and cereal, and i was just waiting in line like a good girl being patient and the girl in front of me was taking a long time and she had a baby newborn and the cashiers kept goo goo gawing at it and asking how old is she she is beautiful is she active/ etc. they would sometimes look back at me i think because they thought i was making rude faces when really i was just zoning out in my face and then tap dancing my feet, because if i am standing in one position for too long i just start to tap as a habit. i mean, it's getting worse. i was in front of the banana's trying to decide which bunch looked the best for my eating and it was just taking me a while to decide just like it always takes me a long time to decide anything, and i just sat there staring at the banana's and then flap-heel-heeling all around the display and etc. anyways back to the line. i was in line and they kept looking at me and every time they looked at me i wanted to cry. i was heel-stamp-brush-heel-toe-brush-heel-toe and a waaa waa boo hoo, heel-stamp-brush cry cry cry. finally it was my turn and the guy was new to the job and he was older, maybe in his 50's and the person training him was a teenage girl chewing bubble gum and talking about how yummy brownies are to me (because i also was buying a brownie mix). i laughed polite laughs and ran to my car with my paper grocery bag with the vegetables coming out the top just like a stepford housewife grocery bag, and i put it in my car and the spice girls song viva forever came on shuffle on my ipod and i was so pathetically sad and laughing at myself. saying, this has all happened before and you're still doing the same fucking thing? what's weird about this? i made a right hand turn by the river and took the shortcut home, and once i got home i hurried into my pajama's and put on my headphones at the computer and started listening to morrisey. i texted a friend how i was sad, and she always says the same things so i didn't respond back and i just sat there staring at my computer screen for a few minutes, and tried to change to thinking of things like my list of people i need to call for business manners, and all these forms i have to fill out and the likes. i am feeling like a more complete person, yet at the same time i am still just the same little girl that was sad always about the weirdest things, like how my english teacher in the seventh grade got mad at me once for not opening the curtain on time. anyways, that's all.