2017 Arrives
I'm glad to have spent the night with Adolpho. It was nice to ring in the new year with someone I love, even if I was being attached to that arbitrary threshold. This time of year is a bit fragile for me and I am grateful for things going differently this year.
We started the day very late, something that frustrates him. He gets cagey and wants to get out and be productive. We talked about it and I know that nothing is wrong. He's right when he says that the fact that we find it hard to pull ourselves from one another is a good sign. It means we're really into each other. And it can simply be moderated with some space.
The emotion I'm feeling though, the same one I've had with all my previous lovers, is that I am losing myself. When we separate I feel disoriented. He does too. We are both openly aware of this need to recalibrate after spending time. But the feeling I'm left with is "not enough"... as in, the time we spent together seemed perfect at the time, but once he realizes it's mid-day and we aren't getting started, it kind of muddies the whole experience. And I know that's not really true, but it's the feeling that's arising in me. He is balancing the well being of more than just himself and me right now. He has to look out for Jordie. He wants to make sure everyone is OK, and I have had to clarify with him that the time he spends with me is because he genuinely, authentically wants to be here, and not because he is taking care of me. Which he has confirmed amply. It's almost silly of me to even ask.
Deeper than that... which is even harder to look at... is that I really don't know what I'm doing with my life. I am in the same apartment, doing the same kind of work I did 2 years ago, a lot of my friendships have become more distant... I am just feeling incredibly stagnant, still. I am not resistant to stability but I am not exactly comfortable with this kind of status quo anymore. I'm trying to trust that the wheels are slowly starting to turn again in new ways, but I am a bit fearful. Adolpho has similar feelings about his own life - like, "What am I doing with myself?" - but to me, his life is dynamic. He is a dancer, he moves, he works with artistry and creativity, he has education that links him to nature, he is fairly socially connected. He might qualify these things differently than I would, and it's not a competition, but... the quality I admire in him is his ability to recognize his own cagey-ness and his own stagnation, and try to affect change. I feel as though my inner dynamism is not what it used to be. Even though it was bad for me, the days that I was doing psychedelics regularly with Rhiannon made me so much more flexible, maybe to a fault. When I think back to the magic that was afoot during those times, it was wonderful, if a bit delusional.
My tears well up because I am about to turn 32 and instead of seeing the gratitude of what I do have in my life, I am wondering where and how I lost myself. Like... I went from this aspiring healer to someone who is just treating healing work as a money making strategy. At the same time I look at it like I'm not getting any new experience in life. Adolpho is really the biggest novel shaker to enter my life in a long time. Being with him shows me so much potential that I am grateful for. It also makes me wonder just what the fuck I have been doing with myself all this time.
I need to moderate all this self-pity with some counter-balance. We had a lot of laughs in our time together last night and today. Lots of silliness. Lots of passion, and sex, and warmth. We ate gluten free pizza, which wasn't the greatest but it was something. We had cuddles and we slept side by side. He growled like a dog while pretending to bite into me, while tickling me and being ridiculously cute. When he smiles, his eyes get slanty and mischevious looking. He thanked me for coming into his life. He invited me into him, on all levels. When I think about how beautiful this guy is, how loving, and how lucky I am to know him, it makes me feel silly for all of this crybaby emotional stuff. But it's old patterns and old grief coming to the surface maybe... feelings if insecurity and inadequacy, like I've done something wrong or I've been insufficient -- and he has made it abundantly clear that that's not true, in fact it's the opposite. So I suppose I can find gratitude in what is arising because it shows me the ways that I can be kinder to myself.
And I guess the bottom line is -- what do I want out of life? So despite my morose in this moment, I am going to use these shadowy feelings as the basis of contrast to suss this out.
- sense of connection
- reliable, transformative and compassionate love
- remission of IBD
- a stronger sense of purpose in my daily work
- new knowledge, modalities, and practices that stoke my interest and passion
- compatible opportunity
- traveling far and wide, and with ease
We started the day very late, something that frustrates him. He gets cagey and wants to get out and be productive. We talked about it and I know that nothing is wrong. He's right when he says that the fact that we find it hard to pull ourselves from one another is a good sign. It means we're really into each other. And it can simply be moderated with some space.
The emotion I'm feeling though, the same one I've had with all my previous lovers, is that I am losing myself. When we separate I feel disoriented. He does too. We are both openly aware of this need to recalibrate after spending time. But the feeling I'm left with is "not enough"... as in, the time we spent together seemed perfect at the time, but once he realizes it's mid-day and we aren't getting started, it kind of muddies the whole experience. And I know that's not really true, but it's the feeling that's arising in me. He is balancing the well being of more than just himself and me right now. He has to look out for Jordie. He wants to make sure everyone is OK, and I have had to clarify with him that the time he spends with me is because he genuinely, authentically wants to be here, and not because he is taking care of me. Which he has confirmed amply. It's almost silly of me to even ask.
Deeper than that... which is even harder to look at... is that I really don't know what I'm doing with my life. I am in the same apartment, doing the same kind of work I did 2 years ago, a lot of my friendships have become more distant... I am just feeling incredibly stagnant, still. I am not resistant to stability but I am not exactly comfortable with this kind of status quo anymore. I'm trying to trust that the wheels are slowly starting to turn again in new ways, but I am a bit fearful. Adolpho has similar feelings about his own life - like, "What am I doing with myself?" - but to me, his life is dynamic. He is a dancer, he moves, he works with artistry and creativity, he has education that links him to nature, he is fairly socially connected. He might qualify these things differently than I would, and it's not a competition, but... the quality I admire in him is his ability to recognize his own cagey-ness and his own stagnation, and try to affect change. I feel as though my inner dynamism is not what it used to be. Even though it was bad for me, the days that I was doing psychedelics regularly with Rhiannon made me so much more flexible, maybe to a fault. When I think back to the magic that was afoot during those times, it was wonderful, if a bit delusional.
My tears well up because I am about to turn 32 and instead of seeing the gratitude of what I do have in my life, I am wondering where and how I lost myself. Like... I went from this aspiring healer to someone who is just treating healing work as a money making strategy. At the same time I look at it like I'm not getting any new experience in life. Adolpho is really the biggest novel shaker to enter my life in a long time. Being with him shows me so much potential that I am grateful for. It also makes me wonder just what the fuck I have been doing with myself all this time.
I need to moderate all this self-pity with some counter-balance. We had a lot of laughs in our time together last night and today. Lots of silliness. Lots of passion, and sex, and warmth. We ate gluten free pizza, which wasn't the greatest but it was something. We had cuddles and we slept side by side. He growled like a dog while pretending to bite into me, while tickling me and being ridiculously cute. When he smiles, his eyes get slanty and mischevious looking. He thanked me for coming into his life. He invited me into him, on all levels. When I think about how beautiful this guy is, how loving, and how lucky I am to know him, it makes me feel silly for all of this crybaby emotional stuff. But it's old patterns and old grief coming to the surface maybe... feelings if insecurity and inadequacy, like I've done something wrong or I've been insufficient -- and he has made it abundantly clear that that's not true, in fact it's the opposite. So I suppose I can find gratitude in what is arising because it shows me the ways that I can be kinder to myself.
And I guess the bottom line is -- what do I want out of life? So despite my morose in this moment, I am going to use these shadowy feelings as the basis of contrast to suss this out.
- sense of connection
- reliable, transformative and compassionate love
- remission of IBD
- a stronger sense of purpose in my daily work
- new knowledge, modalities, and practices that stoke my interest and passion
- compatible opportunity
- traveling far and wide, and with ease