Happy Halloween and Blessed Samhain!!
Not one of the ones originally planned, but school is being a jerk and piling all kinds of work on me at this time of year. D: Travesty. This is the shortest horror-y thing I have, so...
My Halloweeny treat for y'all:
Jackyl's Movie Review
Featuring:
John Carpenter's Cigarette Burns (2005)
Starring: Norman Reedus, Udo Kier
Plot: A movie buff is hired to find the most infamous film in the world, known for having such extreme images, it causes those who watch it to kill.
We see a car drive up to an iron gate, after the driver gives his name, the gates open and the car pulls up to the large house. The driver is Kirby (Norman), our protagonist for the evening. He’s greeted at the door by a very stuffy Chinese butler and ushered into a den where we meet Kirby’s client, Bellinger (Udo Kier).
Little Kirby, aww.
Udo Kier as Bellinger
After a bit of small talk, he tells Kirby that he wants him to find “Le Fin Absolue du Monde”. Kirby thinks he’s nuts ‘cause it’s supposed to have been burned after the first showing and everyone in the theatre went crazy and killed each other.
Bellinger tells him, no he knows there’s still a copy of it and shows him how he came across this information.
Turns out he’s got an angel on display in one of his rooms. One that was in the movie and had it’s wings cut off.
Kirby seems a little uncomfortable...
The “willowy being” as it’s called in the credits, tells Kirby that it’s tied to the film and it would know if it had been destroyed. Little Kirby’s still rather wary of it all, but he manages to get Bellinger to agree to pay him $200 000 plus expenses for his services.
Kirby heads back to his theatre. He’s sitting at his desk, having a smoke (of course) and thinking on the past. We see that he used to be into heroine and got his girlfriend hooked on it too.
He's a bad, bad boy...
His reverie is interrupted by his friend/employee and they have a chat which ends up telling us what a cigarette burn is in movie lingo. Kirby also tells his friend that he’ll be heading out to find the Fin Absolue du Monde. Back on his own, Kirby flashbacks again and we see that his fiance’s dad fronted the cash for the theatre ($200 000) and that Kirby is to consider it a loan and not a wedding gift (like his fiancé suggested). It’s abundantly obvious that future daddy-in-law does not care for Kirby, especially after he got his girl hooked on heroine. A brief flash after that shows the aftermath of the addiction and why fiancé is nowhere to be seen. She committed suicide. Slit her wrists in the bathtub.
The next day daddy dearest comes by and harasses Kirby for his money again, throwing in a bit more drama into the mix, dad threatens that if he can’t get the money within a week, he’s going to kill him. Really, he’s a nice guy… *ahem*
There’s a guy whose considered an expert on the Fin Absolue du Monde, a renowned film critic and Kirby heads up to see him. The guy’s clearly eccentric, completely obsessed with the film (he’s one of the few who survived the showing at Stiges), saying that everyone will know the truth once he finishes his new review… which turns out to be all the stacks of paper lined up throughout the house.
Kirby: ...wtf?
After procuring some tapes from an interview with the creator of the film, Kirby gets the hell out of dodge ‘cause the guy is cracked.
Now we’re in Paris for some reason and our boy is in his hotel room having a listen to the tapes.
Out of nowhere, a cigarette burn appears right in front of him.
"Sweet zombie Jesus! *flail*
He hears movement and sees a shadow in the bathroom. Going to see what’s up he finds his fiancé bleeding out in the bathtub again.
You're doing it wrong... down the road, not across the street...
After another cigarette burn, Kirby startles awake.
He meets up with another friend who gives him shit about looking for the film, but gives him the use of his assistant’s office (I…don’t know what the guy does, restores old films maybe?). Kirby’s getting annoyed by constantly getting the run-around and people telling him that “you don’t just find the movie, you have to earn it” *cue spooky music*
Kirby tracks down the crew who worked on Le Fin Absolue du Monde to find that all of them are deceased. He finds the name of the cinematographer and asks his friend for some help finding him, but it turns out he went blind.
How could you say no to this face?
Kirby’s getting increasingly frustrated with the “wall of silence” around the film and his friend’s unwillingness to help. As he leaves the office, his friend picks up the phone so Kirby, being suspicious, hide’s round the corner and eavesdrops. He’s speaking in French but he drops the name Backovic, the creator of the movie…
Spidey Senses...tingling
Kirby comes back later that night to confront his friend yet again. Learning that Kirby has been seeing cigarette burns, he states that it’s “too late, you’re already in it” so he finally gives up some information. He tells Kirby he was the projectionist for the film at a private screening. He was too frightened to watch it so looked away, then the screaming started. As he tried to stop the movie, he saw the burns and eventually blacked out, when he came to, his hand was all messed up and everyone was dead.
Yum...
His keeping Kirby in the dark was an attempt to protect him. Seeing now that it won’t work he, reluctantly, gives the name of a man who is in contact with the Backovic Estate.
The next day Kirby arrives via taxi at a warehouse and is greeted by a couple of imposing characters.
This looks totally safe... absolutely nothing could go wrong...*snort*
This is where he is to meet with the contact, Dalibor. The man is just as creepy and suspicious as the meeting place, talking about how he wants to make movies of his own but detests the falseness of Hollywood, how Backovic was fearless in his art. Kirby obviously thinks he’s nuts so instead turns his attention to a crate beside the man and rifles through the content finding screenshots of the movie. Averting his attention from Dalibor was not a good idea though. The two goons grab Kirby, while Dalibor injects him with something.
Poor little guy. D:
He comes to sometime later, duct-taped to a chair facing his similarly compromised cab driver.
When you wake up like this, it was either a really good or really bad night...
Dalibor’s cronies are operating a camera while the man himself walks in looking like some sort of Dom holding a machete. Turns out he makes snuff films.
Dalibor hacks off the cab driver’s head right in front of Kirby, who understandably freaks out.
Oddly enough, that's almost exactly where my neck scar is too...
Then he stalks over to our boy, telling him how Le Fin Absolue du Monde is so powerful because it portrayed something so terrible, that the blood gave it power and even more, the blood of an angel (the Willowy Being from the start of the show).
After that… it uh, it gets a little awkward…
This seat taken?
Dalibor seems to have taken a liking to Kirby. *ahem* Can’t blame the guy…
Anyhoo, he strangles Kirby which causes him to see the burn, to the point where he blacks out. Coming to again, Kirby is out of the chair, Dalibor’s guys are dead while he’s on the floor with his throat slit, Kirby holding the machete. After a bit of persuasion (a la Kirby digging his fingers into the guy’s neck hole and punching him in the face), Dalibor gives up the location of Backovic’s widow: Good ol’ Vancouver.
She, naturally lives in the penthouse suite of some tall condo building. In the elevator, Kirby is confronted by his fiancé again, but when the doors open, she’s gone.
"Come here often?"
Katja, Backovic’s widow, can see that he saw something that upset him. She tells him about her husband for a bit before taking Kirby to his old editing room where the final copy of the film sits. With her permission (she hates the effin’ thing) he takes it.
Job complete, Kirby brings the film back to Bellinger.
Receiving his payment, Kirby leaves Bellinger to watch his movie and heads back to his own theatre. When he arrives there he finds the doors chained shut. Phoning his employee to find out what’s going on he learns that good ol’ daddy-in-law did it. He tells his buddy not to worry, he’s got the money and he’ll get it all fixed up by the morning. No sooner does he get off the phone than Bellinger calls him. Something’s wrong! (What a surprise…) Kirby heads back to his house while stalker daddy-in-law follows behind.
When Kirby gets to the house, the stuffy old Chinese butler greets him all crazy like, slashed all to hell. He accuses Kirby of bringing the film to the house and then he jabs out his own eyes. Running away from that, Kirby eventually finds Bellinger… feeding his intestines into the projector. Again Kirby runs away, only to run into daddy-in-law who briefly wonders what the hell is going on before trying to shoot him. They wrestle for the gun but end up both blacking out when the film starts again. Kirby wakes up in one of the seats, covered in blood.
Near the front of the theatre, daddy-in-law does the same. The scene cuts away for a moment to show us Chinese Butler crawling to where the angel is chained up and gives it the key. As the movie continues to play, Kirby’s fiancé actually walks out of the screen and her dad tries to comfort her. She complains about being hungry before chowing down on daddy dearest. Kirby snaps him out of it to find that it was all in his head. Of course, dad’s confused, “she was just here”, to which Kirby explains of course she was, she’ll never be able to rest if they both don’t let her go.
…then he bashes dad’s head into the ground a few times, killing him. He grabs dad’s gun, goes and has a sit down, tells the spectre of fiancé that he loves her and he’s sorry and then eats a bullet.
Aww, I just wanna hug him.
The angel stops the film, takes the reels and walks away, thanking Kirby’s lifeless body for finding it.
The End.
Not one of my snarkier ones, honestly.
Those who requested certain other horror movies, no worries, I have them on my hard drive and given half a minute I'll get to them as well. XD It's Halloween in my head all year 'round.
My Halloweeny treat for y'all:
Jackyl's Movie Review
Featuring:
John Carpenter's Cigarette Burns (2005)
Starring: Norman Reedus, Udo Kier
Plot: A movie buff is hired to find the most infamous film in the world, known for having such extreme images, it causes those who watch it to kill.
We see a car drive up to an iron gate, after the driver gives his name, the gates open and the car pulls up to the large house. The driver is Kirby (Norman), our protagonist for the evening. He’s greeted at the door by a very stuffy Chinese butler and ushered into a den where we meet Kirby’s client, Bellinger (Udo Kier).
Little Kirby, aww.
Udo Kier as Bellinger
After a bit of small talk, he tells Kirby that he wants him to find “Le Fin Absolue du Monde”. Kirby thinks he’s nuts ‘cause it’s supposed to have been burned after the first showing and everyone in the theatre went crazy and killed each other.
Bellinger tells him, no he knows there’s still a copy of it and shows him how he came across this information.
Turns out he’s got an angel on display in one of his rooms. One that was in the movie and had it’s wings cut off.
Kirby seems a little uncomfortable...
The “willowy being” as it’s called in the credits, tells Kirby that it’s tied to the film and it would know if it had been destroyed. Little Kirby’s still rather wary of it all, but he manages to get Bellinger to agree to pay him $200 000 plus expenses for his services.
Kirby heads back to his theatre. He’s sitting at his desk, having a smoke (of course) and thinking on the past. We see that he used to be into heroine and got his girlfriend hooked on it too.
He's a bad, bad boy...
His reverie is interrupted by his friend/employee and they have a chat which ends up telling us what a cigarette burn is in movie lingo. Kirby also tells his friend that he’ll be heading out to find the Fin Absolue du Monde. Back on his own, Kirby flashbacks again and we see that his fiance’s dad fronted the cash for the theatre ($200 000) and that Kirby is to consider it a loan and not a wedding gift (like his fiancé suggested). It’s abundantly obvious that future daddy-in-law does not care for Kirby, especially after he got his girl hooked on heroine. A brief flash after that shows the aftermath of the addiction and why fiancé is nowhere to be seen. She committed suicide. Slit her wrists in the bathtub.
The next day daddy dearest comes by and harasses Kirby for his money again, throwing in a bit more drama into the mix, dad threatens that if he can’t get the money within a week, he’s going to kill him. Really, he’s a nice guy… *ahem*
There’s a guy whose considered an expert on the Fin Absolue du Monde, a renowned film critic and Kirby heads up to see him. The guy’s clearly eccentric, completely obsessed with the film (he’s one of the few who survived the showing at Stiges), saying that everyone will know the truth once he finishes his new review… which turns out to be all the stacks of paper lined up throughout the house.
Kirby: ...wtf?
After procuring some tapes from an interview with the creator of the film, Kirby gets the hell out of dodge ‘cause the guy is cracked.
Now we’re in Paris for some reason and our boy is in his hotel room having a listen to the tapes.
Out of nowhere, a cigarette burn appears right in front of him.
"Sweet zombie Jesus! *flail*
He hears movement and sees a shadow in the bathroom. Going to see what’s up he finds his fiancé bleeding out in the bathtub again.
You're doing it wrong... down the road, not across the street...
After another cigarette burn, Kirby startles awake.
He meets up with another friend who gives him shit about looking for the film, but gives him the use of his assistant’s office (I…don’t know what the guy does, restores old films maybe?). Kirby’s getting annoyed by constantly getting the run-around and people telling him that “you don’t just find the movie, you have to earn it” *cue spooky music*
Kirby tracks down the crew who worked on Le Fin Absolue du Monde to find that all of them are deceased. He finds the name of the cinematographer and asks his friend for some help finding him, but it turns out he went blind.
How could you say no to this face?
Kirby’s getting increasingly frustrated with the “wall of silence” around the film and his friend’s unwillingness to help. As he leaves the office, his friend picks up the phone so Kirby, being suspicious, hide’s round the corner and eavesdrops. He’s speaking in French but he drops the name Backovic, the creator of the movie…
Spidey Senses...tingling
Kirby comes back later that night to confront his friend yet again. Learning that Kirby has been seeing cigarette burns, he states that it’s “too late, you’re already in it” so he finally gives up some information. He tells Kirby he was the projectionist for the film at a private screening. He was too frightened to watch it so looked away, then the screaming started. As he tried to stop the movie, he saw the burns and eventually blacked out, when he came to, his hand was all messed up and everyone was dead.
Yum...
His keeping Kirby in the dark was an attempt to protect him. Seeing now that it won’t work he, reluctantly, gives the name of a man who is in contact with the Backovic Estate.
The next day Kirby arrives via taxi at a warehouse and is greeted by a couple of imposing characters.
This looks totally safe... absolutely nothing could go wrong...*snort*
This is where he is to meet with the contact, Dalibor. The man is just as creepy and suspicious as the meeting place, talking about how he wants to make movies of his own but detests the falseness of Hollywood, how Backovic was fearless in his art. Kirby obviously thinks he’s nuts so instead turns his attention to a crate beside the man and rifles through the content finding screenshots of the movie. Averting his attention from Dalibor was not a good idea though. The two goons grab Kirby, while Dalibor injects him with something.
Poor little guy. D:
He comes to sometime later, duct-taped to a chair facing his similarly compromised cab driver.
When you wake up like this, it was either a really good or really bad night...
Dalibor’s cronies are operating a camera while the man himself walks in looking like some sort of Dom holding a machete. Turns out he makes snuff films.
Dalibor hacks off the cab driver’s head right in front of Kirby, who understandably freaks out.
Oddly enough, that's almost exactly where my neck scar is too...
Then he stalks over to our boy, telling him how Le Fin Absolue du Monde is so powerful because it portrayed something so terrible, that the blood gave it power and even more, the blood of an angel (the Willowy Being from the start of the show).
After that… it uh, it gets a little awkward…
This seat taken?
Dalibor seems to have taken a liking to Kirby. *ahem* Can’t blame the guy…
Anyhoo, he strangles Kirby which causes him to see the burn, to the point where he blacks out. Coming to again, Kirby is out of the chair, Dalibor’s guys are dead while he’s on the floor with his throat slit, Kirby holding the machete. After a bit of persuasion (a la Kirby digging his fingers into the guy’s neck hole and punching him in the face), Dalibor gives up the location of Backovic’s widow: Good ol’ Vancouver.
She, naturally lives in the penthouse suite of some tall condo building. In the elevator, Kirby is confronted by his fiancé again, but when the doors open, she’s gone.
"Come here often?"
Katja, Backovic’s widow, can see that he saw something that upset him. She tells him about her husband for a bit before taking Kirby to his old editing room where the final copy of the film sits. With her permission (she hates the effin’ thing) he takes it.
Job complete, Kirby brings the film back to Bellinger.
Receiving his payment, Kirby leaves Bellinger to watch his movie and heads back to his own theatre. When he arrives there he finds the doors chained shut. Phoning his employee to find out what’s going on he learns that good ol’ daddy-in-law did it. He tells his buddy not to worry, he’s got the money and he’ll get it all fixed up by the morning. No sooner does he get off the phone than Bellinger calls him. Something’s wrong! (What a surprise…) Kirby heads back to his house while stalker daddy-in-law follows behind.
When Kirby gets to the house, the stuffy old Chinese butler greets him all crazy like, slashed all to hell. He accuses Kirby of bringing the film to the house and then he jabs out his own eyes. Running away from that, Kirby eventually finds Bellinger… feeding his intestines into the projector. Again Kirby runs away, only to run into daddy-in-law who briefly wonders what the hell is going on before trying to shoot him. They wrestle for the gun but end up both blacking out when the film starts again. Kirby wakes up in one of the seats, covered in blood.
Near the front of the theatre, daddy-in-law does the same. The scene cuts away for a moment to show us Chinese Butler crawling to where the angel is chained up and gives it the key. As the movie continues to play, Kirby’s fiancé actually walks out of the screen and her dad tries to comfort her. She complains about being hungry before chowing down on daddy dearest. Kirby snaps him out of it to find that it was all in his head. Of course, dad’s confused, “she was just here”, to which Kirby explains of course she was, she’ll never be able to rest if they both don’t let her go.
…then he bashes dad’s head into the ground a few times, killing him. He grabs dad’s gun, goes and has a sit down, tells the spectre of fiancé that he loves her and he’s sorry and then eats a bullet.
Aww, I just wanna hug him.
The angel stops the film, takes the reels and walks away, thanking Kirby’s lifeless body for finding it.
The End.
Not one of my snarkier ones, honestly.
Those who requested certain other horror movies, no worries, I have them on my hard drive and given half a minute I'll get to them as well. XD It's Halloween in my head all year 'round.