Insecure me
Why do I get like this? So distracted by my thoughts, thinking the worst about all things and not knowing whether or not to listen to the thoughts or not. I don't understand, and yet I want to know, I escape into my thoughts and then my thoughts betray me. I try to be positive about things and then I can't read the responses of people and then I think horrible things. I know that people like me, but then I feel like I'm only fooling myself. I'd like to think of myself as likeable, but then I get that deep sinking feeling that this is just my ego, and I'm really someone that people mearly act as if they like me because I seem like a fragile person. I don't know if this is a normal thought for people, or if I am one of the few that actually think that there is malice behind all the kind things people do. Kind of some deeper rooted hatred for everything that I do. I know I'm probably blowing this out of proportion, but I don't understand it! I'm unsure about everything I do, I do one thing only to find that I may have ruined something for another aspect of my life. I cannot read people as well as I would like, and when I am trying all I get is this sense that the person is constantly annoyed with me. It seems that the only people that I don't get this feeling with are the ones that I tend to never have the time to think about my own problems. I guess I'm not as healed as I would like to think, since my childhood. I can act like I'm confident in who I am, but then I get in a situation where I can't read someone and I'm completely self-conscious and doubt my every move. I then get to the point that I don't want to ever bring up my discomfort because it will make the person irritated with my lack of confidence and dislike me even more. Sometimes I think I should look into therapy to twart this feeling, but then I know I can't afford it and I probably don't really need it. Maybe I'm depressed, maybe I'm bipolar, maybe I'm just some injured child that has not been able to heal properly and am now picking at that thin layer or skin covering what I thought was no longer there. I guess time is not the only healer, but only part of it. When is it my time to stop listening, and be the one to talk for a while?