Separation
I have moments of relief to be alone, I'll admit. Like being out today buying stuff, and looking forward to hanging out with Corey. It's not a feeling of, "Good, he's gone." I still love him and look forward to seeing him. It's just healthy alone time. We touched base in the late afternoon as he was about to get in the car to go to Brunswick beach and get spring water. This evening I went to Corey's and so we didn't talk. Tonight as I wind down for bed, his text messages to me which didn't seem to be as effusive as usual, combined with the feeling of him being distant, was somewhat triggering. When am I going to get past the fact that not every moment of a relationship has to be this romantic, lovey dovey, coddling dynamic? Human beings are diverse, Jason. They have moods and seasons. Just because it's not always happening one way does not mean it's in jeopardy -- in fact, it's healthy for it to ebb and flow.
I hate the psychology of relatonships, I really do. That feeling of being okay until he feels distant. Being psychic, I start to wonder... like, shit, did my feeling of relief earlier transmit and push him away? If we're separated too long will we grow apart more deeply? It's so stupid and neurotic. I trust him and I trust in what we have already done together. If it's meant to be then nothing will make him go, and if it's not meant to be then nothing will make him stay. It's this controlling mindset that arises out of separation anxiety and discomfort that is my own undoing.
I just need to practice being okay. It's been little more than a day since I last saw him, FFS.
Let him live his life and I'll also live mine. Every time we reconvene it will be with gratitude and appreciation, not clinginess.
I am going to be OK no matter what happens. I have things in my life that are going well for me. Just chill out Jason, just chill the fuck out.
Practice being OK, because you are!
Irrational fears:
- I have given too much, making it too easy, and he's losing interest
- I have been unconditionally there for him and made him feeling extremely wanted, which kills the thrill of the chase a bit
- I am too easy, too naive, too predictable, I've marred all mystery about me
- he's going to find his own life a lot more interesting now that I've given him a boost
- he's going to use the love that he and I have shared to make his other relationship better at my expense
Translation: unworthiness! unworthiness! unworthiness! Fuck me, will I just get a grip already?
GO TO BED!
I hate the psychology of relatonships, I really do. That feeling of being okay until he feels distant. Being psychic, I start to wonder... like, shit, did my feeling of relief earlier transmit and push him away? If we're separated too long will we grow apart more deeply? It's so stupid and neurotic. I trust him and I trust in what we have already done together. If it's meant to be then nothing will make him go, and if it's not meant to be then nothing will make him stay. It's this controlling mindset that arises out of separation anxiety and discomfort that is my own undoing.
I just need to practice being okay. It's been little more than a day since I last saw him, FFS.
Let him live his life and I'll also live mine. Every time we reconvene it will be with gratitude and appreciation, not clinginess.
I am going to be OK no matter what happens. I have things in my life that are going well for me. Just chill out Jason, just chill the fuck out.
Practice being OK, because you are!
Irrational fears:
- I have given too much, making it too easy, and he's losing interest
- I have been unconditionally there for him and made him feeling extremely wanted, which kills the thrill of the chase a bit
- I am too easy, too naive, too predictable, I've marred all mystery about me
- he's going to find his own life a lot more interesting now that I've given him a boost
- he's going to use the love that he and I have shared to make his other relationship better at my expense
Translation: unworthiness! unworthiness! unworthiness! Fuck me, will I just get a grip already?
GO TO BED!